Promise Me Eternity (18 page)

“Yes.”

Simon Patterson’s face darkened. “And why do
you think you’re ready to work on your own?”

At first he didn’t know how to reply. “I
don’t know, I thought …”

“Listen, being an associate surgeon means
that perhaps from tomorrow you would do all the operations
yourself. Do you realize what a responsibility that is?”

“Yes, I’m aware of that and I thought …”

“I’ll say this, Dr. Duncan. You know yourself
that operating on a person isn’t like fixing a car. There is simply
no room for error.”

Jerry opened his mouth to say something. It
annoyed him that he was being spoken to like a schoolboy. “I, um
…”

“Any mistake could mean the loss of the
patient or at least serious long-term consequences.”

“Yes, but—”

“There is something I feel you do not have.
Do you want to know what?”

Jerry sat there increasingly downcast and
angry. “What?”

“I feel no sense of certainty. Every time you
make an incision you think about it a great deal. A number of
times, I’ve noticed that at the start of the operation your hand is
trembling. Which means you still haven’t overcome your fear.”

“That may be true, but it’s because of
you.”

“Because of me? There’s really no need to be
afraid of me. At the end of the day, only the patient matters.” He
shook his head. “I somehow wouldn’t dare to leave you alone for a
serious operation. Not because I don’t trust you, but because I’m
afraid that sometimes you don’t believe in yourself. For example,
every time there’s a complication you turn to me for what to
do.”

“I do that because you’re in charge.”

“Yes, yes, but if you want to be independent,
you have to make independent decisions, don’t you?”

Jerry was staring angrily. “I really don’t
see what the problem is, as we more or less always operate
together.”

“That’s true, but what if I were to decide to
change my job tomorrow? If you were an associate surgeon, it may
happen that you’d have to operate on your own for months. Do you
realize what a responsibility that is? If you’re an assistant, then
they’d have to find someone else to replace me.”

“There’s no sense talking any further. I see
that the answer is no.”

Simon Patterson leaned on his desk. “I’m
sorry I can’t say otherwise. You need another year or two’s
experience. Maybe three, to be really independent. I’m sorry, but
that’s how it is.”

Jerry bit his bottom lip. “Fine, if that’s
how it is, I’ll carry on as assistant.” He stood up and went toward
the door.

Simon Patterson looked after him with a
slight feeling of regret, yet firmly convinced that what he’d said
was right. “Good-bye, Dr. Duncan.”

“Good-bye, Dr. Patterson.”

As Jerry Duncan was waiting in the elevator,
such a feeling of rage built up inside him that he felt he would
explode. Still wearing his white coat he left the hospital and ran
into the nearby park. He needed fresh air; he felt he was
suffocating between the white hospital walls.

Two hundred yards farther on he took off his
white coat and threw it in a trash can. He hated Dr. Patterson so
much that he could have grabbed him by the collar, lifted him in
the air, and thrown him on the ground. He would thrash him,
throttle him. He would wring his damn neck until—.

Jerry saw his father’s image in front of him.
He put his fingers around his father’s neck and squeezed. He hated
him from the bottom of his heart. He was so angry with him he
couldn’t stop. He had to go to the bitter end. He had to squeeze
the life out of him. He had to kill him.

Putting his hand to his forehead, Jerry
wondered how many years it had been since he’d last thought of his
father. Five, ten, fifteen? Jerry thought that unpleasant incident
had been wiped from his memory.

He stopped and leaned forward, remembering
his childhood: his mother standing by in sinister silence while he
did it. She could have grabbed his hands, she could have shouted,
anything. But no, she let him kill his own father.

He was barely fifteen years old at the
time.

He had attacked his father because he could
no longer bear the way his father treated his mother, forever
insulting and humiliating her. The blows fell one after the other
and his mother had taken them all.

When he found himself in the corrections
center, Jerry Duncan couldn’t understand why his mother had not
fought to keep him beside her. Why had she let them take him away?
He remembered how often she had challenged his father, as if she
wanted his blows. How often his father had asked her to stop
needling him, but she went on. The way she behaved, she seemed to
be almost begging his father to hit her. He didn’t know who was
more guilty, his father or her. From that moment on, his father
forbade her to visit her son and he never saw her again.

Jerry bared his teeth and the corners of his
mouth rose slightly, like a dog growling. The veins on his forehead
stood out. “Damn that Patterson. He won’t say again that I’m not
ready. He’ll see, I’ll get my revenge.”

Chapter 30

_______________________

“You haven’t said a word since you got here.
Could you please tell me what’s wrong?”

Jerry Duncan got up and put the book he was
reading on the windowsill. “I don’t know, I’ve been thinking about
things. What if I’m not cut out to be a neurosurgeon? What if I’m
in the wrong profession?”

Anita clasped her hands in front of her and
looked at him suspiciously. “What are you talking about? You
already are a neurosurgeon.”

“You know, when I was a little kid I always
wanted to be a doctor. An ordinary doctor. I dreamed about helping
people with different health problems. I don’t even know why I
specialized in neurosurgery.”

Now she was even more horrified. “Whoops, I
see you’re in one of your depressed moods again. I really wonder
what causes these dark thoughts.”

“I should have been satisfied with a medical
degree. But that wasn’t enough. Why did I keep on studying?”

She went up to him and took his hands. “Stop
right there. Stop. I’m not listening to this anymore. You’re going
to tell me what happened. I know you and I know these thoughts
didn’t just spring up on their own. What happened, Jerry?”

He looked aside because he couldn’t bear her
scowl. “I talked to him.”

“Who?”

“Dr. Patterson. I asked him when I’d be able
to work independently.”

“So that’s it. I see he sapped all your
energy. What did he say?”

“He told me he doesn’t have enough trust in
me. He said he couldn’t leave me alone, that he felt I wasn’t
decisive enough.”

She let go of his hands and paced up and down
the kitchen. “What? I can’t believe this. And you fell for it?”

He looked at her, then immediately withdrew
his gaze again. “It wasn’t just what he said. You should have heard
him. He seemed absolutely serious.”

“Of course he seemed serious. It’s a serious
thing. That’s what it’s like in this hospital. There’s no money, so
they act stingy. Listen, it’s all an act. He said that he doesn’t
trust you in order to bring down your self-confidence. How many
times a week do you operate alone?”

“At least once, but they’re all easy
operations.”

“Bullshit. You’ve performed serious
operations as well and I was there. When you work alone you’re a
lot more relaxed than when he’s there.”

He raised his index finger. “That’s true. I’m
never relaxed when I work with him.”

“Yes, of course, my dear Jerry. That happens
to everyone. You’re nervous in front of him, that’s all.”

“I thought …. You know, he said I’d need at
least another year or maybe more.”

“These are typical excuses and they’re
obviously good enough for you to fall for. Listen, Jerry, you’re a
good neurosurgeon. I always watch you and I see what you do. You
could have been an associate ages ago.”

“You really think so?”

She drummed on his head with her knuckles.
“Of course, you silly boy. If you’re lacking anything, it’s faith
in yourself, definitely not experience. Get it?”

His posture became more upright. He no longer
had his head between his shoulders. “I thought—”

“Stop it, Jerry, or you’ll start crying.
Here’s what we’re going to do. You’re going to talk to him
again.”

“What? Are you totally crazy? I can’t do
that.”

“You have to talk to him. I have an idea. It
would be best if you visited him at home.”

He raised both his hands in the air. “What?
Never. That’s out of the question. I’d rather die than visit him at
home.”

“Stop panicking. I’ll explain why. Sit down,
you’re tense. I can feel it.” She placed her hand on his shoulder
and pushed him down. She took a chair, putting it in front of him.
“Here’s what we’re going to do. You’re going to drop by at his
place, saying that you were in the neighborhood and that you
haven’t been able to carry on since your last conversation.”

“Never!”

“Listen to me, will you? You’ll explain to
him how much a promotion means to you. You’ll also tell him that
you’re only unsure of yourself when he’s around. If need be, I’ll
also speak to him in your favor.”

“I don’t see why I have to go to his
home.”

“So he sees how much it means to you.”

“No, I really can’t do that.”

“I’m sure he’ll listen to you and reconsider.
Maybe he won’t agree immediately. You have to demand, though, that
he thinks the whole thing through.”

“But why at his home? I can ask him that at
work.”

“Don’t you see? By paying him a visit at home
you prove your determination. That way, he’ll see you’re not scared
of anyone. That’s what it’s about.”

“You … really think so?”

“Of course I do. Tell me, when am I ever
wrong?” She gave him a confident smile.

“Maybe I will pay him a visit. I’m not sure.
I’ll have to think about it.”

“That’s right, honey. Give it some thought.
Don’t let other people run your life. It all comes down to money,
anyway.”

He nodded. “Did I ever tell you I’m in love
with you?”

She burst out laughing. “Yes, you did.”

“Then let’s go to bed. I’ve had enough of the
stupid Dr. Patterson.”

She placed her hands on his shoulders.
“You’ll have to try harder than that. You’ll have to carry me into
the bedroom.”

He lifted her like a feather. “You’ll see
what I’ll do to you. Then you won’t feel like getting out of
bed.”

She was still laughing. “Now I’m interested,
tiger.”

Chapter 31

_______________________

When Dr. Patterson arrived at work the next
day the results of Christine Vucci’s tests were waiting for him on
his desk. At first he didn’t intend to look at them since he had to
hurry to a lecture, but he changed his mind and tore open the
envelope.

He stared at different scans and diagrams and
read all that was written for more than ten minutes.
Nothing.
Absolutely nothing.
Supposedly there was nothing wrong with her
head. At first he was happy for her because he had been scared that
she might have something serious, but at the same time he was sorry
he couldn’t help her.
Obviously something else is causing her
headaches. Maybe she has an infected tooth or something
similar
. Leaving the envelope half open on the desk, he hurried
out of his office.

When he returned three hours later, he could
see her from a distance in an elegant red suit.

He greeted her with a deep, serious voice and
invited her into his office with a wave of his hand. “I apologize
for being late. I hope you haven’t been waiting too long.”

“Not at all,” she answered. “The time passed
very quickly.”

“Sit down, please.” His tone of voice was
cool. He had decided not to let her confuse him this time. He sat
behind his desk.

In a frightened voice she said, “I can feel
something’s wrong. Whatever it is, please tell me. I want to know
straight out.” She put a shaky hand to her heart.

Simon realized that his serious manner had
been overdone and had alarmed her unnecessarily. He forced a faint
smile. Getting up, he came around the desk and sat in the chair
near hers. Looking into her eyes, he smiled warmly.

“Everything is OK with you, Christine. All
the tests show that there is nothing wrong with your head.”

A long sigh floated through the air and then
silence fell. The fear in her eyes vanished, and Simon felt that
she was relieved. He wanted to say something but noticed she was
trembling. She covered her mouth with her hand and started gasping
jerkily, so that she looked like a little girl crying.

Simon didn’t know what to do.
Maybe I
scared her too much
, he thought. He repeated what he’d said:
“Everything is fine.”

She started sobbing even more, as if she
hadn’t heard him. She was gulping air, shaking, and wiping her
tears with her fingers.

That confused him. His heart started to melt
as he watched her cry. She was fragile and delicate and he felt an
incredible urge to pull her to him and hold her tight.

He pulled up some tissues from the box on the
table and offered them to her. She sobbed even more and it seemed
like it was getting worse. Every time he said or did anything he
made it worse. It was some sort of a hysterical outburst.

Not able to endure it any longer, Simon
pushed his chair close to hers and took hold of her hand. She also
pulled her chair nearer to him and swiftly leaned her head on his
chest. She clasped her arms around him tightly. It was strange,
like a little girl hugging her father.