Out of the Blackness (35 page)

“Of course you are. Avery, you’re incredibly beautiful to me.” His hands frame my face and tilt it up to meet his gaze again. “No scar is going to scare me away, I promise.” When I merely stare at him mutely, he tries again. “That’s what it is, right? You have some scars from your childhood?”

I swallow hard and nod again, eyes filling.

“They won’t scare me away.” His eyes practically beg me to believe him and I really, truly want to. But Noah hasn’t seen. Well, he has, but he doesn’t remember because his brain was busy boiling at the time, so he doesn’t know. I stare back at him, paralyzed with fear.

“Show me,” he whispers.

I shake my head within his gentle grip.

“You just told me about all kinds of horrible things that happened to you. I’m still here. I always will be. You can trust me with this, too. I promise it’ll be okay.”

When his hands move to the hem of my shirt, I’m gripped with terror, torn between running and finally getting it over with. Noah hesitates, silently seeking my permission. With a deep breath, I close my eyes, raise my arms above my head, and let him strip away my last secret with the cotton.

I hear his sharp intake of breath and swiftly cross my arms over my chest as shame floods me. Why? Why did I think it would be okay? Why did I give Noah that much power to hurt me? Why do I keep thinking I can be normal? I’m not one of them. And now Noah knows it all. Blindly I grab for the cloth still in Noah's hand, needing to get dressed and away from him as fast as possible.

“Hey, hey, hey. Easy.” His hands on my face still me instantly. I flinch away but he doesn’t let me go. Instead, his thumb finds my lip. I look at him then, thoroughly confused, bursting with shame and self-hatred.

“I was right,” he says around a small smile. “You are beautiful.”

I desperately search his eyes but find no duplicity, no pity, only Noah and the way he always looks at me. He gently pulls my arms from my chest and kneels on the concrete between us. His eyes never leave mine as he leans forward and presses his lips to my red, ragged scar. My breath catches as new tears fill my eyes. Could he really be saying he’s not repulsed by me? Could it—?

“I love you, Avery,” he says distinctly.

The abilities to speak and breathe desert me. I stare at him, frozen, sure I’ve misheard.

His big, rough hands cup my face again and he brings our foreheads together. My eyes close in confusion. I lean against him even as I struggle to make sense of the last few minutes. “Did you hear me?” he whispers. “I said I’m completely in love with you.” He ghosts his lips across mine. With a sob, I launch myself into his strong, warm arms.

I hear Noah's chuckle, feel it rumble in his chest where our bare skin touches for the first time. I bury my face in his neck and try to remember how to breathe. Noah loves me. The sheer volume of happiness in me forces tears from my eyes. I feel like laughing, too, but one must first breathe to laugh. I press my lips to his skin, reveling in the moment I never, ever would have believed would happen to me. I had hoped, but I hadn’t let myself believe it could be true. Noah loves me. Really, truly loves me. My small arms wrap tighter around his broad shoulders and, at last, I laugh giddily.

He squeezes me tighter. “Is that a good laugh?”

I nod into his neck.

“You’re okay with me loving you?”

“Yes,” I laugh.

“Is it possible you feel the same way?”

“Yes,” I whisper against his neck, stupidly embarrassed. I’ve never said it before. It’s like I don’t know how. I want to say it, but I can’t form the words, can’t make myself that much more vulnerable. I’ve bared my soul and my scars to Noah today. Surely he can wait for my heart.

Chapter 15 - August

“I
t’s one year today,” I tell Kendall, nervously fingering a puzzle piece. I don’t need to elaborate for her. It’s all we’ve been talking about for the last few sessions, that and Noah.

“Is it?” Her eyes flick up to mine as she fits in another piece of greenery. “How do you feel about that knowing Tommy’s in prison for a long time?”

I grab another puzzle piece and try to work that out in my frantic little mind. There’s so much more to tell Kendall today. Not just about the one-year anniversary of Tommy’s attack on me, but about what happened two days ago. I shove those happy thoughts down with a giddy grin and direct my mind back to Tommy. “It’s weird. It’s like this is a big day for me.” I set the piece aside and look directly at her. “He really screwed up my life a year ago. I was starting to think that I wasn’t going to be anyone’s punching bag again, but then there he was, making my life miserable just like always.” I smile, something I never would have thought I’d do in association with last August. “To be honest, if it weren’t for you and Noah, I would probably be hiding in my closet right now, doped up on Ambien and valium, just hoping and praying I could sleep the day away.”

“We’ve made a lot of progress,” she answers with a genuinely pleased smile.

“We have,” I agree. “I know we still have a lot of work to do, but I’m not the same person Sam dragged into your office all those months ago. I feel like a normal person again. I know that I’m not responsible for my mother’s poor decisions. I know I’m not destined to be a punching bag for the cosmos. I’m actually happy instead of being afraid all the time.”

“That’s fantastic, Avery, I’m very proud of you. But I want to let you know that you are the same person. We’ve just been able to change the way you think and feel about yourself. This guy you’re so happy being, he was always there fighting to get out; there was just a bushel of crap keeping him locked away inside you. We do have some more work to do to make sure you never slide back into that blackness you were in, but I feel confident you’re going to make it. Ever since that day you walked in here determined Sam was trying to pawn you off on Noah, you’ve worked very hard to get healthy. It’s paid off quite handsomely, don’t you think?” She smirks.

I laugh, catching the reference to Noah. “Quite handsomely, indeed. In fact, I have some news on that front, too.”

“Do tell.”

I can actually pinpoint the time our therapy sessions became less like torture and more like confidants sharing secrets. It was the day I walked into her office to find a card table set up with a choice of three puzzles to work. Of course, at first I thought it was a trap, but she’d finally persuaded me it would help put me at ease while we talked about difficult topics. I don’t know if it’s an approved therapeutic tool, but it definitely worked the way she intended. We’ve worked a lot of puzzles together in the last few months, but my favorite is still the Neuschwanstein puzzle. I think I’ll suggest to Noah that we work that one together next. Maybe we can find a place for it on one of his walls once it’s finished.

I glance at the current puzzle, of which only the borders and one corner are finished, and laugh. “He told me he loves me.”

“He did?” Kendall clasps her hands together and lets out a delighted giggle. “Oh, Avery, that’s wonderful! Did you say it back? Tell me everything!”

And so I do. “I didn’t say it back. Somehow I just couldn’t form the words. I think I was in shock. I mean, I’ve been thinking for a while that maybe he felt that way, but to hear him say it—especially right then, when I’d just bared my very soul and every scar on my body to him, it was just too much. But I will tell him.” The laugh bubbles right out of my unbelievably happy soul. “I want to shout it from the mountaintops, so I’m definitely going to have to tell him soon.”

“Are you nervous about telling him?”

I smile. “Actually, no. The one thing I feared was that he wouldn’t feel the same way, but we’ve cleared that up. I just want to make it special, you know? I don’t want it to be a throw-away moment for him.”

“You have a plan.”

“A little bit.”

***

I prowl Noah’s kitchen like a caged tiger, glaring at the oven timer every few seconds. My mind won’t stop, unlike the dang timer, which won’t seem to count down. It’s been two days since I confessed everything to Noah. Two days since he said he loves me. Two days since he convinced me to bare the marks on my body and soul for his inspection. Two days since he tenderly and sensuously rubbed sunscreen into the bare skin of my back, chest, and shoulders and later took me into the water.

I groan at the sensory memory. Feeling Noah's hands slide along my slicked skin was the most erotic moment of my life, better even than stroking him off in his kitchen. My body reacted to the feel of him, sending blood rushing up to meet his hands then then run tell the tale to my groin, which showed its appreciation by almost making a mess all over the inside of my borrowed shorts. Thankfully Noah stopped his caresses before things got truly out of hand, but I was left dazed and tingling on the lounger while he cut a couple of paths through the water, the laps no doubt calming his own physical reaction to our touch.

Today, my beautiful Noah is attending the first day of his master’s program classes, so it’s a milestone day for both of us. Finally the timer dings and I fling myself at the refrigerator. I scoured the internet before my appointment with Kendall this morning, hoping to find some romantic recipe to make tonight. After two hours of painfully fruitless searching, I stumbled upon a recipe for coffee-crusted beef tenderloin steaks. Knowing Noah loves his coffee as much as he does a good steak, it seems like the reasonable compromise. Now that they’ve marinated for thirty minutes, I just have to pan sear them, then bake them for ten minutes, by which time Noah should be home.

Home. The word itself brings a picture of Noah to my mind. It seems strange that in less than a year I could go from being so frightened of him to wanting to spend the rest of my life taking care of him, loving him and being loved by him. It’s serendipitous that Sam forced me into therapy at the same time Noah Yates showed up in my life. I’ve heard people say that some things you can plan for, but the greatest things often take you by surprise. Noah certainly has been a wonderful surprise.

I hear his key in the lock as I pull the steaks out of the oven. I couldn’t have planned this better if I’d tried any harder. I place the tinfoil tents over the steaks just as he walks through the door.

“Lucy, I’m home,” he teases.

I laugh and almost run into the living room to greet him. He wraps me in a tight embrace and places a kiss in my hair. I stand on my toes to receive the real kiss I’ve been waiting for all day. It is worth the wait, as it always is. I ignore the tingling spreading through my body like wildfire and pat his tight behind. “Go get a quick shower. Dinner’s ready.”

He doesn’t release me like I expect him to. Instead, he tightens his hold on me with one arm and caresses my lower lip with my favorite thumb in all of creation. “Have I told you today that I love you?”

I slide my arms around his neck and bring him in for another kiss. “Have I told you today that I love you, too?” It’s not the way I intended to tell him. I had planned for a lengthy confession of my feelings over dinner. When I see the dimples appear as his grin spreads wide on his face, I know this is better than what I had planned. The simplicity of it is just right. He doesn’t need me to make a production out of stating my feelings; he just needs to hear that I feel the same way.

His lips come down on mine in the tenderest of kisses, exploring and discovering like we’ve never kissed before. It’s his way of reassuring me, letting me know without words that everything will be alright. I already know it, but I love that he cares enough to show me this way.

***

After dinner, we take our coffee out to the patio. With the excitement of telling him how I feel combined with a healthy dose of coffee beans on the steaks and now liquid coffee, I’m not sure I’ll ever sleep again. Over the meal he raved about, we discussed his first day of classes and my appointment with Kendall. I told him the exciting news that she wants to scale back our sessions to once a week. I’ve been waiting for that moment, waiting for her to say I’m healthy enough not to need her so often. I feel like I’ve reclaimed this day, made it a positive memory in spite of what Tommy tried to do to me a year ago.

There’s so much in my head I still need to say to Noah. I set my coffee down on the table between our chairs and move to sit on his lap. I laugh silently to myself; I’m so completely saturated with love and happiness. I kiss him tenderly and he reaches up to stroke my dog tag, something that has become his habit within the last few weeks.

“You know, I had this whole speech prepared to tell you I love you,” I begin. “But when you came in the door, it just seemed so natural to tell you back. I’ve wanted to say it for weeks, but I was still afraid. I’m not afraid anymore and I have you to thank for that. When I look back at my life before you, it’s mostly just blackness. For a long time I thought I was a parasite on the earth, just waiting for it to kill me when it was done with me. Now I know that the true parasite was inside me, killing me from the inside out. At first, I thought it was the hope I have for a better future or the love I feel for you, but I learned it was the self-doubt and self-hatred Mom and Carl and Tommy were able to poison me with. Sam and Joey, they were my two bright spots in a world of blackness, but even they weren’t enough to make me see the truth. But you—Noah, you encouraged me to step into the light, to feel the heat and the joy of the sun. You allowed me to learn and grow at my own pace, to stumble and fall and get back up again. Somewhere along the way, I realized I was worthy of the love I feel for you—and what I feel from you, too. That’s something I never thought would or could happen to me. I didn’t think I was worthy of it, but you knew all along, didn’t you? You chased away the blackness, Noah. You’ve made me realize I want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life here in the sunshine with you. I love you.”

I can’t believe how easy it is to say, how powerful it feels to be able to say that to him and have absolutely no fear.

“Oh, Avery, I love you, too. I’m so proud of you. You could have continued to live in that world of blackness and fear, but you chose not to and you’ve worked damn hard to heal yourself and grow stronger. It took a lot of courage. You’re so strong and so wonderful, and I’m the luckiest man on the planet to have you.” I hear the emotion in his voice and I know all is finally right in my world. I’m not Tucker anymore, not the kid who was the outlet for everyone’s negativity. Finally I’m really and truly Avery, the man Noah Yates is in love with, the guy who has so many friends who care about him he has to use a second hand to count them. But most importantly, I’m Avery who is in love with the most amazing man on the planet.