Passion (12 page)

Carrie

I waited with bated breath to
see what he would do, like Bambi caught in the headlights. He took one step
towards us before turning on his heel and walking back the way he came.

“Fuck, I’ll see you later B keep your chin up.” Matthew turned to
the table closest to mine.

“Any of you fucks mess with her and I’ll fuck your shit up.”

I didn’t hang around too much longer after that, paying my bill
and heading home.

There was a car behind me the whole way but I couldn’t make out
who it was because they kept a distance between us. When I pulled onto my
street the car stayed at the end until I went inside. Strange.

Michael was there on the couch with beer in hand watching some
game on TV.

“Out with Joshua tonight?” “Uh, no, Uhm.....” I wanted him to stop
asking me about Joshua but I didn’t want to get into a big discussion with him
about what had happened.

“Joshua and I are cooling things off for a little bit dad.”

I looked at the TV so he wouldn’t see the sadness in my eyes.

From the side of my eye I could see that he was studying
me...enough of this shit.

“I have some reading to catch up on so I’ll see you in the
morning.” I rushed up the stairs and got ready for bed. All of a sudden I had
no energy.

I counted back to the last time I ate and I think it had been more
than two weeks since I’d eaten a full meal, but the thought of putting food in
my mouth made me sick to my stomach.

The next morning I tried to
get excited about dressing for school but my heart just wasn’t in it, of course
I still had my full armor on, but I wasn’t feeling it the way I was supposed
to.

In the halls I found myself wishing people would just ignore me as
opposed to my usual wanting to confront them head on.

This went on for a week, a week in which I never saw Joshua
Steele, oh he was there, I heard the whispers, but by some miracle I never ran
into him, not even in the cafeteria where the rest of his family still ate
lunch. Where was he?

“Carrie are you ill?”

“What...no, why?”

“You’ve lost a lotta weight, you sure you’re okay, you need a
doctor?”

“No dad I’ve just not been very hungry lately, I’m feeling kinda
tired I think I’ll go to bed early.”

I went up the stairs and flopped onto the bed in my clothes, this
was so not me, the real me was inside jumping up and down screaming at me to
snap out of it, I just didn’t have the strength.

Josh

The Captain was downstairs, I
have no idea what he could possibly want with me, I had nothing for him. I
walked down the stairs already pissed off, whatever he had to say I was pretty
sure I didn’t give a fuck.

“Captain Sterling.” His body twitched slightly at the greeting, up
until now I’d called him Captain or Michael, friendlier too.

“Joshua, can I talk to you for a minute?”

My family was all in the front hall watching this interaction.

“Captain is my son in some sort of trouble?”

“No, no, no Dr. Steele, it’s something of a personal matter,
nothing to worry about I promise.”

“Okay then, why don’t you go on back to my study Joshua will show
you the way. Son, I’m here.”

“I’m good dad.”

I led the way to my father’s study with the Captain on my heels.

“What can I do for you Captain?”

“What did you do to my daughter?”

“Who would that be?”

“Who.....Carissa of course.” He looked perplexed.

“I know no one by that name.”

“You..., what the hell is going on, is this about Thanksgiving?
She just wanted to go see her mother for the holiday.” He looked confused as
hell.

Looks like he really believed that shit too.

“Captain Sterling I’m sorry you came all the way out here for
nothing, I can’t help you.”

“Do you know I went back in my mind to the last time I saw my
child eat and it’s been over a few weeks, have you seen her? She looks like hell;
the girl’s lost almost fifteen pounds in two weeks, what the hell happened
between you two?”

I didn’t answer; I’d said all I was going to to him.

He stayed there for another five minutes waiting me out, but
nothing.

“Damn son, where did you learn to be that cold? Maybe it’s good
that you’re no longer in her life, she’s had enough bullshit to deal with
already.”

He left after that pithy remark; I guess that was supposed to make
me feel bad. It didn’t.

She fucked up, she had a play
and she made the wrong move, if I’d been too hard on her I would’ve known, I
know her limits even better than she does, this wasn’t about me whipping and
fucking her in the fucking woods, this was about her power plays, her need to
control everything out of fear, her need to prove that she’s tough. 

She learned some fucked up shit from her life with her mother,
there’s no trust in her, no balance. She runs away from life when she should
stand up and fight, but she sees it as her being tough.

She thinks I’m possessive and controlling, yes the fuck I am so
the fuck what. I’m not gonna change that shit, I like who I am, Carissa’s
problem is that she hates herself and she doesn’t even know it.

She
knew the rules I never lied to her, I’d told her time and again, If she keeps
fucking up she’d bear the consequences, that’s who I am, apparently she can’t
deal with who I am so.......so be it.

At lunch the next day I went
to the room I’d been sneaking off to every afternoon now, the music room. I sat
down at the piano and started to play, it’s a song I’d started for Carrie why
the fuck I was playing that shit now was beyond me.

I’m not a fool, I know myself, I know there’s no way in hell that
I’ll ever let her go, but I won’t play her game.

It wasn’t so much the fact that she went to see her mother that
pissed me off, yes that was part of it, but that I could’ve dealt with, it was
the way she did that shit.

To have me leave her bed expecting one thing only to be blindsided
by another was too fucked up for words, and when I dug into her computer and
found out that she’d had the tickets since the day after our little
skirmish...no words.

She’d smiled in my fucking face; let me into her body and all the
while she knew she would do this.

There’s no amount of spanking in the world to bring her as low as
she brought me.

Carrie

I’m lost, I know it, I can
feel it, but I can’t seem to bring myself back. My dad’s been acting a little
strange like watching me while I eat which is barely anything and hardly ever.

I just walk through my days now, not really paying attention to
what’s going on around me, my teachers have started to grumble about missed
assignments, I have to be more focused.

 Today
I almost left the house in my pajamas, my hair was a mess, had I not taken a
look in the rear view mirror I would’ve been mortified.

I’m at my locker and this
jerk off Rodney Dyson is making an ass of himself.

“So since Steele doesn’t want you anymore does that mean I can hit
it? I don’t mind sloppy seconds but could we do it sometime soon because you’re
beginning to look like shit.”

There was a lot of laughter following that remark.

I just stood there, not because I was afraid of him or his words,
but because I just didn’t care.

He walked back over to me egged on by his friends.

“So what do you say Carrie, you’re not so high and mighty now are
you, not since the Steeles ditched your ass, so how about we go behind the
bleachers and fuck?”

Joshua came out of nowhere and grabbed Rodney by his throat,
picking him up he slammed him into the lockers. Without one word he just stared
into his eyes until Rodney was kicking his legs and trying to pull Joshua’s
hand away while fighting for breath.

With a flick of his wrist he threw Rodney to the floor and walked
away.

Not...one...word. Fuck he really is one fuck hot crazy ass
motherfucker.

Vanessa came over to me and put her arms around me, but something
inside me had snapped.

Shrugging
her hand away I went back out the doors and headed for my truck.

I spent the whole day out on
the cliffs at Dormer’s Beach just thinking, trying to put things into
perspective.

I started at the beginning, no, not mine and Joshua’s, but mine
and my parents. Especially Michael, we’d had a fine relationship before the divorce
that I remember kinda, then one day he was just not there and I was in a new
place with Paula as my sole provider.

I had to learn real quick how to fend for myself, how to dodge the
octopus like hands of the different men she brought home. How to move from
place to place when she ran out of money.

I watched her use and be used by everyone in her life.

I remember being left alone. A lot.

I
remember needing to be held and getting a yelling at or a beating for being a
whiny brat instead.

Tears rolled down my cheeks
as I recalled my horrible childhood. I saw myself as I was now, always
expecting the worst, always having to be in control, always having to prove
myself.

It made me tired.

I tried to shy away from thoughts of Joshua but that was too hard,
I missed him so much it hurt.

I rewound our time together in my head and my heart as the waves
crashed against the rocks below.

Josh

I’m going to pound the ever
living shit out of Rodney Dyson’s ass as soon as he comes through those doors.
Fucking douche put his hands on what’s mine.

I knew when I turned the corner and saw the crowd gathered there
that she was somehow involved and when I’d heard the shit he was saying to
her....let’s just say that if Matt hadn’t pulled me back I would’ve really hurt
the fuck.

He’s lucky I was cooled down by the time I got my fucking hands on
him. And why the fuck was she just standing there taking that shit anyway?

Where
was the foul mouthed bad ass that was always ready to tear me a new one?

“Josh let’s go.”

“No.”

“Come on lil bro, he’s not worth it.”

“Did you see her face, see looked fucking broken.”

“I’m sorry to tell you this bro but Dyson didn’t do that to her.”

I looked at him; I knew what he was saying.

“I don’t know what happened between you two, you never said but I
know it had to be bad, I’m your big brother, I’m with you all the way, but bro,
if you feel for this girl what I know you do, you gotta end this shit. Dyson’s
just the first of many have you thought of that, have you thought of her moving
on and being with some other guy.....?”

I had him by the front of his shirt ready to pound the shit out of
him before I knew what I was doing.

“See what I mean, what the fuck do you think’s gonna happen if you
let this go on, did you see her bro, have you taken a look at her lately, no?
You’re too busy hiding away from her to punish her for what I don’t know, but
bro, I always expected better of you. This is not the man I thought you would
be.”

He turned and walked away and got into his car. That bitch Patti
was smirking at me. She’s been very happy lately with Carrie out of the
picture.

That burned my ass too.  I saw Dyson come out the door with his
posse and walked toward them, separating him from his boys with a hand in his
chest, I pushed him back against the wall.

“You ever go near what’s mine again, you’ll disappear.”

I
left him there and got into my car, Matthew was right he wasn’t worth it.

I had a lot to think about, I’m
not a total asshole, well not all the time, but I had seen her today for the
first time since she’d been back, I mean really looked at her and my baby was
almost emaciated. That wasn’t one of the consequences I had in mind.

Fuck
what the fuck did she want from me?

Someone was here, I could
feel it the moment they entered the room.

“How the fuck did you get in here?”

The shadow moved but said nothing, the hairs on my body stood on
alert so I knew instinctively who my visitor was but did not let on.

“I came to take back what’s mine.”

Josh

I didn’t say anything at
first, my heart raced in my chest, I was still mad and yes a little hurt, but I
couldn’t turn love away like that, not anymore.

After my soul searching I’d made some decisions.

“Can you........”

There was a thud and I was off the bed in a flash.

“Carrie......”

I picked her up and started running, fucking shit she was light as
a fucking feather what the fuck had she done to herself?

I ran all the way to my parent’s wing of the house and barely felt
her in my arms.

“Dad.”

He came out of the room tying his robe around his waist.

“Joshua, what’s going on...is that Carrie?”

“Help her, help us please.....”

“Give her to me son...shit, what the hell happened to her?”

“Her father said she hasn’t been eating.”

“For how long?”

He moved quickly towards the stairs.

“More than two weeks.”

“What?”

The others must’ve heard the commotion because they all came
running.

“How did she get here?”

“She drove half way but then her truck broke down and she walked
the rest of the way....I’m sorry Joshua but I had to let her in.” Vanessa was
wringing her hands and crying.

“It’s okay sis, I’m not mad at you.”

“We
have to get her to the hospital, she needs a drip stat.”

I followed him out the door
as he headed for his car with the others behind us in their pajamas.

I held her in my lap in the backseat, looking at her for the first
time.

Her eyes were sunken pools in her head; her cheek bones were so
prominent there was hardly any flesh there.

I was afraid to lift her shirt to see beneath, I could feel
through the thin shirt she wore that she was just a shadow of the girl she’d
been a month ago.

Her breathing was sporadic and labored.

I couldn’t think, why couldn’t I think.

“Dad?” My voice sounded foreign even to my ears.

“We’re almost there son hold on, she’s going to be okay, you just
hold on.”

I held on long enough to make it to the hospital, to watch them
work on her. Thank God she’d only fainted.

Dad saw to it that she was hooked up to an IV and settled in a
private room.

Somewhere around the time mom was calling the Captain I was no longer
there. I could feel myself breathing; I could hear the hustle and bustle of
movement around me but I couldn’t feel, couldn’t move.

“Joshua, Joshua, son can you hear me?”

“What’s wrong with him, dad?”

“Wait a minute Matt......”

“Get a room ready for my son....now.”

“You kids start talking....now, what the hell is going on with
these two, I know my son would never take drugs so what the hell is this? He’s
fucking catatonic.”

I could hear all of this but couldn’t respond, why couldn’t I
respond?

“They broke up dad, or had a falling out.”

“And.....”

“That’s really all we know dad, Vanessa and I tried getting Joshua
to talk about it but you know how he is, he shut down. Just stopped even
mentioning her name, it was like she never existed or something, you know he
gets like that dad, we tried to bring him around but....”

“And Carrie, why didn’t either of you notice that she was wasting
away, all this time your mother and I thought that Joshua was spending more
time at her house with her dad, you mean to tell me that he was home all that
time?”

“Yeah, he stayed in his rooms.....”

“You still haven’t told me why you or your sister didn’t notice
that she was sick.”

“Because we weren’t talking to her either, I mean I saw her, after
a while I noticed the weight loss, I even mentioned it to Joshua but I had no
idea it would be this bad, I mean Patti goes for days without eating and
nothing like this has ever happened.”

“That’s because Patti is a .......”

“Margaret....”

“So let me get this straight, Joshua broke up with her and you
guys went into family mode and cut her off too, but you missed a step
there.....she’s family too, you fucked up, all of you.”

“Dad....”

“No Matt, how many girls have your brother brought home?”

“One.”

“What does that say to you, how did he introduce Carrie to us,
before we even met her, what did he say to us?”

“He said he’d met his mate.”

“You know your brother, you know if he said that he meant it, it
doesn’t matter that something happened to come between them for a moment, you
know how he is...she’s family and you fucked up.”

“I know dad and I tried to talk to him, we both did...Nessa stop
crying.”

“I
don’t think I’ve ever been this disappointed in you lot before.”

They left the room and it
went silent.

 No come back, take me to Carrie, please.....

 I
felt the wetness of tears on my cheeks as I tried to hold a thought. I was dead
inside, that’s it, I’d died but was still breathing.