Proof of Angels (17 page)

“I'm not in any position to call anyone nuts, Sean,” Libby said, lifting both her tracked arms in surrender.

“Everybody has a bit of crazy in them, Lib. It's the only thing that keeps us sane in this bizarre world.”

“You're funny, Sean Magee.” Libby finally cracked a smile and wiped away her tears.

“I try,” Sean said weakly.

“You're gonna go to her, aren't you? There is no stopping you?” Libby asked quietly, changing the subject.

“Yes, Lib.”

“I'm sorry about what I said to you the other day. I know you're not going to rip her life apart. I know you know what you're doing. It wasn't fair of me to assume that just because it didn't work out for me it wouldn't work out for you. You both deserve a second shot.”

“Thanks, Libby.”

“I mean it. I really hope it works out for you, Sean. You deserve to be happy.”

“So do you, Libby. So do you.”

“Just be gentle.”

“Excuse me?”

“Just be gentle with her. Eleven years is a long time. She's
probably been through a lot. It probably took her a long time trying to get over someone as special as you, Sean. She probably woke up every day saying your name, and then spent her days looking for you on street corners, and came home tearing through letters hoping to see your handwriting on just one. She probably lay awake at night and imagined you coming to her, kissing her, holding her. And then one day, probably after a couple of years, she stopped. She got up and went about her day and realized, only as her head hit the pillow at night, that she hadn't said your name, missed you, or ached for you all day. And then she would cry, not because she felt victorious for finally reaching the point where she could move on, but she would cry because she did manage to forget you. And for her, forgetting you was worse than anything because it meant she'd lost hope. She'd lost everything she believed was real and good and right,” Libby said, wiping a tear from her eye.

“Oh, Lib.”

“Just be gentle. Understand that this isn't just about you. This isn't just about your second chance, or you getting over your own me-over-you moment. It's actually not that simple.”

“Okay, I promise, Lib.”

“And don't get too beat up if she turns you away. Promise me that. Promise you won't be an idiot like me? That you won't go hunting down a drink after a broken heart. Be stronger than that? Okay?”

“I will.”

“And promise me, if you do get a second chance with her, if you do get to build a life with her, you never forget me, forget James, forget Tom, forget all the people who brought you to her. Because I won't forget you, Sean Magee. I won't.”

“I won't either.”

“Good.”

“Thank you, Lib. You'll never know how much you've helped me.”

“So this is a good-bye? Isn't it?”

“I made a decision, Lib. I am not waiting till next month. I'm leaving tonight, Lib. That's why I came today. This is good-bye.”

“Are you going to say good-bye to James and Tom?”

“I said my good-byes to Tom. Don't you think James will try to stop me?”

“James won't. He wants you to be happy.”

“I can't risk him saying something to Gaspar. I just can't risk it. I have to do this now. I've waited long enough. I can walk now. That's what I was waiting for. I am not waiting another minute to start the rest of my life.”

“Be careful, Sean.”

“I'll have Chief with me. He's on the NSAR list, so I can take him with me on the plane. He'll be by my side the entire time.”

“He's such a good dog,” Libby said, looking at Chief, who had become in some ways such a part of Sean she could hardly separate the two.

“He was trained by the best.” Sean smiled and mimicked a punch to Libby's shoulder.

“Dammit, Sean. I'm gonna miss
you
now.”

“Aw, it's all right. I'll be back.”

“It's different. Everything will be different. That's the trouble with loving people. Friends. Family.”

“How's that?”

“Just when you get used to how great it is, life ups and changes on ya.”

“Ah, Lib. I'll be back.”

“I'll say good-bye to James for you. I'll wait till your plane takes off.”

“Thanks. I owe ya.”

“No, you don't. Cross my name off your list.”

“How did you know I keep a list?”

“We all do, Sean. We all do.”

Sean leaned over and kissed Libby's forehead and said, “I better be going.”

As he walked out the door, Libby called after him, “Sean?”

“Yeah, Lib?”

“It won't be the same here without you.”

Sean forced a small, weak smile that actually pained him. A large lump rose in his throat. “You're gonna be all right, kid. You will.”

S
EAN CHANGED HIS MIND ABOUT LEAVING
J
AMES
without a good-bye. Libby was right. He owed him that much.

After he left the hospital, he took a cab to his old station. When Sean limped into the garage and took a whiff of the oil, damp hoses, and engine exhaust, he knew he was home. The feeling had escaped him for months. He didn't know what he was missing until it was there, right in front of him. He had missed it all. Mostly, he missed the guys, who had been leaning propped up on chairs against the garage wall listening to the radio and didn't even notice him when he came out from behind the ladder truck.

“Magee!” James shouted, seeing him first. “What are you doing here?”

“Came for a visit.”

The men leaped from their chairs and swarmed Sean,
giving him hugs and high fives, one man getting on his knees to pet Chief.

“Miss us?” his lieutenant asked.

“Of course. You guys busy today?”

“Nah, a couple of false alarms. Car fire on the 405. The usual.”

“You're not missing much, Magee. How ya' feeling? Can't believe you're walking already.”

“I am doing great. Legs are getting stronger every day. Burns are pretty much healed. Just scars now,” Sean said, turning his head to show the smooth, stretched skin that wrapped his ear and neck. The swelling had gone down, and the hair along his new and receded hairline along the edge of the burn had grown in long and wavy.

“We miss you, buddy,” another said.

“I miss you guys, too,” Sean said, shaking hands with each of them as they approached him to pat him on the back and give his burns a closer look. Sean didn't mind the stares. It was part of him now, and would be forever. There was no use fighting it. He would have been just as curious if the roles were reversed.

“Hey, James, you got a sec?” Sean said after greeting everyone.

“Sure. Everything okay?”

“I need to talk,” Sean said, motioning outside the garage bay door.

James followed Sean.

“You went and saw her, didn't you?”

“Just came from there.”

“How's she doin' today?”

“She's doing okay,” Sean said, not going into too many details.

“I mean, in your opinion, as a recovering alcoholic, do you think she has a shot at beating this?” James asked while continuing to pet Chief.

“This isn't lip service, James. I think she's going to be great. She had a setback. Lost her way. That happens. But she's going to be okay.”

“I know. That's what I told her. I think her parents found her a good place. A few months, maybe a year, I think she'll be back on her feet and this whole mess will be behind her.”

“You willing to wait that long, James?”

“I'd wait forever,” James said in an of-course-you-jerk tone.

“Good. She loves you, James. She feels bad. She deserves a second shot. Drugs, man. They mess with you. Old friends you know who did drugs, too. The two together are lethal.”

“I should have known.”

“James, you couldn't have known.”

“It's rough. This living thing is rough. I used to think it was so simple,” James said, squinting and staring at a point somewhere behind Sean's head.

“It is simple, James. Don't lose that. Don't lose that belief. Don't lose what you've got that keeps you strong.”

“I know. I just feel helpless. First you, now Lib. It's just hard on a guy like me. I never had it too rough. Not like you guys. I had a good family. We ate a shitload. But we loved each other. We didn't get ripped up by life like you and Libby did. This is all just a lot for me to handle.”

Sean looked at Chief and Chief looked up at Sean as if he knew exactly what he was thinking. Chief, as if anticipating Sean's words before he could speak them, started to do the two-step backward. It seemed as if Chief could tell Sean had changed his mind about taking him to Italy with him.

“Come here, Chief, come here, boy,” Sean said, and then to James, “I have a huge favor to ask of you, James. I need someone I trust completely.”

“Whatever it is, shoot.”

“Since Lib is going to be away for a while, and well, I'm going away, I'm going to need you to watch Chief. Keep an eye on him while I'm gone. Just a couple of weeks, till I figure out my next move.”

“But don't you need him? Where are you go—” James stopped. And shook his head. “No. You're not ready, man. You're not ready. You passed out a few days ago. You're limping around. No. You can't even bend over. What if you drop your cane or something? You need Chief.”

“I'll be fine. You need him. He'll look after you. Besides, he needs a coach.”

“A coach?”

“Yeah. Tom and I taught him to surf. He's a natural. Found the moment, and hopped right up. Just like you taught me.”

“You're kidding.”

“No, I meant to tell you. But then that night . . . Libby . . .”

“Man, that's amazing. Amazing. Two amazing things in one day.”

“I know, James. I know,” Sean said, smiling, always so pleased to see how easily James embraced the amazing.

“Sure, I'll take him,” James said to Sean, and then turned to Chief. “So you can surf, man? That's wicked cool, my four-legged friend.”

“I'm leaving tonight. All of his food, everything he needs, is at my apartment. Here are my keys. Come after your shift and get him. I'll have walked and fed him.”

“You gonna be all right over there? By yourself? You won't need Tom?”

“Nah, it's time Tom and I went our separate ways. He got me where I need to go, and I'll take myself the rest of the way.”

“You're sneaking out, aren't you? You don't want Gaspar or your sister to find out?”

“I don't.”

“What do I tell them if they call looking for you?”

“The truth. By then, they won't be able to stop me.”

“You know what you're doing? You think this is smart?”

“James, I made a promise. I am alive today, I believe, because of that promise. And I have to go to her and make this right.”

“Well, we'll be here when you get back. Tom, Chief, and me. We'll be here. No matter what.”

“I know you will.”

“Sean, man?”

“Yeah, James?”

“This is gonna sound really queer to you, but I need to say it because I feel it.”

“It's okay.”

“I love you.”

“I love you, too, James.”

“I want to hug you, man. Would you let me hug you?”

“That's cool.”

“Cool,” James said, reaching forward and wrapping his arms around Sean, who stood stiffly, accepting James's hug. “You're like a brother, man. I don't want anything bad to happen to you. So you be safe. Got it?”

“Got it.”

“You call me if you get into trouble or need anything. I'll come. I am due for some time off and I've never even left the state of California. So it would be good for me. You know?”

“Yeah, man. I know. I'll be safe. I promise. I better get going. I have some packing to do. You won't forget to come and get him?”

“Cross my heart, Sean,” James said making a giant X over his chest. And with that Sean said, “To hell with it,” and leaned in and returned James's hug with a big, tight squeeze before slapping him on the back.

“Get outta here, man,” James said, wiping his eyes.

B
EFORE
S
EAN WENT UP TO HIS APARTMENT TO GRAB
his bag, he crossed the street and the walkway and walked Chief to the beach. It was unseasonably hot for November. The beach was packed with weekenders trying to store up some sun before being trapped again in their offices and cars all week. Sean walked until he found an empty park bench and could sit down and look at the ocean and say good-bye to one last friend.

“So, Chief,” Sean started, “James is gonna take good care of you. It will only be a couple of weeks.”

Chief growled and dropped on his two front paws, resting his head and looking out at the water.

“It's crazy, isn't it? I didn't even know you a year ago, and now I am just leaving for a little while and I feel like I am leaving my family all over again.”

Chief popped his head up and looked back, seemingly disapprovingly, at Sean and turned quickly away and plopped his head back down between his paws.

Don't even talk to me right now
.

“Aw, don't be like that, Chief. You're gonna love James. He can take you surfing every day. You know I couldn't have come this far without you. And now James needs you. He doesn't know it. But he needs you. He needs you more than I do right now. He's gonna need a friend. With both me and Libby gone, he's gonna need someone to look after him. Bark at him if he eats too much Thai food, you know. Make him run after you on the beach. Now I know what you're thinking. You think I am passing you off. I'm not. I just have to go and do this. Find out if what I saw that day in the fire was real, that everything I believe is real. I just need some proof that I am not crazy. That what I saw up in that fire was real. That I made that promise to find her and survived for a reason.”

Chief stood up again and placed his head on Sean's lap and let Sean pet him. “I'm gonna miss you, boy. I will. And honestly, I don't know what I am doing. I really have no idea. I don't know what I expect. You think she'll even remember me? You think she'll give a damn? Maybe Lib is right. Maybe I am going to do nothing more than mess up Chiara's life. Maybe this is selfish of me. I don't know. I can't explain it, Chief. I can't. But I just know if I don't do this, if I don't play this thing out, I will always wonder. I've never stopped thinking about her. And since the fire, she's all I've been able to think about. These legs are working today because I wanted to get up and walk to her. And I hope you know, Chief, I couldn't have done it without you. I hope you know that I couldn't have done it without any of you.”

Chief barked at Sean in reply.

“I know you get it, man. I know you do. And who knows,
maybe if things don't work out with Chiara, maybe I'll find that other thing I was looking for. Maybe I'll find that spot I've been looking for since the night of the fire—that place where I started from, and maybe I'll have a shot at getting better for good. Or maybe I'll find out that I was hallucinating up there after all, and that there aren't really angels out there looking after me, looking after everyone.”

At that, Chief turned, as if suggesting that Sean get up and walk toward the water with him. Sean couldn't be sure, but it seemed to him that Chief understood every word. Sean struggled for a bit, but eventually he stood and led Chief to the water's edge. When they reached the cool slaps of water, Chief offered up a wet paw and Sean bent as far as he could to take it in his hand. And if Chief could talk, Sean knew he would have said:
Here's your proof, Sean. Here
.