Pretense (15 page)

Marrell laughed. "What an idiot I am! I didn't think of that. You could do the same."

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"Not as easily as you can. If the PX doesn't have one, I'm sure the Bibles in town would be in German."

"I didn't think of that either."

"Why don't you buy one for each of us and send mine here?"

"Okay." Marrell liked the idea, but doubts were crowding in. "Paul?" She said his name softly, and he thought she sounded like a lost child. "What are we looking for?"

"I think just what you said in your letter, Mary-peace. Shay has it; you and I don't. That thing you told me that she said, you know, about the city being destroyed and wouldn't we want to get out and get the girls out? I can't stop thinking about it. I feel like some huge hand is waiting to drop on me and destroy me. I've never felt so helpless in all my life. I don't know if the Bible has answers for those kinds of crazy thoughts, but I've got to start looking somewhere."

"Oh, Paul, Paul, why did this have to come up when we're so far apart?"

"I know. It's awful." Even as Paul said the words, he wondered at the chain of events. If he had stayed in California, would Marrell have gone to her grandmother's? If she hadn't gone to Colorado, would she have started to ask questions? Paul realized too that if Marrell hadn't written the letter, he might never have faced the fears inside himself.

"You're thinking," Marrell spoke into the silence.

"Yeah. I hate being away, but I must admit that it's forced me to do a lot of thinking."

"I hadn't thought of that. I don't always want to hear what's good for me, Paul. I've been angry at Shay because she says God has all the answers, and I don't always want to hear that."

"I know. I've argued with Shay so many times, but now I feel afraid. I've always believed there was a greater being out there. What makes me think I can get away with saying anything I want and believing anything I want? I can't stop thinking about it."

"So you're afraid most of the time?"

"Yes. How about you?"

"I'm more confused, Paul. I hate this empty feeling inside, and I can't understand why I would have it. I feel as though I have everything a person could want, but the hole inside me won't be filled."

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"How much have you talked with Shay?"

"Not much. The girls are usually around, and I don't want to scare them."

"I'm glad you're being careful. Maybe this is just a passing phase for us, and there's no point in getting everyone shook up."

"Is that what you really think, Paul-that this is a phase?"

"No, but I'm trying to stay open."

They fell silent. Marrell's eyes dropped to her freshly painted nails. It was silly to fix herself up for a phone call with her husband, but she had. Her hair was brushed smooth and pulled back at the nape of her neck. She had even pressed her blouse and put on makeup.

"I think we've run out of things to say for right now," Paul said softly.

"I think so too. It's all so emotionally wearing."

"How are things at the apartment? You feel safe?"

"Yes, very."

"And money-are you guys all right?"

"Yes."

"Okay. Listen, I think I'll get off now and try to get my head together. I'll write to you."

"I'll write to you too."

"I'll call this weekend."

"I love you."

"Oh, Mary. I don't know when I've loved you more."

She didn't want to cry while he was on the phone, but when she said goodbye, her voice told him she would. Marrell hung up and tried to understand why it felt as though her heart was going to break. In some ways, this was the most exciting thing that had ever come into her life, but having Paul so far away in the midst of it took much of the joy from her heart.

"Mom?"

Marrell looked up to see the girls enter. She did nothing to hide her tears.

"Did you guys have a fight?" Mackenzie asked.

Marrell laughed amid her tears. "Micki, for heaven's sake, why would we fight?"

"I thought you might tell him about wanting to be a Christian, and I just thought that-" Mackenzie's voice died out, and Marrell's tears dried very quickly.

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"Sit down, girls. I need to talk with you."

Mackenzie and Delancey were slow to obey, their feet dragging as dread filled their hearts. Their mother had been so emotional lately, they didn't know what to think of her.

"Your father and I did talk about church," Marrell began when they finally faced her. "I told him that Shay took us to church, and he shared with me that he went to a Bible study at the CO's house." The girls' eyes grew huge with this announcement, but they remained quiet.

"I can't tell you exactly what's going on right now, because I'm not sure myself, but as I said to you before, Micki, it's not about you. Dad and I are not angry with each other or upset with you. This is about our need to find something more in our spiritual lives."

"What's a spiritual life?" Delancey asked.

"Well, it's the inside of you, D.J. Like knowing inside your heart that everything is all right or not all right."

"Do you know if everything is all right?"

"No, I don't, D.J. I've started thinking about life and death, and I have a lot of questions."

"Is it because Grandma's getting older?"

"Not exactly, although she did tell me that her own aging is what caused her to reevaluate things. I think I already told you about that."

Delancey nodded, and then Marrell found both girls staring at her.
What do they see?
she asked herself.
Have I really been so different? Would God ask me to give up my children for Him?Icouldn't stand that, but if they want nothing to do with me ifIbecome a Christian
-
if they think I'm odd
-
that's just what I'll be doing.

"Are you all right?" Mackenzie asked. "You look like you're going to cry again."

"I do feel like crying, Micki, but I can't explain why. I'm just so full of emotion these days. I didn't think it would be this hard to have your dad gone, and sometimes my imagination runs away with me."

"Like how?"

"Like the worst that could happen-my girls not loving me anymore."

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"Oh, Mom," Mackenzie said, sounding pained. "We love you. We just don't want to go to church."

Her voice sounded so chagrined on this last subject that Marrell smiled.

"It's not funny, Mom." Mackenzie's voice became testy.

"I'm sorry. But you make it sound like a prison sentence."

"Sometimes it feels that way," Delancey added.

There was so much Marrell could say, but she didn't know where to start. Their feelings were normal, but it would have been so good to have them excited with her.
Excited for what?
she asked herself.
I don't even know myself. How could I tell them? If only Shay were here.

As if that very woman sensed she was needed, she called. Marrell smiled when she heard her friend's voice. Marrell hadn't finished with the girls, but she was at a complete loss as to what to say next.

"We'll talk later," Marrell said, holding the phone away long enough to tell them.

Both girls nodded, but neither was thrilled. Indeed, the day moved on, and evening and bedtime came, but their mother never brought up the subject. This suited the girls just fine. They both knew that Wednesday night would come soon enough. And at that time they wouldn't be talking about church; they would be attending it.

"D.J.?" Mackenzie called softly from the doorway.

"Yeah?"

"Were you asleep?"

"No."

Mackenzie came into her sister's room and sat on the edge of the bed. The light from the hall shone in, but the room was dark.

"I don't want to go to church tomorrow night."

"Me neither."

"Let's talk to Mom again."

"She won't listen, Micki."

"She might. I don't think Wednesday night church takes as long as Sunday morning. Maybe she'll let us stay home."

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"I don't know." Delancey was quiet for a minute. "It's too bad we can't go to Shay's, but she'll be at church too."

The girls sat in silence, not knowing that their mother was in her own bed thinking about the following evening's service too.

The girls hadn't said much about Christianity; it was attending church they didn't like. At times like this Marrell tried to think of what Paul would do. It didn't take long to have her answer. She knew for a fact that if Paul were here, he would say the girls had to attend. She knew they weren't going to be happy about it, but she had made her decision.

And Marrell was right. The girls, especially Mackenzie, were very unhappy. Indeed, when they climbed into Shay's car the next night, the oldest Bishop girl wasn't even speaking to her mother. For the first time in her life, Marrell had the ungracious thought that she couldn't wait for school to start.

The letter started
Dear Grandma,
and it was Marrell's first attempt to tell her grandmother all that had transpired.

It would be my wish to talk to you, Grandma, but I fear I will be too emotional. I know you plan to call, but we've been going nonstop, and you probably haven't been able to find us at home. With the girls going back to school next week and my starting to work for Shay, I thought I had better write while I had the chance.

Marrell chose her next words carefully, doing her best to explain how much her grandmother's example meant to her, how sorry she was for not letting her grandmother share with her before, and how much she hoped to find the truth on her own. In her heart, Marrell feared that all of these feelings would come to nothing and that her grandmother would have hopes of something that would never be, so Marrell walked on eggshells as she wrote.

I
guess I'm just trying to ask for your prayers. Paul is attending a Bible study on the base and searching as well. This time without him is more painful than I could have imagined. I've been to church with Shay four weeks now, and I

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just don't believe everything I'm hearing about God and the Bible. The world around me is so ugly, yet God does nothing. How can I put my trust in Him?

Not to mention the fact that the girls hate going to church. It's a fight to get them out the door each week. SometimesIwonder why I bother.

Marrell could feel herself becoming excited and made herself calm down. She did not want to lash out at her grandmother or force her to defend her faith. Asking for prayer again, she closed the letter quickly and told her that she would be in touch soon.

She felt exhausted when she was finished. All of this was so tiring. To keep the girls happy, she took them just about anyplace they wanted and allowed them privileges they had never had before. All the running around, missing Paul, and trying to find a God who seemed to be hiding from her, made her feel ready to sleep for weeks. She thought about telling Shay that she couldn't start at the office right away but didn't know if she would be able to explain why.

As it was, she had no choice. The next week Marrell sent the girls off to school and went back to bed with a horrible flu. Shay, who had been waiting to do some serious talking with Marrell about what was going on in her heart, had to put her plans on hold.

Heidelberg

"It's so clear to me now," Paul said quietly. "I've fought this for weeks, but now I see how much I need to humble myself before God."

"When did you say this was, Paul, last night?" Allen double- checked.

"Yes. I couldn't sleep. I told God I knew I would be miserable, but if He still wanted me, then I would do my best to live for Him." Tears clogged Paul's throat, and he couldn't go on.

Allen put a hand on his shoulder. "I've done nothing but pray for you since you arrived. I can't remember when I've had such a burden, Paul. You looked like a desperate man."

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Paul gave a small laugh. "Two months ago I'd have laughed at you, but since I got my wife's letter, my life has been turned upside down."

"How is she doing?"

"She was sick last week. The girls went back to school, and she was in bed with the flu. She continues going to church with a friend of ours, but she still has so many questions."

"That's good."

"Yes, but she's not satisfied with the answers."

"You can relate, can't you?"

"Yes." Paul couldn't say any more. He was desperate to be with her, but even if he could get leave now, that would shorten his time at Christmas. Something told him he would be sorry if he did that. "I'd better get back to work."

"All right. Come back around 11:45, and we'll go to lunch."