OVERTIME (37 page)

“Shit,” Riley muttered, his eyes dark with sadness and understanding. “Shit, Colton. I suspected it was bad…I just didn’t know how bad it was.”

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure that was the night I became an official stalker. At first, I told myself I was just looking out for somebody that couldn’t look out for himself. Maybe I was. Who knows what it all meant in the beginning? All I know is the more I watched him, the more it made my heart do weird things. It might have started as pity, but it quickly morphed into something so much more. I saw how strong he was. He had been given this shitty life but he held his head up and took it like a little man. He might have gotten beatings from his dad at least once a week, but no one ever picked on another person around him.” Colton chuckled as he remembered. “The boy didn’t talk much so when he did, every damned one of us listened. More times than I can count, I saw him back down boys much older and bigger than he was. He just had this intimidating strength about him that we all respected. In my heart I knew he would let any of us beat him to death and probably wouldn’t ever utter a sound, but he would not let you bully another person on his watch. Well, unless it was me. He might have let somebody kick my ass,” he corrected. “Then there were the animals. He would play with any furry creature that would let him within a foot of it – even the Godforsaken feral cats that were everywhere in his neighborhood. He wasn’t more than a bag of bones, probably nearly starved, but I would see him giving food to those cats and dogs.” Colton paused to remember what he’d witnessed. “Yeah, I’m pretty sure that was when it happened – when I fell flat out in love with him. He would smile at those animals and I thought it was the most beautiful thing I’d ever laid eyes on. Seeing that smile on those lips?
That
made my body do weird things,” he joked. “I swore right
then that I would make him smile at me like that one day. So, my heart fell first and then my body quickly followed.”

He half expected Riley to come back with some joke or find a way to berate him for his words, but his nemesis remained silent for several long seconds. Colton almost felt like squirming. Had he said too much? Sounded too desperate? Hell, he was desperate. He’d always been desperate when it came to Jagger Jameson.

“You’ll be good to him,” Riley finally said.

Colton wasn’t sure if the comment was meant to be a question or a statement. He answered, “Always.”

Chapter 20

Two Days

Jagger wasn’t sure why he suddenly felt so nervous. The last couple of days had been absolutely wonderful. Colton was quickly waking up his body to all kinds of new sex that made his cock twitch and his eyes roll back in his head and, at the same time, he was
slowly
waking up his heart and soul. This could work out. Hell, it had to work out. Long-distance relationships worked all the time. Why shouldn’t he be able to have the same? He and Colton, as much as they cared for each other, would be able to pull it off, hands-down.

Why, then, did he feel so freaking terrified? He felt a panic attack swooping down on him. He’d wanted to talk to Landry about him leaving, about him and Colton embarking on a new kind of relationship where he lived in Kentucky and Colton stayed here, but he hadn’t gotten a chance. The new business had kept Landry’s head completely swirling and twirling in the direction of all things BDSM sex club shit. He was incredibly cute with his naughty enthusiasm, but Jagger had really needed to run this whole leaving thing by him. He had to know it was going to be okay. He had to know Colton would be willing to work with his need for control. This was his dream job. This was his means to an end—he would never be hungry again.

His head was lying in Colton’s lap as they lounged on the sofa watching a baseball game. One of Colton’s fingers twirled lazily around his hair, tugging playfully every now and again to make sure Jagger was giving him enough attention. He would merely answer with a suggestive smile and a nibble at his bottom lip because he knew how hot Colton thought it was. It was a peace like he’d never experienced and everything inside of him was screaming that he was about to fuck it up.

He didn’t have a choice. It’s not like he was ending their relationship…just changing it. He
had
to go back. His dream job was waiting on him—everything he’d worked so hard to achieve. He’d sacrificed so much.

“Colton…” he started. He felt the muscles beneath him tense immediately.

“Don’t do it, Jag. Whatever you’re about to say, just don’t do it, okay? I love you, babe. I love you with every fucking ounce of love inside of me. I can take care of us.” He paused and looked down, his already flooding with tears. “Don’t do it, Jagger. Don’t.”

When Jagger moved to set up, Colton tried to tug him back down, but Jagger wouldn’t have it. Fear, pure fear based on the adrenaline of knowing he always fucked things up, surged through him, demanding he put some distance between them. He couldn’t think straight when Colton touched him.

“Please don’t run from me,” Colton whispered softly.

“I’m not running,” Jagger answered quickly, lying…always lying. He was running. His body might not be out the door, but his heart had left the second he’d felt Colton tense up. It didn’t stick around and see him destroy the one person in the world he could have possibly fell in love with. The one person that had apparently always loved him when nobody else ever had. “It’s…it’s just time for me to go back. I start a new job the day after tomorrow. I’ve waited as long as I can and still make it back for my starting day. We can talk every night and visit all the time…”

“That might be good enough for
you
, Jagger, but it isn’t enough for me,” Colton broke in before he could finish. Jagger watched as he stood up and stalked over to the other side of the room. His fists were clenched as he dropped his forehead against the wall. He stood there several long seconds, taking deep, uneven breaths, clenching and unclenching his fists. He finally turned back around and the pain on his face, the pain in his eyes, took Jagger’s breath away.

“The thought of not spending one day with you, Jagger, literally makes me sick to my stomach.” He snorted in disgust. “But then again, I guess that’s the difference between the two of us, isn’t it? I don’t mean that much to you. I never have and apparently I never will,” he spat.

Jagger was sure he gasped out loud when Colton delivered the words…and delivered them with such bitterness and anger. “Colton,” he started and then paused, struggling to catch his own breath as he saw his last chance at happiness about to disappear forever. “You…you know what my life was like. You know why I am the way I am—you saw it, first-hand. You have to understand how much this job means to me. I’ve wanted this opportunity my entire life. I’ve dreamed of the chance to be able to take care of myself—to take control of my life and not have to be afraid of where my next meal would come from or if I would have a safe place to lay my
head at night. You know this, Colton!” He slid his hands in his back pockets because he didn’t know what else to do with them—they were begging to reach out and touch Colton.

And, for the first time since he’d known Colton, Colton didn’t look like he wanted to be touched.

“Please, Colton. I don’t want us to end. That’s not what’s happening here. I’m leaving to start my job, not end our relationship.”

“What relationship, Jagger? What fucking relationship is there?” Colton screamed, making Jagger cringe with old fears. “The only thing there is—the only thing there has ever been is me running after you…and you running away from me.” He crossed the distance between them with huge strides and grabbed Jagger, his big hands holding either side of Jagger’s face. His eyes, drowning with tears, and he begged, “Please don’t run, baby. It will kill me to try and live without you now that I’ve had you in my life. Give me a chance to prove I’ll be worth the risk. I’ve waited forever for you. Please don’t make me keep waiting.” His lips touched Jagger’s, softly and then moved away. “I love you, Jagger. Give me time to make you fall in love with me,” he pleaded.

“I told you I don’t think I’m capable of love, Colton. You deserve better than this shit. Look at what I’m doing to you.” Jagger tried to tug away. Seeing the pain in Colton’s eyes, knowing he put it there, was too much.
Why the fuck did he ever think he could fit into someone’s life without totally fucking it up like he always did?

Colton jerked away from him like he’d been slapped. He took two steps back. Another step. “So that’s what it’s going to be—the whole ‘it’s me, not you’ shit-story? Fuck, Jagger, be a real man and just say it. Admit that you don’t feel the same way I do. I’m a big boy. I can take it.”

“It’s not like that.”

“Really? How is it, then? You tell me. Obviously you’ve got all the answers, right? I mean, you’ve known about this job all along and yet today’s the first time you’ve thought about mentioning it to me? You’ve listened to me confess my love and bend over ass-backwards to try and please you and you’ve fucking know all along that you would be walking away from me? Guess what, Wildcat?” He spat the word that had once been an endearment out like it was the foulest insult he could come up with. “I’ve known about your job all along—I’d just hoped you
would be gentleman enough to tell me about it early on…or
man
enough to say fuck it and stay with me.”

“I’m trying, Colton. You…you knew I was
damaged
. You said you wanted me anyway. Well, here the fuck I am! This is what you claimed to have wanted all along. What? You’re suddenly not
man
enough to handle it?” Jagger felt his own fury starting to bubble over, not at Colton, but at himself. He’d hurt the one person in the world that had cared about him, worried about him, tried to take care of him when not another fucker in the world gave a fuck. Yeah, that’s him. That’s the darkness he’d tried to warn Colton about. That was why he was unworthy of love and needed to be left behind. There was nothing to offer anybody. He was an ice-cold shell.

A deafening silence hung over the room. The only sounds were Colton’s heavy breathing and Jagger’s thundering heart. It was over. That much was plain to see. Colton was finished. The only thing left to decide, Jagger supposed, was the exit strategy. He wouldn’t survive this—he was sure of that much. One didn’t get a taste of Heaven and then watch it vanish from life, leaving nothing behind but sweet memories.

“I’m going to walk away from you right now, Jagger, because I’m afraid of what I might say…what I might do,” Colton finally said. “You’re going to do what you’re going to do. It’s clear that I don’t have any control over that. I never have and I never will.” Tears were streaming down his face. “If you don’t take anything away from our time together, please have learned that your worth is so much more than you give yourself credit for.” He took another deep breath and Jagger knew this was it. He was seconds away from never seeing Colton again…never touching Colton again. Just, never. He wanted to beg him to stay. He wanted to say all the right things, all the things that would make Colton understand and accept him the way he was.

The old Jagger wanted to remain completely silent, hoping the pain would end before too much damage was done. The new Jagger, the one that Colton had helped to reveal, came out swinging with his own words. “I was always so scared, Colton,” he cried. “He beat me almost every fucking day! I was hungry. I was fucking hungry all the time! When I complained or asked for food, he would threaten to kill the neighbor’s dog because he had seen me feeding it. He claimed if I was that damned hungry, I wouldn’t be giving food away to the animals. He did it because he knew how much I loved that dog and the threat would keep me from complaining
any more. And you know what, Colton? You know what the sickest part of that shit is? I
let
him do it! I let him do it because I was too big of a fucking coward to try and get away. For years I’ve blamed the teachers, the neighbors, hell, I blamed people that had never once laid eyes on me, but you know what? I was the one to blame! Me!”

“It wasn’t your fault, Jag. None of that was your fault,” Colton shouts. “Listen to me, you were a kid. You weren’t and you aren’t responsible for anything your parents did.” He dragged his fingers through his hair and then reached for Jagger. When Jagger jerked away like he was afraid, Colton snatched his hands back in shock.

“I can’t ever go back there again, Colton. I can’t depend on somebody else to save me. It’s just been me for so fucking long.” He dragged in a breath. “It will always just be me.”

Colton paused, debating his next response. Jagger could see how he was struggling to try and understand the
dickwad
in front of him. Well, good fucking luck with that. That was the tragic part—there was no understanding him. There was no helping him. He was just so damned tired. His fingers itched to pick up a razor and slice away. Just a few moments of peace
…

“I can’t make you do this, babe. I can’t make you stay and don’t let there be any doubts between us—if you aren’t here when I come back, it was you that walked away from me. It was you that refused to give our love a chance. Don’t call it something it isn’t, though. Don’t say you weren’t good enough for me because that isn’t your decision to make. Don’t say I deserved more. Don’t say any of that shit, Jagger—just admit that you chose something else over me…over us.”

Colton started past him, paused, and then jerked him into his arms. He hugged him so tightly their bodies were molded together. Their lips crashed together but before Jagger could even respond, Colton was gone.