Perfect You (23 page)

"Bye," I said, but Grandma had already hung up. I stood there for a second, then clicked the phone off and stared at it.

Anna took it out of my hand and passed me a pint of ice cream, open with a spoon already planted inside. I took it and automatically sat down on the sofa, the place where we'd always discussed our biggest problems, the ones we didn't want her mother to hear.

"Tell me everything," Anna said, and so I did.

Her eyes got wide when I told her about Dad yelling. "I can't picture it," she said.

"I know. I heard it, and I'm not sure I believe it happened. But it did."

"Do you think that maybe your mom is just really mad and that later she'll--hold on,"

she said, and got up, silently mouthing "Mom" at me.

"Do you need something?" she called back toward her mother's bedroom, and there was a faint noise, a whimper that was familiar and sad. Anna left the room, and after a moment I heard the peculiar scrape of her mom's bedroom door opening. It hadn't worked right since Anna's dad kicked it open during one of the big fights he and her mom had right before he left, but her mom would never get it fixed.

Anna came back a few minutes later, smiling brightly but biting her lip. "What's wrong?" I said.

"Nothing."

"You're biting your lip."

She sighed and flopped down onto the sofa next to me. "You know me too well. Can you put the ice cream away?"

"I just got to a big bunch of chocolate chips," I said, and grinned at her, offering up a spoonful.

"I can't," she said, glaring at me. "Sitting around eating ice cream was my problem before, remember?"

"Sorry," I said, hurt and hating the way she was looking at me, how she talked about the past like it was all horrible. "I'll put it away"

When I got back from the kitchen she motioned for me to sit next to her on the sofa and then rested her head on my shoulder. "Ignore me, okay? I got home late last night and Mom had waited up because she wanted to talk about some guy she'd met, and then she got upset about being single and unemployed and now she's . . . she's a mess.

What if I end up like her, Kate?"

"It won't happen," I said.

"Why not?"

"Because you'd never make your whole life about somebody else," I said. "You're really strong, you know what you want, and you go out and get it."

"I did lose all that weight," she said slowly. "And I got Sam. And I'm going to move to New York with Diane. I've always wanted to move to New York."

"See?" I said, ignoring the pinprick of hurt at how I still wasn't the person she wanted to move to New York with anymore. "So, what do you think about everything with my parents?"

"It's not really a surprise, I guess. I knew something would happen when I heard about the whole vitamin thing. I just figured it would be something like you guys losing your house, you know?" She laughed.

I didn't.

"Oh, I'm just kidding," she said, nudging me, and I knew I should tell her she was right, that we'd lost the house too, but I couldn't. It felt... it felt like she wouldn't see it for the loss it was.

"Everything will be okay, Kate," she said. "Seriously."

"It doesn't feel like it will be. It feels like everything's falling apart." I let out a breath I hadn't known I was holding. There. I'd told her that, how lost I felt. I could tell her the rest now and she'd understand. I knew she would.

"Well, nobody's life is perfect," she said. "Bad things happen, you know."

"Right," I said slowly. "But this year has been really bad. I mean, first you don't talk to me for months, and then Dad quit his job. Plus, Mom sprang Grandma on us--"

"Wait a minute. I didn't talk to you for months? You never even tried to talk to me!"

"What? I did too, and you totally ignored me. You acted like I didn't exist!" I hadn't meant to shout, but how could she say that to me? How could she act like I hadn't tried to be her friend?

"I did that once, maybe twice, and maybe it was mean but so much had changed and Mom was upset that I'd been gone for so long and I--I was just trying to cope, you know?"

"But you looked happy and you . . . you said we'd talk soon and then it was like you never knew me at all. Plus you did stuff like laugh at me when Diane talked about my dad--"

"All right, I'm not perfect," she muttered. "I get it. You and Sam can form an 'Anna Sucks'

club."

"I don't think you suck, I just--are you crying?"

"No," she snapped, rubbing her eyes, and then sighed. "I'm being a total bitch, aren't I?

I'm just so tired and last night Sam flirted with some stupid freshman right in front of me and--" She made a choked sound and wiped her eyes again. "Why doesn't he love me enough to be with just me? I know it's because I used to be fat. If I could just make him and everyone else forget who I used to be, then things would be perfect."

"I think--I think Sam's kind of a jerk," I said. "I mean, I know you love him, but he treats you so badly--"

"You don't understand," Anna said. "I know you're trying to be nice, but you just . . . you don't get it."

"Are you happy with him?" My throat felt tight with tears and something else, something that felt like anger.

"He's Sam."

"Yeah, but are you happy?"

"I could be," she said. "It's just--I can feel that fat girl I used to be following me around, you know? I wish I could get rid of her."

"But you have."

"No," she said, looking right at me. "I haven't. I'm still me, Kate. You know that. Deep down, I'm still me."

"But you're great."

She shook her head. "I don't want to talk about this anymore. What did you do last night?" "I . . I went on a date." So much for me not knowing about guys, I thought, and watched her face, unsure of what her reaction would be.

"Kate!" She grabbed my hands, beaming. "Why were we even talking about me? Tell me everything! What did you wear?"

This was the Anna I knew. I grinned back at her. "Jeans and my blue shirt."

"Oh, that's good. Hair?"

"Like this. Well, I mean I brushed it and stuff."

"Where did you go?"

"The park."

Her eyes got wide.

"Not like that," I said, and laughed as her grin got wider. "Really! We just talked, I promise. Will and I talked for hours, actually. Well, and ate tacos. And kissed some."

"Will?"

I nodded. "I know I used to say he was a jerk, and I know last year he--"

"Hooked up with just about everyone?"

"Yeah, but he--"

"It's not just last year, Kate. This year I've heard so many things--"

I shook my head. "How many girls have you actually seen him with?"

"Some," Anna said, smiling the way she did when she was angry. "Why are you trying to defend him? I get that you like him, but guys like him don't change, and everyone knows he'll mess around with anyone who has a pulse." "Like everyone knows how perfect and happy you and Sam are?"

"Fine, be like that," Anna said, her smile fading and her expression going completely closed off, the way it did when she was really upset.

"Don't be mad. It's just that Will's actually really nice, and I think that maybe we--"

"No," she said, shaking her head. She didn't look mad anymore, just sad, like she knew something I didn't. "I know you think you went out with him, but an actual date is more than making out in the park and--"

"I know what a date is, believe it or not. We went out, Anna, and we talked. Really talked, and I like him. I was even going to call and tell him about Mom and Dad this morning but--"

"All right, stop right there. I won't argue about the date thing with you anymore, but promise me you won't do that."

"Why?"

"Because you don't go around telling guys like Will or Sam stuff like that, not ever. They don't know what to do and it makes them act weird and then they dump you for being messed up or whatever. I mean, do you think Sam knows everything about my mom?

Guys can't handle hard stuff."

"So now Sam and Will are in the same category? That's a surprise, I mean, what with Will being so terrible and all. And just because Sam can't handle--" I broke off as Anna's eyes narrowed. We looked at each other for a moment, and then her phone rang. She looked at it, and then back at me, and I knew she wouldn't answer it. Not when we were talking like this, for real. Not when we were saying things we should have said to each other ages ago.

But she did.

She answered her phone and disappeared back toward her room, leaving our conversation behind easily. Leaving me behind easily. I sat there, shocked and hurt.

And angry.

"No, I'm not doing anything," I heard her say. "Of course I want you to come over!

Didn't we talk about it already? Yeah, as soon as you can. What? No, you looked great last night. Those jeans are amazing. I wish I had a pair!"

She had to be talking to Diane, and even though I'd heard Anna make fun of how obsessive Diane was, she sounded like Diane was her best friend. And she also sounded like . . .

Well, she sounded like the kind of person she would have made fun of last year. "Sorry about that," she said, coming back into the living room. "I've got some stuff I need to do so--"

"So you want me out of here before Diane comes over and sees me."

"You were listening to my phone conversation?" Anna looked furious.

"No. I mean, I heard stuff, but I didn't mean to."

"That's kind of creepy. No, actually, it's really creepy."

"You think I want to hear you talking to Diane?" I said. "'Oh, Diane, that sounds super great! Oh, you looked awesome! I totally agree with everything you say because I have no thoughts of my own!'"

"Wow," Anna said, crossing her arms over her chest. "Thanks for coming over and making fun of me. I wish all my friends were as nice as you."

"But you--you're not acting like the Anna I know. You talked to Diane exactly like how you used to say people always talked to her--and how you never would. Remember?

You said they were so stupid, and that you never wanted to be like them."

"Right, because it was so much fun to be fat and disgusting and have no friends. Why would I want to be pretty and go to parties and have a boyfriend and hang out with people who matter? It was one thing when I was like yo--" She broke off, looking down at the phone and biting her lip.

"It was one thing when you were like me," I said quietly "So every time you said popularity was a joke, and that you wouldn't ever want to be like Diane or worse, be her friend, you didn't mean it?"

Anna looked at me. "I meant it. I hated school, hated people like Diane, hated the idea of popularity. But I--I wanted it too. I wanted to be someone. I said I didn't, and that it didn't matter, but I never believed it. Not really."

"I did."

"Yeah, but this isn't about you. Nobody called you fat ass or wide load or laughed when you walked into a room. People came to your birthday parties and you got to go home to a normal house every day. I got to go home and take care of the person who's supposed to take care of me. You went shopping with me to all the fat girl stores, but you never had to buy the clothes, and when we went out to eat, nobody ever looked at you and shook their head like you were disgusting just for wanting food. Why would I ever want to be that girl again?"

"But I--" I paused, stunned by how angry she was. "You always seemed so happy. So sure of yourself."

"What else could I do? Be the fat girl who feels sorry for herself? I already saw what that got my mother."

"If you'd said something to me--"

"Right. Because every time I tried to talk about how I looked, you lied and said I looked fine."

"But I didn't--"

"What?" Anna said, her voice rising. "You didn't mean it? You were just being nice?"

"No, I meant it," I said. "You were my best friend and I didn't care about--"

"What, how I looked? Well, that's noble of you, but I did," Anna said. "Look, I've got to get ready because Diane's coming over, so . . ." "So that's it? I have to go because Diane wants to hang out? I get dumped because I didn't tell you what you wanted to hear before you went away last summer, and because you think who you were before you lost the weight is worthless?"

"Right, because I'm not hanging out with you right now or anything." She shook her head, frowning. "Should I stop hanging out with everyone else and spend all my time with you? I've told you that you're the one person I count on because I know you'll always be there for me. What more do you want from me, Kate?"

"Look, it's okay," she said. "Call me tomorrow?"

I nodded, even though things didn't seem that okay to me. But she'd just said she counted on me, I reminded myself. That meant a lot.

Right?

"Hey," she called after me as I was leaving, and I stopped in her driveway and looked back at her.

"If Sam dumped me and Diane stopped talking to me and I got fat again, you'd still be my friend, right?" she said.

"I'm always your friend," I said, and she smiled at me, then turned around and went back inside.

I started walking home. I wasn't looking forward to whatever I'd find there, but at least I'd been able to get away for a while. I was glad I could still count on Anna.

Anna, who hadn't asked to come over or even come by work when she was at the mall after that one time. Anna, who never called me unless I called her first. Anna, who didn't want me around her new life and friends. Anna, who seemed to hate everything about her life and herself before this year, and who had forgotten me until . . .

well, until she needed to know someone would be there for her.

Anna, who'd never said she was sorry for anything that had happened. For how our friendship ended before, for forgetting me. For anything.

I turned around and walked back to Anna's.

She was sitting outside when I got there, lying on one of the two lawn chairs she'd been setting up when I came over. I remembered when she got them. It was right before she'd turned eleven, and she'd talked her mom into buying them for her birthday party.