Pitcher's Baby (12 page)

Chapter
Twenty- Three

Charlee

Twenty minutes later, Ashlin and I are
pulling up at my house. I turn in the driveway, and all of sudden, I am
overcome with this overwhelming desire to run the other way. I can't even begin
to try to explain it. I have always been one to follow my instincts. Hell, they
had saved my life several times in the past, and right now, they were screaming
at me, drowning out everything else. And then, as quickly as they came, they
disappeared.

“Charlee?” Ash asks curiously.

“Huh? Yea, I'm coming.”

I shake off the crazy sense of doom and
walk in the house, calling out to my Aaron to let him know I’m home.

“Charlee? Come here for a minute,” he
calls from the kitchen, and I swap directions and head that way instead of down
the hallway to my bedroom.

As soon as I round the corner, my world
falls in upon itself, and I immediately realize the feelings from earlier were
correct. I should have run in the other direction. I should have left home,
fled the state. Anything would have been better than standing here in my own
house, the one place I was supposed to feel safe, staring into the tear-filled
eyes of my mother. The last person I ever wanted to see again. The one human
being who singlehandedly ruined me and made me the shadow of the being I am
now.

“What the fuck, Aaron? What is she doing
here?” My voice echoes off the walls of the kitchen. Everyone turns to look at
me. Shock is evident in both Aaron’s and Ashlin’s expressions, but all I see is
the pitiful look of forced guilt on my mother’s face. I have seen this same
look on her face so many times in the past, and it doesn’t faze me at all now.
What does faze me is the fact that she is my house.

In my kitchen.

Drinking out of my favorite glass.

Ok, that last one is a lie, but who cares?
What the fuck is she doing here?

I don't realize I spoke out loud until I see
her flinch, and I almost feel bad.

Almost
being the
imperative word there.

Fuck her.

She ruined my life.

I turn on my heel and storm out of the
kitchen. Down the hall in my room, I lay Everly in the center of my bed, and
then I grab whatever I can get my hands on and shove it into a bag. Ashlin is
there, staring at me, probably wondering what the hell is going on, but she
doesn't ask, and I love her for that. I toss her my bag and walk across the
room to the bathroom and pack my toothbrush and makeup, and then I walk out the
door, slamming it behind me.

Ashlin has Everly’s things packed in the
bag, so after grabbing a change of clothes for myself, I pick my daughter up
off the bed and walk out of the room, slamming this door behind me too, only to
open the door right back up and grab the stack of letters from under my
mattress. I shove them into my overnight bag, and then I slam the door again, harder
this time, and walk down the hall and out the front door. Ashlin follows behind
me as I climb into the car and drive down the street to her house.

“I’m staying here for a while.” I don't
ask for permission. I know I don't need to, and right now, I just can't. My
body is shaking uncontrollably, and the adrenaline flowing through it is
starting to wane. I feel the betrayal from my father hitting me all at once,
and I choke, swallowing a sob.

“How the fuck could he do that to me?” I
ask no one in particular, climbing out of the car. I fall to my knees.

“How? I just don't get it. He knows, Ash.
He knows what she did.” I can't keep the tears in anymore. They are falling
from my eyes so fast, I couldn't catch them if I wanted to.

I don't.

“I hate him. I hate her. I them both. I
HATE THEM! HATE THEM!”

I'm screaming at the top of my lungs now,
and I can't stop. My world in closing in around me, and I can't stop it.
Everything around me fades until all I can see is a tiny spot right in front of
me. My vision narrows, like I'm looking through a tiny peephole. Spots dance
across my eyes. My heart is beating erratically. I feel it pounding in my chest
like a sledge hammer, trying to break through the walls I have built around it.

I'm ten years old again and locked in a
closet at Granny T’s while my mom and Frank have their friends over. The music is
blaring throughout the night, the only thing I can hear until the fighting
begins. I grab Matt, my baby brother, and pull him to my lap and cover his ears
with my palms. I don't want him to hear this. I hate that his precious
six-year-old ears are subjected to this over and over, but I don’t know how to
make it stop.

I don’t know how to get us out of this.

Even if I find a way home, he will be
stuck here with her, afraid and alone. I want to take him back with me, but
even I know that isn’t possible. He will end up with his father . . . Frank. It
could be worse. He could be stuck with her forever.

Maybe he will get lucky and be left here
with Granny T again. Anything is better than being stuck with the woman we
share as a mom.

The noise keeps getting louder and louder.
I press my hands against his ears, hoping and praying that nothing makes it
past my thin blockade. I wish I could block it out too. Something crashes to
the floor, followed by more screaming and cursing. I want it to stop. I hate
her so damn much.

Someone is shaking. I look up, expecting
to see her again, but all I see is a house. A bright yellow house with forest
green shutters and an American flag whipping through the air at the front door.
Ashlin’s house. Ashlin. She is shaking me, yelling at me. I can't hear her.

I'm still screaming. I want to be
screaming at
them
. I want them to both see what their SHITTY ASS
decisions did to me.

“Is this what they wanted?” I'm shaking
Ashlin back now, yelling at her.

“To see me break?” I demand.

“Don't they know I am already
BROKEN
?”
My voice cracks against the strain I’ve put on it.

“I have been. Since the very first day I
laid eyes on
HER.”

“Charlee. Charlee, sweetie. I don’t
understand what’s going on.”

Of course she doesn't, because I never
told her. I kept it all to myself, believing it was in the past . . . where she
should have stayed.

“Charlee, breathe, babe. Ya gotta take a
breath, Charlee.”

I don't understand what she is saying. I
hear her words. I piece the words together in my mind, but I don't know how to
do what she is asking. I can't breathe. All my air was sucked out of me the
moment I laid eyes on her again. Ashlin is hitting me on the back and yelling
in my face. I hear Everly screaming from a short distance away, and I try to
pull myself back, to swallow the pain back down and cover it with the hatch
once again, but I can’t. It’s burst free, spilling from me.

“Breathe, CHARLEE!”

“BREATHE!”

Ashlin is in my face now. Tears are
streaming down her face, and in her arms she holds Everly, who is still crying,
red-faced and furious. That’s what breaks through to me. I don't want to hurt
my baby. I never want to hurt her. I hurt enough for the both of us.

I
gasp,
sucking in a lungful of
air.

And then I breathe in another mouthful of
air. My lungs are screaming at me now, but at least Ashlin has stopped
screaming. I don't like her yelling at me. It hurts. I hold out my arms, and
she passes me my baby, who quiets as soon as I touch her.

“My God, Charlee. You scared the shit out
of me.”

My heart breaks. Right there in the middle
of her front yard. It shatters in my chest and I fall apart.

Thirteen Years Earlier . . .

We are driving to the airport. I know this,
because Wendy told me so. I have a small suitcase packed with the clothes that
Wendy and Mike bought for me over the last few weeks. Wendy is crying. She
hasn't stopped since she talked to my daddy. I don't cry. I don't know how. I
wish I could, though. I wish I could take all of Wendy’s tears away. I don't
like her hurting. It makes my chest hurt.

I changed my mind.

I don't want to go.

I'll stay, if it will make you feel happy
again, Wendy. I’d stay for you if I could.

We are pulling up now, and Mike is
grabbing my suitcase while Wendy takes my hand. We walk to the front desk, and
Mike says something to the lady behind the counter. She is sweet. Her smile is
pretty. She tells me her name is Cassandra, and she is going to take me to the
plane.

I don't want to go.

I'm so scared.

I hold tight to Wendy’s hand, and I beg
her to go with me. She starts crying even harder. I don't want to see her cry.
It makes my chest hurt deep inside. I want to make Wendy happy again, but I
don't know how.

Cassandra says Wendy and Mike can come to
the plane with me, and Wendy smiles and says thank you. Mike wraps his arms
around her shoulders and mine when she picks me up. Wendy's arms feel like home
to me right now.

I want to stay home.

We walk through a machine that beeps if
you have metal on you. I have to put my St. Christopher's coin in a bucket
before I pass through it, and then I get to pick it back up on the other side.
Wendy and Mike empty their pockets and pass through too. We are almost to the
plane, Cassandra says. I don't want to go to the plane. My belly feels like
something is wiggling inside of it, and it's bubbling up in my throat. I almost
feel like I’m going to be sick, but it's a different sick. I don't like it.

“Would you like a snack from the gift shop
before you go on?” Cassandra asks me. I like her. She’s really sweet to me. I get
a bag of M&M’s and an apple juice. When we leave the gift store, Cassandra
bends down. She has a pink bag in her hand. I like pink, but I wish the bag
were blue. Blue is my favorite color.

She reaches in the bag and pulls out a
white polar bear. She tells me he is on his way to Alabama, and that he is
scared to fly all alone. She asks me if I’m scared.

“No,” I tell her, even though I’m
terrified.

I don't want to go.

I want to stay here, with Wendy.

“That's really good news, Charlee. Do you
think since you're not scared that you could keep Po company on the plane ride?
So that he isn't scared?”

I know Po isn’t scared. He's a stuffed
animal, and stuffed animals don't get scared, but I don't say that, because I
really do like Po, and I want to take him to Alabama with me.

“Yes.”

“Thank you, Charlee. It makes me happy to
know he will be taken care of. You will take care of him, won't you, Charlee?”

“Yes.”

Cassandra introduces us to Gail. Gail is
my flight attendant. She’s going to stay with me during the whole flight in
case I need anything. I can't think of anything I would need on the plane, but
I nod okay anyway. Gail pins a gold set of wings to my shirt. She says it's so
that the other attendants will know I’m flying alone.

All alone.

I don't want to go.

It's time to go. I feel my throat burning,
and I think I’m about to cry, but nothing comes. Then, Wendy hugs me and tells
me she loves me and that she will never forget me.

“Always and forever, Charlee. I will love
you always and forever, my baby girl.”

“I don't want to go, Wendy. Please don't
make me go. I can stay with you and Mike. Please, Wendy. Please!”

My words break her. I watch as she
crumbles to the floor in the middle of the airport. She doesn't want me to go
either.

“Charlee, baby! I'm so sorry. I'm so so
sorry, Charlee,” she cries. Everyone around us is looking, but I don't care. I
don't see them. All I hear are her words over and over. I'm sorry, Charlee.

Wendy doesn't want me either.

No one wants you, Charlee.

It's time to go.

I turn and take Gail's hand and disappear
down the walkway that leads to the plane. Something is dripping. I think it’s
my heart. It feels like it's my heart . . . breaking into millions of tiny
little pieces and falling to the ground around me. It's wet, and it's falling
down my cheek.

Falling...

Falling...

Falling...

Tears.

I'm drowning in them now, but it's too
late.

It's always too late.

“I'm so sorry, Ash.”