Pain Lived, Love Found 2 (10 page)

“You were a kid back then Sloane, and I didn’t want to burden Carly with my problems when she was still trying to deal with her own issues because of what our sperm donor did to her. I know internalizing it was the wrong thing to do, but I did what I felt was best, and it changed me forever.”

“The up and down with your weight, your hair falling out. You were depressed. You were depressed and suffering in silence and none of us even knew it,” Sloane said in disbelief, as fresh tears began to fall down her face. “I feel like shit now, Sarah. Excuse my French,” Sloane continued as she got up to get more tissue and handed some to me. “Thank you,” I said as I wiped my nose. “It’s not your fault, Sloane. I thought I was doing the right thing by keeping this to myself. I know all of you thought I was a hoe back then. I was still a virgin, Sloane, until that monster ripped that away from me. I was saving myself for marriage. I messed around with boys, but I never spread my legs for any of them. I used to believe in love and happily ever after, meeting and falling in love with the perfect man and getting married and having kids. After I was raped, I didn’t feel it was real anymore. It wasn’t meant for me to have that kind of happiness.”

“I’m so sorry, Sarah...we all thought, we all assumed. It was wrong of us to do that. You came home from school with hickies on your neck and Mama just knew you were having sex. She always said that hickies meant you had sex. When I found out you were messing around with my boyfriends, of course I thought you were nothing but a skank hoe. I couldn’t believe my own sister would do that to me. Then that stuff with our father…” Sloane trailed off.

“Speaking of him, we need to talk about that whole incident. I don’t know what Mama told you, Sloane, but it was not some ongoing affair like she thought. She only heard bits and pieces of our conversation, and what she heard was us arguing about what he tried to do, which by the way, I would never be so sick and demented to do with my own father.”

“Don’t tell me he tried to…with you…”

“He did. We were both getting high in the garage. We were doing all kinds of drugs, mixing things that I know we shouldn’t have mixed together, so I was completely out of it, and so was he. He started tickling me and then chased me into the house. I ran into his bedroom, he tackled me on the bed, and that’s when he tried to take advantage of me. But I promise to God nothing happened Sloane. When I told his ass off he got mad and started talking shit about Carly, and I lost it. I pulled my knife on him.”

“Are you serious Sarah?”

Sloane’s eyes were big as saucers now.

“I’m dead serious. When Mama confronted us about it, that’s when I realized that she misunderstood everything she heard. I wanted to tell her the whole story, but you know how Mama gets when she’s really pissed. There’s no reasoning with her, there’s no calming her down, and her mind was already made up. So I just stood there and took her venom and I left and never went back. I haven’t spoken to either one of them since.”

“I shouldn’t be surprised, but I am. I’m so sorry that I took one side of the story and ran with it and used it to build an even bigger wedge between us, Sarah.  Mama called me at work all hysterical and needed someone to talk to…God, why does our family have to have so much drama all the time? Everything that happens is so divisive and I want to end that, especially between us. I’m so sorry for thinking less of you, but I must say, you didn’t make it easy for any of us to get close to you. Now I know why. I was so busy being wrapped up in my own problems and issues that I didn’t stop to think, let alone ask how you were doing. Even if you pushed me away, I should have tried harder.”

“Don’t apologize, Sloane. What’s done is done, and we all did what we thought was right at the time. Me, you, Junior, Michael, Carly, and Evan. We all suffered through our personal hells in our own way. I’m just tired of suffering. I want to have a normal life. I need to be proud of myself for once so I can stop hating myself.”

Sloane looked at me as the truth of my words sunk into the both of us. She was now wiping away more tears when she whispered, “Wow. Those are powerful words, Sarah. You are the most confident person I know, so to hear that you hate yourself - that’s hard to hear.”

“But it’s the truth, and I’m tired of hiding and faking how I really feel.”

Sloane reached for a pen and paper off of the coffee table and began to write something down. She handed the paper to me.  “This is the name and number to my therapist,” she said. “Her name is Dr. Caroline Peters, and if it weren’t for her I wouldn’t be in the position to be married to a wonderful man and pregnant with his child. I had a lot of pent-up anger and emotional issues that Dr. Peters helped me to deal with, and it’s allowed me to be in the wonderful place I’m in right now. Talking to her and working through all that troubles you, will give you the peace of mind you so desperately need, Sarah. If you want, I can call her and make an appointment for you.”

I took the piece of paper from Sloane and excitement and fear began to fill the pit of my stomach. I needed and wanted this so much. I looked up at her and pulled her into a tight hug. “Thank you, Baby Girl. Thank you so much. I’m ready to be free. I’m ready to be happy,” I whispered into her ear. “I’m here for you - every step of the way, Big Sis. I love you. Sarah. That will never change,” Sloane whispered.

“Will you call her for me?” I asked.

“I’ll call her now,” Sloane responded.  She picked up her house phone, which was sitting next to her on the couch, and called her therapist and made an appointment for me to see her the next day at nine in the morning. “Luca and I also wanted you to know that you can stay with us as long as you need to, at least until you get on your feet,” Sloane said as she pinned me with a serious look. “Absolutely not,” I told her, “You guys are newlyweds and you need your alone time. All I’ll need is a few days to find my own place and hopefully after that I’ll have enough money left over to get a decent car so I can start job hunting.”

I know that wasn’t the response Sloane wanted to hear, but I meant it.

“I’m going to help you get a decent car, and there is nothing you can say or do to stop me. You hear me, Sarah? Nothing!” Sloane firmly stated.

“Sloane…”

“You might as well drop it because it’s happening. Now let’s go do something. All this heavy confessing and crying is depressing. I feel like shopping and eating.”

Sloane stood up and waited for me to stand up with her. “It’ll be my treat. We haven’t done this in years! Remember how we hated shopping with Carly because she hated all the walking and trying on clothes but you and I loved trying on clothes? Carly was such a drag that way!”

“Yeah, she was. All she ever wanted to do was sit and eat at the food court!” I quipped. We both laughed at the memory. “Okay, let me go put on some jeans and a T-shirt and we can go,” I said as I stood up.

“Yay! I’ll go put on my shoes and tell Luca that we’ll be back in a few hours. Meet me in the driveway.”

Sloane had the biggest smile on her face and it made me smile in return. I missed my sister.

Sloane and I had a wonderful time shopping and eating. She wouldn’t let me pay for a thing. She bought me a black suit to wear to interviews and some black-leather, four-inch heels. Every piece of clothing I said was cute she found in my size and bought for me, even after I told her not to. My back would be turned and she’d be at the register ringing things up that I asked her not to buy for me. She looked at me and smiled that big dimpled smile of hers and handed me the bag and walked out of the store. My baby sister is a stubborn woman with a heart as big as the sky, and I love her for it. But she needed to stop spoiling me like this. I had no way of repaying the favor - at least not yet, but as soon as I was able to I would.

The following day was my therapy session and we started off with a bang. Once I began to talk about my issues, it was like I couldn’t stop, nor could I stop the tears that followed. Dr. Peters and I both agreed that I needed to see her twice a week, and it helped me a lot. I know I still had a long way to go, but I was happy to be on the path to getting there.

Luca and Sloane surprised me with a 2014 Lexus, fully loaded, leather interior, and in my favorite color, black. I couldn’t thank them enough. While I was happy and grateful, I couldn’t help but feel like Sloane was trying to buy my love. I knew my sister loved me, and I guess it was still hard for me to accept her love after all the rotten things I’d done to her. I hadn’t been able to let go of the guilt, and I knew it was going to take time, but having Sloane constantly do things for me just made me feel even more guilty and unworthy of her generosity and love. Call me crazy, but I wanted her to be mean to me. I expected her to be mean to me and not so forgiving. I felt like I deserved her hate, I deserved her wrath, and she wasn’t giving it to me.

“Sloane, I need you stop it with all this niceness and kindness. I don’t deserve it. I mean, how could you of all people be so nice to me after all I’ve done to you? I’ve done awful, horrible things to you on purpose, and you’re acting like nothing happened! Why?”

Sloane pinned me with a serious look and asked, “Is that what you want? You want me to hate you, Sarah? Because for a while I did. I really hated you, but it didn’t last long. You want to know why? Because at the end of the day, my love for you always outweighed the hate. You’re my sister; I will love you until the day I die. Nothing will ever change that. None of us are perfect. Look at who our parents are and how we were raised! It’s a wonder none of us are dead or in the loony bin! Your conscience is beating you up and there’s nothing I can do about that, but I’m not going to hate you and I’m not going to be mean to you or treat you badly. We’ve already wasted entirely too much time resenting each other and not communicating with one another, which only led to more misunderstandings. I’m not about to waste any more time on that nonsense. I’m pregnant with my first child. I’m scared, I’m excited, and happy, but I’m also trying to come to grips with the fact that I don’t have my mother to talk to for advice. She may not be a lot of things that I want her to be, but she did give birth to six kids, and she took very good care of us physically. It hurts, Sarah because it’s sad. It’s sad that our family is this way, but it is what it is. All I have left are you, Carly, and our brothers, and I’m going to hang on to all of you for dear life. No more staying out of touch, no more going weeks and months without speaking to one another. No more disappearing and none of us know where you are, Sarah. We’re all we’ve got, and I need all of you more than ever. We need each other.”

Tears were now rolling down both of our faces.

“Do you know I’ve done nothing but cry since I showed up on your doorstep, girl?” I laughed.

“Well I hope these are happy tears this time!” Sloane laughed.

“They are, and I will be here for you. I’m not going anywhere, I promise. I love you.”

“I love you more,” Sloane smiled. We hugged each other tightly and wiped our eyes and noses with the tissue that Sloane kept in her purse.

Later that day we went apartment hunting. Sloane begged me to find something close to her.

“I love Luca’s mom to death, but she’s not you and she’s not Carly. It would be nice to have at least one of my sisters near me,” Sloane told me as we were driving to look at the next apartment on my list. I did a quick search of apartments near Sloane’s house and surprisingly found a few.

This apartment was just five blocks away from Sloane and Luca’s home and of course this made Sloane very happy. It was big and spacious, which I loved, and it had two bedrooms. I also liked that there were hardwood floors throughout with large windows and a beautiful view of a wooded area complete with a bike and walking trail.

“I think this is it, I whispered, as we finished our tour of the apartment. “I love this place, Sloane.” I immediately signed a one-year rental agreement and paid the deposit and first month’s rent. When it was time for me to pay rent again I mailed a check to my landlord only to have it returned with a note stating that my rent had been paid for the entire year. Attached to it was a copy of a check with Sloane Santorini’s name on it. I knew she meant well, but I also knew she was trying to ensure that I didn’t pack up and leave like I’d done so many times before. That was not me anymore. That was the old Sarah who constantly ran away from her problems. The new Sarah was starting her life over, and was slowly learning what it meant to be happy.

Just as we were leaving my new apartment to go back to Sloane’s home, my mind drifted to Roman. The party he wanted me to attend with him was coming up in two days and I couldn’t help feeling guilty for turning him down. I missed him, but no matter how much I missed him I had to stay on this path of getting myself together first. I was wrapped up in my thoughts when Sloane asked, “What’s the matter? Why do you look so sad?”

I gave her a weak smile.  “Nothing. Just thinking.”

“Whatever you’re thinking about has you sad. What is it? Talk to me.”

“The night I showed up at your house I had met someone. I attended a ball with a wonderful man. I was his escort; it was a favor to my friend Sandy. Just a one-night deal and I needed the money. He paid for everything: a Vera Wang gown, jewelry, shoes, and a makeover from head to toe. He’s a business developer, and he’s originally from New York, but moved here to help revitalize Detroit, especially the poor areas. When we met, it was rocky. I thought he was an arrogant jerk, but as the night went on I realized he was actually charming and quite intelligent. We clicked, and for the first time in a long time I felt like I could have a future with someone. He kissed me…well, we kissed...”

“I’m aware that I’m blushing as I tell the story to my sister. However, that kiss will be something that I’ll never forget.”

Sloane squealed excitedly. “What? How was it? Was it good? Did you kiss him back?”

“Yes, it was good, very good,” I responded, laughing along with her. “And that’s when I knew that I could really fall for this man. I became afraid, even though I loved being with him. He made me feel wanted and special. I felt like I was really his woman.”

“So what’s the problem?” Sloane asked.

“I’m a mess, that’s the problem. I even tried to warn him and told him that my life is in shambles and I have many issues to deal with, but he still wanted to see me. Can you believe that?”

“Uh, yeah, I can believe it. He sounds a lot like Luca. What is his name? I need to make sure they’re not related,” Sloane half joked.

“His name is Roman Mancini.” My body shivered just saying his name as his handsome face popped into my mind clear as day.

“He’s Italian like Luca. Hmm, we may need to research this,” Sloane smiled. “But seriously, I tried to push Luca away in the beginning because I felt I was too messed up to be in a relationship, but he wasn’t having it, girl. He stuck with me and fought for me, for us. I’m glad he did, because deep down, I was crazy about him.”

“He asked me to go to a black-tie event with him this Saturday as his date, not as his escort. I told him no, and at the end of the night he gave me his contact info and said ‘In case you change your mind’ and then he left. I like him, Sloane. That’s what scares me. I like him a lot, but I don’t want him to get mixed up in my crazy life right now. It wouldn’t be fair to him.”

My head was down as I looked at my hands. We were finally back at Sloane’s house and we got out of her car and walked inside. Luca wasn’t home so we had the house to ourselves. Sloane plopped on the plush sofa in her spacious living room and I sat next to her and faced her.

“Here’s what I think, Big Sis. I know you guys literally just met and don’t know a lot about each other, but if all he was interested in was a booty call, he would have gone after that. He sounds like he likes you and wants to get to know you better. I understand you not wanting to burden him with your issues, but sometimes that’s exactly what you need. You’re already seeing Dr. Peters which is a huge step. You’ve got your own place, you’ve got a car, and you’re in the process of looking for a job. Let Roman decide what he can handle or can’t handle, but don’t push him away, Sarah. Not before you even see where this can go.”

“So you think I should go with him to the black-tie event?” I nervously asked.

“What will it hurt? It’s an opportunity for you two to get to know each other better, so why not? That’s what dating is all about - getting to know each other and seeing if you’re compatible. Just take it slow and see where it goes. You need to be happy in your love life too, big sis,” Sloane advised.

I was nervous, but I did want to see Roman again. My palms were getting sweaty at the thought.

“Text him,” Sloane urged.

I put my head down in shame, trying to hide my smirk because I knew Sloane was going to flip out. “I don’t have a cell phone,” I confessed.

Sloane stood up and grabbed her purse and car keys. “Are you kidding me, Sarah? Get up, let’s go. We’ve gotta get you a cell phone right now!” Sloane yelled. “And we’re getting you a sexy dress for that black-tie event Saturday too.”

I sighed and stood up and followed my baby sister out of the house as we embarked on another shopping adventure.

Sloane sent Luca a text message informing him of where we were and that we’d be home in a few hours. Luca was worried that Sloane was doing too much and not resting enough. I understood his worry and agreed with him, but Sloane wasn’t hearing any of it. She was on a mission, and she wasn’t going to stop until she got me everything she felt I needed. While we were shopping for my dress, Sloane informed me that we were going to go furniture shopping for my apartment. That’s when I put my foot down.

“No, Sloane! You are not furnishing my apartment!” I yelled.

“Sarah, I know you don’t have much left in your savings, especially after paying your deposit and first month’s rent. You need a bed, you need sheets, blankets, towels, all the little knickknacks that can add up. Let me help you get those things. I have plenty of things in storage from my apartment that you can have: sofas, a TV, dressers, stuff for the kitchen. Just take a look at it and pick what you want. In the meantime at least let me buy you a bed.”

I was beginning to see why it was always hard for everyone to say no to Sloane. Those big pretty eyes of hers can get you every time. She was so sincere and only wanted to help me, so I gave in. Letting her help me still wasn’t easy for me. I kept reminding myself that my sister loved me and only wanted to help. She had no ulterior motives like the shady people I used to deal with in the streets. Being with Sloane reminded me of how much I’d missed my family, and how much I’d missed being around people I could trust.

I sighed heavily.  “I’m so glad you’re my sister. I don’t know if it’s the pregnancy hormones that have you so soft, but you are absolutely the sweetest, kindest sister a person could ask for.” “You and Luca have one more time to talk about my pregnancy hormones and how weepy and soft I’ve become! Do y’all think I like being so emotional all the time? I hate it!” Sloane shot me a mean look which quickly turned into a smile.

I burst out laughing and she joined me. “It’s temporary. It’ll be over before you know it,” I said as I patted her shoulder.

Finally we made it home and walked into a house that smelled divine. Luca was cooking dinner and we both were starving from the extra shopping we just did.

He made his mother’s Spaghetti Bolognese with fresh garlic bread and sparkling white grape juice for all of us to drink. We sat down to a nice dinner, but I could tell that the newlyweds missed each other, so as soon as I finished eating I excused myself.

“I’m going to go get some rest and try to program my new phone with some phone numbers.” I rinsed off my dishes and put them inside of the dishwasher.

“Call him, don’t text,” Sloane winked at me.

Luca looked at her and then me with a questioning eyebrow raised.

“Your wife will fill you in,” I said over my shoulder as I walked out of the kitchen and towards the stairs.

Roman’s contact information from the card he gave me was the first to get programmed into my new iPhone. After it was programmed, I kept staring at it. I was afraid to call him and very nervous, but I wanted to hear his voice. I wanted to see him and smell his beautiful, manly smell again. I wanted to feel safe in his strong arms. My thumb trembled as it hovered nervously over the green call icon on my phone. It was now or never. Seize the moment or live with regret for the rest of my life wondering what could have been.