Patch Up (7 page)

And once again I don’t know what to say or do. When he says something like that, sounding so vulnerable, I can’t find it in me to just bolt. It’s more than curiosity. It has everything to do with the hole I feel in my chest, the hole I know is the same in Duke’s chest.

“So what? You want to stay in the car until I tell you everything?” I can’t look at him. Instead, my eyes are focused on the house with all the lights on and people enjoying their night inside.

“I understand that you don’t want to talk about it, and I respect that, but I need to know something,” he replies resolutely. Slowly, he brings one of his hands to my arm. I don’t move, but my breathing staggers soundly, even if I know he’s not going to hurt me. I’m safe in this car. My body should know it, too. “Is it something your ex-boyfriend did to you?”

I stiffen. Just this simple reaction answers his question. I hear him gulp and his hand shakes for a second on my arm. I close my eyes and nod. “Yes,” I whisper weakly, letting a tear fall onto my cheek. For the first time, someone pinpoints the source of my problems and I acknowledge it. I exhale and dry my face angrily.

“It’s the first step, Skye.” He strokes my arm twice and pulls away. “It’s the first step for both of us, actually. I don’t like to talk about my past either. One day you’re going to trust me and you’ll open up.”

I brace myself and turn toward him. The look on his face doesn’t show pity or disgust like I thought I would see, but protectiveness and sadness. My heart beats faster. “I can’t, Duke.”

He nods and sighs before sharing a small smile that seems at odds on his hardened face. This night out is not at all like I thought it would be. I wasn’t expecting it to be fun, but I thought it would be lighter, something more along the lines of me pushing away Duke’s friendship and not me being emotional all over him.

“It’s funny; you don’t think you’re strong enough to face everything when the truth is you are.”

“I’m a coward, Duke. That’s the truth.”

He sighs and brings the car to life, startling me. “Let me take you back to your dorm. I’m not in the mood to party.”

I buckle up my belt and snuggle in to my seat. “I told you, I’m not a party girl.”

He just laughs, turns up the radio, and heads toward the campus. I take my phone from my pants pocket and send a quick text to Kate to let her know where I am. Weird night, really. And emotionally draining, too.

Chapter Four

You’re going back home with him?

I roll my eyes after reading Kate’s text. At least her wishful thinking and weird enthusiasm is distracting me from the heavy tension in the car. I’m not the kind of girl who always needs to talk or who can’t stand a little silence, but right now it’s driving me crazy and not in a good way.

It’s not what you think. Sean is at the party.

I hit send and sigh, not bothering to read her reply as my phone blips in my jacket pocket. I know I’ll have to talk to her about what has happened since she’s my roommate and she’s determined to be my friend, but I don’t want to do this by text when I’ve got a guy next to me still in pain and so angry.

“Do you think your roommate will need a ride home?” he asks me, breaking the silence.

I fidget in my seat and glance quickly at his profile. His jaw is still clenched. “She never drinks.”

Talk about awkward. I’d love to have a time traveling machine just to go back a couple of hours and avoid this damn party and Sean, and the talk I had with Duke. He wasn’t ready to talk about his dead girlfriend and I’m not ready to hear about it or to tell him that I’m fucked up because of Sean. But it’s too late now, I guess.

“Good.” He nods and stops the car, making me realize that we’ve reached my dorm building already. I zoned out there for a moment.

“Thanks for the ride.” I unbuckle my seatbelt and open the door. I’m not sure I want to see his face, nor do I want to show mine;  I’m sure it’s too pale and looks haunted. I need to compose myself, put my calm mask back on. After all, it won’t be that difficult since the worst is over.

As I step toward the building, I hear his door open and close and his footsteps closing the space between us. I stiffen, my hands shaking around my keys. What now? If he thinks I’m going to spill everything just like that, he’s fooling himself. Anger is slowly chasing away the hollowness left in the wake of the pain.

“Skye, wait a minute please.” His pleading tone stops me. I turn around and glance up, locking my eyes with his.

He’s not angry now; he looks lost, maybe even afraid. I don’t really know. I push away some of my frizzy hair and suppress a shiver. The night is freezing. “I think we talked enough for now,” I say in a weak voice that I hate with all my soul. Why do I allow myself to be so weak in front of him? Why do I let him see me like this when I have vowed to myself to never ever show any weakness in front of anyone?

“You’re right, but I don’t want to talk.”

I take in his tall, muscular frame, his intense gaze, and his handsome face with well-defined lips and neatly trimmed black goatee, and I shake my head vehemently. All the air in my lungs leaves me. “I won’t sleep with you.”

He laughs, startling me so much that I almost whimper. He closes his eyes and brings both hands in his hair, tugging on several locks before taking a couple of steps closer to me. “That’s far from what’s on my mind, don’t worry.”

I relax and blush. At least, I think I blush if the heat in my cheeks and the amusement sparkling in his dark eyes is anything to go by. “So what do you want?”

A couple of girls sway past us and walk into the building, giggling and making some crude comments about Duke’s hotness. If they think they’re discreet, they should think again. I cringe and want to disappear. It may sound crazy, but whenever I see something like that, it depresses me. I’ll never be that kind of girl, just having harmless and casual fun with friends because for that, I’d have to let my guard down and I don’t see that day coming any time soon.

“I don’t want to be alone,” he replies in a whisper once the girls are out of earshot. The sorrow in his voice is back. The amusement has vanished, letting me see a glimpse of the broken man he is.

I take a look at the building where several windows are alight. Most of the residents are out partying or just chilling out with friends and family. “No talking,” I say and gesture for him to follow me.

He is hot on my heels, as we climb two flights of stairs, and let ourselves into the narrow room I share with Kate. When he’s in this room it feels even smaller, like he’s using too much space. My bed’s comforter is wrinkled, my Psychology textbook is still open on the chapter I read for the next class, and my laptop is on my bare desk.

For the first time I realize how weird it is to not have a single thing that is not school related on my side of the room and I’m ashamed to see it from Duke’s point of view. It’s cold, just like I want everybody to see me.

I look back at him to gauge what he’s thinking. Granted, he’s already seen my room, but he didn’t stay long then. Right now it’s just us with plenty of time alone, and our emotions are all over the place after our half confessions from earlier.

His leather jacket is draped over his left forearm where he has rolled up his sweater’s sleeves, displaying his tattoos that, if I’m being honest, are quite awesome to look at. His face is slowly relaxing even if his eyes say something else entirely.

I put my jacket in my wardrobe and wave him to do the same if he wants to. He does, which brings us face to face, not saying a word and not looking anywhere but at each other. I sigh, feeling stupid to just stay like that in front of him. I don’t even know what he wants to do besides not sleeping with me. I bite on my lower lip, weirded out by my thoughts. I’m almost ... disappointed.

“I’m tired, Duke.” I break the silence with a bored voice that doesn’t reflect my inner turmoil at all, but it’s not a lie either. I’m tired from this roller-coaster of a night that I want to put an end to.

“Me too.” He closes his eyes and opens them fast. He seems to convince himself to say something else. “Do you trust me?”

I turn away from him and grab something from my desk to put my hair in a messy bun. I must look awful with my frizzy and untamed hair; I didn’t even brush it after being outside in the breeze, but I don’t care. It’s just Duke, a guy who claims he doesn’t want to sleep with me but instead wants to play the shrink with me. I’m stalling. I should answer or say something, but what? My heart beats faster and louder, making my ears throb.

“I don’t know,” I mutter lamely, staring at the ground.

For anybody, it’s awful to say something like that to a guy that is sweet and caring from day one, but for me it’s already a huge step. A week ago I trusted nobody besides my parents. Nobody.

“What if we try something to see if you trust me?”

“What does it have to do with us being tired?”

“You’ll see.”

I chew on my lower lip, looking up at his face. He’s frowning. “But for that I already have to trust you since you’re not telling me about your experiment.”

He smiles with amusement, but the seriousness doesn’t leave his expressive eyes. “Lie with me on your bed.”

I stiffen and take hold of the edge of my desk. Just thinking of him on my bed is making me dizzy. I can’t. I can’t be in a bed with him, so close, I can’t let myself fall asleep and be vulnerable.

“And do what?” I say coldly, shutting down once again.

His demeanor shifts, too. His body stiffens and he clenches his fists. I know he’s not angry, just bothered by my reaction. Or maybe he’s nervous. “Sleep.” He fishes out a lighter from his jeans’ pocket and plays with it, his long and strong looking fingers swallowing the little thing in them. “Look, I don’t want to go back to my place and be alone. I don’t feel that good after ... you know? I’m sure you’re not feeling that well either, so why can’t we just be together and sleep?”

“Because I can’t fall asleep with you in my bed, Duke!” I yell suddenly, tears falling down and disappearing on my sweater after trailing down my exposed neck. I’m breaking down. It’s sudden, it’s devastating, and someone is there to witness it. A sob shakes me from head to toe.

His eyes widen, letting me know how confused and lost he is. He doesn’t know what to do or say and I don’t either. I put my hands to my face, hiding behind them. My thin fingers tighten on my hairline, almost painfully so. I bite my tongue so as not to make any sound. The pain in my heart is tearing me apart, pulling me down.

“Skye, listen to me,” he says softly, trying to soothe me with his deep voice, but failing when a new sob shakes me again. God, I can’t take this anymore. I just want it to stop. I want everything to stop. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. “I’m going to hug you and you’re going to try to relax.”

I shake my head no, pulling my hands away and letting him see my flushed face so damp from all the tears that I can’t stop. His jaw tenses but he doesn’t step away. No, instead he walks to me and very slowly pulls me against his chest, my head resting where his heart is beating loudly and too fast. His hands are lightly touching my back, making small circles to try and soothe me.

I’m so tense that all my muscles are hurting me, but my tears stop abruptly, letting me gasp for air. His hard body feels foreign against mine. He hugs me in a way that makes me feel like he’s about to swallow me whole. And here I am, bawling like a baby, feeling a mixture of fear but also security. I have my answer, right now.

“I trust you,” I stutter weakly. I can’t bring myself to hug him back, even if, somewhere deep inside of me, I want to.

He sighs and I hear his heart slowing down, returning to his steady and calm beating. He squeezes me and pulls away, bringing back the coldness I live with every day. I shiver. Quickly, I dry my face with my shaking hands and walk to my bed. I lay down facing the wall and leave some space for him to climb in. I don’t think anymore. I keep in mind how secure I just felt in his arms.

Slowly, almost waiting for me to change my mind, he lies beside me, his chest touching my back, his thighs touching the back of my legs. Then, he sighs and puts one of his long, muscled arms around my waist, his hand clasping both of mine. He’s spooning me in my bed and my heart and stomach are doing weird things. But I don’t feel as afraid as I should. Granted, a huge part of me wants to bolt, but everything feels different. I know he’s not going to hurt me, and not everyone is like Sean. I know that for now I can have confidence in Duke because he’s too shaken by his confession about his girlfriend to think about anything else and that’s why I push away my fear and force my body to relax.

“Thank you for this, Skye. I know it’s hard for you,” he whispers in my ear, his breath making the skin on my neck tingle. I’m itching to let my hair fall free to cover my skin, but I can’t move. Well, I don’t really want to because I know I won’t be able to go back to my bed with him like that.

“Tell me the truth, Duke. You know what happened to me, right?”

I have no more tears left. It’s useless to cry, it’s useless to have any pretenses now. There are too many giveaways of what happened with Sean for Duke to ignore. He’s a smart guy. I can fool other people, even the closest ones to me, but I can’t fool him.