Played (15 page)

"The Utes point guard?
That
Andrew Craig?" she squealed. "You're dating
him
?"

"Was. He's my roommates best friend,
from like, before they were born. She's fiercely loyal to him, and I hurt him,
so we're on the outs."

"Shit, girl, he's seriously hot. So
you sort of had sex, and for some reason he wasn't down with it. Why?"

"He told me he couldn't afford the
distraction. He's hoping the NBA will want him, and he just felt that if we
were doing the nasty, he'd have his mind on me instead of the game, and that
scouts would pick it up and write him off. I just went along with it, because,
you know. I was crushing on Mackey."

"So what changed?"

"My roommate hooked up with someone
that night and left a message that she wouldn't be there. So, I begged him to
come up to the room, and one thing led to another. But, he didn't have a
condom, and neither did I. So, he, um, went down on me."

"Oh, my God! How was that?"

"Divine," I said, smiling as I
remembered. "But I couldn't leave him with blue balls, so I did it for
him, too."

"Girl, you are not the innocent angel
you appear to be! Did he come?"

"Yes, and then he told me he loved me.
I freaked out. Made him get out, didn't tell him why. Until last night, he
thought it was because of, you know."

"You mean?"

"Yeah. He came in my mouth, and he
thought I was disgusted."

"You weren't?"

"No. And I don't want to say anything
more about that, please."

"Okay," she said, looking at me
dubiously. "Couldn't you just tell him it was okay?"

"Well, I did. But, Ali, I felt so bad,
letting him think I felt the same way about him as he did about me, when all
the time he loved me. I mean, I don't love him. I was just hoping to have a
fuck buddy to help me forget about Justin, only it didn't work out that way,
and we got to be friends. At least, I thought we were friends. Shit, it's such
a mess!"

"Yeah, I can see that. So what's this
about Mackey and a booty call?"

"Oh, yeah. Well, that was just stupid.
He caught me in here and made himself at home at my table, and we bantered back
and forth a little. Long story short, I agreed to go to dinner with him again,
but told him I wouldn't go home with him. So, he took me to Snowbird for
dinner." I stopped, thinking she'd get it.

"So?"

"Did I fail to mention that this was
day before yesterday?"

"Oh, shit, that avalanche closed the
road. You were stuck up there?"

"Yeah, and the only room available had
a king-sized bed, so we had to sleep together. One thing led to another…"

"Girl, this one thing leading to
another happens to you way too often."

"I
know
," I wailed.

"So what are you going to do
now?" she asked.

"Swear off men?" I asked.

"Nah, I don't think that's going to
work. You like 'em too much," she observed, with no malice intended.
"You're going to have to play the field. Date other guys. Don't tell me no
one hits on you, you're gorgeous."

"No, they do, but I've just never been
interested."

"Well, get interested. Just don't get
serious. Go out with anyone that asks you, sleep with whoever you want to and
try to forget all this heavy stuff. You're what, eighteen? No need to settle
down with one guy yet."

"Nineteen," I corrected her
automatically. I'd turned nineteen in the fall, but hadn't said anything so
there was no fanfare. "You can't seriously be telling me to sleep around.
Wouldn't that make me easy or something?"

"Old-fashioned concept. But suit
yourself. If you don't want to, don't. If you do, do. Carry condoms in your
purse, for heaven's sake."

"No worries. After Valentine's Day, I
bought a box and stuffed some in my purse."

"Too bad you didn't think about it
beforehand. Hey, want to catch a movie tonight?"

"I'd be up for a matinee. I can't go
back to the dorm until I'm sure Ri is finished moving out."

"Let's go, then!" At least I
still had Alicia, and she was a little older. I figured I had some growing-up
to do; maybe she could help me keep my head on straight.

After my afternoon with Alicia, I felt a
little better. I did have one friend, still, and we were getting to be better
friends. That was good, I thought. I wasn’t so dependent on Rihanna anymore, at
least.

I sent Ri a text in the evening saying I
was sorry she'd decided to move out, and she'd be welcome back if she changed
her mind, and wished her a good week. She didn't answer.

A false spring took over that next week,
almost balmy weather for February, melting the remaining snow from last
Friday's storm, and coaxing the hyacinths into blooming. The campus gardeners
were busy planting pansies, birds were singing, and the world felt fresh and
new, putting me in a better mood than I'd been in since my California trip.

I put on a spring dress and sweater, since
it was still a little cool, just warm for February. My smile and the spring in
my step must have been noticeable, or maybe the boys had spring fever, too.
After my first class, a boy I'd been talking to all semester shyly asked if I'd
go out with him. Remembering Alicia's advice, I accepted, and we agreed to meet
for pizza that evening. It briefly crossed my mind that I might run into Ri or
one of her peeps at The Pie, but I decided I couldn't avoid all my favorite
places just because they were also Ri's favorites. She'd just have to deal with
it. On the other hand, maybe I would.

Cam was the first boy to ask me out, but
since it had happened within hours of Alicia's dictum, I figured there'd be
more. That meant there was no pressure; I could just be myself. We laughed,
talked about class and explored whether we had any interests in common. It
turned out the main one was that he was an avid basketball fan. Go figure.

Somehow, I managed to hold my own in the
conversation that followed, which featured heavy speculation whether Andrew
Craig would be back next year or whether he'd take the opportunity if pro
scouts approached him to enter the draft. I had to pretend I didn't know the
answer already. He would.

Tuesday was no different, except that it
was a different boy. I demurred when he asked me to get a pizza with him. Ri
might be able to live on the stuff, but I couldn't. I was craving some real
food. We settled on an Italian restaurant, where he could get a pizza and I
could get salad and pasta. This boy was from my English Lit class, so we had
plenty to talk about. Afterward, he walked me to the dorm and made a move to
kiss me. Holding him back with one hand, I shook my head.

"Too soon," I explained. He
shrugged and left without making plans to see me again.

By Friday, I'd had five dates with five
different boys, and it was always the same. They bought me dinner, they talked
some, and they walked me home to the dorm and made a move. On Friday, it became
a wrestling match as the guy I was with insisted on kissing me despite my
objection. I fought him to a standstill, but he kept his arms around me as he
sneered.

"Too good for me, huh? You put out to
the rest, what's wrong with me?"

"What?" I gasped, unable to
believe my ears. "What are you talking about?"

"Jesus, Janey, don't play dumb with
me. Everybody knows you were doing it with Mackey, why do you think you're
getting so much attention? I talked to Cam after he went out with you. He says
you're a pretty good lay. How about showing me some of that, huh?"

I was speechless. My fling with Justin, the
part that was public knowledge at least, was months old. Why was I suddenly a
target, and why would Cam have lied about me? One thing was certain, my
acceptance of dates with different boys every night had backfired, big time. I
didn't expect the current date to believe me, but I had to try.

"That's a lie. I haven't 'put out' as
you so crudely described it, to anyone. Get your hands off me before I
scream."

"That's your story, is it? Well, have
it your way. But, you can't deny you were getting it on with Mackey. You were
seen."

Despite my fury, I had to know what he was
talking about. "Seen? When? Where?"

"Last Friday, at Snowbird. Me and my
buddies were up there for the weekend. We saw you come out of the room with him
that morning."

That, I couldn't deny. It was all the more
infuriating that I hadn't gone there of my own free will but had allowed Justin
sexual liberties anyway. I couldn't, wouldn't explain it to this jerk, and
saying nothing would probably give him license to lie about me as well. The
only thing I could do, once I extricated myself from his arms, was stay silent
and follow my first plan; swear off men. They were nothing but trouble, either
pigs or too vulnerable. I was done.

You'd think that in a student body of
almost twenty-five thousand, there would be some privacy; that only a handful
of people would know you or care what you did. I discovered the following week,
though, that it was like any small town. People I didn't even know dropped
their heads together and started whispering when I passed. Boys sent catcalls
my way. Girls looked at me with disgust, envy or laughter, depending on how
they felt about my behavior. With just this week to go before Spring Break, I
put my head down and tried to ignore it all.

Alicia was contrite at our morning coffee
klatch. "I can't believe this! Why are you a target? No one cares, or they
shouldn't!"

"I don't know, Ali, but I'm just going
to get through it. Everyone will go on Spring Break, and when we get back,
they'll have forgotten about it."

"I hope so," she said.

At noon, she was back with news, indignant.
"I found out what's going on. Did you know your ex-roommate is busy
spreading all sorts of rumors about you? She's told people about your affair
with Mackey, and she's making up these really wild tales. Like, you have a
baby, and you were part of a polygamist cult."

My stomach dropped and I literally felt the
blood drain from my face. Staring at Alicia, I started to shake, and that's
when she noticed.

"Janey, what is it? You look like
you've seen a ghost. Oh, my God, your lips are turning blue! Say
something!" Alicia got up and took me by the upper arms to shake me, but
everything was fading. The last thing I saw was her face, her mouth a perfect
O. Then the world went away.

~~~

When I came back to myself, I didn't know
where I was. I was lying in a narrow bed, with an antiseptic smell all around
me, in a room brightly lit with white light. For a moment, I tried to puzzle
out what had happened, and the memory of Alicia's frightened face came back to
me. I'd fainted! What in the world…wait. Now I remembered. Alicia was telling
me that Ri had betrayed my confidences. My secrets were being gossiped about
all over campus. My worst nightmare, come true.

What was I going to do? Go back to the
ranch and refuse to come back? I started shaking again and tears formed in my
eyes. A few minutes later, a nurse came to check on me. "Well, young lady,
you gave your friend quite a scare. Do you know why you passed out?"

I nodded. "I had a shock," I
said, shocked again at how weak my voice sounded. I tried again. "My
friend told me something that shocked me," I clarified. My voice sounded
stronger and I was pleased.

"Are you sure you aren't
pregnant?" she said. Where had that come from?

"Reasonably sure. Why?" I asked.

"The majority of cases that come in
here like you did are pregnant. We need to give you a test."

"I'm not pregnant. It's
impossible."

"You'd be surprised how many pregnant
women say that. Let's just make sure, shall we?"

"Fine," I snapped, defeated.

Fifteen minutes later, with a negative
pregnancy test behind me and Alicia, who'd waited for me for over two hours,
beside me, I strode out of the student health center more angry than I'd ever
been in my life. I stopped abruptly. Alicia deserved the truth; she was a
better friend than I'd been.

"Alicia, those weren't lies. I have a
three-year-old daughter, named Grace. I love her with all my heart, but she is
the daughter of the deposed Prophet of the Reformed Apostles of the Latter Day
Saints. Do you know who they are?"

Alicia's blue eyes nearly popping out of
her white face, she stammered, "Th-the polygamist cult?"

"Yes. I grew up in it; I don't belong
to them anymore. I'm done trying to be someone I'm not, or trying not to be
someone I am. I was
fifteen
when I was married against my will to that
spawn of the devil. I'm a
victim
, not a willing participant. That ends
today. I refuse to live my life as a victim. The next time you hear that rumor,
send them to me."

"Oh, okay," she said, suddenly
seeming younger than I, not older. It was as if a switch had been turned on in
my head. I was no longer someone who relied on other people to teach me how to
act, how to dress, how to talk. I was a mother, a college student and a
nineteen-year-old, in that order. Motherhood trumped everything; I was more
mature than most of my classmates, because I was responsible for a little girl
who depended on me for everything. Well, truthfully, she was dependent on Russ,
but that's why I was here; to learn to do something that would support her. Not
teenaged shenanigans, not sex, not friends, basketball or anything else. To
learn. Period.

"I'm starved," I complained.
"Didn't we eat?"

"No," Ali responded. "You
fainted, remember?"

"I owe you lunch," I smiled.
"Let's go get it."