Outer Core (16 page)

We hold one another closely in this darkness, between periods of brief conversations and stretched silence. Daniel answers the questions I have after he explains Iris's disease and the series of treatments she has ahead of her.

He also told me about a long and exhausting argument they had, where he'd implored she move to San Francisco, at least for the treatments. In utter frustration, he tells me how she wouldn't cave in.

“Hey.” I send my hand to his bristled cheek. “You should have told me about it from day one.”

He shakes his head, jaw clutched. “You had enough weighing on you. I didn't want to add any additional tension.”

It's my turn to shake my head. “It doesn't work like this. There I was prioritizing me before you and I didn't even notice you were going through something so grave. I mean, I didn't think that there was something in addition to the regular daily stress.” I let out a bitter chuckle. “Daniel, I came here tonight ready to give you a piece of my mind, not even knowing you were . . .”

“You came here for me, Hales. That's all that matters.” His fingers trace over my freckles, over the bridge of my nose. He leans in to lightly kiss the trail.

I look at him, holding his stare with mine. “Because you always take precedence, no matter what.” His eyes soften. “I love my family and friends, but nothing comes close to what you mean to me. I'll always be there for you. I can't do that if I don't know what you're going through, though. You need to let me in.”

“I needed to process it by myself. Hales, I can't even measure how important you are to me, but this is something that . . .” He heaves loudly. “Fuck. I didn't . . . Hales, I don't know how to deal with it. I can't lose her.” He closes his eyes. “It's so hard going through this again.” He shakes his head. “It's amazing how helpless I feel. Everything I own, all the money in the world, is worth nothing when you can't use it to help the people important to you.”

“You are not helpless. You're there for her and that is all that matters. And, this time, I'm here for you,” I say in a soft voice. I hold him tight, the lump in my throat expanding.
There's only you for me. You and so many feelings.

My breath becomes shaky as soon as the door opens. Noticing my quivering lips, Iris takes me into her arms. “Hayley, honey.” She leans her chin on my shoulder, hugging me with candid warmness.

Releasing me, she gives Daniel a long scan. “You haven't slept.” She slowly slides the palm of her hand over his unshaven cheek, looking at him with loving eyes.

“I'm okay,” he says curtly. “How do you feel?”

Her stare lingers on him, assessing. “I'm fine. It's you I worry about. Come on in. I'll start the kettle.”

I lace my fingers with Daniel's, bringing our joined hands to my lips. His lip tips up in a weary smile as he returns my stare, sitting next to me on the low sofa.

A jingling sound of a few bell anklets approaches. “I missed you greatly, Hayley,” Iris says, setting a round tray with an intricately textured teapot and small plates of dried fruits and oatmeal cookies on the table. She settles herself cross-legged on a patchwork bean bag, facing us.

“Same here.” I smile at her, working hard not to show the sadness inside me.

“So tell me, what's new?” Her perpetual thin smile on as she pours us tea. Her hands hug the mug, her eyes caressing me.

“Oh, nothing much. How are you?” I say, too devastated to be acting business as usual.

I turn to look at Daniel, who's drinking from his steaming mug. My brows crinkle. Daniel doesn't drink tea, ever. But clearly he's not himself. He appears to be . . . lost.

“Well, I'm going to have my first exhibition in three months,” she beams, her eyes weak yet joyful.

“That's wonderful,” I say. I'm genuinely thrilled for her but still can't refrain from thinking how she'll incorporate it with her forthcoming chemo and the side effects.

Her stare becomes dreamy as she says, “Having your art up there in person for people to see . . .”

“Maybe you should wait with that,” Daniel's grave voice stops her. “Wait till the first round of chemo is over. You'll need all your strength to heal. I'm not sure if now is the best time to put yourself under additional pressure.”

She shakes her head, her soft smile intact. “I'm not going to stop everything I believe in and love, not even for a while. To win a fight, you should take the bad with the good. Balance, love. It's all about balance. This couldn't have come at a better time, as I see it. I have something to look forward to. Something to take my mind off things I don't want to give too much weight to.”

“Iris.” Her name on Daniel's lips is a concern, a struggle.

“I've been there before,” she says, and the effect of her words bluntly shows on Daniel's face. He looks in pain. “I got through it once, and I'll do that again.” She inches to touch his hand. “You shouldn't worry so much.”

It appears as if he is doing everything in his power not to explode. “Someone needs to take this seriously.” He sighs. “At least, move in with us till you're better.”

“Let us take care of you,” I add.

She shakes her head again. “I appreciate your offer and love, but my life is here. I'm happy here, and I have so many things going on. I'm not going to drop everything and focus on my illness. You should never give up and stop believing because that's when you can taste the end.”

“Iris,” I try.

“Honey …” She shakes her head, her lips in an easy smile. “I need to be somewhere where I feel spiritually fitted. Spiritually balanced.”

From the corner of my eye, I notice Daniel's fuse slowly burning. He's one chakra talk away from detonating. I lean into him, take his hand in mine, and hold it between my hands. He sends his other hand to fiddle with a pale green sticky note stuck to the low table. He tilts his head reading it. He frowns, turning his stare to his mother. “All things are the truth in themselves?”

“Just a reminder of the Buddhist Lotus Sutra.” Iris says. The frown in Daniel's expression deepens, that burning fuse shifting gears. “It's so magnificent, how the universe sends us exactly what we need when we need it the most, don't you think?” She adds next.

We both give her a “are you high, woman?” look.

Her smile expands. “Remember Dr. Owen, honey?” she asks Daniel.

“Of course.” He turns to me. “That's the doctor I had her see. He's supposed to be the best.”

“We started seeing each other,” Iris says in her calm, singsong voice. I let out a small chuckle. Loving her a little more than I already do. Only Iris can find the good in a fatal disease and applause the forces to be for it.

“Oh, for fuck's sake. You've got to be kidding me.” Yep, that's Daniel's patience finally wearing thinner than thin. “I'm going to . . .” He gestures with his phone to nowhere in particular, standing up.

Oh, D, aren't you going to hold hands with us and praise the universe?

I bite on my lip, watching Daniel make himself scarce. Iris turns to me, shaking her head, amusement donning her hazel eyes.

“So tell me all about this doctor.”

Her eyes spark up. She takes a throw pillow and places it on her thighs. Fiddling with the ruffled hem, she says, “He has such a kind spirit.” Sass climbs up onto her lips. “And he's all kinds of handsome.”

“I'm intrigued.” I perk up, not able to subdue my smile.

“Well, after my biopsy, he asked me for coffee. The same evening we went out for dinner. That evening lasted till the next day.” My grin widens to her wink. “We've been seeing each other since.”

“That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you.” It amazes me how her dreadful disease doesn't even factor into her overall state. She looks genuinely content. Taking a sip of my drink, I wait for her to carry on.

“Hayley darling, you can't believe how a good orgasm frees your mind of everything pressing.”

Spraying out the tea, I look at her horrified. In the same breath, I thank all possible spiritual beings that Daniel wasn't present for his mother's unabashed declaration.

“It works miracles,” she adds.

How does one answer such a declaration from one's future mother-in-law? “Oh, I couldn't agree more, and thank
you
for spawning such an orgasm-giving extraordinaire yourself. Great job! Here's to freeing orgasms!”

My cheeks cool down a little when I finally say, “Um, I'm glad you've found ways to ease your mind of things. Good for you.”

Saying that the past few weeks have been easy would be a complete falsehood. They've been eventful and stressful and tense. Albeit, if I'm being completely honest, there have also been little comforting sparks of joy that have helped in keeping my mental balance to a certain degree.

Sitting at my desk, wrapping up a presentation Josh asked me to put together, I smile at the thought of the last time Ian and I had joined Iris for her chemo. It was a day before Ian was supposed to leave again after a short visit. Given his great fondness for Iris, he insisted on tagging along. Sucking on popsicles, taking
Cosmo
love and relationship quizzes together, we could hardly contain our spurts of laughter. By the fourth question, two more patients joined our little hoopla. When three more ladies showed interest in taking part, I had to run to the nearest convenience store to get some more popsicles. We took turns answering the questions, each one of us spicing up our answers for the sake of women comradery and amusement. There was a moment of collective feminine, and one Ian, swooning, when Owen, Iris's doctor boyfriend, came to say hi.

By the time the session was about to end, each and every one of the ladies was more than a little in love with Ian.
Who can really blame them?

When Daniel dropped by to pick us up, Ian declared, gesturing at Daniel, “See what I mean?” Daniel's expression grew uncomfortable to Iris's wide, proud grin and the “mmmhmm,” and “you go, girl!” announced my way from the rest of the gaggle. Noticing his jaw starting to work, I wrapped my hand around his waist. Leaning in, I whispered, “Take one for the team. Wow them with that smile of yours, pretty boy.” Shaking his head, Daniel nodded, his side smile making an appearance.

When Daniel took Iris's stuff, helping her to the car, I had to literally pull Ian away from his insta-fans. “Can't wait for the movie to come out,” followed us as we stepped out of the clinic.

I reread the notes I added to the email for Josh, making sure there are no glitches or forgotten items. I press send and rise to stand, walking to the office kitchen, deliberately putting off tackling my next task. I take extra time stirring sugar into my coffee and talking to my colleagues.

With a bittersweet sense of closure, I stroll back to my cubicle. The fact that soon enough Josh will be leaving too makes typing my resignation letter a bit less melancholic. Saying good-bye to something you are attached to and mostly enjoyed, no matter what's coming next, is always sad. And just like that, the notion of Tasha and Ian being away filters in, tears welling in my eyes. Again?
Really, Hayley?
Seems like my pastime of preference these days is weeping.
I
can't even stand the emotional mess I've become. As of late, I can't even fathom where and when it'll strike. Saying good-bye to my friends, being there for Iris in her hour of need, listening to a song, Daniel giving me his special smile,
watching a damn toilet paper commercial featuring little puppies
, and I turn into a pitiful bag of tears. I blame it on the volatility of the past months. So many changes in such a short time make it hard to come out unscathed.

I shake off the meditative state when a sound signals a message on my phone. An involuntary giggle flies out of my mouth as I read Ian's text.

Ian to Tasha and Hayley: I kissed a girl and I didn't like it. Blargh, the taste of cherry ChapStick. Being a movie star is not as simple as y'all commoners think it is.

I text back.
I'm truly sorry for your misfortune. Wishing you everything you need during this difficult time.

Ian to Tasha and Hayley: Y'all women are so warm and soft and slimy.

Inwardly chuckling, I shoot out the next text.
Which one of her lips did you have to kiss exactly?

Ian to Tasha and Hayley: I'm appalled, young gorgeous. I'm about to retch all over the set
.

An answer from Tasha doesn't take long to arrive.

Natasha to Ian and Hayley: Taking offense on behalf of the female population, especially the cherry ChapStick users. Oh and for Katie Perry in particular for her beautiful song not just being plagiarized but tarnished.

Ian to Tasha and Hayley: Don't you type at me in that tone of voice, young lady!

Not a second passes and another text from Ian comes. This one is a selfie of his lips puckered into a kiss.

I'm still grinning widely when Josh pops his head in my cubicle. “What's so funny?”

“Ian,” I say with a “who else?” expression.

He nods with a smile. “What has he done now?”

“Nothing that's outside the gray area of the law.”

“Phew.” Josh exhales with a melodramatic press of his hand to his chest.

I grin and show him the photo of Ian's kiss on my phone. He shakes his head with a smitten smile.
Oh, young love. Bound in thy rainbow flag. Apologize for this, Lord Byron, but it really fit the moment.

“Saw your email. That's it, eh?” Josh says. I take a deep breath, bobbing my head. “Let's go for a celebratory something sweet.”

“Sounds perfect.” I stand, following him to reception.

Daniel heaves loudly, righting his sitting position next to me, leaning on the headboard. He rubs his palm over his morning scruff. “Hales, let's just set a date already, for fuck's sake.” I turn to him with a start.
Good morning to you too, psycho.
I'm afraid to ask what he dreamed about, waking up all tickled pink.