Percy Jackson's Greek Gods (17 page)

First was a Greek princess named Koroneis. She had feathery black hair and always wore dark dresses like she was going to a funeral, but for some reason Poseidon thought she was incredibly hot. One day he was following her along the beach, trying to flirt with her, when she got scared and ran off. Poseidon didn’t want her to get away like Amphitrite had, so he started running after her. “Hey, come back! I just want a kiss! I won’t kill you!”

Which is probably not the thing to say if you’re chasing a girl.

Koroneis panicked and screamed, “Help! Somebody help!”

She ran toward the city gates, but they were too far away. She knew she’d never make it. She scanned the horizon and happened to focus on the glittering roof of the temple of Athena in the distance.

Since Athena was the first Olympian she thought of, Koroneis yelled, “Athena, save me! I don’t care how you do it!”

Which again, is probably not a wise thing to say.

Way up on Mount Olympus, Athena heard Koroneis yelling her name. Gods have
incredibly
good hearing when it comes to their own names. The goddess spotted this poor helpless girl being chased by Poseidon, and Athena got angry.

“I don’t think so, barnacle beard,” she muttered.

She snapped her fingers, and down on the beach, Koroneis instantly turned into a bird with pitch-black feathers—the first crow, which is why
koronis
means
crow
in Greek. The crow flew away and left Poseidon on the beach, heartbroken and lonely with a black feather stuck in his hair.

Of course, Poseidon realized that Athena was responsible for changing Koroneis into a crow. He already resented Athena because of their contest over Athens. Now he was starting to hate her.

He decided to look for any opportunity to insult Athena. It didn’t take him long. Pretty soon he became obsessed with another beautiful girl named Medusa.

Unlike Koroneis, Medusa was flattered that the sea god liked her.

They had a nice candlelight dinner together and a walk on the beach. Finally Poseidon said, “Hey, why don’t we go somewhere more private?”

Medusa blushed. “Oh…I don’t know. My sisters warned me about sea gods like you!”

“Aw, c’mon!” Poseidon said. “I know a quiet spot. You’ll love it.”

Medusa should’ve said no, but Poseidon could be pretty charming when he wanted to be.

He took her into town, straight to the temple of Athena. It was closed for the night, but Poseidon opened the doors easily.

“Are you sure this is a good idea?” Medusa whispered.

“Sure,” Poseidon said. “We’ll have the place to ourselves.”

Now, I’m not going to excuse Poseidon’s behavior. He knew very well that Athena would get angry. He was using Medusa to get revenge. He lost sight of the fact that
Hey, maybe Athena will take her anger out on this poor mortal girl….

Poseidon and Medusa made themselves comfortable and got romantic at the foot of Athena’s statue, which was a huge insult to Athena—kind of like somebody leaving a burning bag of dog poo on your porch, ringing the doorbell, and running away. Not that I have ever personally done anything like that, of course.

Athena looked down from Olympus and saw what was going on. She wanted to hurl. “That is the most disgusting thing I have ever seen,” she grumbled. “I think I’ll show Poseidon something even
more
disgusting.”

She conjured up the most awful and creative curse she could think of—and Athena could be pretty creative.

Down in the temple, Medusa grew brass bat wings and brass talons. Her hair turned into a nest of writhing poisonous snakes. Her face twisted into something so horrible that one glance would turn anyone who saw her to stone.

Poseidon’s eyes were closed. He was leaning in for another kiss, his lips all puckered up, when he heard a weird hissing noise.

“Baby, did you spring a leak?” he teased.

Then he opened his eyes. He jumped back faster than a breaching whale. “Holy…What the…OH GODS! I
kissed that
…AHHH! MOUTHWASH! MOUTHWASH!”

Since he was immortal, he didn’t turn to stone, but he screamed a bunch of other stuff I can’t put into writing and got out of there fast, without even an apology to poor Medusa.

Medusa quickly realized what she looked like. She covered her head with her shawl and slunk away. Eventually she ended up living in a cave far from civilization, with just her two sisters for company. Together, the three of them were called the Gorgons. Over the years, just from being close to her, Medusa’s two sisters transformed into monsters as ugly as she was. They couldn’t turn people to stone, but the gods decided to make them immortal—maybe out of pity, maybe as a curse—so the sisters could take care of Medusa forever without getting petrified. The Gorgons caused all kinds of grief to heroes over the years, but that’s another story. Eventually the face of Medusa became one of Athena’s symbols, as if to say:
THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU MESS WITH ME.

Not all of Poseidon’s relationships worked out so badly. He dated one girl named Eurynome who was really nice. By the way, her name is pronounced
your enemy
,
and I don’t know how Poseidon could say that without laughing.
Oh, your enemy, give me a kiss! My girlfriend is your enemy! I’m going out with your enemy!
Anyway, they had a kid together named Bellerophon, who became a great hero.

Another one of Poseidon’s girlfriends, Aethra, gave birth to an even greater hero named Theseus. So don’t start thinking all the important heroes were Zeus’s kids. That’s just Zeus’s PR machine at work.

My favorite thing about Poseidon? If he really liked you, he could grant you shape-shifting powers. He did that for one of his girlfriends, Mestra, so she could turn into any animal she wanted. He also gave that power to one of his demigod grandsons, Periclymenus, who could fight as a snake or a bear or even a swarm of bees.

Me, I can’t change shape.
Thanks a lot, Dad.

On the other hand, some of Poseidon’s kids didn’t turn out too well. Maybe it depended on what kind of mood he was in, or what he’d had for dinner, but sometimes Poseidon sired actual monsters. One of his sons was a man-eating Cyclops named Polyphemus. Another was an ugly giant named Antaeus, who liked to break people in half. And you think
your
brothers are bad.

Another time, Poseidon fell in love with a princess named Theophane, who was so beautiful, every guy in her kingdom wanted to marry her. They just wouldn’t leave her alone. They followed her down the street. They broke into the palace, demanding to see her. They even tried following her into the bathroom. She was like a superstar surrounded by paparazzi. No peace or privacy
ever.

Finally it got so bad that she prayed to Poseidon, who had been trying to date her too. “If you can get me away from my other suitors,” Theophane said, “I’ll be your girlfriend. Just get me out of here!”

The earth rumbled. A deep voice said, “NO PROBLEM. TONIGHT, GO TO THE SHEEP PENS.”

That didn’t sound like much of a plan to Theophane, but when darkness fell, she put a veil over her face and tried to sneak out of the palace. Immediately she was spotted. Sixty guys swarmed her with bouquets of flowers, shouting, “Marry me! Marry me!”

Theophane ran for the sheep pens. She dodged a mob of guys with boxes of chocolates, then twelve dudes with guitars trying to serenade her.

By the time she reached the sheep pens, over a hundred suitors were at her heels. Theophane was so desperate she dove straight into the pens.

POOF!

Instantly she turned into a ewe—a female sheep—and was lost in the herd.

The mob of love-struck guys stopped and looked around, baffled. They searched the pens but couldn’t find Theophane anywhere. Eventually they gave up and went back to stake out the palace, figuring Theophane would return there sooner or later.

“Thank the gods!” bleated Theophane.

“You’re welcome,” said a big ram, right next to her.

Theophane gulped. (Can ewes gulp?) “Poseidon?”

The ram winked. “You like my new wool coat? Because I like
ewe.
Get it?
Ewe
?”

Theophane started to feel queasy. “I suppose I have to be your girlfriend now?”

“A deal’s a deal,” Poseidon said.

They had some quality time together as sheep, which I’m not going to go into, or I’ll get queasy myself. A few months later, the ewe Theophane gave birth to a magical ram named Krysomallos, who for some reason had wool made of gold.

Eventually, Krysomallos would be skinned for his fleece, which became known as the Golden Fleece, which means I am related to a sheepskin rug.

This is why you don’t want to think too hard about who you’re related to in the Greek myths. It’ll drive you crazy.

Last story about Poseidon, and it’s a tearjerker: how he almost took over the universe and ended up as a minimum-wage bricklayer.

Happened like this: Hera got it into her head that the gods should have a rebellion against Zeus.

I can’t blame her, really. Zeus could be a total diaper wipe. She decided that the universe would be in much better shape if it were run by the whole Olympian council like a democracy, so she gathered some of the other gods—Poseidon, Athena, and Apollo, the god of archery—and she told them her plan.

“We tie Zeus up,” Hera said.

Poseidon frowned. “That’s your plan?”

“Hey, I sleep in the same room with him,” Hera said. “When he’s in a deep sleep, snoring really loudly, I’ll call you guys in. We bind him tight. Then we force him to give up his throne so we can rule the cosmos together, as a council of equals.”

The others looked uncertain, but they all had reasons to dislike Zeus. He was erratic and quick to anger, and his weakness for pretty women had caused them all headaches.

Besides, each of the gods was secretly thinking, Hey, I could rule the universe better than Zeus. Once he’s gone, I could take over!

Poseidon was definitely tempted. Why not? With his big brother tied up, he would be the strongest god in the world.

“A council of equals,” Poseidon said. “Sure. I like it.”

“Right…” Athena glanced suspiciously at Poseidon. “A council.”

“Great,” Hera said. “Get some strong rope—the magical self-adjusting kind.”

“Where can you buy that?” Apollo wondered. “Home Depot?”

“I’ve got some,” Athena said.

“Of course you do,” Poseidon muttered.

“Enough!” Hera snapped. “Tonight, the three of you hide in the hallway and wait for my signal. When Zeus is asleep, I will call like a cuckoo.”

Poseidon wasn’t sure what a cuckoo sounded like, but he figured he’d know it when he heard it.

That night, Hera made sure Zeus ate a heavy dinner and drank only decaffeinated nectar. When he was fast asleep, she called for the others. They rushed in and tied up the king of the gods.

“Hrmmph?” Zeus snorted. “Wh-what is this?”

He began to struggle. He tried to reach his lightning bolts, but his arms were tied fast. His bolts were on the dresser on the other side of the room.

“TREASON!” he roared. “LET ME GO!”

He thrashed and tried to change form to get free of the rope, but the rope tightened every time he attempted to shape-shift. He yelled at the other gods and called them all sorts of unflattering names.

“WHAT DO YOU WANT?” he demanded.

Even completely bound, Zeus was scary. The gods backed away from the bed.

At last Poseidon mustered his courage. “Zeus, you’re a bad leader. We want you to abdicate, so we can all rule the cosmos as a council of equals.”

“What?!” Zeus shouted. “NEVER!”

Hera sighed in exasperation. “Fine! We don’t need you! We’ll convene the council ourselves and leave you here to rot.”

“You traitorous little—”

“Let’s go,” Hera told the others. “We’ll check on him in a few days and see if he’s come to his senses.”

Poseidon wasn’t sure it was a good idea leaving Zeus unguarded, but he also didn’t want to stay in the room with a screaming lightning god.

The gods adjourned to the throne room and held their very first (and very last) meeting of the People’s Republic of Olympus.

They quickly found that voting on everything was messy. It took a long time. Just deciding on a design for the new Olympian flag took hours!

Meanwhile, a Nereid named Thetis was strolling down the hall near Zeus’s bedroom. What was a sea nymph doing on Olympus? Maybe she was just spending the night, or visiting friends.

She had no idea what was going on with the rebellion, but when she heard Zeus yelling for help, she burst into his bedroom, saw him tied up, and said, “Uh…is this a bad time?”

“Thetis, thank the Fates!” Zeus cried. “Get me out of here!”

He quickly told her what the other gods had done. “Please,” he pleaded. “You’re a sensible sea nymph. Let me out, and I’ll really owe you one.”

Thetis gulped. If Poseidon was part of the rebellion…well, he was the lord of the sea, and thus her boss. But Zeus was lord of
everything
. No matter what she did, she was going to make a powerful enemy.

“If I let you out,” Thetis said, “promise me you’ll be merciful to the other gods.”

“MERCIFUL?”

“Just don’t throw them into Tartarus, or chop them into tiny pieces, okay?”

Zeus fumed, but he reluctantly promised to be
merciful.

Thetis grabbed some scissors from the dresser and tried to cut the ropes, but she had no luck. The magical bonds were too strong.

“Blast them with my lightning!” Zeus said. “Wait…I’m
in
the ropes. On second thought, don’t blast them.”

“Hang on,” Thetis said. “I know somebody who might be able to help.”

She turned into a cloud of salty water vapor and sped to the sea, where she found Briares the Hundred-Handed One. Briares owed Zeus for letting him out of Tartarus, so he was happy to help. Somehow, Thetis managed to smuggle the big dude into Olympus without the gods noticing, and with his hundred dexterous hands, Briares quickly untied the magical ropes.

Zeus sprang out of bed, grabbed his lightning bolts, and marched into the throne room, where the other gods were still trying to design their new flag.

BOOM!

Zeus floored further discussion, along with all the other gods.

When he was done blowing things up and using the Olympians for target practice, he punished the rebels for their treason.

He kept his promise to Thetis. He didn’t chop the gods into tiny pieces or throw them into Tartarus. But he tied Hera up and suspended her on a rope over the abyss of Chaos, so she could contemplate what it would be like to drop into nothingness and be dissolved. Every day, Zeus would visit her with his lightning bolt in hand and say, “Yep, today might be a good day to blast that rope and watch you fall!”

That’s the sort of loving relationship they had.

Hera eventually got free, but we’ll get to that story later.

As for Athena, she got off with no punishment. Totally unfair, right? But Athena was a quick talker. She probably convinced Zeus that she’d had nothing to do with the plot, and she was just biding her time before she could set Zeus free. Like an idiot, Zeus believed her.

Apollo and Poseidon got the worst punishments. They were temporarily stripped of their immortal powers.

I didn’t even know Zeus could
do
stuff like that, but apparently he could. To teach the two former gods a lesson, Zeus made them work as laborers for the king of Troy, a dude named Laomedon. Apollo became his shepherd and watched the royal flocks. Poseidon had to single-handedly build new walls around the city.

“Are you kidding me?” Poseidon protested. “That’ll take years!”

King Laomedon smiled. “Yes, well…I promise to reward you for your hard work, but you’d better get started!”

Actually, Laomedon had no intention of paying Poseidon. He didn’t like the sea god. He just wanted to get as much free work as possible out of Poseidon for as long as possible.

Since Poseidon didn’t have a choice, he set to work.

Even without his godly powers, Poseidon was still pretty awesome. He was stronger than any mortal and could carry five or six massive blocks of stone at a time. The project took him years, but he finally constructed the mightiest walls any mortal city had ever had, making Troy nearly invincible.

At last, tired and sore and irritated, Poseidon marched into King Laomedon’s throne room.

“Finished,” Poseidon announced.

“With what?” Laomedon looked up from the book he was reading. It had been so many years, he’d totally forgotten about Poseidon. “Oh, right! The walls! Yes, they look great. You can go now.”

Poseidon blinked. “But—my reward.”

“That
is
your reward. You can go. I’ll let Zeus know you fulfilled your oath, and he’ll make you a god again. What better reward could there be?”

Poseidon growled. “I made your city the strongest on earth. I built walls that will withstand any army. You promised me compensation, and now you won’t pay?”

“Are you still here?” Laomedon asked.

Poseidon stormed out of the throne room.

Zeus made him a god again, but Poseidon never forgot how Laomedon had insulted him. He couldn’t destroy Troy outright; Zeus forbade it. But Poseidon
did
send a sea monster to terrorize the Trojans. He also made a special point of sinking Trojan ships whenever he got the chance. And when a little event called the Trojan War came along…well, Poseidon was
not
on the side of Troy.

And that’s my dad, folks: a calm, easygoing dude most of the time. But if you made him angry, he had a long, long memory.

The only god who held longer grudges…yeah, you guessed it. Old Thunderpants himself. I suppose we’ve put him off long enough. It’s time to talk about Zeus.