Polaris (23 page)

“I'm glad to hear it.” Aileen smiled, tight-lipped. “Does this mean we're going to set aside our differences and be the best of friends now?”

Jeth laughed. “I wouldn't count on it, but I have decided to trust you enough to let you do your part on the Hanov mission.”

Aileen snorted. “Like you have a choice. I'm here on Dax's
orders and you have to follow them.” She motioned toward his head. “I know how those implants work.”

“Maybe so, but we're not connected to Dax at the moment. His influence isn't so strong out here.”

Aileen leaned back in her chair and put her feet on the table. “It's strong enough for Perry and Eric. You have to go along with them.”

“I wouldn't be so sure of that,” Jeth said, his thoughts returning to the scene in the cargo bay.

“Well, no matter,” Aileen said with false bravado. “Like I said, I'm the only one small enough for the job.”

Jeth rubbed his chin. He was starting to enjoy teasing her. “I don't know. Flynn is pretty small and limber. And I certainly trust him not to get Sierra caught.”

“Don't worry about her.” Aileen smirked. “She'll be fine with me, I promise. And definitely a lot safer than she is hanging around you these days.”

At once, the lightness between them evaporated, and Jeth's anger flared. He clenched his teeth, fighting it back.

“Oh.” Aileen covered her mouth, her eyes wide. “I'm sorry. That was below the belt.”

Jeth stared at her, uncertain if she was mocking him or being serious. She always seemed to be doing both at the same time.

“Have you smoothed things over with her yet?” Aileen asked.

Dropping his gaze, Jeth shook his head.

“Well, I wouldn't let it go too long. She's liable to get more pissed as time goes by.”

Jeth grimaced, knowing she was right. He just didn't know what to do about it. He'd never done anything so awful. He'd never laid hands on a girl in anger before, not even on Celeste, who'd punched him in the face the first time they met. Not that the attack had anything to do with Sierra being a girl; he would've done the same to anyone who'd stepped in front of him in that moment.

“Here, have another drink.” Aileen tipped the bottle over his glass.

Jeth hadn't realized his glass was empty. He should've felt the alcohol, but his head was perfectly clear. He supposed it was a side effect of the implant.

“Then go find her, get on your knees, and beg for forgiveness,” Aileen added.

“Like that'll work.” He picked up the glass and swallowed half of it down in one gulp.

Aileen rolled her shoulders. “It couldn't hurt. Just tell her you'll do whatever it takes to make her happy again. Girls love that sort of thing.”

A grin curled one half of Jeth's mouth and he considered teasing her again, but held back. He polished off his drink then stood to leave.

“Good luck.” Aileen raised her glass. “I'll see you in the morning.”

Jeth left the galley, heading up to the passenger deck. He stopped in the second cabin on the left and tapped the door. Several seconds passed with no response. Jeth considered tapping again, but decided to try the door instead. To his surprise and encouragement it wasn't locked. He
stepped in and closed it behind him.

The room was dark, but he could just make out Sierra's shape on the bed in the faint glow of the safety light on the door handle.

“Are you awake?” he spoke into the darkness.

Sierra didn't reply, but he saw her foot move, just a little. It wasn't much, but he would take any invitation he could get at this point. He stepped up to the bunk and saw she was facing away from him.

He pulled his boots off, trying to be quick but quiet, afraid she would tell him to leave any second. She didn't, and a moment later he slid into the bed behind her, wrapping his arms around her waist. She stiffened at his touch but didn't pull away.

Jeth inhaled, his breath stirring her hair. He let it out slowly. “I'm so sorry, Sierra. I didn't mean to do it. I got caught up in the moment and lost my head.”

Sierra made a disgusted sound that was more pain than anger. Jeth flinched, hating it, and hating himself for causing it.

“Is that supposed to be funny?” she said. Her stomach moved beneath his hands as she spoke.

“What do you—” Jeth broke off, catching her meaning. “The implant.” He sighed. “No, I wasn't trying to be funny. I just meant I reacted without thinking. I would never do something like that on purpose.”

Sierra shifted in his arms, turning to face him. He could just make out her eyes in the darkness. “I know. It's just . . .”

Jeth's heartbeat quickened. He reached out and stroked
the side of her face. “What can I do to make it right?”

Her mouth opened, but she didn't say anything, not for several long, terrible seconds. When she finally did speak, her words struck him like a physical blow. “Take out the implant.”

Jeth sucked in a breath, dread at the idea rising inside him. “I . . . I can't.”

Sierra sat up, leaning on one arm and looking down at him. “Why not? Dax isn't around to insist that you wear it.”

Jeth sat up too, bringing his face on level with hers. “That's just it. Dax might open the link any time. I have to be there when he does.”

“No, you don't. Perry or Eric can monitor it.”

“But—” Jeth struggled for a response, knowing there wasn't one. Not really. She was right. Dax wouldn't know if he was wearing the implant right now or not. He swallowed, unwilling to admit that he didn't want to take it out. Somehow in the last few days he'd gotten used to its presence. And he knew for certain he didn't want to face that empty, gnawing feeling having it out would bring, not when he'd have to put it in again later. Dealing with the loss of
Avalon
and worry about his loved ones was hard enough without adding that into the mix.

“But what?” Sierra prodded.

“I need to be there when he makes contact. I have to know what's happening at Peltraz.” His voice began to shake. “Saar destroyed
Avalon
, he knows we were there, and he could have found Lizzie and Milton by now.”

“Oh, Jeth.” Sierra cupped the side of his face with her palm. Her skin was as soft as silk against his, but the sympathy in her voice cut him. He didn't want it. He didn't want to break. He wanted to stay angry and focused. He reached for the implant's reassuring presence in the back of his mind, and at once the threat of tears vanished.

“I know you're in pain, but you've got to be careful,” Sierra went on. “That implant . . . it scares me, more than I could've guessed. Sometimes when I look at you . . .” Her voice trailed off.

“Sometimes what?” His stubble scraped against her palm as he talked.

“All I can think about is the deal we made, and I get even more scared.”

“Don't be. It's going to be fine.”

Sierra leaned toward him. “Then take it out.”

Jeth closed his eyes, his pulse quickening.
Do whatever it takes to make her happy,
Aileen had said. He reached behind his head and pulled the implant out. At once, a restless feeling came over him. His fingers twitched; his muscles clenched and unclenched. And worst of all, that empty-hole sensation seemed to spread open inside him like a deep hunger, an unquenchable thirst. With an effort, he ignored the inner turmoil and rolled over and set the implant on the table.

Sierra caressed his shoulder. “Thank you.”

He nodded and laid his head down on the pillow. She curled up behind him, her arm wrapped around his waist. Jeth closed his eyes and tried to sleep, but in moments the
back of his skull began to ache. Began to
itch
. He ignored it, forcing his thoughts on the mission, on Aileen and Remi, on anything besides his desire to insert the implant once more.

He succeeded for half an hour, long enough for Sierra to fall asleep. Then he sat up slowly and retrieved the implant. His guilt at putting it back in was gone in a moment, drowned out by the feeling of all the hollow places inside him filling up once again.

JETH LEFT THE CABIN EARLY THE NEXT MORNING, SNEAKING
out into the corridor.

“Trying not to get caught spending the night in your girlfriend's room?”

Jeth jumped and swung toward the voice. His mother stood in the doorway to sick bay, an amused expression on her face. He ran a hand through his mussed hair. “Why? Are you going to ground me?”

Marian harrumphed. “If I recall, that never was a very effective punishment for you.”

He smiled, and walked down the corridor toward her, noticing the syringe in her hand. “What are you doing?”

All humor vanished from Marian's face. “Cora isn't feeling well again this morning. We're going to try a new medicine.”

A tremor of fear went through Jeth's stomach, and he followed his mother into sick bay. Cora was sitting in one of the chairs, her head resting in her hands. A dark flush painted her sunken cheeks as if from a fever. The sallowness of her skin made her eyes look more brown than black. Jeth laid his palm against her forehead and flinched. It was ice-cold.

He glanced at his mother, but she didn't say anything.
There wasn't anything to say.

“Now hold still, Cora,” Marian said, holding the syringe at the ready next to Cora's arm. “Just a little sting. But you'll feel a lot better in a few hours.”

Cora didn't protest this time, too lethargic for fear. Not that she would be afraid. The poor kid had received more shots in her life than everyone else on this ship combined, probably.

Jeth patted her head. “You're the toughest girl I know.”

A weak smile crossed her face. “Tougher than Sierra?”

“Without a doubt.”

Marian clucked her tongue. “You're all done, free to run off and play at last.”

Cora sat up. “Can I go to the engine room?”

“I don't see why not.”

Sliding her legs over the edge, Cora said, “Aileen didn't like it when she saw me there yesterday.”

Jeth grunted. “Don't worry about Aileen. If she has a problem I'll deal with it.”

Cora jumped down from the table and disappeared through the door. Jeth was just about to follow after her when Marian said, “We'll be arriving at First-Earth soon. Are you ready?”

He pressed his lips together, assuming she was referring to his loss of control yesterday. “I'll be fine.”

Marian took a step toward him. She touched his arm, her fingers as light as feathers. “Are you sure?”

“Don't worry, Mom,” he said through clenched teeth.
“I'll get it done. We'll free the Pyreans and save Cora.”

Marian shook her head. “I'm not worried about the mission. I'm worried about
you.
”

Jeth raised his eyebrows. “Why?”

She looked taken aback. “You're my son, and I love you. I know you're struggling right now, and I wish I could do something to make it easier.”

He studied her a moment, his eyes lingering on her white implant. So far he'd never seen her without it. “Does it bother you to take your implant out?”

Marian touched one of the tentacles. “Not really. It feels strange, but that's just because I'm so used to wearing it.”

Jeth frowned, disliking the answer. The way she made it sound, not wearing it was nothing more significant than forgetting to put on a regular piece of jewelry. “It doesn't make you . . . anxious? I mean, you don't crave putting it back in?”

She shook her head, worry creasing her brow. “No. Why do you ask?”

“No reason.” He ran a hand through his hair. “I was just thinking how the implants use Pyreans to work, and I wondered if wearing one is a bit like what Cora's doing with how she wants to be near the metadrive, like if once you experience being connected to them you start to crave the connection.” He paused, thinking it through. “Almost as if the Pyreans are influencing that desire. You said they are sentient, yes?”

“Well, yes, but not the dead ones. Trust me, Jeth, you've never encountered a fully alive, fully sentient Pyrean before. Not yet.”

“I see,” he said. He knew it had been a stretch, but he'd sometimes gotten the impression the implants were living things, what with the way the tentacles would curl up and wrap around the wearer's head when inserted. If they were alive, maybe they could be influencing him, but it seemed unlikely, especially if having it out didn't affect his mother like that.

He sighed. “Anyway, like I said, no need to worry about me. I'm fine. Always am.”

Her look told him how well she believed it. Not wanting to give her a chance to call him on it, he headed for the door.

“I really am sorry,” Marian said as he reached it. “For what happened to
Avalon
. I know you cared for the ship. So did I. It was awful to see her go like that.”

Jeth closed his mouth, distrusting himself to speak. The pain was too fresh. Too strong. He glanced back at her. “Yeah, it was.”

“And I'm sorry for dragging you into this,” she said, her voice close to a whisper.

Me too,
he thought but didn't say.

“But you have to have faith,” his mother continued. “It's going to be all right in the end. I know it.”

Faith,
he thought. Where did hers come from? Surely it wasn't in fate, or some higher power. Their lives had been too dominated by failure and loss for her to believe in that sort of idiotic nonsense.
Maybe her faith is in the Pyreans
. Doubt churned inside him as he nodded and disappeared into the corridor.

They entered First-Earth territory a few hours later. Jeth was on the bridge as the planet came into view, distant, but unmistakable. Yet it didn't seem real. For his whole life, First-Earth had been this object of reverence, the source of all human history, human life. It was the oldest civilization in the universe, a historical monument that every person alive could claim a connection to, a shared past.

It didn't look much different from any other planet.

Except, Jeth realized as he scanned the area of open space before him, for all the traffic. Never before had he seen so many ships in one place at one time aside from during a military operation, and every one of them probably had the ITA on a quick call. Hell, half of them probably were ITA ships.

“This is going to be fun,” Flynn said, puffing out his cheeks. He stood to Jeth's right, as interested in seeing First-Earth as Jeth was.

Aileen grinned over her shoulder at them from the pilot's chair. “I'd say so.”

Jeth bit his lip. Thrill-seeking was all well and good so long as it wasn't stupid—like breaking the maximum velocity for remaining undetectable with the cloak drive engaged. This was the time for flying with absolute precision, not testing the limits. For a second, Jeth wished Celeste were here. She would be able to do this without question, flawlessly.

Aileen faced front again, her hands steady on the control column. Remi sat in the copilot chair beside her, as still as stone. Jeth stayed where he was for the first twenty minutes
before getting tired and sitting down at the comm station. Flynn took the nav, but there was little to do as Aileen piloted them through. The going was slow, uneventful, but not particularly easy. Aileen had to bring them to a complete stop again and again or keep changing directions to avoid a passing ship.

Nevertheless they finally came in range of the planet. Jeth announced it to the bridge at large after Aileen failed to. The old habit felt both familiar and brand new on this ship that wasn't his, but not announcing it would've been bad luck.

Cora came bursting in first, followed by a black-haired woman. Jeth blinked away shock as he realized it was Sierra. He hadn't seen her since breakfast. He had hoped that by leaving the cabin before she woke, she wouldn't know how early he'd reinserted the implant. That optimism hadn't lasted a second as she'd entered the galley this morning. Her eyes had found his for a moment before traveling to the tentacle curled around the base of his neck. Storm clouds had crossed her face, and she'd turned away from him.

Sometime in the intervening hours she had dyed her hair. Jeth had known it was coming, but still the change was startling. It made her already pale face ghost white and nearly unrecognizable. She would be a complete stranger once she put on the facial prosthetics.

With his mouth still open in a gape, Sierra flashed him a smile. It wasn't exactly cold, but distant, inscrutable. He returned it then faced the front once again. Cora walked up to Aileen, leaning against her chair and staring out the window on tiptoes.

“Cora,” Jeth called, catching the flustered look on Aileen's face, “you need to leave her be.” Cora's expression turned pouty as she turned, but it was good to see her display some energy. Glad the medicine had helped, Jeth motioned her over, and Cora climbed into his lap.

No one spoke as they entered the atmosphere. Jeth kept glancing down at the status screen in front of him, checking that the cloak drive was still engaged. The technology was nearly flawless, but sometimes the stress of passing through the atmosphere could cause a disruption. With broad daylight surrounding them, they would be spotted in an instant if that happened.

But the cloak drive held and Aileen headed for their landing spot in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean.

“Wow, all the water.” Cora stood up and approached the front window again. This time Jeth didn't stop her. The scene fascinated him, too. He hadn't seen an ocean this close in years, and he'd never had cause to do a water landing. It was strange, but despite all the wonders of space that he'd seen, the simple, moving grace of an ocean still filled him with awe.

The rocking motion of the ship, however, did not. Jeth hadn't known how much it would bother him, and he wished they'd timed their arrival closer to nightfall to avoid the long wait.

Jeth had a feeling he wasn't the only one plagued with a bit of seasickness. The look on Flynn's face as he and Jeth ran through a systems check on the shuttle several hours later was one of utmost misery.

“Are you going to be all right?” Jeth asked, clapping him on the shoulder. He wished Milton were with them. He would have something to make them both feel better.

Flynn shrugged, not looking up from the screen in front of him. “I wish I was going.”

Jeth frowned. “You do?” In all the jobs they'd worked together, Flynn had always been happy to stay behind with the ship. Somebody needed to be there to move
Polaris
out of the way if another ship passed through these waters, and to keep an eye on Cora. It was true someone else could've done it, but of all of them, Flynn was the best choice. Cora needed someone she knew to stay with her, and if anything went wrong with the ship, Flynn was the most qualified to handle it.

Flynn nodded. “Beats the hell out of staying on this thing.”

Jeth swallowed, understanding the problem at once. He'd been stupid not to have realized it before.

“It's just so weird, you know?” Flynn peeked over at him. “I wish
Polaris
wasn't a Black Devil. It would be easier to forget about
Avalon
. And there's not a single thing broken on this stupid, shiny ship. I don't know why I bothered bringing all my tools.”

“I know,” Jeth said, his throat tight. Of course he wasn't the only who cared about
Avalon
. For years, Flynn had been the one who kept her running. How could he not love her?

Flynn sighed. “Everything is changing.” He pulled a piece of chocolate from his pocket and began unwrapping it. “I hate change.”

“Me too,” Jeth said. “Me too.” They finished the systems check in silence.

Twenty minutes later, Flynn left to take care of Cora, and the rest of the crew piled into the shuttle. It was a tight fit, cramming seven people in a ship designed for four.

“It's a good thing we're not trying to fly this thing,” Aileen noted from the copilot's chair.

“No kidding,” Jeth said from beside her in the pilot's seat. He'd been surprised at how easy it was to convince Aileen to let him pilot. It seemed they'd come to an understanding after their late-night conversation. He found himself almost enjoying her company.

“Try not to hit anything until we're close enough to swim to land.”

Almost.

“We'll be fine under the water and for such a short distance,” Marian said from behind Jeth.

She was right, of course. They navigated through the bay, arriving without issue at an isolated, private dock about thirty kilometers southeast of their destination. Jeth brought the shuttle to the surface, and Remi climbed out through the top hatch, leaping to the dock to tether them.

The hover truck Dax had secured for them was a short walk from the pier. In the distance, a bright haze surrounded the city from so many lights set against the night sky. It was just past nine now, and would be well past ten by the time they arrived, but Jeth had a feeling that a city like that never slept.

“I should drive,” Sierra said as they climbed into the truck. The outside was painted a dark green with
BOB'S CARPET
written on the sides in bright yellow. “I know the city best.”

Everyone agreed and piled into the truck. Jeth took the front passenger seat, giving him the clearest view of the city. If he thought the space surrounding First-Earth was congested, it was nothing compared to the traffic in the city itself, both vehicular and pedestrian. The city crawled with life, the sidewalks and streets like undulating surfaces set in between buildings so tall only a fragment of the night sky was visible.

“This place is packed.” Jeth glanced at Sierra. “I can't imagine living here.”

“It wasn't easy,” she said, not looking at him. Tension threaded her voice. It wasn't just fear, but hatred. Of this place, and of the life she thought she'd left behind forever.