Private Parts (11 page)

"WHAT?!" I screamed like a maniac. "My father'll kill me. You can't call Albany from my house! You're a mental patient. Forget it."

She was still hysterical, so I drove her home.

"You're not going to call me again?"

"Absolutely not," I said. I was a real moron. I should have called her again and kept banging her. So what if she was a mental patient? I didn't get laid again until that summer when I went to camp to work in the kitchen. For some unfathomable reason, I was really in demand that summer. I began banging several different girls on a regular basis. But I didn't know how to handle it. I was so emotionally stunted. If I had been a smart guy, I would have made friends with the girls and been able to fuck them all simultaneously. As it was, I was like a black widow spider, I'd devour each girl after I fucked her. I wasn't in love with any of them and I didn't particularly want to hang out with them, so I wouldn't speak to them again after I nailed them. I was really mature.

But I was on a roll. I was sharing a tent with a guy named Danny, and one time he came into the tent while I was about to fuck a girl, and he wouldn't leave.

But that didn't stop me. While he was talking I slipped my penis inside of her. It was actually kind of exciting. And of course I came in like two seconds. It was too fucking exciting for an asshole like me.

One of the girls I fucked that summer was named Patty. She was a counselor and we were flirting with each other, so one night she came to my tent. I was lying there sleeping and she came in with her flashlight and she kissed me awake. She was unbelievably sensuous. We went back to her cabin and she was great. We ripped off our clothes, I got on top of her, and I blew my load in three seconds.

I was so sexually immature. Patty tried to widen my horizons but I was such a loser. I had no idea how to enjoy sex. One time we were about to fuck and just as I was about to enter her she tried to stick her finger up my ass. I pulled my cheeks together like rocks, I thought that was so wrong. I was so flipped out that I stopped talking to her.

But I had my eyes on a friend of hers, Leslie. Leslie was a latecomer to camp. She was filling in the last two weeks for a counselor who left early. She was a kooky actress type but she had an unbelievable body, great tits, brown hair, sensuous mouth. I fell head over heels in lust with her. I kept trying to get her to go out with me, but she refused. She told me that I was a jerk because I dumped her friend Patty. But I worked on her and worked on her and finally I overcame her loyalty for her friend and she caved in.

I was in heaven. It was great sex. Uninhibited, wild animal sex. She blew me like crazy; I'd eat her for hours at a time. We did sixty-nine all over the place. I wanted to propose to her right then and there, even though I was eighteen and she was an aspiring actress -- very affected. So when camp was over, I kept in touch with her. She lived in Princeton in a kind of communal arrangement with a children's theater group. A few weeks after camp, we got together at a camp reunion and it was magic all over again. We were making out like dogs on the steps, out in front of the whole camp, we didn't care.

When the reunion was over, we took a bus together back to Princeton. When we got to her house, we were fucking five times a night. She'd jerk me off in the bathtub. I would take her back to her room and eat her out for an hour. I would do anything to please her. I was head over heels in love with her. It was unbelievable. One

morning when she got up, she was nude and she grabbed my hand and said, "Come with me." I stumbled out of bed and I got my underwear on because I was totally self-conscious about anyone else in that house seeing my little mushroom. She led me down the hall and then she opened a door and we were in the bedroom of two gay guys who were in the acting troupe with her. Leslie hopped into bed with them and she started to get physical and then she turned to me and said, "Climb into bed with us!"

I was so provincial that if she had been in that bed with two other
girls
and she had made the same offer, I would still have panicked. But there was no way in the world that I was going to get into bed with two other guys. I ran out of the room, called her out into the hall, and started yelling at her.

But a few days later, I had a much better opportunity with Leslie and I really blew it. Patty came over to visit us and she brought her new boyfriend. Right off the bat, Patty's stock dropped in my eyes because here she was with this little douchy guy. We were all sitting in the living room and Leslie and I started making out. So Patty and her boyfriend started making out, too. Then Leslie started taking her clothes off and it dawned on me that we could have a group scene going down here. But I was so embarrassed to show my cock in public that I grabbed Leslie and took her upstairs. I blew what would be my one opportunity in life to do something kinky.

That fall I started college at Boston University. Anytime Leslie called me, I'd run right down to Princeton. But then one night I got a disturbing call from her.

"I'm breaking up with you," she said.

"What? Why?" I was stunned.

"I met this guy," she said. "He's a redhead and I like him a lot. He's got a really big penis."

I was freaking out. Now my penis was really an issue. She didn't say I had a small penis. But she was leaving me for a guy with a REALLY BIG PENIS. Why was she saying this to me? Was I really that small? I was devastated. Once again, I was a failure with women.

So there I was, a freshman at Boston University and horny as hell. B.U. was supposed to be a big party school, but I couldn't get arrested. Every girl on campus was ignoring me big time. One day I was sitting in the cafeteria with Lew (yes, the same Lew who was my friend at summer camp ended up being my roommate in college) and

my other friend Elliot and some other guys and an incredible-looking girl walked in. She was like a goddess. She was built like a supermodel: long, long legs; perfectly flat stomach. She was about five-nine and she was wearing a miniskirt, cut-off shirt, no bra, and platform shoes. And she was with an incredibly ugly girlfriend of hers. Beauty and the Beast.

They sat down and this gorgeous woman started looking over at us. I had such a horrendous self-image by this time that I agreed when Lew said, "Look at her, she's checking me out."

"Fuck you, she's checking
me
out," Elliot said.

Of course, the furthest thing from my mind was that she was checking
me
out.

That night I went to a party at our huge dorm, called the Zoo. There were literally thousands of students there. Back then, I used to chain-smoke, so I took out a cigarette, got ready to light it, and this goddess walked by me and said "Hello" and kept walking.
Oh, man!
I figured she wanted it -- why else would she say hello to a jerk like me? So I walked over to her and she was with Quasimodo again and I asked her for a light. Great opening line, huh?

"You girls looking for a party?" I asked, after a few drags. As if I, with no life, would ever have known where a party was.

"Sure, we love to party," the goddess said.

So we went upstairs. Finally, I had a social life. I had two girls with me, even if one looked like a troll. We were going from floor to floor, no parties. When we got to my floor I said, "I have some outrageous pot. You want to get high?" They said sure.

So we went into my room and I sat on my bed and the two girls sat opposite me on my roommate's bed. Once again, I broke into my pitiful stash -- my father was sending me only a hundred bucks a month for spending money, so I was always low on funds to resup-ply my stash. There was less than a nickel bag of pot in there and two Quaaludes. I took out a small hash pipe and we started smoking grass. That is,
they
started smoking grass. I was faking smoking it because grass made me totally paranoid and I wanted to be on top of things if I was going to put any moves on this babe.

After a few rounds of hits, I looked at the pretty one and said, "Come, sit next to me." Now she was sitting next to me on the bed, but Quasimodo was staring at us from her perch. I was doing a fake inhale on the hash pipe every time it came around to me, but these girls were getting whacked. Then I grabbed Beauty's hand and held

it. Meanwhile, her blimp friend didn't get the hint; she was still sitting there staring into space. I started making out with the gorgeous one and still her friend wouldn't leave. By now, I figured she was getting paid to be a chaperone.

Finally, we dumped the friend and went back to Beauty's room. We lay down on the bed, but she wouldn't take her clothes off. She just wanted to make out. We were making out for a while and then she suggested that I sleep with her that night. But she meant it literally -- just sleep with her. I was so intent on having sex with this beautiful woman that I would do anything by this point. Two seconds later, she was out like a light and I was lying there the whole night, nursing a hard-on and blue balls.

The next day I was talking to some of my friends and I found out more about her. Her name was Beth and I knew at least three guys she'd already slept with. Now I really felt great. So that night, I went back to see her. "I don't understand," I said to her, right off

"Apparently we lived together for a few weeks. My diary said he was sweet, shy, sensitive, one of the nicest guys I've known."

--
Beth, former girlfriend the bat. "Don't you fuck other guys? Why don't you want to have sex with me?" Some diplomat, huh?

"Why don't you try me?" Beth said. "Tonight, I'm ready."

So we went to fuck and she pulled her knees up behind her ears and she was wide open. I went in there and,
BOOM,
I lasted one second. But at least I got laid and Beth seemed to be really into me. The problem was she was pretty mindless. We had nothing in common. I had nothing to say to her. But she was gorgeous. So I fucked her again.

The next day I was talking to my friends again and I told them I scored. One guy said, "Did you notice when you fucked her, wasn't there some white shit on your dick?" He got me totally paranoid for a few minutes, but then I realized he was just jealous because he wanted to fuck her again.

Beth and I had intense sex for about a week. I mean this girl was totally into me. One time she was giving me a blowjob and I was about to come so I pulled her head away from my cock and I shot all over her hair. She gave me this dirty look as if to say, What the fuck

are you doing? I had no idea she was so into me that she wanted to swallow my come. I was such a moron. But after a week of this I was going crazy. She was so boring. I couldn't tolerate being around her anymore, so I dumped her.

I realized, then, that I was totally insane. I had nothing else going and nobody would even look at me. I got laid maybe twice more the whole year. Once was with a mutant who made Beth's troll friend look like Cindy Crawford and the other time was with an Armenian chick who wouldn't take her shirt off when we did it. And I soon found out why. While we were making out, I put my hand on her back and her back started to move. She had such a bad acne condition that my hand was literally sinking into a zit swamp.

So I decided I was playing it wrong. I was a long-haired freak, which put me in the minority because Boston University was filled with JAPs and "beautiful people." The "beautiful people" all went to a nearby disco called Zelda's, where everyone but a leper could get laid. So Lew and I decided we'd do a makeover and go to Zelda's. I cut my hair, got a "beautiful people" coif, and went to the beach to get a tan. Then I bought a huckapoo shirt, the silky kind that you open at the collar to display your gold chains, and black velvet pants. I looked just like an Israeli pimp.

That night we went to Zelda's. You have to realize that I was a total social misfit. Not only was I totally inept with women, I didn't even have a sense of direction of how to get home from Zelda's, so I was following Lew around like a baby duck. We stayed there for a while but it wasn't happening. I couldn't even strike up a conversation with a girl. I was the one guy who couldn't get laid at Zelda's. Then Lew got a brilliant idea. Nearby was an all-girls' college. So

Trying to fit in. With my new coif, I was ready for action.

Lew and I and our friend Rich decided to drive over there. Rich, it seemed, knew some girls there, so we were able to get past security and get on campus.

We walked into this huge dorm and there was this big open room and there were a million girls sitting around in pajamas, watching TV. So we sat down among all these girls. Rich knew some of them, so right away he disappeared into a room. So it was Lew and I now. We were sitting there and a tall blonde walked in. She had blue eyes and huge tits and she took one look at Lew and he disappeared with her. Now I was in my worst nightmare. I was sitting there alone with these girls watching TV. An hour passed, no one talked to me. Two hours. Three hours. Five fucking hours later, not one girl had talked to me. Lew came down all disheveled. He had had a wild time. Then Rich came down. He'd scored. Meanwhile, they were both looking at me as if I was Mr. Loser.

Sophomore year was no better. I think I fucked one girl. So now I was a junior and I was studying hard. My father was paying good bucks for me to go here so I figured I had to apply myself. But I was still looking for a real girlfriend. I was a year and a half away from graduating college and I had never had a normal relationship with a girl. My sexual history was a nightmare. When a woman dug me she was either a psychopath or a misfit or her back moved by itself.

So you could imagine that meeting a beautiful, normal girl like Alison was the most incredible highlight of my miserable life. I met her through my friend Ilyse, who transferred to Boston University from Ohio Wesleyan University. I knew Ilyse from camp and from Rockville Centre. But I never even went to visit her because, frankly, I wasn't interested in women as friends. So my meeting with Alison was totally accidental. Lew and Elliot and I were on our way to a party and it started to rain. We were still masquerading as "beautiful people" then and we were dressed in those ridiculous clothes. We were getting soaked and I was worrying about my coif being messed up when Lew remembered that Ilyse lived right near where we were. I decided I needed a blowdryer to dry my hair, so we went to see Ilyse.