Outcast (26 page)

Sylor's own father had been a rather fleeting presence in his life. In fact, Sylor couldn't remember seeing him above five times in the time before he left home, and not at all since then. It wasn't as though he'd had a terrific role model for a parent. But Sylor probably wouldn't have been a model citizen even with a loving family around him. He simply didn't care what happened to anyone but himself, and he was quite willing to let others sacrifice to meet his needs.

Sylor knew the law; he had abandoned his homestead and his child, and legally, they could be declared lost to him. He would have to win her back. He would not risk being caught and deported.

Not that the authorities hadn't tried, it was just that he was very hard to find when he was of a mind to disappear, even with the tracking implant. Bonnie must not have told them all they needed to know — if, indeed, she knew anything at all. A man had to have some secrets, after all. There was also the possibility that she hadn't been the one to file the complaint in the first place. Bonnie had had no illusions about him and couldn't have been very surprised when he left.

If only he hadn't agreed to the child! He'd known it was a mistake, but Bonnie had wanted a child so badly, he found it difficult to refuse her. Now it was either come back and pick up where he left off, or be deported. But unless he could get rid of his "replacement," there wasn't much hope for him.

Bonnie had had plenty of time to decide he wasn't coming back and put the land in her name exclusively. If that was the case, she probably didn't see the need to file a complaint. But, perhaps someone else had. Someone who would have known she changed the title on the land.

Drummond. He was the only possibility. If Bonnie hadn't filed the complaint, he must have.

Otherwise, Sylor knew he would have been pursued long before this.

Sylor had felt the call of the wild; the desire to be free of obligations and duties, and he had listened to it, just as he always had — doing whatever happened to suit him at the time. And now, it was in his best interest to return. But how to do it? How to make her want him back?

He hated resorting to murder, which would have been the easiest way to get rid of such an impediment. Perhaps there was another way...

Sylor might have been invisible to anyone else, but not to Lynx. Lynx had picked up his scent; the scent embedded in the pillow he'd slept on for months. When he first became aware of it, it took him a moment to realize that his pillow wasn't following him, but that the former owner of it was nearby. His first instinct was to fight, but the longer Lynx considered the matter, the more he felt that it might be pointless. Bonnie had never said she didn't love Ulla's father; just that he was gone.

Would she take him back? The realization that she probably would hit Lynx so hard he nearly fell.

She must have loved him once, Lynx realized, and he had fathered her child. She'd told Lynx that she loved him, but why would she keep him when she could have a man who could be a real lover to her and could give her more children?

Lynx rubbed the implant in his arm absently. It was still there; a reminder of his former status as a slave. As bad as those memories were, it was a wonder he'd never cut it out before. The moment he was freed, it should have been removed — whatever its purpose. Lynx had imagined all manner of reasons for the device, chief among them that it was a poison that would be released if he should ever attempt to escape. Now that he understood the reason for it, it seemed so simple; the master had not wanted his slave women to give birth to anyone's children but his own.

Lynx had only been there to serve them, not impregnate them. He'd been told he would die if he ever removed the implant, but not the how or the why. He could see it now; if he had removed it, he would have fathered children, and he would have been put to death as a result. Thinking back, Lynx realized that the women must not have known of it either. He'd smelled their fear and heard their whispers. It might have meant their own death to give birth to his child. Some of them might have at least discerned that he was sterile — after all, he'd mated with each one of them, and none of the many children he'd seen born had ever been his own. He understood the reason now, but the pain of it still lingered. It had been cruel, but when did anyone take into account the feelings of a slave?

But he wasn't a slave anymore. He was a free man, and, scenting his rival, he would fight, perhaps even kill, to keep his mate. On Zetith, such confrontations were rare, for when a woman chose a man for her mate, it was for life. Rivalry was nearly unheard of. But as his blood heated and his hackles rose, he knew that this was something deep; an instinct long buried in his species. He would not give her up without a fight.

But first, there was something else that needed to be done.

He found Bonnie in the bathroom on her knees by the tub, engaged in giving a very lively Ulla her bath. Without preamble, he said: "I want to get rid of this."

"What?" she said, glancing over her shoulder. "What are you talking about?"

"This," he said, pointing to the implant in his arm. "I wish to be freed."

Bonnie pushed a stray lock of hair from her eyes and stared up at him curiously. "But you're already free, Lynx. How will that change anything?"

"It is a reminder to me of what I once was. I want it gone."

"Lynx," Bonnie said gently, thinking she understood the reason for his urgency. "It only makes you sterile, not impotent."

"Still, I want it removed."

"Right now?" She gathered a squeaky-clean Ulla up in a soft towel and held her close. "Vladen's been gone for a while, so he should be back through here soon. We can probably catch him on the next market day."

"No," he said with a swift shake of his head. "Now."

"Sylor had Vladen take his out," Bonnie said doubtfully. "I'm not sure of the procedure..."

"It should not be difficult," Lynx said impatiently. "If you will not do it, then I will cut it out myself."

"Well, now wait a minute, maybe I could — " But she was talking to empty space.

Now that he'd decided on it, Lynx couldn't wait another moment; not for Vladen to return, nor for Bonnie to reluctantly agree. The knife was sharp, and it stung where he cut himself. Forcing the end of the tube through the opening in his skin, he pulled it out, discovering that it hurt far less to remove than it had to put it there. He held it up to the light. It looked so simple, so innocuous. How could such a small device change his life so profoundly?

Bonnie dressed Ulla quickly and set her down to play on the floor. She found Lynx in the kitchen, bleeding, and the implant gone, smashed into a thousand pieces.

"Boy, when you decide to do something, you don't waste any time, do you?" Bonnie commented.

Searching his face, she tried to get some idea of why he'd felt it was so urgent. Her voice sincere and her expression quite serious, she added, "I would have done it for you, Lynx. I was just... busy."

Lynx was already feeling a bit chagrined for his impatience. "I could not wait," he said with a shrug.

"I do not know why." He did know, but the fact that Sylor was in the vicinity was one that he was reluctant to impart to Bonnie. How would she react when he told her? He had no idea whether she would be angry or elated, but he was hoping for anger. Sylor had left her, stolen from her, and while she'd told Lynx she loved him, he'd never heard her say she loved Sylor, but Lynx was sure she must have at one time. He knew her well enough by this time to know that she would not treat such a matter lightly.

"Well, no harm done," Bonnie said briskly. "I might have swabbed it with an antiseptic first if I'd done it, but I don't think there's anything to worry about." Bonnie was glad Lynx had been the one to insist on removing the implant, because she didn't want him to think that her only interest in the matter was to restore his sexual capability — which wasn't the real reason at all, but it would have been a welcome side effect.

"I am not worried," Lynx said. "I have suffered worse injuries with no ill effect." He hesitated for a moment, debating on what to say to her. Taking a deep breath, he said, "But I was told I would die if it was ever removed."

Bonnie felt the floor give way beneath her feet. "And you pulled it out anyway?" It terrified her to think that she might have been wrong. "Oh, my God," she said faintly. "Maybe it wasn't what I thought it was after all! Maybe we should — "

"No," Lynx said quickly, cutting her off. "You were correct; if I had fathered a child while I was a slave, it probably would have resulted in my being killed." He winced as the other thought came to him, " — along with the child — and possibly the child's mother."

"I didn't think about the possibility of you being killed," Bonnie admitted. "But I did think about the children. That's why the women didn't want their babies to be yours, Lynx. It had nothing to do with you personally." Noting his stricken expression, she added, "It was pretty heartless not to explain it to you, but you were a slave."

Lynx nodded. She was right. It was nothing more than what he'd told himself already, but hearing it from her made it seem... better somehow. He stared down at the shattered remains of the implant.

"And now it is gone, but it still makes no difference."

He was feeling sorry for himself, and he knew it, but he said it anyway. There were demons he needed to exorcise — demons that haunted him constantly.

"You might be surprised," Bonnie murmured.

He looked at her curiously. "Are you really so unlike the others I have known? I feel it; and I want to believe it, but sometimes the past is too strong, and I — "

Bonnie sighed deeply. "Guess I have to come right out and say it, don't I?"

His face went blank, and he stopped breathing, waiting for what she would say.

"I'm glad you took that thing out if it was so important to you. I love you so much, Lynx. You're a good father to Ulla, and you'd be a good father to your own children too."

"Perhaps," he said. Judging from his expression, he didn't believe it.

Bonnie shook her head. "I'll try every way that I can, Lynx. Vladen can help. You'll see."

"What are you saying?" he whispered.

Bonnie smiled at him lovingly. "I want to have your children, Lynx. We'll do whatever it takes to make it happen."

Lynx felt the blood drain out of his face. "But, how is that possible?"

"There are lots of ways," she assured him. "Medical treatment is probably a lot more advanced here than it was on Paemay, or even Zetith. Vladen can do some pretty remarkable things — you haven't gotten to see it yet, but you will." Bonnie had been speaking urgently, encouragingly, but was struck with a sudden shyness as she lost some of her confidence. Maybe she was wrong; maybe that wasn't what he wanted after all. "If — if that's what you want."

Lynx closed his eyes, remembering all the children he'd brought into the world; all the times he'd held his breath until he could see, until he knew. His head began to spin, and Bonnie caught him in her arms to steady him. "No one ever — " he whispered.

"Lynx, you understand why that was, don't you?" she said. "It wasn't you! It was the situation you were in! There's nothing wrong with you — and there never has been! There is absolutely no reason why any woman in her right mind wouldn't love you and want to be with you forever and have your children! It's what I want more than anything in the world — and I'm not what you'd call an easy mark! I was ready to swear off men entirely because I didn't think the kind of man I wanted even existed!" Her eyes filled with tears as she cupped his cheek and gazed into his exotic eyes, at the strong planes of his face. "But you do exist, and you are real. You're honest, loving, intelligent, and I'm so lucky to have found you." Bonnie paused as she attempted a watery smile. "Of course, the fact that you're downright gorgeous doesn't hurt, either."

Lynx couldn't help but smile back. "It is I who am lucky to have found you," he said. "You are such a stubborn woman! When I think of how I have acted, I am surprised you did not have me sent back to Paemay."

"Don't think I didn't try," Bonnie said dryly. "But Drummond wouldn't let me." She paused a moment before adding reflectively, "Jack probably would have had my hide for getting you deported, too, and I'm sure Cat and Leo wouldn't want to lose track of you now that they've found you." She looked up at him shyly. "And Jack told me a little bit about what it was like to have a Zetithian lover."

Once again, Lynx's face became an unreadable mask. "I am sorry that I cannot — " He dropped his head. "I was once a very skilled lover. I could do such things — "

"Shhh," she said, putting a finger to his lips. "Please, don't apologize for that anymore. It's not your fault, Lynx. None of it is. Besides, if you could still function, you would never have been sold, and you would never have come to this world. You would still be a slave, and we would never have met — and that really would have been a tragedy."

She followed those words up with a poignant kiss but felt a fierce determination grow within her. I will not lose him. He will know what it is to be loved. I promise.

Lynx couldn't help but feel regret when he kissed her. There had been a time when he could make a woman feel nothing but pleasure, casting an erotic spell that left them sated and sleeping, but always eager for more when they awoke. As much as he'd done to please them, those women should have worshiped the ground he walked on, but they never had. He had given so much but had received nothing in return. Bonnie had been happy with so much less and had shown him so much more kindness. He didn't understand the difference, but he liked it. He only wished he could give her everything, but that was impossible.

B onnie couldn't have said just when she noticed it, but over the next few days Lynx's lovemaking became as mechanical as she had suspected it might be at the outset. He was doing all the same things, and they were having a similar effect, but something had changed. Knowing just how far he had come, she might have expected him to backslide a little, but she also knew that he could progress even further if given the right amount of support and encouragement. Still, she couldn't forget that first night when she'd seen the fire in his eyes. She tried to analyze it; what had been the trigger that set him off? Lynx was still there with her, but the heat was gone, and she wanted it back.