phil jones2 (33 page)

'I am The Translator. I have been designated to wish you greetings on behalf of the Voravian Empire and help facilitate negotiations.' its strange voice said, as if it were forcing sounds through its sharpened teeth that were unnatural and difficult.

'What did it say?' Darwin turned and asked Annika.

'Perhaps I was not clear enough.' the Voravian translator cut in. 'I am The Translator. I am here to greet you. I will... negotiate.'

Darwin raised an eyebrow at the creature and scratched his immaculately shaven jawline. 'What?'

The Translator let out a sound of frustration that had the crew minus Darwin instinctively take a step back. 'I will try one final time. I make words you understand. You make peace.'

The Captain frowned at the beast in confusion. 'What the devil are you talking about man?'

'Captain.' Annika interrupted, stepping forward and more addressing The Translator. 'I understood what this Voravian is trying to tell us. He says that he is their translator and that he's here to help the negotiations.'

Darwin stared at the unwanted intrusion as if he had forgotten Annika had been behind him this whole time. 'Well why didn't he just say so in the first place then?'

Somewhere in the background, Smith was suppressing a noise.

'Now that formal introductions are completed, I wish to extend a hand in friendship so that we may begin negotiations on, as you would say, the correct footing.' The Translator continued, sticking out a clawed arm with some degree of ceremony.

Staring at the arm, a grin spread across Darwin's face. 'So that's what you want, eh? Very well then!' he reached out with his own arm and grasped the Voravian's hand, much to the relief of everyone in attendance.

Only, he didn't let go.

'Quite strong for an old one, aren't you?' Darwin muttered under his breath. 'Don't go easy on me now just because I'm not some lizard.'

The Translator's eyes bulged out as the Captain proceeded to slam its arm down onto the deck plating of the ship.

'Victory!' yelled Darwin, and looked up at the twelve Voravian weapons levelled at his head. 'What? I beat him fair and square!'

The triumph in the Captain's eyes was neither mirrored by the soldiers in attendance or his crew. The Translator struggled to wrest its arm from his grip but Darwin was having none of it.

'Oh no, you're not getting away that easily. You Voravians talk big but in the end you're no stronger than we are!'

'Captain...' Annika started.

'Silence Lieutenant! Can't you see I'm in the midst of an important wrestling contest?'

The Voravian weaponry started to hum, charging up to full strength in preparation to blast Darwin into ash.

'Captain!'

Darwin looked over at her finally. 'What is so urgent Lieutenant that you need to interrupt this? Is this male bonding offending your sensibilities? At least... I think it's male. Say old chap, are you male?'

'Captain it's not a wrestling contest!' Annika cried as the weapons prepared to discharge.

'What?'

'It's a ceremonial handshake!'

Darwin blinked, and let go of the Voravian's arm, causing the weapons to power down gradually. 'Strangest handshake I've ever seen. Still, I think I showed him who was in charge!'

'Yes, Captain Darwin. Unfortunately we are all painfully aware of who is in charge.' Smith said.

'And don't you forget it!' Darwin crowed, completely misinterpreting his security officer. 'What's next on the agenda?'

Phil shook his head. 'You let this man be in charge of your entire ship? I don't feel like such a bad Captain any more.'

'He really was awful.' Annika replied, supressing a laugh. 'That's not even the worst of it, you see...'

'Well, say what you want about the Voravians, they certainly can cook!' Darwin shouted between a mouth full of food, much of which was now on the table after that sentence. 'I don't know what this is but you really should try it!'

'I'm... not hungry Captain.' RJ replied, pushing whatever it was around his plate in the hopes that it wouldn't crawl anywhere.

'I'm glad that after our initial misunderstandings that everything has been cleared up.' Darwin addressed to The Translator, who in turn gurgled at the head diplomat for the Voravian convoy.

'You humans are an... odd species.' came the translated response, to which Darwin roared with laughter.

'You see Smith?' he said between breaths. 'Nothing to worry about!'

Agent Smith gave him a tight lipped smile, but nothing further to indicate that he approved of proceedings so far.

'Whew!' Darwin finally said, slumping back in his chair with a satisfied smirk on his face. 'I'm absolutely full to the brim. When's the next course?'

The Voravians looked at the man as he adjusted his belt and gurgled quietly amongst themselves before The Translator finally spoke. 'There is no further food, you have exhausted our supplies.'

Annika translated what the translator had said, and Darwin offered an easy grin in return. 'Very well, on to proper negotiations then!' he replied, cleaning his mouth with the napkin provided.

He looked around at the assorted Voravians and then at his own crew, the silence was deafening. 'What?' he mumbled, spitting out a piece of food onto the napkin that had got lodged between his teeth.

'Er... Captain?' Annika ventured hesitantly.

'What now Lieutenant? Can't you wait until I've at least finished with this napkin?'

'Sir... it's just that...' she replied, wincing for some reason.

'Lieutenant you better tell me what's wrong now or I will be very angry.'

'That's not a napkin, sir.'

Darwin stared at the fabric he was cleaning his mouth with, and slowly traced it up to the pole that it hung from.

'That's their imperial flag, sir.'

The Captain finally relinquished his hold on the flag-turned-napkin and grinned at the assorted Voravians, who seemed less than pleased. 'Easy mistake to make, no harm no foul eh?'

Smith winced at what was meaningless gurgling to Darwin from The Translator. 'Captain... The Translator claims that your actions would be punishable by death were you a Voravian.'

'Oh come on!' Darwin cried. 'It's not like I set fire to the thing, I just thought it was a napkin!'

Smith massaged his temples slowly, struggling to come to terms with the level of stupidity on display. 'Captain...' he began, as if explaining to a child. 'If a Voravian were to desecrate the Star Command banner, what would you do?'

Darwin shot to his feet, sending dishes everywhere and causing the Voravians to shift uncomfortably. 'There's a lizard destroying a Star Command flag? Where is he?'

'Hypothetically, sir.' Annika supplied in a placating tone.

'What does medicine have to do with destroying our flag, Lieutenant?'

It was at this point that Annika decided to leave the explaining to Smith.

'Captain...' the Agent started again. 'You don't like your flag being damaged or destroyed, can you see why they wouldn't like their flag being damaged too?'

Darwin frowned, as if in great thought over the question posed. 'But Smith, this isn't my flag. Why would I care if there was a bit of food on it?'

'Because we're in a diplomatic negotiation, Captain. We want these Voravians to be our friends.'

'Oh very well then.' Darwin finally conceded. 'I can't believe they'd be so worked up over a flag, that's just silly.'

Smith suppressed a groan but said nothing further, realising this was probably as good as it got.

'The Captain wishes to express his sincere apologies for upsetting the present dignitaries.' Smith said to The Translator.

Said dignitaries grunted non-committally but didn't look on the verge of drawing weapons any time soon, it would appear that negotiations could finally begin.

'How exactly does anyone confuse a napkin for a flag? I didn't think Darwin was the napkin type.'

'He never fully explained how he managed to pull that stunt off. If I didn't know any better I'd have thought that he did it deliberately just to antagonise the Voravians. It would certainly explain what happened next.' Annika said.

'Wait... there's more?'

She shook her head. 'The worst is yet to come unfortunately. Negotiations were going well enough thanks to the combined efforts of RJ and Smith, Darwin having fallen asleep at the table. Fortunately this rude act was forgiven by the Voravians as it meant they didn't have to deal with the man any more. That was until...'

'Should we... wake him?' RJ asked.

The Translator gurgled with unsubdued laughter, his mood considerably lighter now that he no longer had to deal with Darwin. 'Can you not take his sleeping form back to your ship?'

It turned out that the Voravians weren't as different RJ had thought, simply misunderstood because of their appearance. The foundations for a lasting peace had been constructed over this productive meeting, all they needed to do was make it back to their ship and the mission would be a success.

To think, he had thought the convoy was an invasion fleet, when in truth it was the Voravians that feared reprisal from their human foes after the experiment from the Human Genome Project had seemed so anti-Voravian and cast them as a villains of the piece.

'Captain Darwin sir?' Annika said, gently prodding him. 'Captain?'

Smith shook his head. 'That's now how you wake a man like Darwin. Observe.'

The Agent motioned for the Voravians to close their ear canals and took a deep breath. 'ADMIRAL ON DECK!'

Darwin shot bolt upright, drool sticking to the table as he did so. 'What? Where? Who? Burroughs?'

Smith nodded his head at the Voravians before suggesting silently that Annika continue.

'Well done sir! Most succinctly put!' she cried, causing him to spin his head in her direction.

'What? Oh...yes, negotiations.' he took a breath and faced the Voravian delegate. 'I hope you find those terms equitable.'

'Most equitable, it has been a pleasure doing business with a man of your calibre, Captain Darwin.' The Translator replied.

'I have no idea what that gurgling lizard said, but it sounded positive to me!' the Captain replied, elbowing Smith uncomfortably in the ribs.

'Your negotiation skills continue to astound me, Captain Darwin.'

'Back to the ship we go then!'

There was much bowing and a few formal goodbyes, which featured a distinct lack of handshakes on the part of the Voravians, then they were on their way back to their vessel.

'I'm glad that's all done and dusted then.' Darwin addressed the crew as they walked through the Voravian vessel. 'It might seem very overwhelming approaching this place and dealing with these sorts, but I think they got a very good idea of what Star Command and Captain Darwin are all about.'

'That they did, sir.' RJ replied, a smile on his face.

'When you think about it, there were so many things that could have gone wrong, but I think I steadied our course and helped forge a lasting relationship with these lizard folk.' Darwin pontificated.

Smith said nothing.

The soldiers guiding them clearly didn't understand galactic basic, and The Translator purposefully ignored Darwin's words for obvious reasons. RJ just hoped they could make it to the ship without the idiot doing something cataclysmic.

'What's this over here?' Darwin asked, distracted by something at the side of the room they were passing through.

The Translator wasn't listening, and Annika didn't react in time to pose the question to him. Darwin scooped his hand into what looked like a metallic trough mounted to the wall and sniffed at the black substance seeping through his hands like a curious child before shoving it in his mouth.

'Oh my!' he exclaimed. 'You Voravians are quite the jokers, aren't you? Saying there was no dessert and then springing this upon me!' he took another scoop full of the black goop and poured it into his mouth. 'Absolutely delicious stuff this, I have to get myself a Voravian cook. Eating like this is far better than anything Star Command could come up with, what what!'

The Voravians screeched, levelling their weapons at Darwin, but Smith was quicker. He leaped into the fray and disarmed both with swift kicks.

'Captain!' Annika cried. 'That's their young!'

Darwin stared down at the dark substance that continued to trickle through his fingers. 'Young? Strange name for a dessert, then again this is a strange race altogether. What's Smith doing with those lizards? Some kind of ceremonial handshake I guess?'

'This... This is an outrage!' The Translator bellowed.

'Yes! Yes it is delicious!' Darwin yelled back at him. 'Tell him I think it's delicious, Lieutenant!'

That was when all hell broke loose.

'And that was when all hell broke loose.' Annika finished.

'He ate their children for dessert?'

She nodded sadly. 'An act of war so heinous that the Voravian Empire has demanded to crush all of Star Command in order to prevent men like Darwin from continuing to exist.'

Phil stared for a moment, taking his time in processing everything he had just heard. 'They're waging war on all of mankind based on Darwin being our representative?'

'That's right Captain.'

He rose and paced up and down his room. Loathed as he was to admit it, that motivation actually made a lot of sense.

'So shortly after, he went mental and aimed a gun at RJ's head, resulting in your ejecting him from the craft permanently, right?'

'He also shot the delegate twice in the face and called his wife as beautiful as a bowl of petunias in perfect Voravian, we're not entirely sure how he did that but we're guessing it has something to do with the eggs he had ingested.'

'That's... quite the adventure.' Phil said, continuing to wear out the deck plating in the hopes that ideas would come seeping through the surface.

'Not one that I'd like to repeat, Captain.' she said, watching his continued motions as if he were a one man tennis match. 'Is something wrong sir?'

He stopped mid stride and turned to face her. 'Do I seem less stupid to you?'