President Me (2 page)
Authors: Adam Carolla
12.   The Department of Labor
Conclusion: The State of the Union Address
This book is dedicated to ______________________________,
(INSERT YOUR NAME HERE)
for all of the devotion and passion, both in and out of the
bedroom. I couldn't have done this without HIM / HER.
(CIRCLE ONE)
INTRODUCTION:
THROWING MY HAT
IN THE RING
Not
one stand-up show or live podcast goes by where someone doesn't say to me in the autograph line afterward, “Ace, you should run for president.” Well, consider this book my official campaign platform. As you'll see, I have an assload of opinions and a dump truck full of ideas on how to make this country better.
I mean, why couldn't I be president? We're in the golden age of celebrity politicians. We've elected Jesse Ventura
and
Arnold Schwarzenegger. If Carl Weathers runs, we could complete the
Predator
hat trick. Everyone laughed when Donald Trump thought about throwing his comb-over into the ring in the last election. But we live in a country where 45 percent of people believe in guardian angels and think Elvis is still alive. Why wouldn't we elect Trump? He'd certainly make the White House a lot classierâa big picture of himself in the Oval Office where George Washington's portrait used to hang and a lot of gold-leaf toilet seats.
I do have the common-man touch that everyone seems to want these days. Which I think is retarded. I don't want a politician who's anything like me. I want them to think like me, but I don't want them to
be
like me. If that were the case, the president would be watching YouPorn all day. I also hate the “he seems like the kind of guy you want to have a beer with” stuff. I went to school with 190 jack-offs you'd want to have a beer with. I wouldn't trust those guys to assistant-manage a Del Taco, much less run the country. I want Bill Gates in chargeâsomeone who looks like he'd be horrible to hang out with. I don't need the relatable thing. I need the intelligence thing. Joe Six-Pack is great when he comes to your house and runs a snake through your main line. But you don't want him negotiating a Middle East peace treaty. Relatable is useless. When Bill Clinton was asked the famous “boxers or briefs” question, his answer should have been, “Fuck you. What does it matter?” To all these politicians who have to pretend to be the little guy and act like they're not rich or trying to get rich, I say cut it out. When did being wealthy in this country become a bad thing? Fuck that. You know who's rich? Smart people. I want a one-percenter to be president. I want the overachiever. I grew up with the 99 percent. They're not all that noble and hardworking. A lot of them are burned-out losers. I want that guy who has three degrees or amazing business sense and has made a shitload of money. Your school principal isn't supposed to be “one of you.” He's there to run the school. Your job is to study and not be a dumb-ass in the hallways. He just runs it the best he can to give you the
opportunity
to get A's. And do rich guys not have TVs? I'm pretty sure they have a lot of them. So they can see what's going on in the world. They don't need to be in the trenches with the little guy to experience the life of the common folk. We should be electing the guy who pulled himself out of that. The president is supposed to
lead
. The president is supposed to be our CEO, not our BFF.
I hate that if you run for president you have to pretend to be in love with the middle class. When it comes to talking to and hanging out with people, the superrich and the superpoor are far more interesting. If you had to sit on a long bus ride with someone (not that a rich guy would actually be on a bus, unless it was the Michael Bublé tour bus), you'd want it to be either Elon Musk or a homeless guy who was having a spirited conversation with a lamppost a few minutes before. You certainly wouldn't want your boring-ass brother-in-law who's gonna talk your ear off about the article he just read in
Insurance Underwriters Quarterly
.
I'm not doing this for me. I'm doing it for you, love of country, and my plan to order the surgeon general and NASA to reanimate the corpse of Marilyn Monroe.
Let's face it. It's a stressful gig, being the leader of the most important country in the world. We're so divided now, anything you do is going to piss off 49.5 percent of the country. Plus, the pay sucks. I made much more on this book than the president made this year. Bad presidents are forgotten about or become punch lines. It must be tough on Jimmy Carter to be watching TV and constantly hear his name come up as the yardstick of shitty presidencies. Worst economy since Carter. Worst energy crisis since Carter. I imagine Jimmy sitting at home one night watching CNN comparing Obama to him and saying, “How many free houses do I have to build? Rosalynn, throw me the remote. What's on HBO? I wonder what this
Argo
is about.”
I'd certainly be a breath of fresh air. Every time a politician makes a tepid attempt at humor, everyone thinks he's hilarious. It's about context. When a politician tosses off a mediocre one-liner during the State of the Union or a debate, people think he's a genius. But if you put an actual comedian in office, he'd be the funniest politician of all time. It's like being the funniest guy at a funeral.
More importantly, as comedians, our job is to say what is on our minds. Unfiltered and un-focus-group-tested. That's what drives me nuts when yours truly and other comedians get gang-raped on Twitter every time we say something controversial. We're comedians, not politicians. We should not be held to the same standard. We're not just allowedâwe're
required
to do what a politician can't do. And that's to be honest. Everyone talks a good game about wanting their politicians to speak their mind, but then look at who gets electedâsociopaths, narcissists, sex offenders, and liars. I'm none of those. I'm a truth teller. (I still haven't been caught for the sex offenses.) The essence of comedy is taking an uncomfortable truth and finding humor in it. Taking something horrible like crime, war, poverty, or divorce, and making it funny.