Pancakes Taste Like Poverty: And Other Post-Divorce Revelations (28 page)

I'm crestfallen.

There is no other word.

So now the money I was going to spend on
Christmas presents is just going to college applications and
transcripts.
The kids' gifts are covered by my family and they
already knew mommy couldn't get them anything and assumed Daddy
wouldn't.

The reason I'd only applied to one school was
because I could only
afford
to apply to one. When you have
no income, no alimony and no child support - $50 is a lot of money.

I have an ice pick in my chest - the stress
has a distinct feeling.

I am in a panic.

I just really don't have the
time
to wait
another semester to start school.

Like I said, I'm already more than halfway done
with the child raising.

So I finally get my shit together when she's an
adult? What good is that?

I need this piece of paper
YESTERDAY
.

I know I screwed up.

I should never have moved to Tampa. I sure as
shit should have never spoken to him.
I picked a terrible
husband. I shoulda just stayed in school. I know I know I know...

But I
didn't.

And I feel like I'm cleaning up my act.

I have completely devoted myself to my children.
I'm not one of those moms still chasin' fairies in the field.
Party
time is over... has
been
over...

I dove right in to parenthood and never looked
back.

When I got divorced I didn't wipe my tears with
someone's penis.

My one and
only
goal is being a
contributing member of society for my children.

Dating and sex really don't factor in to that
plan and, therefore, are a waste of my time.

I cannot
possibly
be more focused on
bettering myself.

SO...

WHAT IS THIS SHIT, UNIVERSE!?!?!??!

Do NOT do this to me right now.

Do. Fucking. NOT.

Universe, if you were a person I would grab you
by your throat and snarl right in your face and tell you straight up:

"I am NOT the one to mess with right now.
You get back in line and you do what I need you to do. Period."

But the Universe is not a person so the rage
coursing through my veins has nothing to do but make my chest hurt
and make my throat close and give me a headache.

I have two kids to look after tonight so I can't
go on a bender. I don't do drugs. I am sick to death of eating my
feelings. So I just have to sit here and BE angry and heartbroken.

I find this to be an inconvenience.

I know I'll get through this because, let me tell
you, I am fueled by pure rage now.

RAGE.

How DARE the Universe slow me down? I don't know
who the Universe thinks he is.

I need a bat.

I need a bat and a room full of fine china.

I want to TEAR something APART right now.

And I want to rage cry.

Actually, I know exactly what I want to do. I
want to take a bat to my CAR which is leaking transmission fluid all
over Mobile, Alabama every time I leave my house...

So I don't leave my house...

So add a little cabin fever to that rage and you
got me right now, nostrils flared, eyes wild and hungry for blood.

You hear that, Universe? You messed with the
wrong one, today. I know I messed up and you proved your point. But
"Jessica Vivian" is NOT going down as a cautionary tale,
you hear me?

That was the married Jessica with no spine.
Jessica
Vivian
is back....

I don't think you understand.

Jessica Vivian has giant, stainless steel balls.
And Jessica Vivian don't take no shit. And Jessica Vivian is
big-hearted and patient but nooooo one wants to get on Jessica
Vivian's bad side.

And now, Universe, you just made yourself an
enemy. You think you can slow me down with this college rejection
trick?

You. Fucking. Watch. Me.

"Jessica Vivian" is the machete
mama.
I'm trying to show all the single mamas that it doesn't
matter how long it's been, how many babies they got, how beat down
they were –
no one
and
nothing
can take their
dreams away without their permission.

My dreams ain't budging so you get on board,
Universe, or we are gonna have some serious problems.

I'm gonna sell all this crap I got lying around
and I'm gonna CLEP outta some classes because I'm fucking brilliant,
maybe you forgot. I'm gonna be in class by midterm this Spring. I'm
going
to get my education and I am
going
abroad. Deal.
With. That.

J. Viv, out.

*mic drop*

Christmas
Doctor Who Seafood

Christmas
was good. We had a bunch of seafood because something about
Jesus...
I don't remember what the tie-in was. I just planted
myself in front of the snow crab legs and ate my pain.
We had a
Doctor Who themed Christmas tree with a weeping angel tree-topper.
For those who do not speak Whovian, it's a statue of an angel that
moves when you blink or look away. If it catches up to you it could
kill you or zap you back in time and steal your energy or something
like that.
Y'know, spirit of Christmas.
Sword

The post where I get New Age on you but trust me,
it's worth it.
So, as you know I experienced a pretty weighty
setback recently.

Being denied to this school was aggressively
painful because, as I said in the post, to get tripped up at the
beginning of the race just seriously stung. I could taste the mud.

And someone once told me that anger is pain
turned inside out.

And I was angry.

I was trembling angry and all I could think about
was getting a bat and smashing everything. And swearing loudly

Every time I closed my eyes I saw hot, burning
anger and me – engulfed in flames – eyes wild and holding
a bat looking frantically for something to hit.
It was fuel.

I could feel myself becoming addicted to it.

The anger, I felt, was what was going to help me
move forward.

But I knew that throwing my anger at the Universe
would eventually catch the eye of my step-mom and "spirit guide"
and sure enough, bright and early this morning, I got a phone call.

I almost didn't answer because I knew what was
coming and frankly, I didn't want to go there.

I wanted to hold on to the rage fire. It was the
only fuel available and I feared that if I wasn't angry, I wouldn't
be productive.

But I picked up the phone.

Allow me to detour for a moment because
I want to talk about what
I
think a consciousness shift is.

I think people only hold on to thoughts and
habits that work for them – even destructive, harmful thoughts
and habits. It depends on your "agenda."

If your "agenda" is to avoid emotional
pain then you may self-harm in physical ways that help detour that
pent up energy but also distract you from feeling your feelings.
Because the worst thing you can imagine experiencing is your
feelings.

You get it?

For example, someone who smokes knows the data.
They know it's bad for them. They may even want to quit. But if, in
the moment, their stress level goes beyond their coping strategy the
only agenda is “relieve stress” and all that knowledge
doesn't matter. It's time for a smoke.
A shift in consciousness
happens when your agenda dies and "the tape" stops playing.

It's that one day the smoker says “the
stress won't kill me, I can manage it.” And they do, and they
can.
Those harmful habits and coping methods are kinda like
walking around in full rain gear just in case it rains. But it's
sunny out.

What happens if you peek out from under your
umbrella and notice the sun? Suddenly, that snow gear feels silly and
useless and burdensome.

You immediately shed that protective wear and it
seems ridiculous that you
ever
walked around in rain clothes
just
expecting
it to rain!

Got it?
Ok, back to rage fire.

So, I can tell that despite my terseness and
tight throat she is going to make me push through my feelings and
deal with what I am
really
angry at.

But I did
not
expect what actually
happened.

After pressing me to take some time to think
about what I thought "the Universe"
was
, so I could
more clearly examine where I was putting my anger she asked if we
could do a short grounding meditation exercise.

I said yes because I knew it wouldn't make things
worse
but I was in a crappy head space so I wasn't
particularly enthusiastic.

So the meditation begins and, having practiced
lucid dreaming for over a decade, I'm pretty good at getting into the
right space quickly.
As she's talking I see myself again, in my
mind...

Only this time, that bat is gone and has been
replaced by a sword. And this sword is particularly light. I've got
my hand in my pocket and I'm struttin' and whistling and twirling
that sword like Charlie Chaplin does his cane. My conscious mind
decides that "no! I liked the
rage
! I need the
rage
!"
and I try so hard to picture myself with that bat and that fire.

But I
can't
.

That image is just
dead
.

But the funny contrast between my two selves was
this:

Rage
Jess was holding the bat, looking
for something to hit.

Sword
Jess
knew
there was
nothing to hit
.
There
was no real threat. Nothing is
against
me.

As the meditation ended I was light as air and
genuinely could do little other than laugh.

Everything was so clear and so obvious.

It was no wonder my darkest day was on the Winter
Solstice. The longest night and ancient symbol of death and shedding.
I shouted it in my previous post before I even realized what I'd
said.

The married Jessica is dead!
The old me is
dead – the me that would have just laid down and given up, that
needed someone or something to blame.

And, coincidentally, an acquaintance asked if she
could do a Goddess Card reading a few weeks ago,

Okay, I do not know what this means but it seemed
fun...like something we'd do at a slumber party in 10th grade because
we watched The Craft and wanted to be all ethereal.

This woman doesn't really know me and doesn't
read my blog so she knows little about me.

The reading was encouraging. She said a lot of
things that I needed to hear (kinda like when Neo visited the Oracle
in The Matrix and HE said "I'm not the one" and she said
"maybe next lifetime" and then he died but Trinity brought
him back and then he realized Yes I AM the one so really she just
said what needed to be said to put the right things in motion!) but
she said one particular thing that really, really stuck.

She said:

"You've done a lot of intellectual and
spiritual growth in the last few years but it feels burdensome to
you. You don't know what to do with it. You seem to think it's
creating conflict between yourself and others and you use your
intellect and spirituality to separate yourself from the world. It's
just this heavy thing you carry around but you don't realize that it
is a tool, like a sword. You can be decisive and sharp. One day,
you'll decide to pick it up."

I said, "Yeah like Alice slaying the
jabberwocky."

And she said, "Yes but there is no
jabberwocky."

Neo like a muhfuggah!

I get it. I get it deep, deep down. I've got a
sword but I am
not
at war. The Universe is not
against
me, no need to shake my fist at it. That rant I went on last week?
That was just my “Lieutenant Dan” moment. Now, I'm as
calm as a cow.

My stepmom left me with another truth:

"Keep the goal steady, but be like water
toward the path. When water meets a stone in the river, it flows
around it and keeps moving."

Yes, my whole family is deep like that.

Going to college is my only goal. I am really
unwilling to entertain anything else right now. I have no plan B. My
focus is eagle-sharp.

So maybe that particular school was not the way.
Maybe it's the right school and the wrong
time
. Who knows?

But what I do know is that rage is not the way.
Guilt

So,
my youngest child is exhausting.
It feels like I cannot possibly
make her happy. Nothing is enough. If we go swimming and get a treat
she's mad that we didn't have time to go to the park, too.
The
other kids get short with her for being ungrateful but I thought back
to the situation with Jack and wondered if
this
was my fault...again.
I noticed that, with her more than my other
kids, if she's upset I try to placate her quickly. I don't like when
she was upset. I give in and resent her for being so powerful.
The
only other person who made me feel that way was her father.
Uh
oh...
Here we go again.
I don't want to
create
an entitled person who is incapable of being satisfied.
The
older two aren't like this so what is different with
her
?
Why are my boundaries so flexible with
just
her?

When
I swear that she can't have ice cream, I bend a few hours later.
But
why only with this child?
I realized that, subconsciously, I was
guilt parenting.
The two older kids had a better recollection of
what it was like when my ex and I were together. Jaya still says that
“lasagna tastes like resentment” because of all the
passive aggression that would be in the air at family gatherings when
we lived in Tampa. She still won't eat it. Or chili for the same
reason.
But Jordis was so young when we split she doesn't
remember
any discomfort. And that makes me feel like I
took
something from her. And treat her as such.
When Jaya was her age
she was doing laundry, unloading dishes, keeping her hair brushed on
her own, bathing regularly without me asking, doing her homework,
reading for pleasure.
Jordis is not doing any of these things.
And why
should
she? The older ones do it for her.
Yeah, this isn't working.