Pretending Hearts (28 page)

“I don’t think there’s an answer to that. You’re hurting right now and you’re angry, but you will get through this,” she said quietly.

“I’m not strong. I’m scared and I’m weak. I’m nothing like you,” I said roughly.

“I didn’t always think I was strong either. I was terrified of everything. Terrified to leave my house. Terrified to go to school. Terrified of falling in love with Blake.” Autumn shook her head. “Being scared isn’t equated to weakness. You’re strong when you don’t let your fears control you.”

“I’m sorry,” I said abruptly. “I’m sorry I played a part in your pain. I’m sitting here and complaining about how the world is unfair to girls when I was one of the people who believed those rumors about you.”

Her smile was sad. “We don’t have to bring up the past—”

“Because I prefer to live a lie. That’s the truth, isn’t it?” I pushed my hair out of my face and gave her a pleading look. “Maybe the reason the miscarriage is hitting me so hard is because I can’t pretend it’s not real.”

“We all have our defense mechanisms. No one faults you for your own,” she said. “Who could survive if we didn’t?”

I always wished for a sister. My mother and I could be in the same room, but the distance between us felt impossible to bridge. I wanted someone to share confidences. Although Blake was a fantastic big brother, there were limits. There were some subjects too taboo for siblings of the opposite sex.

If I designed the perfect sister, I’d probably come up with someone similar to Autumn. She listened without prying. She offered solace without advice. Best of all, she stayed without me having to ask. And when Blake called her, she didn’t let on that she was trying her hand at counseling his wayward sister.

When Autumn offered to stay the night, I took her up on it. I wasn’t ready yet to talk to Levi, but I wasn’t ready to be alone again either. As soon as I talked to Levi, I’d have to tell him about the miscarriage. I felt like the more people I told, the truer it became.

I also had to figure out if I should be with Levi. I loved him, but I was scared by the origins of my feelings. Did the love come from him being the antithesis of Wyatt? Had I been fair to Levi? We had only known each other a few short months and I already put him on an emotional rollercoaster.

I didn’t know if I could have a relationship. Autumn was right. I couldn’t control how I felt and I needed time to heal. And there was still a lot of stuff I still needed to figure out about my life.

Autumn was a distraction, but I couldn’t pretend the world outside didn’t exist. I couldn’t put my relationship with Levi in a limbo state while I dealt with the miscarriage. While Autumn was at the apartment, I continued my denial, but during the times she left to attend class, I was left alone with my thoughts and the knowledge I’d eventually have to tell Levi about miscarrying.

Autumn eased some of my burden. I didn’t want to talk to Wyatt, so she offered to let him know. I couldn’t deal with hearing the relief color his tone when I broke the news. However, I didn’t want him to continue thinking I had his child inside of me and I’d one day be part of his life again. After she made the phone call, Autumn would have told me the truth about Wyatt’s reaction if I asked her. But Wyatt’s place in my life was nonexistent for some time. Hearing about his callousness would’ve only led to a rage spiral I could never escape.

Autumn had spent two nights at my apartment and I didn’t have the heart to tell her to leave. Casey called and said she could come over to keep me company, but I passed on the offer. Maybe since Autumn had already witnessed me at my worse, I was okay with having her stay on. Solitude was a dangerous thing because when I was alone, missing Levi became unbearable. Another piece of my heart would break each hour that passed without talking to him.

When I couldn’t shut my brain off, I turned my phone back on. I ignored the call and text alerts and immediately dialed Levi’s number before I lost the nerve. He answered on the first ring. “Delia,” he breathed. “What’s going on? I’ve been calling you.”

I’d been trying not to cry, but the sound of the worry in his voice did me in. No one knew me in the way Levi did. “I’m so sorry. But the baby… the pregnancy… I miscarried,” I sobbed.

“Calm down, I’m coming over,” he said fiercely.

“No, Levi. I can’t see anyone now,” I said in a broken whisper.

“I’m not just anyone.”

“I know you’re not, but I need time right now.” Wasn’t time supposed to be the magical elixir intended to cure all? With each passing day, would I wake up and find that one of the missing pieces of my heart had returned?

“Delia, I want to be with you. You don’t have to go through this alone.” Levi had dealt with his share of pain. He suffered an unbearable loss and somehow came out the other side, a stronger and better person. He believed in my own strength, but I had a feeling Levi misplaced his faith.

“Maybe I do,” I sniffled. “I’m sad and confused and I don’t want to drag you into another mess. I feel like since the second we met, you’ve been there for me. And although I appreciate it, I’ve become too reliant on you.”

“Delia, please—”

“I’ve always had men come to my rescue. Ever since I was a little girl, I knew my father and then later my brother would save me from any problem I had. I never learned how to face anything on my own,” I said wistfully.

“I’m in love with you, Delia Bridges. I’m crazy about you. And shutting me out isn’t the answer,” he insisted.

“I love you too,” I sobbed. “But I can’t be with you. And I’m so incredibly sorry that I wasn’t stronger before. I should’ve walked away as soon as I found out I was pregnant.”

“Delia, don’t do this. Don’t make a decision like this when something terrible has happened. Let me come over. We don’t have to talk about us. I just want to be with you,” he said in a desperate tone.

I wanted to agree. I wanted to say the forever I had promised us in my mind could still happen. But being in love terrified me. Because I was scared Levi was another white knight. Another man to slay my demons and save me.

“I’m sorry, but I’m asking you to give me this time. Please,” I begged.

“I’ll give you whatever you want,” he said quickly. “Even when I don’t believe it’s something you need.”

I said goodbye and held onto the phone tightly as I hung up. I had no idea why I was choosing to embrace my suffering, but I wouldn’t use Levi to get over the miscarriage. He deserved to be with someone who was as good and kind as he was. Maybe I’d never be the good girl, but I wanted to be the strong and empowered girl. Not only did Levi deserve a better version of me, but I needed that version in order to survive.

The following morning, I took a long, steaming hot shower. I was showering almost every two hours, trying to wash everything away. I kept myself moving—because once I stopped, I’d fall apart. I wiped away the condensation from the bathroom mirror and stared at my reflection. Every imperfection was magnified—my blonde hair was limp, my complexion sallow and my blue eyes were dead pools. I tried to reconcile myself with the girl in the mirror, but I failed. If I hadn’t cried myself dry, I would sob once again.

I shunned the mirror and decided to avoid any more incidences of self-examination. For the time being, I could only focus on survival. As I dressed in the bathroom, I heard Autumn’s alarmed voice carry through the bathroom door. A chilling sensation crawled up my spine and circled around my heart.

I hurried to the sound and skidded to a stop in the doorway between the hallway and the living room. Two worlds were colliding as I saw my father come into the entryway of the apartment and Autumn dart towards the kitchen. Her movements were a blur until I saw her remove a large knife out of the butcher’s block. With trembling hands, she held the blade in front of her body.

My entire body slackened. A lump rose in my throat preventing any sound but an alarmed squeak to be released. I felt trapped in a waking nightmare. Denial was a powerful thing, but I couldn’t run from the scene playing out before me.

“Autumn, don’t you think you’re overreacting?” My father’s voice was commanding and authoritative. He didn’t sound distressed. He sounded as if he was trying to reason with a person teetering on the edge.

“Stay away from me,” Autumn hissed.

I opened my mouth to intervene, but involuntarily muteness continued to plague me. I couldn’t tear my eyes away from Autumn’s face. She looked like a wounded animal ready to pounce at the slightest provocation. Her brown eyes were wide with her lips parted. I could hear her labored breathing from across the room. Her hair created a curtain around her face as she continued to retreat from my father.

“Calm down. We’re all adults here. I had no idea you’d be at Delia’s apartment. I only came by to check on her.” He tilted his chin in the direction of the door. “The front door was unlocked.”

My dad took a step forward. The sudden movement caused Autumn to fly across the room. She pressed her back into the wall and swiped the air with her knife. “I told you to stay away.”

I was frozen with fear. Would she kill him? My father didn’t seem to share my worries. He watched her as if she was a jarred specimen. There was a detachment on his features and worse of all—no remorse. Evidently, he felt no responsibility for the broken girl quivering in fear at the mere sight of him.

My father sighed. “I wish you would give me a few minutes to clear the air. Things are different now. You’re engaged to my son—”

“You don’t get to do that,” Autumn interjected. “You don’t get to claim him as your own.”

“Well, Delia is my daughter. And it was your choice to pursue a relationship with my children,” he countered. He rocked back and forth. “From my perspective, I can only assume you’re using them to get close to me again.”

“Dad!” I hissed.

My father shrugged. “Come on, Delia. You must have thought the same thing. If I really ‘attacked’ her,” he said with sarcasm coating his words, “why would she tie herself permanently to our family?”

Autumn shut her eyes tightly. “I hate you,” she said softly. I could see her trying to block it all out. Her pain was raw and terrifying.

The evidence against my father had always been there, but I had refused to accept something was very off with his behavior. But my vision had cleared and I could see the enjoyment on my dad’s face as he took in Autumn’s terrified reaction to his very presence. His eyes were bright and alert and the corners of his lips were upturned as if he was about to smile at any given moment. Before my eyes, I saw a predator playing with his food before he pounced.

“I never hated you, Autumn. Even when I was in prison, I never blamed you for your confusion over what happened between us,” my father said reasonably. “You were young and impulsive and probably had regrets about pursuing me. And my regret is I caved to temptation and didn’t show proper restraint. But when you looked at me—”

As my dad took another step toward Autumn, I understood I had to put an end to it. I had to grow up and stop lying to myself. I had to give up my skewed worldview and face reality.

I sidestepped in front of my father and put a firm hand against his chest. “You need to leave.”

My father’s grin was wry. “What?”

“This is Blake’s apartment and you can’t be here. You can’t ever come here again,” I said firmly.

My father looked over my shoulder to Autumn before meeting my eyes. “Delia, you can’t let Autumn and Blake fill your head with lies about me.”

“No, I’m finally thinking for myself,” I said. My voice was heavy as I continued, “Dad, I’m not your little girl anymore. And I can’t keep refusing to see what’s right in front of me.”

“And what do you see?”

“I see someone who I don’t recognize. I don’t see my dad anymore. I see a man sick inside. And I don’t know if you’ll ever get better,” I said sadly. “I’m not sure if you forced yourself to believe your lies. But what you’ve said about that night is not true.”

My dad stumbled backwards as if my words were physical blows. “Delia, how can you say that?”

I looked back at Autumn. She had straightened up and was watching me intently. She still held the knife in her hand, but she had lowered the blade to her side. I had a moment of clarity when I saw her reaction to my dad. The truth had been there, but my need for my father had blocked it out.

“I know you would never hurt me,” I said, turning around to face my dad again. “But you did hurt someone I care about. You did something unforgivable. And I can’t be a bystander for one second longer. Because believing in you means I am saying what you did was okay.”

“Couples with problems have affairs—”

“Don’t,” I snapped. “Don’t try to sell me your public relations release on what happened.”

“What else can you take away from me?” my father demanded of Autumn. “You won’t be satisfied until you have it all. I’ve lost my job, my wife, my children.”

“Go before I call the police,” she said and I heard the strength return to her voice. “I know that contacting me is a violation of your parole and I will call your officer if you come near me ever again.”

My father’s face reddened and a vein pulsed in his forehead. His expression contorted into rage and it was the first time in my life I was truly afraid of him. His hand twitched at his sides and I witnessed firsthand the violent instincts he was harboring. My muscles tensed as I waited for his next move. Finally, to my utter relief, he spun around and stormed out of the apartment.