Out of Sight Out of Mind (23 page)

She saw the shock of the words go through him.

‘I …’ He steepled his fingers against his mouth. ‘I don’t have anything to say in my defence, except that I bitterly regret it now. And I’d undo it if I could. But then we wouldn’t have met. Quite simply, you’re the best thing that’s ever happened in my life. I realised that, the moment I got my memory back. I hope you can believe it. It’s not much recompense for the disaster I’ve brought with me, but it is the truth.’ He put his hands down flat on the table. ‘I still hope you’ll change your mind and let me try and sort out this mess alone, but it’s your call, Madison. Whatever you want, I’ll accept.’

‘We have to make this work,’ she said quietly. ‘I’m going with you, Jay, but as a partner and an equal, not as a helper. I’m doing it with both eyes open.’ No matter how much she wanted to run and hide. ‘The only way either of us has a future now is to go through with your plan.’

The rain had stopped. Madison paced down the path, wet vegetation brushing her ankles. She needed to walk, to burn off adrenaline and order her thoughts. She wasn’t going anywhere near what she’d just agreed to do. That would only paralyse her with terror. Which left Jay … and her. The man she’d come to … care about, didn’t exist. What she had in its place was more complex, more dangerous. The physical attraction hadn’t gone away. Jay Jackson or Jayston Creed, the man’s body was the same.

A reluctant smile forced its way through. The man was hot and she wanted him. No change there. But the rest of the package?

She skirted the last boulder in the path, and slapped down on to the rain-drenched sand of the beach. There was a dog racing in and out of the waves, barking at the gulls. She stopped to watch as his owner threw a stick, hunching into her jacket.

It wasn’t just a matter of forgiveness. Jay had involved her in his experiment with a calculation that she couldn’t ignore. His remorse was genuine; she had no doubt of that. But whether she accepted it? That was one issue. The other was bigger.
Do you want a relationship with Jayston Creed?
Do you
want
this man to love you?

She found a rock that had dried out in the stiff breeze and perched on it, sorting through her emotions with as much honesty as she could find.

Had part of Jay Jackson’s appeal been his desperate need for her help? Jayston Creed didn’t need her in the same way. He was brilliant, and flawed. A man who could threaten her, professionally and personally. A man who had the power to unlock all her secrets. Mentally her guard had to stay up, even though she hadn’t sensed him trying to read her. She could feel him though, on the edge of her mind, hoping she would let him in.

She looked back at the cottage, high on the cliff.
How far can I trust you, Jay?

Can I trust you at all?

His breath was misting the glass. Jay braced his arm on the window ledge, watching the small figure trudging along the beach below. He hadn’t offered to go with her. He’d known, without being told, that Madison needed to walk alone. The temptation, when she was near, to focus his power, to reach out to touch her, mind to mind, was almost overwhelming. But that wasn’t the way to go. It wasn’t just a matter of ethics and an unwilling subject. He knew, bone deep, that he couldn’t reach her that way. Not on a level that mattered. His mouth twisted. It didn’t stop him throwing out the occasional lure, when temptation got too strong. No, not lure – invitation. A thought, hovering in the air, for her to pick up, if she would. So far she hadn’t, but he wasn’t giving up hope. Except – what could he say to her, inside her mind, that he couldn’t say face to face?

He took a deep breath. What exactly did Madison have to gain from letting him inside her head?
Are you simply looking for connection to meet your own needs?
Seeking the warmth of her mind to comfort the chill in yours?
Not that it mattered. Madison’s impeccable defences remained in place. And he didn’t blame her. But it was achingly lonely, here on the outside.
And no more than you deserve
.

His thoughts were turning the pit of his stomach to ice. He rested his forehead on the pane. It was cold and clammy to the skin.
Cold within and cold without.
He was bleeding out inside. As he deserved to be. He’d thought his life was over when he’d walked away from the wreckage, after the trial. He hadn’t even come close. If Madison turned away from him—

She’d agreed to help him, but if she couldn’t forgive him—

You chose to do this. What were you? Crazy?
Oh sure – Alec convinced you this crock of shit could work, but man, you were more than halfway there.

Madison was sitting on a rock now, watching a dog splashing in the water.

You can’t blame this one on Alec
.
You were already on that path.

If you’d never begun this, you’d never have met her. If you hadn’t begun it, you’d never have put the most precious thing in your life in danger.

It had all worked like a charm – better than a charm. The amnesia programme that he and Alec had sweated over had miraculously held up, almost completely intact. And they
had
sweated. His stomach churned at the memory. The Organisation had never doubted that he had been their prisoner, apparently in fear for his life, forced to do as they demanded. They were convinced that everything had been achieved through Alec’s expertise and massive medication. In reality it had taken his and Alec’s pooled skills, a few carefully selected drugs, sheer bloody-mindedness – and luck. And it had worked, except for that one lapse, the tiny slip that had let him remember part of his name. All the rest of the list had stayed in place. And what a list! He could barely believe that it
had
worked. The powerful connection when he and Madison met, to entice her in; his initial resistance, so that she wouldn’t suspect she was being set up; his compulsion to avoid any kind of authority; the test of Madison’s powers offered by the apparently impenetrable wall; the gradual breakdown of its defences, in stages, as her cleverness undermined it, and their emotional bond grew stronger.
Emotional bond? Don’t you mean love?
Success that ebbed and flowed, to keep her involved and interested.

So much fell into place, now – the headaches when he’d tried to probe his own mind too deeply, the way he’d been quite comfortable around Madison’s extraordinary talent, his illogical certainty that everything was as it should be, when it was quite patently not so, his awareness of a strange core of detachment, even in the middle of a personal nightmare. They’d planned and planted it all. It was a textbook performance. One for the journals. And Madison had been … amazing.

And now he was in love with her. He shifted his arm, leaning against the window frame, staring out without seeing. His mind turned relentlessly in on itself – returning in an endless circle to that sickening moment when he awoke and realised who he was, and what he’d done. He’d known immediately, with stunning certainty, that he’d never been in love before, but that he was now. The leap of joy his heart gave lasted barely a second, before the horrific implications of what he remembered wiped it away.

Jay came painfully back to awareness of his surroundings. Madison was retracing her steps along the beach. He turned away from the window. For a moment he stood, undecided. One last attempt to convince her to run, and not look back?
Oh, yeah, like that’s going to work
.

The sigh came up all the way from his boots. Madison was right. The only way now was forward. Which meant he had to protect her, in every way he knew.

He headed for the phone.

The way up to the cottage was steep. In parts steps had been cut into the rock, to ease the ascent. The bushes on either side were still heavy with water drops. Madison took her time, avoiding a soaking and husbanding her breath. The view, as she stopped at one of the tiny natural terraces in the cliff, was a meld of grey on grey. Sea and sky meeting and stretching on forever. Until they fell off the end of the world.

She hadn’t reached any new decisions. She hadn’t really expected to. All she could do was feel her way. Guard up, as always. Ever since her parents had died in a hail of bullets. Since before that. She pushed the idea out of her head. Not a thought to harbour around Jayston Creed.

The man who said he loved her.

There was a jeep parked beside her car. She walked around it and let herself in quietly, through the kitchen, hanging up her jacket and shaking out her hair. In the mirror, on the wall beside the sink, she discovered a surprisingly normal reflection. The redness of her eyes had faded and her cheeks were rosy from the sting of the wind. She stepped into the hall. There was a low murmur of male voices behind the door of the living room. She couldn’t distinguish the words. She put her hand on the door and pushed.

Jay was standing beside the fireplace, every line of his body tense. His head came up when he saw her. Had he hoped that she’d change her mind, that she wouldn’t come back?

The second man was sitting on the sofa, with his back to her. All she could make out was the top of a sleek, blond head. Not Alec Carver. He was dark. Unless he, too, had a body double.

As she walked into the room the man rose from his seat, and turned.

If she’d tumbled into the rabbit hole, she hadn’t stopped falling yet.

Jay stepped forward.

‘Madison, this is—’

‘I know who it is,’ she forestalled him. Part of her mind was impressed how cool her voice was. ‘Hello, Craig.’

Jay’s face, she decided, was well worth seeing. Total incomprehension. Not that she was much better, but she wasn’t going to let it show.

‘You’ve already met?’ Jay’s voice sounded rusty.

‘You could say that,’ Madison nodded. ‘Craig was meant to be the best man at my wedding. He was Neil’s closest friend.’

‘Hello, Maddie.’ Craig spoke for the first time. He offered his hand. After a second’s delay Madison took it, then leaned in to peck his cheek for good measure. Her nerves were tightening like wires, but she was damned if she was going to reveal it. Jay looked as if he’d swallowed a bag of nails. Craig was the only one, of the three of them, who appeared in any way relaxed.
But then, he’d known what was coming.

He was watching her, eyelids slightly narrowed. Probably realised what she was thinking, even without mind-reading skills. ‘You’re looking well,’ he said blandly when she dropped his hand and stepped back.

‘And you,’ Madison responded automatically. Polite chitchat, when her mind was screaming
what the hell are you doing here?

Which was nothing to what was going on in Jay’s head, if his eyes were any indicator.

‘Shall we sit down?’ Craig indicated the sofa. Madison, finding her knees were suddenly not up to the job, collapsed into it. Craig took the chair. Jay, after a brief hesitation, propped himself against the arm of the sofa. Madison took a moment to admire the territorial manoeuvring.

‘I called Craig—’ Jay began, and then stopped.

Madison’s knees might be unreliable, but her brain had gone into overdrive. ‘The Security Service, the ones you’re working with. Craig’s your what? … Handler?’
And he’d been close, close enough to get here in an hour
.

‘That’s quite a jump,’ Craig said evenly.

‘Assuming that someone I thought was a corporate accountant is really some sort of high-class government agent?’

Craig bowed ironically at the compliment of high-class. Memories clouded Madison for an instant. His sense of humour had always been one of the things she’d liked about him.

‘Believe me,’ she continued, ‘around here it’s no jump at all. Unicorns, dragons, flying pigs. Bring them on.’

Craig shrugged, aiming a mildly sheepish grin at Madison. She averted her eyes, unwilling to be drawn back into old alliances.
If things go to plan, you will double cross this old friend.
She shifted uneasily, before her resolve stiffened. Craig’s masters would take everything they wanted from Jay and from her, if they could, without scruple. In the name of national security. She sat up straighter.

Jay’s hand drifted in, to settle on her shoulder. Analysing the warmth and the grip, she decided it could stay there. ‘How far have you got?’ She flashed a glance between the men.

‘Not much further than hello. I’ve only just arrived,’ Craig offered.

‘Not enough time to explain that he already knew you.’ Jay shot the other man a pointed look. ‘Which has
never previously been mentioned
, if my recollection is accurate.’

Craig shrugged again, unconcerned. ‘Need-to-know basis.’

Madison felt the tension in Jay ratcheting up a few notches.

Time to get back on-message. ‘You want to tell us what should happen next? I assume you’ve worked something out?’ She looked up, directing her question at Jay.

‘Only an outline, of the more obvious parts.’ He looked from Madison to Craig. Craig nodded that he should go on. Jay cleared his throat, speaking slowly. ‘This isn’t exactly a full-scale plan. Just as far as I’ve got. The way I see it, we return to London tomorrow, as if everything is normal. Once there, we restage the breakthrough, for the Organisation’s benefit. I’m assuming your office and lab will have been bugged over the weekend.’ He looked over at Craig. Craig nodded again. Jay took a visible breath, before continuing, ‘Alec will be in charge of picking us up. Craig’s people will be in place to make sure nothing goes wrong.’

Madison suppressed an inappropriate impulse to laugh, that might have its roots in hysteria. The capacity for something to go wrong – well, it was a lot higher than for it to go right.

‘Fine,’ she said, channelling calm.

Craig was frowning. ‘You’re comfortable, going along with this?’

‘Perfectly.’
Liar
. She gave her best impersonation of relaxing against the sofa. ‘There are a couple of things I would like to know from you, though, before I finally commit.’ Jay’s hand jumped on her shoulder. She ignored it. She fixed her eyes on Craig. He was looking uneasy now.

‘Anything I can do.’

‘You can tell me the truth.’ She breathed deep. Part of her didn’t want to do this. A larger part understood that she had to. The question that had been growing in her mind was too big. She tilted her head, to look directly into Craig’s face. There was no easy way. She just had to say it. ‘Was Neil working with you? Did he love me, or was I just a job? Was I about to marry a
real
spook?’