Our Heart (46 page)

Melissa started to walk off the stage and then, doing her best “Oh I forgot” came back to the microphone. “There is one more thing that I wanted to say,” her voice excited. “The committee has a special treat for everyone; no, it’s not food.” There were a few snickers from the group. “Tonight one of our own is going to sing for us.” Everyone started looking around to see who it might be. I watched Allison’s expression as several people where looking over at her and the empty chair next to her. I heard several people say, “It’s Jason,” and I smiled in spite of myself. Melissa responded, “In fact we are getting a two-for-one deal tonight, Jason and his cousin Justin.” The sound level increased dramatically and, when Justin and I made our way on stage, everyone started clapping. Several of the kids made comments. “It’s the DJ; Hey, I didn’t know Jason could sing.”

Justin and I put our chairs towards the front of the stage and sat half-facing each other and the other half-facing the dance floor. No one knew what to do, whether to come out and dance or just sit to listen to us. Justin and I tuned our guitars and strummed a few chords to make sure of the sound. I took a moment and searched for Allison, who was standing next to Matt and Dani, just off to the side of the stage. They were where they could still face me directly. She was beautiful and smiled at me. It made me feel great, and I was much happier with the decision to sing after all.

I nodded to Justin, and he played the opening chords, and I followed in with the harmony. It was a little backwards; he played the melody and sang the harmony. I played the harmony and sang the melody; we did it so I could concentrate more on my singing. All it took was the first few bars of the song, and I could hear several of the girls oohhing and aahhing. Allison’s eyes were bright, and I made sure I kept mine locked with hers. When Justin and I gave it our all through the first chorus, everyone was out on the dance floor. Matt had one arm around Dani and the other around Allison. By the time we hit the second major harmony run everyone was swaying and singing along.

Justin and I let it all out as we sang, doing both of our mothers proud.
When we finished, it was totally silent, then it burst open with clapping and chants, “MORE, MORE, MORE!” They kept chanting and clapping
,
even as I shook my head no. I jumped off the front of the stage and made for Allison. She met me half way and we hugged as the clapping continued. Justin hit a button on the turntable and a slow song played so Allison and I could have our own dance. She fell into me and I held her tight. She didn’t have to say a word because I felt the same way about her. For the rest of the song, it seemed as if we were the only two out there on the dance floor, and I drank in every moment, every sensation I could, filing it away in my memory forever.

The rest of the dance was fun, but by midnight, most people were ready to go their own ways. Many of us would end up at the after-prom party, others would join together and head for friends’ houses to watch movies and then come for the breakfast at six. When we got to the church, the girls went into one room to change and the guys in another. If felt good to get out of the tux and put on jeans again. A few of the girls stayed more dressed up, but most of them dressed down as well. Allison left her hair up, making quite a contrast with her jeans and favorite sweatshirt. We took a moment away from the gang to kiss. It was the best thank you kiss I’d ever gotten, and I said, “You’re welcome,” causing both of us to laugh.

The deal with the after-prom party was simple; if you came, you couldn’t leave until five-thirty a.m., except for sickness, and even then, a parent would have to be called to come and get you. Breakfast would start being prepared at that time and ready to serve, starting at six. Between now and then, adults would chaperone and make sure everyone stayed where they were supposed to be. It was pretty hard not to go to the after-prom party; parents purchased and donated several great gifts, which the kids had a chance to win during the night. Games were played, where tickets could be won and then deposited in a revolving drum for the chance to be pulled out later as a winner. The prizes were drawn at five in the morning and Allison won a small television-DVD combo. She was pretty happy and kept letting me know that I hadn’t won anything. This was a big jab, considering I had nearly seventy tickets in the drum and she only had five.

Several of the couples were sitting along the walls, some on couches and chairs, and many were sleeping. I was getting more and more antsy all the time. Allison was winding down too. Many of our friends made time to congratulate me on my singing and several of them even jestingly asked for my autograph. It had been a great night. It was nearly
five-thirty
when I woke Allison, who was resting on my shoulder
,
and told her it was time to go. She didn’t say anything and just followed me down to the changing rooms to get our things. I told her we’d have to come back for the TV later. With that comment, she gave me a curious stare. I smiled the best devilish smile I could muster.

I grabbed my pack, which had my flashlight and two extra coats for me and Allison in it. I had her put one on. I had already made arrangements with Matt and Dani to take my tux and Allison’s dress home with them. We went out the door to the back of the church and walked two blocks over to Chestnut Street. From there I led her through Hickory Park and down the trail, which connected farther on with Harden Creek. We crossed the stream and headed through the timber towards Murphy’s meadow. I held on to her hand as we walked in silence, just enjoying each other’s company. It was chilly outside and our shoes became wet with dew as we walked. The sun was due to break over the horizon around six
twenty
-five and I wanted to be at the tree in plenty of time to watch it come up.

Allison guessed quite easily where I was taking her and probably assumed it was so we could watch the sunrise together. She was perking up and keeping pace with me. We came out of the timber into the field. It was relatively dark, but we could still see the silhouette of the great tree in the background of the darkness. We stayed on the path to avoid getting drenched by the dew on the grass. I was glad I had wrapped everything in the tarp. We paused at the tree, and I made sure that Allison stayed on the side away from the heart. I didn’t want her to see it until the sun had come up. I walked over where I hid the sleeping bag and the other day pack with the blankets in it. I spread out the sleeping bag so we could sit on it under the tree. With one big blanket wrapped around us and the other thrown over our legs, we sat with our backs to the tree so we could watch the night sky fade away into the morning light.

The insects and birds notified us that the sun was coming up before we could see it in the sky. Soon, we could see the orange and yellow glow beginning to rise over the east horizon. Allison and I sat huddled together, and I could smell the scent of her shampoo along with the lingering traces of her perfume. I felt more contented and peaceful than I had ever been in my life. We watched the sunrise and, when it was high enough to make the dew sparkle on the field of grass, I kissed Allison deeply. I tried to say everything I felt for her in my kiss, all the love and need I had inside of me, for her. It was hard to pull away from her, and I could tell she was right there with me, feeling the same things. We were silent, totally lost in the moment with each other, blissful in our closeness.

Within me a small voice, seeming to come from somewhere other than me, softly said to Allison, “I have something I’d like you to see.” It was a vague statement, but I sensed Allison’s body react uncertainly. Her eyes became big and she began to tremble. For an instant, I feared my special moment wasn’t going to be as fantastic as I previously anticipated. I wondered if someone had told Allison what I’d been up to and she was dreading the moment at hand. I let it pass, realizing she would have said something, when we headed up this way, if she really had trepidation for what she might see. I gave in to the unexpected and let our course plot itself.

I stood and helped Allison to her feet, keeping the blanket firmly wrapped around her. It was chilly, and the air was moist. I ducked under the big branch and beckoned Allison to come too. She moved with a deliberate slowness, her face displaying a multitude of emotions, and her body waiting several steps behind. She made her way under the branch and kept her eyes on mine. I smiled at her, trying to ease her nervousness. I wanted her to know nothing else mattered but the two of us and the love that bound us together.

She shook, not with fear, and not because of the cold, but because of what she knew was going to be on the tree. I had read her wrong. I didn’t see unhappiness in her eyes; I saw expectation and love. She turned and, for the first time, looked at the heart that was a testament of my love for her. She stood in front of me and took in the carvings in the tree. There were only the sounds of the meadow surrounding us. The gentle breeze made the upper branches of the oak sway, causing shadows to dance in the morning sunlight. The outside world ceased to exist; time became ours to control. In the magic of the moment, we stretched the earthly boundaries and made this time solely ours, a personal mark that would change who we were forever.

Allison did not speak. She pressed her back close against me, and I wrapped my arms tightly around her. She rested the back of her head against the inside of my shoulder and together we looked at all of the hearts carved in the tree. I felt Allison’s warm tears fall on my hand as they slid down her face and dropped from her chin. Only our hearts spoke to each other, as we held on tight. An unbridled sensation began to build between us. Our hearts beat faster, as the compelling need to be close in every way and somehow signify the magnitude of the moment pressed upon us. It was unspoken, yet it spoke louder in meaning than any words could have conveyed.

Allison turned to face me, and the tears glistened on her skin. Her eyes were seeing some place that I desperately wanted to be with her. I understood what God intended when he said “and the two shall become one.” Unity is the coming together of destined souls in a covenant of love and understanding. I offered my life to Allison, just as hers had been presented to me.

Under the protection of the oak tree we gave into each other, our love forever sealed as we became a part of one another. As the sun rose and lit a heart on the tree, two people
,
in an announcement of undying love, found each other and began a journey as one. When time finally began to count forward once again, childhood had given way to adulthood. Under the canopy of branches and, as the symphony of the meadow played its song, I loved Allison with all my heart.

Chapter 27

My life in the last few days seemed to be a collection of moments, memories, once buried and nearly forgotten, only to resurface and take control of my spirit. An alcoholic will try to face his demons by staring down a shot of whiskey and walking away. I stood in front the tree where I had placed my love within the heart etched there. To see the yellow ribbon adorning the heart was one whiskey too many; I fell to my knees and let the emotion of loss envelope me. I could not stop the ravages of sobs and tears; my strength was gone as was my spirit to fight. Even my arms could not hold the burden of my sorrows. I rolled on to my side and wrapped them around me in the only comfort available to me.

The memories of everything good that had been and the knowledge I had walked away when I could have been a man and faced the challenges, washed over me like the newly thawed waters of a lake, fresh and cold. I shook with the loss of what life might have been. I felt the pains of a soul missing the love it should never have denied. A moment shared under the tree had forever bonded two spirits together. Even the distance apart could not dampen the bond, and the march of time could not diminish it. I prayed for answers and guidance. I prayed for all of those I had lost and sought forgiveness for my selfishness.

I heard my grandpa’s words in my mind and in my heart. “Forgiveness starts within; others can’t bestow their forgiveness on you, until you rid yourself of the guilt tearing you down. Make yourself clean in God’s eye. Then you can come to others with an open heart and accept what they offer in return, good or bad.” Then the memories of my grandma and the trust of her secret added weight to my pain; she had somehow known I might face the challenges before me, even trying to warn me, prepare me.

I had spent the last six years blaming myself for everything that had happened in my life. Though I accepted the blame, I never asked for forgiveness. I carried my guilt as an open wound. I placed blame on others, never allowing the wound to heal. I left in a moment of anger, and the regrets of my actions haunted me wherever I went. My mother had told me there were signs all around us; you just had to have the faith to follow them. Coming home had opened my eyes and given me the sight to look back on the signs and see all the ones I’d missed. They told a story of regrets and missed opportunities, reaching deep down into my soul, where the last facet of redemption resided. The tears streamed from my eyes once more; only this time, they were warm and born of hope. I could believe in moving on, and I knew I could face the life before me. I had faith; I could read the signs.

I found the strength to rise off the ground. It was time to acknowledge the last remnant of signs. I needed to bring the past current, to the here and now. I was ready to face the consequences of my actions and move on. I turned to look at what had been left for me to see on the tree. I began to feel the seeds of recompense taking hold, a new chance to truly live and be whole once more. I didn’t hesitate and reached out to caress the ribbon. I let the light shine on the heart and touched its worn outline gingerly with my fingertips. The meaning behind the inscription written there had just as much significance today as it did on the day I first inscribed it there. Only this time, “If you are lost I will find you,” became the clarity of where I had been and who had become lost.