Please (25 page)

She stared at him, her mouth agape. She had seen enough movies to know he
’d been doing coke.

He sat down on the bed beside her, stroking her hair.
“What’s wrong?” he asked.

“
What’s wrong?” Elizabeth hissed, staring at him angrily, trying to shrug off his hand. “I’m shackled up like a convicted serial killer while you’re in there getting high with those whores and you ask me what’s wrong?”

“
You’re right,” he said, unlocking the handcuffs. “I should have had you join us.”

Her hands freed, Elizabeth leaped off the bed, her eyes casting around the room for her clothes.
“Damn!” she said, realizing they were in the sitting room with the coke-snorting hookers.

“
You don’t like my surprise?” Sebastian asked, the smirk on his lips again. He was moving toward her slowly, stalking.

The high boots and push-up bra that had made her feel powerful and seductive minutes before now made her feel vulnerable.
“No,” she said, feeling herself being backed into a corner, literally and figuratively.

Sebastian cupped her face in his hands. She looked into his coked-out eyes, the dilated pupils making him look devoid of emotion, alien.
“Elizabeth,” he sighed, his voice low and persuasive. “I made your fantasy come to life. Remember your last night in New York? What was his name?” He moved closer to her, trapping her with his body. Elizabeth’s mind flashed back to that night. Her naked body pressed between the young man’s peach-fuzz smooth skin and Sebastian.

“
Brandon,” she said.

Sebastian nibbled along her jaw.
“Mm. Brandon.” He wedged his thigh between hers, grinding against her. But what had made her ache with desire earlier just irritated her. Her clitoris felt raw and sore and Sebastian’s loamy scent was clouded with the reek of alcohol. She could smell the women’s mingled perfumes on him, too, overly sweet and musky. She felt like she was going to throw up.

“
So, now, Elizabeth,” Sebastian said, wrenching down her bra strap to expose her left breast. “It’s my turn. My fantasy.” He bent his head to pull her nipple into his mouth, sucking it too hard.

“
Ouch,” she said, trying to twist away from him, but he clamped his teeth on her nipple biting down.

“
Sebastian!” she yelled, slapping the side of his face as hard as she could.

He staggered back from her, his hand held to his reddening cheek, shocked. Then he smiled and advanced toward her again.
“
Now
you’re getting it,” he said.

Elizabeth dodged him, running for the closed bedroom door.

He was too fast, pinning her against it. She could hear the hookers in the other room talking and laughing.

He clamped his hand over her mouth with one hand, holding her wrists over her head with the other. His body crushed her.
“Be fair,” he whispered, his breath hot and sour. “Indulge me. You’re just scared. But you’re going to like this. These girls are professionals. They’ll make you come so hard you’ll be seeing stars.”

Sebastian released his grip on her mouth and slid his hand down the length of her body, easing it between her legs. He began to tease her clitoris with his fingers, still talking, but Elizabeth neither felt his touch nor heard his words. She was experiencing a moment of cold, complete clarity. Two thoughts rang out with crystal certainty in her mind.

One. Whatever it was that Sebastian called what he felt for her, it was not love. Two. She had to end this, now, or be destroyed by it, as Mel had.

She finally understood what the agent had been trying to make her see. Sebastian had to push things further each time. He had to make it more dangerous. He had to cause her more pain. He had to control more of her. Elizabeth flashed back to the night before he had first seduced her. He had her pinned against the door of her hotel room, just as he did now. She remembered how she had felt, her body throbbing with lust, her mind clouded by confusion.
“What do you want from me?” she had asked. “Complete and utter submission,” was his answer. She had thought he was joking. Of course the irony of it was that if she did submit to him fully, give up everything for him, let him know she was his entirely to do with as he would, he would leave her, just as he had left Mel. Like a curious and malevolent little boy, it was the breaking of the toy that interested him. Once it was broken, it was just trash.

Elizabeth let herself go completely slack, offering no resistance. Sebastian pulled away from her.

“That’s more like it,” he said, but Elizabeth was sure she saw a brief shadow of disappointment in his eyes. “Now, are you ready to play nice?”

Elizabeth looked away without answering. She opened the door, found her clothes where she had dropped them, ignoring the women taking turns snorting white powder off the glass surface of the coffee table.

Finally, she spoke. “No, Sebastian. I’m leaving.”

“
Right,” Sebastian said, with a chuckle.

Elizabeth perched on the edge of an armchair as far away from the hookers as possible and unzipped her boots, sighing with relief as she peeled them off.
“I’m not joking.” She looked into his eyes, those bottomless black eyes, and saw something shift in them. Fear.

“
Aw, come on, lovey,” the dark woman said, coiling her arm around her friend’s waist. “We guarantee a good time.” Both women stared at her with come-hither, half-lidded eyes, the black girl fondling the blonde’s pneumatic breasts.

Elizabeth wasn
’t moved. She felt completely calm and flat inside, as if everything that was happening around her was a movie she was watching. She pulled on her jeans and sweater and began to root around in her suitcase for her hiking boots.

Sebastian crouched down beside her and put his hand on hers to stop her.
“Elizabeth,” he said, his voice low and persuasive. “Don’t be like this. Please.”

She paused and glanced at him. He touched her hair, tenderly, and she felt his hand trembling, from the coke or from nerves, she didn
’t know which. The way he looked at her was almost pleading. She felt a worm of emotion slither its way into her hardened heart. He was so beautiful.

She touched his cheek, softly
, and felt the rasp of his dark stubble. “Sebastian,” she said, her voice breaking with emotion. Something shifted in his eyes again. Triumph. She swallowed the lump in her throat. “I’m sorry.” She turned away from him, pulling her hiking boots from her bag. “It’s over.”

She heard a snicker from the women on the couch.

Sebastian exploded. “Out!” he yelled, standing up and pointing at the door in one violent movement. They stared at him, unfazed. The black one held out her hand, palm up, and looked at him levelly.

Sebastian wrenched out his wallet and flung a wad of colorful bills at her. The two women picked up the scattered money with the speed and calm determination of sparrows descending on crumbs of bread.

“Now get the fuck out!” Sebastian spat. His beautiful features were contorted into a hideous mask of rage.

The two women picked up their long beige trench coats and moved as a unit to the door. The black one tucked the wad of bills into her pocket and winked over her shoulder at Elizabeth as she left.

Sebastian slammed the door shut and, turning toward Elizabeth, tried to rein in his anger. His eyes were rimmed in red and his jaw was clenched.

Dressed now, with her boots on, Elizabeth stood up, shrugging on her jacket and reaching for her suitcase. She avoided looking at Sebastian, a quivering presence in her peripheral vision, coming closer.

“They’re gone, Elizabeth. You got what you wanted.” She could hear the tension in his voice, the effort it cost him to control his emotions. “Now can we start over?” He put his hands on her upper arms. “Elizabeth, look at me.”

“
I’m sorry,” she said again, genuinely feeling it, as she pushed past him, eyes down. Regret hung like a weight around her heart.

Sebastian grabbed her and whirled her around to face him, shaking her violently. She met his eyes. They were wet with tears of rage.
“No!” he shouted, his face inches from hers. “You don’t get to end this!”

He pushed her away from him. Elizabeth staggered backward and fell, hard, against the armchair. Her heart pulsed with adrenaline. She tried to stand up, but Sebastian had grabbed her again, wrenching her onto her stomach and pushing her down onto her knees
with her face mashed into the seat of the chair. She struggled to get up, but Sebastian was heavy, on top of her, reaching around to rip open her jeans and yank them down.

He grabbed her hair and pulled sharply. Pain shot through her scalp and she reached up to try and stop him.
That only seemed to make him angrier. He pushed her head down into the cushion of the chair, making it impossible for her to speak, or breath, even.

“
You don’t leave me,” he choked out, his voice thick with angry tears. She heard the sound of his zipper and felt him plunge into her, hard and tearing. But she emptied herself of all emotion. She became inert. When she stopped struggling, he released her head, thrusting into her again. She raised it off the cushion, sucking in air. Then she spoke.

“No,” she said.

He attempted to enter her once more, failing.

She said it again, louder. “No!”

He hesitated, hands on her hips, his breath coming in ragged gasps. Then he collapsed against her, sobbing, before dropping onto the floor.

Elizabeth lay still for a moment, feeling the cool fabric of the chair against her cheek, the solidity of the floor beneath her knees, the tingling burn of her scalp. She listened to the sound of her heart beat slowing down and Sebastian
’s choking sobs. Then she stood, unsteadily, and zipped up her jeans.

Sebastian sat knees up, arms folded, head down. His jeans were open and his penis lay limp and impotent between his legs. His body shook and heaved, the labored grunts and gasps coming from him, pathetic and ugly.

“You need help,” she said, without judgment or anger. Just a fact. “You’re sick, but I’m not a doctor.” She picked up the handle of her suitcase and her jacket and walked shakily to the door.

It was only when she was in the cab on the way to the airport that she remembered. Her ring.

Chapter 13

Steve threw Elizabeth’s bags in the trunk of his Lexus as she sat in the dark in the passenger seat, watching him in the rear-view mirror. It was nearly midnight and she had been traveling for the past eighteen hours. She was beyond exhausted and still hadn’t recovered from her show-down with Sebastian, but something told her she was going to be put through the emotional wringer yet again. She gnawed on her thumb, a chilling dread creeping over her. Steve had been grim faced and monosyllabic from the moment he greeted her in the arrivals lounge.

Pretending not to notice, Elizabeth had chattered away about the book tour. But with each sentence she uttered into the vacuum, it became more and more clear that she was only prolonging the inevitable. Steve knew.

As Steve climbed into the car and put his seat-belt on, closing the door behind him almost wearily, Elizabeth became more convinced that she was right, but she just couldn’t stop talking.

“
And you wouldn’t believe how expensive everything is in the UK.” Elizabeth picked up right where she had left off, even though Steve hadn’t started the engine and was just sitting with his hands on the steering wheel, gazing into the distance. “Twelve bucks for a crappy white bread tuna sandwich and a ginger ale on the train. The sandwich was so dry, I thought about actually dipping it in my ginger ale.”

Elizabeth caught herself unconsciously rubbing at her ring finger. It wasn
’t the first time. The fingers of her right hand seemed to be drawn to the empty space. She took a deep breath, willing her voice to sound normal.

“
Oh, and would you believe I lost my ring? I took it off for the flight because my fingers just puff up when I fly, for some reason. That never happened before. Must be an age thing.” She let out a nervous-sounding laugh, silently cursing herself before she continued her ramble. “And I swore I put it in the outside pocket of my purse, but then I had to stow my purse in the overhead bin, and who knows? Maybe it fell out? I’ll call the airline tomorrow, but I think we can kiss it goodbye.”

“
Elizabeth, we need to talk,” Steve said, as if he hadn’t heard her, still staring straight ahead. The key dangled in the ignition.

Elizabeth gulped. She felt guilt oozing out of every pore.
“Okaaay,” she said, stretching the word out, still buying time. “But maybe you should start driving. It’s almost midnight and I’m pretty sure tomorrow’s a school day. Somebody’s got to get up with the kids ...”

“
Your mother’s taking the kids to school tomorrow.”

“
And you have to work ...”

“
Elizabeth!” Steve looked at her with a pained expression. “Please. This is hard enough as it is. Don’t make it worse.”

Elizabeth swallowed hard but didn
’t say anything. She looked into the eyes of the man she had fallen in love with over Tiger beer and pad Thai, the man she had married, the father of her two beautiful, impossible children and thought, This is it. This is where he tells me he wants a divorce.

Steve looked away from her again, inhaling a deep, shuddering breath. His nostrils flared and his chin quivered.

“Oh my God. Steve. Are you crying?” Elizabeth put a tentative hand on her husband’s shoulder. She had made two men cry within a twenty-four hour period. That had to be some kind of record. And once again, she found herself at a loss for what to do. Tears from a grown man seemed somehow shameful and private, an aberration of nature. But this time, Elizabeth didn’t feel revulsion. She felt deep, deep sorrow and utter remorse. Her eyes welled up with tears of her own.

“
Oh God, Steve,” she sniffed. “I am so sorry.” Her hand was still on his shoulder, but he shrugged it off angrily and looked at her, his eyes red.

“
You’re sorry?” he asked, “What are you sorry for?”

Confused, Elizabeth sputtered,
“Everything.” What was going on here, she wondered.

Steve continued to look at her, his eyes burning with a strong emotion that Elizabeth couldn
’t place. Anger? Hatred?

When he spoke, Steve
’s voice was quiet. He looked down at his hands. “Yeah. I did blame you, at first. I said to myself, ‘She doesn’t appreciate me. She continually rejects me. She constantly criticizes me. We never have sex. And we can’t have a goddamn conversation without it turning into a fight.’”

“
Now wait a minute ...” Elizabeth started.

“
See!” Steve said, raising his voice, his eyes burning into her, accusingly. “You’re actually going to start arguing with me about the fact that we always fight.”

Elizabeth was silent. He was right.

Steve held her in his gaze. His eyes started filling with tears again. “But that doesn’t make it right. That doesn’t justify what I did.” He squeezed his eyes tightly, as if to swallow the tears.

Elizabeth felt an icy hand grab her guts.
“Wait. What?”

Steve opened his eyes and Elizabeth thought she could identify the emotion there now. Guilt, with an ample serving of shame. Steve
’s voice was flat when he spoke, as if there was no way to imbue what he had to say with the emotion it deserved.

“
I slept with Carmen.”

*

“Steve slept with Carmen?” Emily asked, her mouth hanging open, the glass of chilled Chenin Blanc in her hand, forgotten.

Elizabeth reached across the rattan coffee table and took it from her, placing it down carefully on the coaster. It was a perfect May afternoon and they were in Nina
’s chintz and wicker filled sun-porch. A gentle breeze wafted over them, filling the cozy space with the smell of cut grass and the sun-warmed laundry drying on the clothesline in the back yard. Generally, the three friends met the first Friday evening of every month, just the three of them, but Elizabeth had called an emergency meeting.

“
Did I miss something?” Nina asked, bustling in with a platter of fragrant pastries. Elizabeth detected a liquorice-rich whiff of basil and some pungent cheese.

“
Steve slept with Carmen,” Emily said, her voice flat, her eyes like bowling balls.

“
What?” Nina gasped, putting the platter down, without looking, almost on top of Emily’s glass. “That woman from Arizona? The one with the horrible hair like Amy Winehouse?”

Elizabeth and Emily nodded simultaneously. Carmen was a sales rep at Dean Industry and Agriculture who had been transferred from the main branch in Tucson to Fairfield two years ago. The unmarried twenty-something had also been a regular at the friends
’ Zumba classes, shaking her booty arhythmically in a neon pink thong leotard and black Lycra tights. Elizabeth had even had her over to the house a few times, feeling sorry for a single woman in a town full of young families and retirees. At about the time of Steve’s promotion, she had been called back to Tucson. Elizabeth remembered talking with her about it while they waited for class to start.

“
Thank God!” Carmen had said, her hands clasped theatrically over her heart. “I can have a social life again. Ladies’ night at Tequila José’s here I come! Though there are definitely some things about Fairfield I’m going to miss. I looove working with Steve, for one.”

Elizabeth hadn
’t thought anything of it at the time. Everybody liked working with Steve. He was a good manager, she knew. But in view of recent developments, she saw that exchange in a different light.

“
I don’t believe it!” Nina sat down heavily on the settee beside Elizabeth. “Steve? And that, that woman?” She spat the word out like it was a rancid quiche.

“
I know,” Emily concurred, her voice flat and toneless.

Both women had the glazed eyes and blank faces commonly associated with victims of shock. Elizabeth shrugged and picked up one of the pastries and bit into it, sighing with pleasure. The buttery crust oozed a filling of cheese and herbs into her mouth. Of course, she understood how her friends felt. She had been the same way when Steve told her about Carmen. Before he
’d confessed, she could as easily imagine Steve dancing for the Bolshoi ballet as she could see him having an affair. But she’d had a few days to process her emotions.

“
The car ride home from Cedar Rapids was unreal,” she said, “like I was having an out of body experience.”

“
Steve.” Emily picked up her glass and swirled her wine, watching the tiny whirlpool. “Of all the men, I never would have suspected him. I mean, he’s so ... straight. A good old Midwestern boy.”

“
Weeeelll,” Nina stretched out the word as she poured herself a glass of wine. “Perhaps he was feeling neglected, no?” She arched an eyebrow at Elizabeth. “I mean, you told us that you did not have sex for months? If this happened with Marc and me? Pff!” She made a sound of disbelief. “No. I cannot imagine. He would drag me by my hair like a caveman. Of course we women need sex. But men. They
need
sex. Like air.”

Elizabeth nodded.
“Yeah, well it was a bit more than just sex. Steve said he felt like I didn’t appreciate him. Like I didn’t care about him. Carmen laughed at his jokes, complimented his clothes, his hair. Made him feel like he was someone. So, when he was in Tucson on business, the sales team went out for drinks. She came on to him. Bam.” She smacked her hands together.

Nina nodded, a thoughtful expression on her face.
“Yes, like with you and Sebastian. He made you feel like a desirable woman again. And this Carmen, she made Stevefeel like a man.”

“
Wow.” Emily was still staring at her, mesmerized. “Your life is like an episode of
Desperate Housewives
. You and Sebastian. Steve and Carmen.”

Sebastian. Just hearing the name made Elizabeth
’s stomach twist.

“
So it was only one time?” Nina asked.

“
I don’t know. I didn’t ask.” Elizabeth reached for another pastry.

“
You didn’t ask,” Emily stated flatly. “You were trapped in a car with him for an hour and you didn’t ask. I would have wanted to know details. When did it start? How many times did they do it? Did they do it in my bed? Was she better than me?” Emily fired the questions one after another, growing more animated with each one.

Elizabeth shrugged. She didn
’t want to know.

The off-handed gesture seemed to make something snap in Emily.

“Man!” She threw one hand up in the air in a gesture of angry incomprehension and looked at Elizabeth, her eyes filled with fire. “What is wrong with you people? I seem to remember your marriage vows being the same as mine. Or were yours ‘Until I get bored and lonely’ instead of ‘Until death us do part’?”

Elizabeth stared at her friend. She was right, but
...

Nina put a gentle hand on Emily
’s arm. “Emily. Of course you are upset. But this is not about you, hm? This is about Elizabeth. She is our friend, remember?” She said this with an impish smile. “Let us support her. Listen to her.”

Emily crossed her arms over her chest and looked out into Nina
’s back yard. “Sorry,” she said, grudgingly.

Nina turned to Elizabeth, her eyes full of sympathy.
“Tell us, everything, Elizabeth.”

Elizabeth did. She back-tracked to her London trip, to the ugly scene at the Savoy. She left out the grisly details but made it clear that she and Sebastian were finished. Then she described the car
ride home from the airport.

“
After Steve told me, I asked him three questions. I said, ‘Do you love her?’ He said, ‘No.’ I said, ‘Is it over?’ He said, ‘Yes.’ I said, ‘Do you still want to be with me?’ He said, ‘Yes. I think so. Of course, but ...’ And I said, ‘But some things have to change. Agreed?’ He just nodded. Then he started the car and we drove home. We didn’t talk much about what needed to change and how to change it. But I guess we’ll start seeing a marriage counselor. I think at the time, I was just too emotionally drained and physically exhausted to get into it with him. And he seemed to be in shock that I wasn’t angry.”

Emily narrowed her eyes.
“So you didn’t tell him. About Sebastian.”

Elizabeth shook her head.

Nina made a tsking sound, looking at Emily as if she were foolish for even thinking of it. “Why she would do that?” she asked, rhetorically.

“
Uh, maybe it would be honest,” Emily said. “Maybe it would make Steve feel like less of a lying, cheating dirt-bag if he knew his wife was giving it away too.”

“
No. I disagree completely.” Nina sat up straighter with the conviction of her belief. “It would destroy his faith in their marriage. No man wants to know that his wife has had sex with another man. Ever.”

Elizabeth nodded.
“Exactly. And I won’t turn into one of those women who holds a man’s affair over his head in perpetuity, using it against him whenever she gets the chance.”