Popping the Cherry (26 page)

Short of sleeping with Zac, I wasn’t sure what else I could do.

When I’d hinted to the girls over lunch that tonight was the night, Gemma, Chloe and Piper were all for it.
Well, duh
. Only Flick gave me the eyebrow, biding her time to quiz me on the way to French to ask me if I was absolutely certain. Madame Clarke’s arrival saved me from having to answer, so I just shrugged. The second the bell rang to signal the end of class, I bolted from my seat and out into the fresh air.

Zac was waiting to greet me on the front steps, still the subject of hero worship with a small crowd gathering around him. His eyes lit up when he saw me walking towards him, and he stepped away from his adoring fan club to reach me sooner. He leaned in for a kiss and then pulled me into a hug, which I did my best to reciprocate, but the guilt twisted in my gut like the bough of a gnarled tree, its roots embedded in my heart and my head. Who in their right mind
wouldn’t
want to have sex with Zac?

So what if he wasn’t a virgin too?

So what if he had his life mapped out in front of him?

So what if he had his own place, albeit rented?

So what if he was actually seven months older than Jake?

So what if all the theories about why I couldn’t be with Jake had been blown to smithereens?

Tough
.

It was just a case of mind over matter, a minor issue, a mere bump in the road, a hiccup we’d look back at and laugh about one day. I linked my arm through Zac’s and walked with him to his Land Rover. First up was swimming and then it was back to his place for takeaway and movies. And that was when I’d make my move.

Everything went to plan but, as the evening wore on, I became nothing more than an actress, putting on a show. Even as I laughed in all the right places, and returned Zac’s kisses with vigour, I withdrew deeper into myself. Detached from my own body, I was nothing more than a spectator. A puppet, with nothing but sheer bloody-mindedness pulling my strings. The credits rolled, so I kissed him—anything to avoid having to try to hold a conversation—and made sure I gave off all the right signals. I didn’t resist when he lifted me in his arms and carried me up the stairs to his bedroom.

When he laid me on the bed and reached for my jeans, I lifted my hips to assist. Victory was so near I could practically taste it. So what if it was sour. Beaten into submission, my soul sought a safe place to harbour, far away from the heart I was on the verge of shattering. He lay down beside me and skimmed his hand over my body, touching me in my most sacred place. Zac groaned, so I copied him. His kisses grew more urgent, and then he buried his fingers deep inside me. My breath hitched in my chest and I bit back the need to scream. Self-loathing consumed me, setting my skin on fire, and left me paralysed.

Zac immediately removed his hand and lifted up onto his elbow to see me better.

‘Lena?’

‘I can’t do this.’ I turned my head away from Zac’s probing gaze.

‘That’s OK,’ he said, planting a kiss on my cheekbone. ‘I know it’s a big step.’

He tried to wrap his arms around me but I put up my hand to block him. Why did he have to be so damned reasonable? I shuffled out of his reach and clambered off the bed to retrieve my clothes, keeping my back to Zac as I dragged my jeans over my trembling legs. I turned around and forced myself to meet his gaze but I couldn’t hold it. With blinding clarity, I knew what I had to do and I despised myself even more for it.

‘No, I mean this …’ I swallowed. ‘Us.’

‘What are you saying?’

‘I’m sorry.’ I sank onto the edge of the bed, and fiddled with a stray thread of cotton on his duvet cover. Zac reached for my hand and squeezed it.

‘Why?’ he asked, the pain and confusion in his voice squeezing my heart even harder than his grip on my fingers. ‘We’ve been getting on so well.’

I nodded and shrugged at the same time. ‘It’s been great.’ My bottom lip wobbled, so I clamped it between my teeth, biting down hard. The pain stung and I tasted blood, but it was easier to bear than the pain in my heart. ‘I really care for you—’

‘But?’

‘You’re wonderful, and kind, and great company.’

‘And yet, you’re breaking up with me anyway.’

‘I’m sorry,’ I repeated. The sob I’d been holding back escaped, one tear closely followed by another. ‘I really wanted to make it work.’

Zac cupped my cheek with his free hand and lifted my head, trying to get me to look at him. ‘Then give it more time,’ he said, sincerity and pleading in his eyes, and he stroked my tears away with the flashy pad of his thumb. ‘Give me more time.’

I shook my head and focused on the shadow forming on Zac’s jaw. ‘It’s no use.’

‘Is there somebody else?’

I sucked in a breath and lifted my gaze back to his.

‘Not like you think,’ I said.

‘Go on,’ he prompted.

The air in my lungs rushed out in a heavy sigh. ‘There was someone, before you …’ I paused to regain control of my voice. ‘I guess I just haven’t really got over him yet.’

‘And he let you go?’

A laugh burst out of my chest unbidden, a nasty, bitter-sounding laugh.

‘He never even knew.’

‘Oh, Lena.’ Zac let go of my face and scooted closer. This time I didn’t resist when he drew me into his arms. I needed his hug, his understanding, his forgiveness.

Another wave of sorrow washed over me and sent my tears coursing down Zac’s neck. ‘I’m really going to miss you.’

‘Yeah.’

‘Is there any chance we …?’

Zac pulled back again to see me. ‘Any chance we can what?’

‘No, it’s OK, it’s not fair of me to ask.’

‘Try me.’

‘I was going to ask if we could stay in touch, but I know how lame that sounds.’

‘I’d like that, Lena, honestly I would but …’ Zac was the one to break eye contact and it was as if a door had closed on me.

‘It’s OK, Zac, I understand. I know it was selfish of me to ask.’

‘No, it’s not that at all,’ he said. ‘Just give me a couple of weeks first to … you know … sort my head out.’

‘Of course.’ It was the least I could do. ‘Thank you.’

‘So what will you do now? Will you tell him?’

‘I don’t know.’

Nathan showed up bright and early the next morning, ready to drive me to work. ‘What’s up?’ he said, the second I got my butt in the seat. ‘You look like shit.’

I slammed the door shut and rounded on him. ‘Gee, thanks, Nathan. That’s just what I needed to hear.’

‘Whoa. Easy. Who’s rattled your cage this morning?’

‘No one.’

‘Uh-oh. It’s not the T-O-T-M, is it?’

‘What?’ I missed the clip for the seatbelt and smashed my knuckles instead. ‘You’re not supposed to ask a girl that, you know, unless you’re sleeping with her maybe.’

‘Yeah, but you’re not just any girl. You’re you, and you’re used to me. And I know you, and I can tell something has got you crankier than a cat left out in the rain all day.’

‘Hmph!’

‘OK, make that, crankier than a cat left out in the rain all day, when there are open tins of tuna and sardines all lined up in the kitchen, and a dog in its favourite spot on the sofa next to its human,’ he said, coaxing a half-smile from me. ‘But seriously, what’s wrong?’

I finally got my seatbelt clipped in and flopped back against the seat to stare out of the windscreen. ‘I broke up with Zac last night.’

‘What? Why? I thought you really liked him.’

‘I do,’ I wailed. And that was the hardest part. All night I’d lain there wondering if I’d made a terrible mistake.

‘Did he do something wrong?’

‘I wish,’ I said. ‘Then I wouldn’t feel like such a bitch for dumping him.’

‘Then why?’

‘I don’t deserve him, Nathan.’

‘Well that’s a whole crock of baloney right there. What’s put such a ridiculous idea in your head? Not to mention you look great together.’

‘You’re not helping.’

‘You’re not giving me reason to,’ Nathan said, matching my impetuous tone. He pulled up at the traffic lights and used the time to search my eyes. ‘I had him pegged as one of the good guys.’

‘He is,’ I said, covering my face with my hands. ‘Zac’s a great guy. It’s just that I don’t know if he’s the right guy for me, he’s—’

‘Not Jake,’ Nathan said, finishing the sentence in my head rather than the words on the tip of my tongue.

I dropped my hands into my lap and put on my indignant face. ‘What’s Jake got to do with it?’

‘Oh, come off it, Lena. This is me you’re talking to.’ Nathan revved the accelerator and burst away from the lights the moment they turned green. ‘The pair of you have made me feel like I’m back in the playground, running gopher between two children too chicken to take the first step.’

I stared at Nathan, my eyes bugging out, but he refused to back down.

‘Fine,’ I huffed. ‘Jake
might
have something to do with it, but I didn’t break up with Zac just so that I can throw myself at Jake.’

‘No?’

‘No. Zac deserves better than someone like me, too hung up on somebody else. I hated feeling like I was stringing him along. It wasn’t fair on him.’

‘Very noble. And so what of Jake?’

‘What about him?’ I leaned forward and reached into my bag to get my phone for something to do.

‘Are you going to at least talk to him?’

‘And say what, exactly? I lost count of how many hours we spent together in my car, just the two of us, and not once did he give me the impression he was interested in me in that way.’

Nathan’s brow wrinkled as his eyebrows arched high in his head. ‘So what the hell was the slow dance and that kiss all about at his party?’

Huh?

My brain rallied for a suitable answer.

‘He was drunk.’

Just like when he’d sent me that private message.

‘So? Maybe he needed the extra courage.’

‘It doesn’t matter, anyway, Nathan. I’m not right for him,’ I said, falling back on my old argument, but it sounded so hollow to me now that I half-expected to hear an echo.

‘Don’t you think he should get a say in whether you’re right for him or not?’

‘And then there’s Gemma,’ I said, trying not to let Nathan’s words sink in. ‘She’d freak out if Jake and I hooked up.’

‘Why?’

‘I wish I knew, but she used to flip out when it came to me and Jake spending any time together.’

‘And that’s it?’

‘That’s what?’

‘You’re not going to give Jake a chance to speak because you don’t think you’re right for him, and you don’t want to upset his little sister?’

‘Who just so happens to be my best friend.’

‘Some friend. Well, it sounds to me like Jake isn’t allowed to even think for himself. That’s appalling, Lena. I thought you were bigger than that.’

‘What would you do, then?’ I tossed my phone—
my precious
—back into my bag.

‘Me?’

‘Yeah, Mister I’ve-got-all-the-answers-until-it-actually-comes-to-my-own-life Harrison.’

Nathan’s jaw tensed, but he took a deep breath and let my bitchfest slide. He moved his hand from the gearstick to rest it on my leg. ‘If I were you, I’d go to Gemma’s party tonight looking a million dollars and find a way to talk to him, let him know you’re available again, or at least see if he’d like to catch up with you.’

‘Oh, is that all?’ I said, reaching up to run my hand through my hair.

‘You do that a lot, you know. Jake’s hand-through-hair thing. He does it a lot these days, too.’

I yanked my hand back into my lap and dropped the sarcasm.

‘I don’t suppose you want to hold my hand tonight? Zac was supposed to be coming with me, and I haven’t told anyone we’ve split up yet.’

‘You’re asking me if I mind dressing up and coming to a party?’

‘Pick me up at seven?’ I said, unable to contain my first proper smile of the day. ‘Or should I come and get you for a change so you can have a drink?’

‘The night just keeps getting better and better.’ Nathan flashed his swipe card at the barrier behind Uncle Tony’s restaurant and parked up. ‘So how about we shop in our lunch break? I know for a fact I don’t have anything ready for a quick turnaround, and I’d rather spend what time I do have getting ready rather than trying to choose an outfit.’

‘Works for me. I’ve already got a dress put by, but you could let me know what you think?’

‘Deal.’

Nobody batted an eyelid when we walked into the shop together with our arms linked. They were used to us now. Nathan left to go up the escalator to menswear and I stayed down on the ground floor. For once, the day whizzed by. Even the lunchtime shopping expedition was a huge success.

With only forty-five minutes between walking in the front door after work and having to head out to pick Nathan up, I didn’t have time to be nervous. I laid my new, teal, lace-effect dress out on the bed, and dragged out my blue-suede platforms out from under the bed. I’d need my ballet flats to drive in, but the joys of taking my car was that I didn’t have to worry about a handbag.

After the quickest shower in history, I was back in front of my mirror with my wet hair wrapped in a towel like a turban. I didn’t have time to do anything fancy, so I applied my foundation with my fingertips, covered my eyelids with a pale-gold eyeshadow and applied a teal-green eyeliner. A hint of bronzer for my cheekbones, two coats of mascara and a slick of red lip gloss and I ready to tackle my hair.

First I hit it with the hairdryer until it was bone dry, and then I attacked it with the straighteners, catching the top of my ear in my haste. My ear was still stinging when I pulled my hair back into a side ponytail. I freed a few wisps to frame my face, then doused the lot in hairspray, adding some dry-ends serum to the ends of my ponytail.

I’d somehow managed to stay on schedule. All I had to do was pull on a pair of nude tights and my dress and I was good to go. The nature of my dress meant I couldn’t wear a bra: the back was sheer lace with a large diamond cut-out section revealing a hell of a lot of skin. The long sleeves were also sheer, whereas the front of the dress and the skirt section were lined in the same-colour teal, with the inner dress finishing an inch higher than the lace, so that the dress fell to a couple of inches above my knee.