Pigeon English (7 page)

Me: 'What's insight?'

Pastor Taylor: 'It means wisdom. It is a great gift God has given us.'

Mr Tomlin is probably the wisest person I know. I have him for Science. He can make a battery out of a lemon. I'm not even bluffing, he really did it: all you do is put the penny in one end of the lemon and the nail in the other end. The acid in the lemon juice is electric. The penny and the nail are conductors. Conductors make the electricity come alive. When we connected four lemons together they made enough power for the light to come on. It was quite amazing. Everybody cheered. If Mr Tomlin worked for the police they'd catch the killer in no time.

I prayed for the insight so I'd ask the right questions. Dean doesn't believe in it so I prayed for both the two of us.

Dean: 'Can you do one for us not getting our heads kicked in?'

Me: 'We'll be alright, don't worry. They won't kill us today, they're too busy getting boozed.'

It was very risky but interviewing suspects is all part of the job. If you're going to get scared all the time then you've got no business being a detective, you should just hand in your badge and go home. The pub smelled like all the beer in the world even from outside. We tried not to breathe in for if we got boozed (Dean says it clouds your judgement). Everybody who went in or came out could be the killer. They all looked at us like a hungry vampire. We just stayed by the door. As long as we keep one foot on the pavement we're safe.

Dean: 'Who are we looking for exactly?'

Me: 'I don't know. I think he was black but I'm not sure. I only saw one hand when he bent down to get the knife. It could have been a glove. I was quite far away.'

Dean: 'Let's just start with the black ones then. What about him?'

Me: 'No, too tall. Our man was shorter.'

Dean: 'Roger that. Alright, this one?'

There was a man by the fruit machine (it doesn't actually give you fruit, it's just a game they play in the pub. You feed the machine some money and it makes all the lights flash). He didn't have any spiderwebs but he did have an earring and his eyes looked deadly like he wanted to destroy everybody. He was shaking the machine to make the lights come on and swearing. Killers always have a quick temper.

Me: 'Could be. What shall we ask him? Did you do it?'

Dean: 'Don't be a retard, you can't just ask it straight out. You have to try and trap him. Ask him if he knew the victim and just see what his eyes do. If he looks away it means he's guilty.'

Me: 'Will you ask him? I'll be backup.'

Dean: 'I'm not asking him. It was your idea, you ask him.'

Me: 'I'm not going in there. I'll wait until he comes out.'

Dean: 'I knew you'd do this. I'm not waiting here all day.'

Me: 'Go and ask him then.'

Dean: 'In a minute. Let's just see what he does first. Don't let him see you watching him, we want him to act natural.'

We got back behind the door and peeked through the glass. The killer finished his fruit machine game and bought another glass of beer. The other men drank their drinks or texted or just watched the boobs of the bar lady even if she was old and looked like a scarecrow. All the time the smell of beer was getting in our noses and making us crazy. It gave Dean ants in his pant. When the suspect came out we had to stop ourselves from running away. You can't show fear, they can smell it like a wasp.

Suspect: 'What's up lads, you looking for someone?'

Dean: 'We're just waiting for my dad.'

Suspect: 'You don't want to hang around out here, there's too many arseholes about.'

It was a trick. He was trying to get rid of us before he gave the game away. He lit a cigarette: another telltale sign!

Me: 'Did you know the boy who died?'

Suspect: 'Do what?'

Dean: 'The one who got stabbed. He was his cousin.'

Suspect: 'No, I didn't know him.'

Me: 'Do you know who did it?'

Suspect: 'I wish I did. These f—ing kids, they need drowning at birth.'

Dean: 'How do you know it was a kid who did it?'

Suspect: 'It's always kids, innit. You wanna stay away from all that shit, boys, it only ends one way. Be smart, yeah?'

Me: 'We are.'

His smoke was going in our eyes. It was another trick to make us blind so we couldn't pick any clues up. I'm telling you, they're very clever. In the end we just had to give up.

Dean: 'They're never gonna tell us nothing. As soon as they know they're being interviewed they just mug us off. We're not gonna get anywhere by asking, we have to find out for ourselves.'

Me: 'How?'

Dean: 'Surveillance and evidence, it's the only way. CSI-style, fingerprints, DNA. That shit don't lie.'

I made a thinking face like I knew what he was talking about. Dean's the brains because he's seen all the shows. I washed all the beer smell off before Mamma got home from work. She says a man who smells of beer is a mess waiting to happen.

Violence always came too easy to you, that's the problem. It always felt too good. Remember the first time you trod on an ant, and with an infant stamp made the moving still, the present past? Wasn't that a sickly sweet epiphany? Such power in your feet and at your fingertips such temptation! It would take some act of charity to give all that good stuff away. You'd need to be something greater than just another invention of a spiteful god.

Kyle Barnes stuck his compass in Manik's leg. Manik screamed like a girl even if there was no blood. Everybody laughed.

Manik: 'What did you do that for?'

Kyle Barnes: 'So you'd do that.'

Kyle Barnes chooked him again. Manik screamed again. He was like a squeaky pig. It was like the compass was a fork and Kyle Barnes was testing to see if he was done yet. Asweh, it was very funny. Kyle Barnes loves it when we have a supply teacher. Most of the time they don't even do the lesson, they just read the newspaper. That's when Kyle Barnes comes after you with the compass. You have to not get chooked but you're not allowed to get off your chair. It's proper hard. I've been chooked about three times. It doesn't really hurt, it just gives you a crazy surprise. There's never any blood.

The best weapon would be an umbrella that's really a poison gun. You think it's just an umbrella but actually it shoots poison bullets out the end. We were talking about what the best weapons are.

Kyle Barnes thinks the best weapon is an AK-47.

Dean thinks it's a knuckleduster with extra long spikes.

Chevon Brown thinks the best weapon is a crossbow. But you have to be very strong to shoot it because it's proper heavy. The arrows are called bolts. They're longer than you.

Brayden Campbell: 'You couldn't shoot a crossbow. You couldn't even pick it up.'

Chevon Brown: 'F—off, man. You couldn't even shoot an AK-47, the recoil would knock your head off.'

Brayden Campbell: 'Bullshit. I could do it one-handed.'

Me and Dean: 'My arse.'

Me and Dean: 'Jinx!'

We said jinx straight away. The curse can't even touch us.

I know nearly all the rules now. There's over one hundred. Some of them are to keep you out of danger. Some of them are just so the teachers can control you.

Some of them are so your friends know what side you're on. If you follow those rules, they'll know they can trust you and then you can roam with them. One rule is, if you and your friend say the same thing at the same time you have to say jinx or you'll be cursed. If you don't say jinx you'll shit yourself for one day after.

Some rules I have learned from my new school
No running on the stairs.
No singing in class.
Always put your hand up before you ask a question.
Don't swallow the gum or it will get stuck in your guts
and you'll die.
Jumping in the puddle means you're a retard (I don't even
agree with this one).
Going around the puddle means you're a girl.
The last one in close the door.
The first one to answer the question loves the teacher.
If a girl looks at you three times in a row it means she
loves you.
If you look at her back you love her.

He who smelt it dealt it.
He who denied it supplied it.
He who sensed it dispensed it.
He who knew it blew it.
He who noted it floated it.
He who declared it aired it.
He who spoke it broke it.
He who exposed it composed it.
He who blamed it flamed it.
(All these are just for farts.)

If you look at the back of a mirror you'll see the devil.
Don't eat the soup. The dinner ladies pissed in it.
Don't lend Ross Kelly your pen. He picks his arse klinkers
with it.
Keep to the left (everywhere). The right is out of bounds.
The library stairs are safe.
If he wears a pinky ring he's a gay (a pinky ring is a ring
on your little finger).
If she wears a bracelet on her ankle she's a lesbian (shags
it up with other ladies).

There are more but my memory ran out. My arse means you don't believe it. It's just the same as calling them a liar.

X-Fire wouldn't let us past. They were waiting outside the cafeteria. They were all standing in our way and they wouldn't move. You didn't know if it was a trick or for real.

Dizzy: 'What's up, pussy boys?'

Clipz: 'I heard you failed the first test. That's weak, man!'

I wanted to be a bomb. I wanted to knock them all down. That's what it felt like. I kept waiting for him to laugh but his face was still hard like he meant it. Like we were enemies.

X-Fire: 'Don't worry, Ghana. I'll think of something easier for you next time, you'll be alright. What you got then, Ginger?'

Dean went all stiff. My belly went cold.

Dean: 'I ain't got nothing.'

Dizzy: 'Don't lie to us, man. What's in your pockets? Show me.'

We couldn't move. He had to show them or we'd never get past. It wasn't even fair.

Dean: 'I've got a quid, that's it. I need it.'

Dizzy: 'Yeah well, shit happens, innit.'

He took Dean's quid. There was nothing you could do to stop it. He was very sad, you could tell. He should have put it back in his sock after dinner. I wished I had a quid instead but Mamma only gives me the correct money and no extra.

Dean: 'F—ing hell, man.'

Dizzy: 'Don't be fronting me you little bitch, I'll batter you.'

In the end they let us past. I felt sorry for Dean for having his quid stolen but I couldn't help admiring it. I wish I could make them do what I say. If I was the big fish all the little fish would be scared of me. They'd get out of my way so I had the sea all to myself and all the food in it. I'd only let my favourite little fishes work for me, like when the pilot fish eats all the seadust off the shark to stop his gills getting blocked up (I read about it in my Creatures of the Deep book, only Iop from the market).

Me: 'It's only because I'm black. If you were black they'd let you in the gang as well.'

Dean: 'I don't wanna be in their stupid gang, all they do is rob people. Don't go with them, they're numpties.'

Me: 'I was only pretending so they wouldn't rough us too bad.'

Dean: 'I hate them, man.'

Me: 'Me too.'

Somebody left an old mattress on the green. There were a hell of smaller kids already playing on it. We told them to get off.

Dean: 'Piss off or we'll batter you!'

We let the smaller kids watch. I did about ten flips. Dean did about five. It was nearly as good as a real trampoline. I got really high. I was the only one who could nearly do a double flip. Some of the smaller kids cheered. It was brutal. We were there for donkey hours. You forgot about being hungry, you just wanted to get higher every time.

We were going to own the mattress. We were going to charge the smaller kids 5op to jump on it. It was Dean's idea.

Dean: 'We'll need some rules though. Only two people on the mattress at the same time and you have to take your shoes off.'

We were going to make a million. Then Terry Takeaway came and Asbo eased himself all over the mattress. Then you didn't want to bounce on it anymore.

Me: 'Asbo, you dirty boy! We were using that!'

Terry Takeaway: 'Sorry boys! A dog's gotta do what a dog's gotta do!'

I made the roof for Papa's shop proper strong. Papa loved it, you could tell. He said it would last longer than him and me put together. It will keep everything dry when it rains and Papa nice and cool when it's sunny. We made the roof out of chemshi and wood. Papa made the frame of wood and then we put the chemshi on top. I put the bolts on. He only helped me with the first one, I did the rest on my own. It was easy. When it rains the noise is mighty loud. It makes the rain feel even stronger. You feel safe under the chemshi. You feel strong because you made it yourself.

It took donkey hours to build the roof. When we finished, the shop looked more dope-fine than before. Me and Papa drank a whole bottle of beer to celebrate. Papa had most of it but I had one bit. I didn't get boozed, it was just lovely, it made my burps taste like burning. Mamma and Lydia and Agnes and Grandma Ama all came to greet the new shop. They loved it as much as we did, you could tell. Everybody was smiling from ear to ear.

Mamma: 'Did you make that all yourself? Clever boy.'

Me: 'Papa helped me.'

Grandma Ama: 'Was he a good worker?'

Me: 'He's a bit lazy.'

Papa: 'Eh! Gowayou!'

Me: 'I'm only joking.'

We hung a lantern from the roof so the shop can stay open at night. The lantern was Agnes's favourite bit. Babies always love things that hang or swing. They always try to touch it even if it's hot. She cried when the lantern burned her fingers. I sucked them all better again. I'm the best at sucking them better, my spit has healing in it.

Papa makes the best things. His chairs are always the softest and his tables are strong enough to stand on. He makes them all from bamboo. Even if the drawers are wood, the frame is still bamboo. Bamboo is the best material because it's very strong and light at the same time. It's easy to cut with a machete or a saw. You have to saw with care so you make a straight cut. You have to imagine everything you make is your best.