Perfectly Broken (22 page)

Then she was in his arms. He was on his back,
and pulled her onto his chest, where he wrapped her in a strong
embrace. The heat of his erection pressed against her belly, and
when she moved she felt it jerk.

Sliding down between his legs, Susanna drank in
the sight of his swollen cock. Still hovering in a cloud of
ecstasy, her need rekindled at seeing his desire for her. She
fisted his shaft, squeezing just so.

She put her lips over the thick knob and sucked
gently. Tomas was panting loudly, and when Susanna sucked harder,
he groaned. He pulled her up to taste his flavor on his lips. Then
reached into the side drawer for a condom.

Rolling it on, he was ready for her. Susanna was
obsessed with having him inside her. She straddled him, and Tomas
angled his cock into her. Fiercely, she lowered over him, plunging
his heat deep. She cried out, and he moaned.

Tomas put his palms on her ass, guiding her over
him. With all control lost, Susanna pumped him. The harder and
deeper he plunged, the better it felt. She made tiny sounds in her
throat and panted in a ragged rhythm as he rocked into her.

A sheen of sweat glistened on his skin, and his
green eyes glazed over. Her breasts moved in rhythm with their
fucking, and Tomas reached up and raked his palm over her nipples.
The touch made her sex pulse hard.

In response, Tomas yelled out. His cock
convulsed inside her, throwing her into a powerful orgasm. As his
release ripped through him, Tomas thrust his hips up and buried his
cock into her as far as it would go.

Together they came and were propelled into a
surreal state. Susanna was a part of him, and Tomas was melded to
her. There was no separation, no distance, and no isolation. For
the first time, Susanna did not feel alone. They were one.

She collapsed over him and he wrapped his arms
around her, unable to catch his breath. His heart beat with
ferocity in his chest; she could feel it pounding away. A peaceful
feeling settled over her, and Susanna rested against him. She was
calm and satisfied.

Tomas stroked her hair and let his fingertips
slide along her spine. Then he gripped her ass possessively, making
her want to stay with him, and rousing a deep need. One that
Susanna hadn’t known existed before. But now she did. What had
happened could not be undone. She had crossed a line in the fervor
of passion, and it was impossible to go back.

* * * * *

The magic of the moment protected her. Susanna’s
body hummed with pleasure, and with his arms around her, Tomas made
her feel secure. He made her feel many things, and he made her feel
more than she was accustomed to. Things she knew she couldn’t get
enough of.

But edging into her consciousness was the
knowledge that reality waited outside the castle walls. The evening
had been unforgettable, and the need to be with Tomas was
overpowering. She pushed other thoughts away. But she couldn’t keep
away the dread that all she had, she would lose.

She slept well, but woke early. For a while,
Susanna listened to his steady breathing. She liked it when Tomas
had his arms around her, a little too much. Quietly, she slipped
out of bed and crept into the kitchen area to make coffee.

The aroma wafted through the sanctity of the
lovely hotel room. Susanna spotted a box of chocolates and a bottle
of champagne in a bucket. The ice had melted. It must have been
waiting for them in their room, but in the heat of passion neither
of them had noticed.

She opened the box and popped a dark chocolate
in her mouth, then went to see if the coffee was ready. After
filling a cup, she returned to sit in one of the richly padded
chairs. The red décor was sensual and intimate. It made her want to
stay there for a long time and hide away, especially with
Tomas.

He looked so handsome sleeping with one arm out.
Susanna admired his strong bicep, remembering how it felt when he
held her. Looking at his goatee, she felt the urge to touch it and
to feel his warm lips against hers. Still glowing from the night
before, she sipped her coffee and delighted in watching Tomas in
his peaceful sleep.

Stirring, he reached out to her side of the bed,
and his eyes opened. She detected a note of panic in his
expression. But when he looked up and saw her sitting there, he
smiled. “I thought you left.”

She went over to sit on the bed beside him, and
touched his cheek. “Just for coffee. Do you want some?”

Tomas turned onto his back. “I know what I want
more.”

A tingle radiated through her. That was what she
wanted too. Susanna put her cup on the nightstand and opened her
robe. Seeing the look of lust in his eyes, she dropped it to the
floor and got back in bed with him.

As commanding and fierce as Tomas could be in
lovemaking, he could also be tender and sweet. That Sunday morning,
that was how he pleasured her. It was slow, sweet, and sensual. He
took his time, gradually bringing her to a crescendo of
pleasure.

It was dreamy and delicious. They made love
leisurely. It was touching and intimate. Yet something bothered
her. Susanna wished she could give herself over to him, and let go
of her misgivings. But her mind wouldn’t shut up. Unwelcome
thoughts pushed to the surface.

After the romantic interlude, they showered
together, enjoying each other’s nakedness. With the warm water
running over them, Tomas held her face in his palms. He kissed
her.

“What is it, baby? You look like you’re thinking
about something.”

She put her hands over his. “I’m sorry. I don’t
want to ruin anything.”

His eyes softened. “You couldn’t. Being with you
makes me happy. Aren’t you happy?”

His question struck a chord. That was part of
it; Susanna did feel good when she was with Tomas. Very good. But
it was temporary. They couldn’t live life on some romantic getaway.
And inside, the deep grief that haunted her was still there.
Waiting to surface. Itching to take over.

If only she could be like Tomas, able to be in
the moment, and confident in the future. Yet she wasn’t. And no
matter that she wished it were different, it didn’t seem to change.
She looked into his sexy green eyes and felt so bad that she
couldn’t be what he wanted. Couldn’t be the woman that would bring
joy to his life.

“I’m happy when I’m with you,” she said.

It was the best answer she could give. Susanna
didn’t want to destroy the mood. They had a few hours left before
heading back to Dublin. She preferred to ignore what would happen
when they returned and just savor her time with Tomas.

They had breakfast downstairs in a café-style
restaurant with red chandeliers, stylish glassware, and oversized
sofas. The coffee and scones with clotted cream were delicious.
They chatted while they ate, and it was very pleasant. She tried to
allow the relaxed atmosphere to absorb her thoughts.

But Susanna couldn’t shake a feeling of
impending doom. Maybe it was just her morbid personality, or the
depression she was so used to edging into her consciousness. Though
she tried to brush it aside, the dark cloud persisted, and Tomas
noticed. Susanna knew him well enough to read his expression.

They finished their breakfast and went outdoors
to walk the grounds. The gray stone castle looked as magnificent in
daylight as it had in the dark of night. It was massive and solid,
surrounded by grassy areas. Along the walkways were gas lamps, in
keeping with the period.

Sections of the walls were thickly covered in
ivy. And on another wall were two old-world-style tapestries
hanging from an upper story all the way to the ground. Along the
driveway were lush beech trees, old and impressive. The castle
property was surrounded by deep green forest.

Holding her hand, Tomas led her around the
grounds. It was chilly, but the brisk air was refreshing. They
walked for a while then he stopped in a secluded area and took her
in his arms. “Are you okay? You seem distant.”

Susanna’s heart ached. She wanted to tell him
something good, or say that everything was all right. But that
would be a lie. And, looking into his green eyes and seeing his
sincere concern, she couldn’t fake it.

She spoke softly. “Our date
was…unforgettable.”

He frowned. “Did I go too far?”

She smiled. All he had done was make her crave
more of the kind of sex she could only get from him. “No. You
didn’t go too far.”

He furrowed his brow. “What, then?”

Susanna shook her head. “I can’t explain it,
Tomas. I wish I could. You know it’s good when we are together.
But…”

He held her tighter. “What? Tell me.”

She hesitated. “I still think you are under the
delusion that I’m someone that I’m not. I have the same issues I
did, that I’ve always had. Taking me away was…well, I don’t have
words to express how good it was. And is. But it doesn’t transform
me. Do you understand?”

He gave a little shrug. “I’m trying to.”

Susanna took a deep breath before continuing.
“You are…to be honest…the hottest guy I know. Or have known.”

His eyes sparkled. “So what’s the problem?”

She looked at him and could hear the pleading
tone in her own voice when she spoke.“I’m damaged. And I don’t know
if I can be fixed. I don’t think I can. And I don’t want to drag
you down with me.”

He released her from his embrace and held her
hands. “That sounds pretty horrible. Does that mean you’ll still be
with other guys? Is that the point? That you need more than I can
give you?”

Susanna’s mood crashed; the protective bubble
she had been in burst apart. She had made him feel it was some
inadequacy he had. But then, no one understood her addiction. Nor
did she. It just
was
. And though it might destroy her life,
she couldn’t stop. Which was crazy. She knew that, and that was
what she was trying to get him to see.

And now it was worse, because she liked it when
Tomas dominated her. But she had no right to expect that, or to
take more of what he offered, when she knew it required
exclusivity. He commanded her in the bedroom, and gave her pleasure
in a way that she might never have again.

Yet she couldn’t let go of her need for sex, her
craving for it, and the way it filled the black, gaping hole inside
her. Limiting her activities to one man—just the idea of it—caused
panic. It wasn’t rational, just as alcoholism or drug addiction
weren’t rational. It was compulsive, and it meant she was weak.
She
was the one who was inadequate, not Tomas.

“Tomas, please don’t feel that way. How you…what
you do to me…is how I like it. I didn’t know that before. I didn’t
know that about myself, or what I needed. I’ve never had any man do
the things you do.”

He waited.

“And now there is nothing else that will be as
good.” She sighed. “But I know myself. I know my history. I’ve
tried to reform before. I’ll weaken. I’ll give in. Trust me, I
will.” She looked into his eyes. “I’ll disappoint you…even though I
don’t want to.”

Tomas brushed a strand of hair away from her
face. “I want you to be mine.”

She bit her lower lip. “I know you do.” A knife
stabbed into her heart. “I’m sorry.”

The look on his face was killing her. Tomas led
her back to the room, where they gathered what few things they had
brought and then left to catch the light rail. On the way home, he
was silent, and Susanna was at a loss about what to say.

What could she say? Lie to him. Tell him it was
okay. That she would be his. Susanna wanted nothing more. But he
deserved better than to be misled. Instead, she mustered what
little emotional strength she had and kept quiet. He held her hand,
but didn’t ask for more answers.

At the door to her apartment, Tomas held her in
his arms. She had expected him to rebuff her, even chastise her for
her weaknesses. But he didn’t. It almost would have been better if
he had, because she felt so terrible for making him sad.

He kissed her tenderly. “But you’ll see me
again?”

“I don’t know if that’s a good idea,” she
said.

“I do.” He held her gaze.

Susanna sighed. “You are a hard man to argue
with.”

He smiled.

She sighed. “And the past few weeks of not being
with you were so hard. It’s selfish of me to keep seeing you when I
know I’m not right for you.”

He ran his fingertip along her jaw. “I’ll be the
judge of that.”

Tomas kissed her again then stood mute, while
she went through the front door and closed it behind her. The void
inside her ached. Susanna wanted to turn and rush into his arms,
tell him not to go. But she closed her eyes and leaned against the
wall until she was sure he’d left.

The time away with Tomas had touched her deeply,
and stirred sexual need that begged to be satisfied. But the
relationship was doomed. It had been from the start. She should
have never connected with him in the first place. If only she’d
known.

Yet she couldn’t regret it. Not completely.
Imagining life without ever meeting Tomas, without experiencing his
kindness or his sexual dominance, was depressing. More depressing
than her life usually was.

Susanna was lost, confused, and afraid. Her need
for Tomas frightened her. It had gone too far already. What if he
left her? What if she never saw him again? That was why she
couldn’t let go, couldn’t admit what she truly felt for him. Once
she was his, if she could be, then she would have everything to
lose.

Maybe she already did.

Being alone in her apartment in her current
frame of mind wasn’t good idea. So she texted Rowan, and was
relieved to find he was free for the afternoon. Susanna told him to
come by as soon as he could, then went up to her apartment to
shower and change.

Her roommates were gone, so she had the place to
herself. The quiet was unsettling, and it magnified her loneliness.
Susanna tried not dwell on the situation with Tomas. But the whole
time she was getting ready, she thought of nothing else.