Pegasus: A Novel (36 page)

It took them four days to meet up with the circus again in Kentucky, and they’d been
gone for exactly a week, not the two they’d planned. And everyone was excited to see
Pegasus with them. They’d been afraid Nick would have to put him down, and so was
he. But Pegasus looked as lively as ever when he saw Athena and the other horses.
And when Nick took him out to exercise him, he was spirited as he ran around the ring.
It took him a little while to get his strength back again, but Nick worked with him
every day, and on the third week of October, in Raleigh, North Carolina, Pegasus made
his triumphant return. He was back. It had been a long, arduous two months, and the
hardest time of Nick’s life, even harder than leaving Germany, or joining the circus.
He had felt as though he were drowning ever since Toby’s death. But he had surfaced
again, and so had Pegasus. They had survived the worst, with Christianna’s help. She
had never looked more beautiful than the night they performed together again, in the
center ring. She was glowing. Pegasus was flying. Lucas made a brief appearance on
one of the Arabians. And even though he still missed Toby terribly, and knew he always
would, Nick was a happy man. They had come through the storm, and survived.

By the time they got back to Florida for their winter break, Pegasus had hit his stride
again, and Nick was almost back to himself. He was more subdued, and there were times
when missing Toby still overwhelmed him, but he had good moments now too. And he was
enjoying Lucas again. They even spent an evening with Gallina and Sergei. But poor
Katja was still devastated. Toby had been her first love, and she still couldn’t believe
he was never coming home again. Nor could Nick, but it was the truth. It made him
think of Marianne sometimes, too, losing her husband so soon, and widowed at twenty-one,
with a new baby her husband had never seen. He hoped she was doing all right. And
he was worried that he had heard from Alex very seldom recently, and hoped he was
holding up, too, with the Nazis right in his backyard. Nick was glad to be in Sarasota,
and that he hadn’t stayed in Europe. If he had, they might all be dead by now.

And as they settled back into their winter quarters, he noticed that Christianna was
sleeping a lot, and tired all the time, although
she didn’t admit it. The three months since Toby’s death had taken a toll on her too.

“Are you okay?” he asked her with a look of concern, on a day when she’d slept unusually
late, again.

“I’m fine,” she said, smiling at him. “Just tired.”

“You’re not old enough to be tired,” he teased her. “That’s for old men like me.”

“You’re not old.” She smiled back at him. He was forty-seven years old. But he had
been through a lot in the past four years. He was still as handsome as the first time
she’d seen him, although since Toby’s death, there was still something sad in his
eyes, and maybe there always would be. Only time would tell. But she knew that in
some ways losing a child was a deep scar that would never heal. And that night she
was back in bed and sound asleep at an unusually early hour again. It was starting
to worry him.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” he asked her again the next morning. “It’s not like you
to sleep so much.” She answered him vaguely, and assured him she was fine, but he
had a strange feeling suddenly that she was hiding something from him. He’d been so
involved with himself, his loss, and Pegasus’s injury that for the past three months
he had paid very little attention to her. He felt bad about it, but she was always
patient and understanding, maybe more than he deserved. “What are you not telling
me?” He was afraid suddenly that she was sick and didn’t want to burden him with it.
She hesitated for a long moment before she answered, which confirmed his worst fears,
and he pulled her into his arms with a look of terror.
Please God
, he thought to himself,
please don’t let me lose one more person I love
. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” She smiled up at him as he held her. “I’m fine.” And then she realized
it wasn’t fair to keep it from him any longer. And
maybe he was ready to hear it now—he hadn’t been for the past two months, and it might
only have upset him more. “We’re having a baby,” she whispered into his chest, and
then looked up at him with love in her eyes. He didn’t answer for a minute, thinking
of Toby and the daughter he’d lost, and wondered if he could do it again. He was obsessed
now with anything happening to Lucas. He was the only child he had left. But he also
knew that he didn’t have the right to deprive Christianna of having her own child,
and theirs. He closed his eyes as he held her, and then he looked down at her with
greater tenderness than he’d ever felt for her before.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” he asked, but he already knew the answer to the question.

“It wasn’t the right time.” They both realized that was true. He was ready to hear
it now, but he hadn’t been for the past two months.

“How long have you known?” He felt guilty that she hadn’t been able to share such
important news with him.

“Awhile. About two months, soon after Toby died, and Pegasus got hurt. I couldn’t
tell you then. And you wouldn’t have been happy. Are you happy now?” she asked cautiously,
and he kissed her.

“Very, very happy. I want a little girl who looks just like you. When will it be?”

“In June. But I can still go on tour. Everyone does.” He looked at her in amazement
and started to laugh. He had grown up with women who languished for months, rested,
took naps, pampered themselves, and complained, and she wanted to go on tour with
the circus, and deliver somewhere on the road.

“You’re crazy,” he said, laughing at her, and then he realized what she’d been doing
and got instantly upset. She’d been doing her high-wire act, even if with a net, doing
his horse act with him, riding elephants, and touring the country for these two months.
He wondered
if that was why she hadn’t told him, too—because she wanted to continue doing it all,
and she knew he’d have a fit. “Wait a minute, you. I don’t want you doing your high-wire
act if you’re pregnant, or riding with me. Christianna, be sensible. I don’t want
you to lose this baby,” he said earnestly with a look of panic. He wasn’t used to
women like her, and she was stronger than she looked. She was accustomed to working
hard and the things they did.

“I won’t lose it,” she said peacefully. “I want to do the high wire as long as I can.
They have no one to replace me. And you need me too. I could do our act for longer
than the high wire.”

“What? And give birth in the center ring on tour? Christianna, I’m not going to let
you do this!”

“Yes, you are,” she said stubbornly. “You can’t stop me!”

“Yes, I can! And I will. Does your father know?”

She shook her head. “I didn’t want to tell him before I told you. That wouldn’t be
fair.” Nick was touched by the respect. “But he won’t mind. My mother did the wire
before she had me, without a net,” she said proudly.

“Wonderful! So she could have fallen even before she had you, and where would I be?
Christianna, please … please … don’t risk our baby, or you. I love you too much to
lose you too. What if we take a year off and don’t go on tour?”

“You can’t do that in the circus. You lose your place.” She knew more about it than
he did, but the idea of her riding horseback, standing precariously on Athena’s back,
and doing a high-wire act, while pregnant, drove him insane. But even Gallina offered
him no support this time, when he complained to her about it. She knew the ways of
the circus too. It was a tough, cutthroat world.

“She’s right,” she told him. “She should work as long as she can, without taking insane
risks. And there’s no reason she can’t have the
baby on tour. There are hospitals everywhere we go.” It was not the life he wanted
to provide for his wife, but Christianna didn’t seem to mind, and the argument raged
on. Nick couldn’t win it, no matter how hard he tried. She was loving and loyal, but
also stubborn, and her family agreed with her and not with him. They had too many
examples to prove him wrong.

She finally agreed to give up the high wire in March, during rehearsals for their
tour, when she started to lose her figure. And he got her to ride a saddle and not
stand on Athena’s back, in their own act, and she wore filmier costumes so her growing
belly didn’t show. She was young and her body strong, so she was able to conceal it
for a long time. But by late April even Christianna couldn’t hide it any longer, and
she had to bow out, for the next two months at least. Audiences were touched when
the ringmaster announced it and told them why, and she took a bow every night, at
the beginning of Nick’s show. She looked beautiful in a pale silver gown, and he tipped
his top hat to her as the Lipizzaner act began, but it frustrated her not to work
till the end.

“Then you should have been a clown or a juggler,” he teased her, loving to watch her
and hold her as her belly grew. Lucas was thrilled about the new baby and hoped it
would be a boy. And Nick was excited about it now too. The birth of their baby gave
him hope, and a sense of starting life over again. It was the dawning of another era.
The only thing that troubled him was that he wanted to give Christianna and the new
baby, and even Lucas, a better life than they had now. He had been with the circus
for almost five years now, and he was feeling old, and tired. At forty-eight, he wanted
to give them more. And he still dreamed of having a ranch one day.

While he cherished his dreams for his family, and they waited for the new baby as
they went from town to town, the war droned on.
The Germans surrendered in North Africa in May, and the Allies were gaining strength.
And in the last days of Christianna’s pregnancy, the eyes of the world turned toward
the Germans’ brutal decimation of the Warsaw Ghetto, and their horrifying destruction
of human life there. Because it was in Poland, Christianna was particularly upset.
The Germans were monsters, and they had been systematically eliminating Jews from
Europe. Nick realized every day that if he had stayed, he and his children would be
long dead, and his mother probably was by now too.

When they got to Santa Barbara in June, Nick drove her to Santa Ynez as he always
did, as a pilgrimage to his dreams. But they didn’t stay at the hotel this time, she
was too big and uncomfortable, and she was already two days overdue, which made him
nervous. He was much more anxious than he had been when his other children were born.
Maybe because he was older, or because Christianna seemed so delicate and so tiny
to have this baby and he was afraid for her, and because the losses of recent years
had hit him hard. He was desperately afraid that something would happen to her, but
she seemed totally calm and at peace when she reassured him. And she always reminded
him that Gallina and her own mother had given birth in their trailers. Nick did not
find it reassuring, and begged her not to do that to him. He wanted her in a hospital,
with all the help she could get.

“I’ll be fine,” she said confidently.

“Yes, you will, in a hospital, with a doctor and lots of nurses in attendance. Let’s
not do this circus style, please.” His origins showed in how he viewed it. He wasn’t
casual about her giving birth, and he wanted the best possible medical care for her.
And he was relieved that for the next three weeks, they were playing all decent-sized
cities. Santa Barbara, San Francisco, Portland, Seattle, Spokane. He
was perfectly satisfied to have her deliver in any of those towns, which was why he
had agreed to let her come on tour. And she bounced along happily with a big belly,
full of energy as she watched his act every night, waved at the crowd, and took care
of Lucas. He wondered if it was her nature, or just youth. She was twenty-six years
old, and she still looked fourteen.

On their way back from Santa Ynez, after visiting the bluff he liked to visit every
year, they had dinner at the Italian restaurant and went home. Lucas was staying at
Gallina’s for the night and still loved spending time with Rosie, although at eleven,
she was less of a tomboy now and acted more like a girl sometimes, which annoyed him.
But he forgave her for it most of the time, and they were still friends.

Nick smiled at Christianna as they walked back to their trailer, after returning the
car they had borrowed, and he chuckled at how huge she was. She looked like a circus
ball with arms, legs, and a head. Her middle section was totally round. He loved holding
her at night and feeling their baby kick.

He was doing just that a little while later in bed, when he felt her whole belly turn
rock hard and Christianna made a face.

“What was that?” He looked startled, and so did she.

“Probably something I ate for dinner. Maybe the baby didn’t like it.” She had eaten
very little, because she had no room, she said.

He felt the baby kick a few more times, and could feel a foot or an arm poking him,
which made him smile, and then her stomach hardened again, and it worried him this
time.

“Are you sure that’s all right? Should we go to the hospital?” She laughed at him
and rubbed her belly and it softened again.

“Of course not. You don’t go to the hospital for indigestion.” She smiled at him,
but he wasn’t convinced.

“How do you know it’s indigestion?” He looked suspicious, but Christianna was unconcerned.
She rolled over on her side and kissed him.

“I just know,” she said, and kissed him again.

“I just want you to know,” he reminded her, “if you get fresh with me, I’m not going
to touch you. You’re having a baby any minute. I’m not going to be responsible for
doing something wrong or hurting it or you.” She laughed again at what he said.

“I know, I know,” she said, and they cuddled up together, and safe in his arms, she
fell asleep. He loved curling around her and sleeping with her. Her existence in his
life had brought him more comfort than he’d ever known, and he settled next to her
and drifted off to sleep. He woke up when he felt her stiffen, and she gave a soft
moan.