Paladin (Graven Gods 1) (24 page)

The boy smiled a little wanly, and my heart ached for him. “Yeah, thanks.”

“That child is going to need some therapy,” Calliope murmured as she stroked around my ankles.

I bent and picked her up, the better to talk more privately. “But it’s not like Dave can just go to a therapist. How the hell would he talk about any of this without revealing too much?”

“There’s a goddess of mental healing he could go to in Charlotte,” Calliope said thoughtfully. “I’ll give Reyna-Joey’s number to Jennifer, suggest she give her a call. Reyna’s pretty good with this kind of thing.”

While we’d been talking, the avatars and Demis all started for the warehouse exit, laughing and exchanging cheerful insults. The humor sounded a little strained, as if they were working a little bit too hard at it. The rest of us trailed after them.

Tonight had shaken up even the most powerful avatars. They might be no stranger to magical war, but this had been something else again.

I was acutely aware of Paladin walking beside me. This time he was actually
there
, not just an illusion he’d created in my mind. The thought made me oddly nervous, in part because I had no idea where we stood. Was he coming back to me? And if not, what did that mean for our relationship?

Did we even have one? Or was that an illusion too?

As we left the warehouse, Ulf-Mark asked, “Want me to give you three a ride home?”

That’s right, we’d come in his black moving violation. I slanted him a look. “Thanks. I’m not exactly in the mood for that long a walk.”

“You’re not the only one. I’m fried.” He rubbed the back of his neck as if it ached.

In deference to Paladin’s long legs, I took the back seat with Calliope in my lap. Ulf-Mark started the car and pulled out.

It was well after midnight and traffic was light, particularly in this part of town. We all sat there in battered silence, too exhausted for casual chat.

I stared at Paladin’s profile as he sat in the front seat. For a man who’d just defeated his worst enemy, he looked sick, almost defeated. Ulf-Mark asked the question I didn’t quite have the guts for. “So when are you going to fry that piece of meat you’re in and go back to Summer?”

“I’m not.” Paladin’s tone was completely flat, inviting no argument.

I stared at him in shock, feeling my heart sink. I knew that tone. He meant it. What had I done?

“Why the hell not?” Ulf-Mark sounded pissed. “I know Summer’s not the problem. She did a good job tonight. If not for her giving you the chance to escape…”

Paladin managed a tight, unconvincing smile. “Summer is definitely not the issue. You’re right -- she pulled a complete disaster right out of the fire after we got ourselves captured. She’s smart, talented, and didn’t panic even in the face of a very ugly situation.”

“But if you refuse to go back to her, the Demimonde is going to think it’s because of her.” Rising, Calliope balanced on my thighs, ears flattened and tail lashing. “Particularly given that the body you’re occupying is so much less talented than she is. If you don’t go back to her, people are going to think it’s because there’s something seriously wrong with her. You know how the gossip mill works. It would be the social kiss of death.”

Judging from the fuming glare Ulf-Mark sent Paladin, he agreed with the cat. “You can’t do that to her, pal. She deserves better.”

Normally, that would be my cue to wade in and stand up for myself. Unfortunately, I felt so sick and bewildered I couldn’t seem to get my thoughts together enough to marshal an argument.

He doesn’t want me anymore
.

A muscle rolled in Paladin’s jaw. “What Summer deserves is a chance to choose whether to be my host. Twelve years ago, Barbara and I made the decision for her. She never got the chance to say no. Yes, the body I’m in isn’t as talented as she is, but I still have a hell of a lot of power, and I can work with it. As for the rest of the Demimonde, it’s none of their damned business.”

“But I do want to be your host,” I objected, feeling lost and desperate.

He turned to look at me over his shoulder. “How do you know? You have no experience of life without me. Most avatars are at least in their mid-twenties when they become hosts. They have a solid sense of identity. You’ve shared your head with me since you were twelve.”

“Paladin, up until three days ago I thought you were my imaginary friend. I know exactly who I am, and I know who you are. I want to be your host.” My stomach clenched in anxiety, and it was all I could do not to beg. I needed him in my life.

Which is when it hit me --
I loved him
. My feelings had nothing to do with the almost filial attitude avatars usually maintained toward their gods.

I was in love with him. Had been for a very long time.

“I’m sure your reasons are noble. There’s a reason we call you Paladin,” Calliope rumbled in the low growl that meant she was seriously pissed. “But the gossip is going to be vicious. Everyone will believe Summer was somehow responsible for your being captured, either through incompetence or cowardice. They’ll think you saw an opportunity to get away from Summer and took it.”

He gave her a cool glare. “Then I’ll make it clear to everyone that she’s not the one at fault.”

“And they’ll all believe you’re just being chivalrous and trying to protect her reputation. Which again will make them think there’s something wrong with her.”

“Look, I never said I wouldn’t work with her,” Paladin said impatiently. “I’d hardly be partners with her if she were cowardly or stupid. Yeah, the Demimonde probably
will
gossip about us for a while, but when they see how Summer handles herself, they’ll realize just how able she is.”

Ulf-Mark looked no happier. “Paladin, you need to consider what this will do to Summer’s marriage prospects. Avatars want to marry other avatars so their children will inherit their gods. You know as well as I do, if you’ve got two kids and only one god, there’s going to be really ugly friction in the family.” Which was the reason avatar families rarely had more than two children. Demi family dynamics could get seriously fucked up.

Now that I’d recovered my memory, I suddenly understood what had driven my aunt’s decision to leave Graven. My grandfather had been an avatar, but my grandmother had not, so there’d been no god for Mary to inherit. Though she was older, Paladin had picked my mother to inhabit.

Mary had loved Mom, but she’d also felt inferior because Paladin had not chosen her. That was why my aunt had left Graven and moved to Charlotte, fallen in love with Bob, and left the Demimonde. Until she’d had to take me in, and found herself raising an Avatar. What was worse, Paladin ordered her to keep me in the dark, just like Jennifer Stone. She’d had to spend my childhood lying to me.

Suddenly I understood just how rejected Mary must have felt.

Shit
.

“The marriage issue is not going to be a problem,” Paladin said flatly. “And again, it’s none of their business.” His tone implied it was none of Ulf-Mark’s either.

“Maybe not, but I was her father’s god, and it is mine.” He shot Paladin a glare. “You know I love Summer…”

Oh, God, here it comes
.

“Her bloodlines are excellent, and she’s got talent and guts,” Ulf-Mark continued. “But if you decide not to go back to her, I’ll be unable to give my blessing to a union between her and Mark. I’ve seen what happens to families with two kids and one god, and it’s not pretty. Mark wants two children, and your choice means he’s going to have to marry someone other than Summer to get them.”

I stared at the back of his head, feeling my eyes sting. “You don’t think I’m good enough for Mark?”

“Of course you’re good enough,” Paladin snapped, glaring at his old friend. “But for the record, that invitation of Mark’s to take her to dinner? The date’s off.”

That’s right, Mark had asked me out just before the shit hit the fan.

“You’re not the one he asked out,” I said, with what dignity I could muster.

“Uhhhhhh,” Mark said. I knew it was him because his voice went up. I also knew he wanted to rescind the invitation, but was too much of a gentleman to do it.

“Don’t worry about it, Mark,” I said, pulling my shoulders straight as my cheeks went hot. “I don’t really like Olivier’s that much anyway.” Which was a blatant lie, but the best excuse I could come up with at the moment.

“Assholes,” Calliope muttered, and turned to give my chin a butting stroke with her head by way of comfort. “They’re both idiots. Ignore them.” She said it loud enough to make sure they heard her.

I cuddled her warm, furry body, and turned to look out the window at the passing city, blinking my stinging eyes hard.

A hostile silence fell over the car and lasted the rest of the way home.

We pulled into the driveway, and I got out, Calliope leaping to the ground ahead of me. She gave way grudgingly as Ulf-Mark slid out and moved around to meet me.

To my surprise, he pulled my stiff body into his arms for a hug. “I do love you, child. And I am sorry. We both owe you a great debt.” He pulled back to give me a searching look. “If you’d like my help finding another god, I have connections in other cities. You’d make someone a fine avatar.”

“But you still don’t want Mark dating me,” I said a little bitterly.

He winced. “Once you’re an avatar again, the two of you would make a wonderful match. Your bloodlines are impeccable, and you’re a wonderful woman. I’ve always seen you as my own child. But I have a responsibility to Mark and his children…”

I forced a smile. “I understand, Ulf. And I love you too.”

Paladin had moved around the car and was standing at my shoulder, glowering. “If she wants another god, I’ll find her one.”

Ulf-Mark growled a low curse. “I have no idea what you’re thinking, Paladin, but you need to pull your head out of your ass. Thank you for saving my life, but if you hurt this child, I’ll make you regret it.”

“Damn it, Ulf, you’re the one who just hurt her!”

He made no answer, just sliding back into the car and closing the door hard enough to communicate his temper with its heavy metal
thump
. We stepped back as he threw the Mustang in reverse and pulled out. His tires didn’t squeal, but they did chirp a little.

“That prick isn’t good enough for you anyway,” Paladin growled. I wasn’t sure whether he was talking about Ulf or Mark or both of them, but he was definitely pissed off at somebody.

But then, I wasn’t exactly thrilled with him either.

“Let’s get inside,” Calliope said, trotting toward the garage door. “I’d rather not entertain the neighbors.”

I followed her, trying to ignore the way Paladin followed in that sensual stalk.

No sooner had we stepped inside than a big hand wrapped around my wrist, and he pulled me around. And I was in his arms. His mouth covered mine in a kiss that was hot and wet and possessive. For a heartbeat, I stood stiff, resistant. His hands cradled my face, thumbs stroking my cheeks in a silent plea for understanding. I was suddenly acutely aware of his size and strength against me, the hard rise and fall of his chest as he breathed, the bunch of working muscles and tendons in his forearms as he stroked me. For once, he wasn’t hard.

Not at first, anyway. He hardened as we stood there, and I felt the length and thickness of his cock against my belly. His lips suckled mine, his teeth catching my lower lip to give it a gentle tug. “I love you,” he whispered against my mouth, the sound ragged. “I need you.”

Elder gods help me, but I could resist anything except Paladin’s need.

And he did need me. It was there in the way he held my face, the stroke and swirl of his tongue. So familiar, and yet… not. Each seductive gesture was a little too fast, a little too clumsy, nothing at all like his usual smooth skill.

Something was wrong with Paladin. I had an ugly feeling I knew what it was. It was there in the dark, boiling magic that surrounded him, in the glow of his power tattoos.

I remembered all those little stones he took to be cleansed, each one an acolyte of Valak’s, a repository for their evil. He’d just taken on a hundred of them, not to mention the dark god’s polluted magic.

What was it doing to him?

Knowing it was a really bad idea, I melted against him anyway.

Despite my common sense, my justified anger, even my instinct for self-preservation, I had to give him what he needed.

Especially if what he needed was me.

He jolted back and swore. I jumped back and followed his gaze down to Calliope, who sat at our feet, ears laid flat. She gripped his shin, which she had apparently just laid open with her claws.

“Damn it, cat!” Paladin snapped. “What was that for?

“You’re being a complete pig,” she snapped back. “Summer saved your life, and you’re humiliating her!”

“I’ll tell you the same thing I told Ulf. This isn’t your business.”

“The hell it’s not! If you think I’m going to stand back and let you treat her like a piece of ass, you don’t know me very well.”

Her fierce support gave me a warm feeling, but I also knew this was a situation I needed to handle myself. “Cal, we need to discuss this in private.”

“He’s just going to bulldoze over you like the dominant son of a bitch he is. I’m damned if I’m going to stand back and…”

“Calliope, please.” My eyes stung. I swiped a hand over them.

The cat’s tail dipped, and her flattened ears came up. “Baby…”

“Cal, let me talk to her alone. I swear I’m not going to make her do anything she doesn’t want to do.” The anger had leached out of his voice. He sounded strained, stretched to exhaustion.

“Fine,” Calliope growled. “But I swear, if you hurt her, I’m going to shred you into barbecue hash.” She turned and stalked out.

We looked at one another. The center of my chest ached and my face felt cold. “Paladin, what’s going on?”

He raked a hand through his hair and turned away to pace. As I’d thought, it wasn’t really seduction he had in mind. He just needed a distraction. He’d hoped to find it in my body, but a fight would also do. His laugh sounded ragged. “It seems I’ve bitten off more than I can chew.”