Pigeon English (2 page)

Manik’s papa walks to school with him every day. He has to guard Manik from the robbers. Manik had his trainers stolen one time. One of the Dell Farm Crew stole them. When they didn’t fit they put them up a tree. Manik couldn’t get them down again because he’s too fat to climb the tree.

Manik’s papa: ‘Let them try it again. It’ll be a different story next time, little bastards.’

Manik’s papa’s quite hutious. He’s always red-eyes. He knows swordfighting. Asweh, I’m glad I’m not Manik’s enemy! Manik’s papa put my tie on for me and made the knot. He showed me how to take the tie off without untying it. You just make a hole big enough to get your head through then you take the tie off over your head. That way you don’t have to tie the tie every day. It even works. Now I’ll never have to tie my tie my whole life. I beat the tie at his own game!

There’s no songs in my new school. The best bit about my old school was when Kofi Allotey made up his own words:

Kofi Allotey: ‘
Before our Father’s throne

We pour our ardent prayers.

Please don’t burn me on the stove

Or push me down the stairs.’

Asweh, he caught so many blows we called it the Kofi Stick!

At first me and Lydia stayed together at breaktime. Now we stay with our friends. If we see each other we have to pretend we don’t know each other. The first one to say hello is the loser. At breaktime I just play suicide bomber or zombies. Suicide bomber is when you run at the other person and crash them as hard as you can. If the other person falls over you get a hundred points. If they just move but don’t fall over it’s ten points. One person is always the lookout because suicide bomber is banned. If the teacher catches you playing you’ll get a detention.

Zombies is just acting like a zombie. You get extra points for accuracy.

When you’re not playing games you can swap things instead. The most wanted things to swap are football stickers and sweets but you can swap anything if somebody wants it. Chevon Brown and Saleem Khan swapped watches. Saleem Khan’s watch tells the time on the moon, but Chevon Brown’s is chunkier and it’s made of real titanium. They’re both bo-styles. Everybody was happy with the deal but then Saleem Khan wanted to swap back.

Saleem Khan: ‘I changed my mind, that’s all.’

Chevon Brown: ‘But we shook on it, man.’

Saleem Khan: ‘I had my fingers crossed, innit.’

Chevon Brown: ‘Pussy clart. Two punches.’

Saleem Khan: ‘No, man. One.’

Chevon Brown: ‘On the head though.’

Saleem Khan: ‘The shoulder, the shoulder.’

Chevon Brown: ‘Rarse.’

Chevon Brown punched Saleem Khan proper hard and gave him a dead arm. It was his fault for going back on the deal. He was only scared for if his mamma got red-eyes.

I don’t have a watch yet, I don’t even need one. The bell tells you where to be and there’s a clock in the classroom. When you’re outside school you don’t need to know the hour, your belly tells you when it’s chop time. You just go home when you’re hungry enough, that way you never forget.

I was the dead boy. X-Fire was teaching us about chooking. He didn’t use a real knife, just his fingers. They still felt quite sharp. X-Fire says when you chook somebody you have to do it proper quick because you feel it as well.

X-Fire: ‘When the knife goes in them you can feel where it hits. If it hits a bone or something it feels disgusting, man. You’re best going for somewhere soft like the belly so it goes in nice and easy, then you don’t feel nothing. The first time I shanked someone was the worst, man. All his guts fell out. It was well sick. I didn’t know where to aim yet, I got him too low down, innit. That’s why I go for the side now, near the love handles. Then you don’t get no nasty stuff falling out.’

Dizzy: ‘The first time I shanked someone the blade got stuck. I hit a rib or something. I had to pull like f— to get it out. I was like, give me my blade back, bitch!’

Clipz: ‘Innit. You just wanna stick him and get the f—outta there. No messing around.’

Killa didn’t join in. He was just quiet. Maybe he hasn’t chooked anybody yet. Or maybe he’s chooked so many people that he’s bored by now. That must be why he’s called Killa.

I was the dead boy because X-Fire picked me. I just had to stand still. X-Fire didn’t like it when I moved. He kept pulling me. I felt quite sick but I had to keep listening. I even wanted to listen. It was like when I first tasted mushy peas: it was disgusting but I had to finish it because wasting food is a sin.

I could still feel his fingers in my ribs even after he was gone. It felt very crazy. X-Fire’s breath smells like cigarettes and chocolate milk. I wasn’t even scared.

We always go to the market on Saturday. It’s all outside so you get proper cold waiting for Mamma to pay, you have to keep your mouth closed to stop your teeth escaping. It’s only even worth it for all the dope-fine things you can look at like a remote-control car or a samurai sword (it’s only made from wood but it’s still proper hutious. If I had the means I’d buy it like that, I’d use it to chase the invaders away).

My favourite shop is the sweets shop. It sells every kind of Haribo you can think of. It’s my ambition to try every style there is. So far I’ve tried about half. Haribo comes in a million different shapes. Whatever there is in the world, there’s a chewy Haribo version of it. Asweh, it’s true. They make cola bottles, worms, milkshakes, teddy bears, crocodiles, fried eggs, dummies, fangs, cherries, frogs, and millions more. Cola bottles are the best.

I only don’t like the jelly babies. They’re cruel. Mamma has seen a dead baby for real. She sees them every day at work. I never buy the jelly babies for if it would remind her.

Mamma was looking all over for a pigeon net. I said a prayer to myself that she never found one.

Me: ‘It’s not fair. Just because Lydia’s scared of them.’

Lydia: ‘Gowayou! I’m not scared!’

Mamma: ‘We can’t have pigeons flying in the house all the time, it’s dirty, they’ll mess everywhere.’

Me: ‘It was only one time. He was hungry, that’s all.’

Mamma: ‘Don’t make squeeze-eyes at me, Harrison, I’m not arguing with you.’

Some people put nets over their balcony to stop the pigeons getting in. I don’t even agree with it, they’re not hurting anybody. I want my pigeon to come back. I even hid some fufu flour in my pant drawer specially for him. I don’t want to eat him, I want to make him tame so he’ll go on my shoulder. In the end my prayer was answered: they don’t even sell pigeon nets at the market. Asweh, it was a mighty relief!

Me: ‘Don’t worry. If he comes back I’ll tell him to find another home.’

Mamma: ‘Don’t put any more food out for it. Don’t think I haven’t seen the flour all over the balcony, I’m not stupid.’

Me: ‘I won’t!’

I hate it when Mamma reads my mind! From today onward going I’ll just wait till she’s asleep.

I pretended like I didn’t see when Jordan stole the lady’s phone. I didn’t want Mamma to think I agreed with it, she already hates Jordan because he spits on the stairs. I was at Noddy’s clothes stall. I saw the whole thing while Mamma was paying for my Chelsea shirt. It was X-Fire and Dizzy who actually got the lady’s phone. They were very tricky: they waited until she was talking, then they bumped her to make her drop the phone. They made it look like an accident. The phone fell on the ground, then Jordan came from nowhere, picked the phone up and ran off with it. He squeezed into the crowd and was gone in one second. It was like he was a ghost, he just disappeared. The lady looked around for her phone but it was already gone, there was nothing she could do. It was a clean getaway. Jordan doesn’t get paid for helping them, he just gets some cigarettes or one week of freedom where they don’t try to kill him. It’s not even a good deal. If it was me I’d want a tenner every time.

My new Chelsea shirt is a bit too scratchy. I had to put a plaster on my nipples to stop them getting rubbed off. It’s still bo-styles though. The dead boy loved Chelsea as well. He had the proper shirt with Samsung on it, even the away kit. I hope Heaven has proper goals with nets on them, then you don’t have to run miles to get the ball every time you score a goal.

There’s a million dogs around here. Asweh, there’s nearly as many dogs as people. Most of them are pit bulls because they’re the most hutious, you can use them as a weapon for if your gun ran out of bullets. Harvey’s the worst. He belongs to X-Fire. He makes him bite the swings in the playground, that’s how he keeps him extra hutious. He actually hangs off them with his teeth and swings around in the air like a crazy helicopter. Whenever I see Harvey coming I just hold my breath so he can’t smell my fear.

My favourite dog is Asbo, he’s just funny and friendly. I first met him when me and Dean Griffin were playing football on the green and a dog came and took our ball. It was Asbo. We chased him and tried to tackle him but he was too fast. He burst the ball by mistake. Now we only have my plastic ball left. It always flies away because it’s too light. It’s very vexing. I’m getting a proper ball soon, it will be made of skin so it won’t fly away.

Did you know that dogs can sneeze? Asweh, it’s true. I saw it with my own two eyes. Asbo did a big sneeze. It was a shock at first. Nobody suspected it. He did about a hundred sneezes. He couldn’t stop after the first one, it was like a machine gun. Every sneeze made a new sneeze. Even Asbo was surprised. He couldn’t stop for donkey hours.

Terry Takeaway: ‘He’s allergic to beer, innit.’

Terry Takeaway put some beer in his hand and gave it to Asbo to drink but Asbo wouldn’t drink it. He just made a sad face and turned his head away and that’s when he started sneezing. The bubbles went up his nose.

He’s called Terry Takeaway because he always takes things away. It’s just another name for a thiefman. Every time you see him he’s carrying the last thing he stole. It’s mostly DVDs or a mobile phone, they’re the easiest. He asks you if you want to buy it even if you’re just a kid and you have no means.

Terry Takeaway: ‘Wanna buy these? Proper copper, worth a bundle.’

Dean: ‘What are we gonna do with a load of copper pipes?’

Terry Takeaway: ‘I dunno. You could sell ’em.’

Dean: ‘Why don’t you sell them?’

Terry Takeaway: ‘That’s what I’m trying to do, innit.’

Dean: ‘I mean why don’t you sell them to someone who wants them?’

Terry Takeaway: ‘Alright, son, cool your boots. I was only asking.’

We weren’t even wearing boots! Asweh, Terry Takeaway is dey touch. It’s because he drinks beer for breakfast.

I love easing myself after Mamma puts bleach in the toilet. The bleach makes mighty bubbles, then it’s like easing yourself on a cloud. I save up a long one for specially. Nobody’s allowed to flush the cloud away until I’ve done my special piss on it. I pretend like I’m God easing himself on his favourite cloud. I saw on top of a cloud. It was when we were in the aeroplane. We were actually above the clouds. Do you know what’s there? Just more sky. Asweh, it’s true. Just more and more sky that never runs out. Heaven only comes after.

Mamma: ‘You can’t see Heaven until you’re ready. That’s why God hides it with the sky.’

Me: ‘But it’s still there somewhere.’

Mamma: ‘Of course!’

I wanted to see it now. I wanted to see what Grandpa Solomon was doing.

Me: ‘I bet he’s playing rock, paper, scissors with Jesus.’

Lydia: ‘I bet he’s cheating.’

Me: ‘How! It’s not even cheating!’

Lydia: ‘Advise yourself!’

Grandpa Solomon says scissors actually beats rock because in the end the rock is so tired from all the chooks that it falls apart. Anybody who says rock beats scissors is just too lazy to wait until the end. It’s the only thing I can remember him saying because he died when I was still a baby. It’s still true though. Anybody who says it’s cheating is just a fool.

Lydia thought the aeroplane was going to crash. It was on the second plane, the one from Cairo to England. We were sitting right next to the wing. You could see it wobble as you went along. I wasn’t scared. If an aeroplane crashes the best place to be is next to the wing, that’s where it’s the strongest. Even Papa said it. The wobbling’s normal.

Me: ‘Look at it! It’s wobbling even more! It’s going to fall off!’

Lydia: ‘Stop it!’

Mamma: ‘Harrison! Stop that palaver. Put your belt on.’

We didn’t even crash. I prayed for it before we left the ground.

When I came home from school there were police outside the flats. There were two police cars and a hell of cops all looking in the bushes and bins like they lost something special. One of the cops was a lady. Asweh, it felt very crazy. She even wanted to be a man. She had the same cop clothes on and everything. She was asking the kids questions, nobody could go home until they’d been interviewed. It was brutal. I think lady cops are a very good idea. They just talk to you instead of hitting you all the time.

A pisshead: ‘Do you wanna show me how them handcuffs work? I’ve been a naughty boy, I think I need a spanking.’

Lady cop: ‘Watch it!’

The lady cop just asked us about the dead boy. Did we know where he was that day and if anybody was after him. Did we see anything strange. We just said no. We didn’t know anything. We wished we knew more but there was nothing we could do.

Dean: ‘Have you got any leads?’

Me: ‘She’s not a dogcatcher!’

Dean: ‘Criminal leads, dumb-arse.’

Lady cop: ‘We’re working on it.’

Dean: ‘If we hear anything we’ll text you. What’s your number?’

Lady cop: ‘Cheeky.’

Then the cops had to go. Harvey was trying to bite the door mirror off one of the cop cars. X-Fire was even making him do it. Killa and Dizzy were cheering him on. They only split when the cops got their acid spray out and went to spray it in Harvey’s face. It only makes people go blind but it kills dogs in five seconds.

Me: ‘I saw where the dead boy got killed, the blood was everywhere.’

Dean: ‘I wish I’d seen it.’

Lydia: ‘I don’t want to see it.’