Our Bodies, Ourselves (92 page)

We relive the births of our children many times during the days, weeks, months, and years afterward. Looking back upon your birth experience may call up a wide range of emotions. You may feel fulfilled, ecstatic, and immensely close to your loved ones and your baby, especially if you felt supported and respected throughout the process. You may feel joy, wonder, and a great sense of accomplishment.

© Patti Ramos Photography

On the other hand, if unexpected complications, medical interventions, or insensitive comments and behaviors of medical personnel dominated your birth experience, you may feel a bewildering mix of joy and disappointment. You may feel distant from your baby. It is not uncommon to apologize for having wanted more (“It doesn't matter—after all, my baby is healthy, and that's all that counts”) or to feel sad or guilty about not having had the birth you wanted. Worst of all, you may blame yourself—“My body just didn't work right”—instead of recognizing that you did not get the support that might have resulted in a different outcome or that birth is, in the end, unpredictable.

Even though I was relieved that everything was okay and thrilled with my baby, I had the nagging sense that I had failed somehow. Later I got over feeling that it was my fault, but I still felt cheated out of the birth experience we had hoped and planned for. Sometimes I still can't help feeling a little jealous when I hear women talk about their wonderful birth experiences
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It is normal to have doubts, regret, grief, or anger rising to the surface over time. Talk with your partner, good friends, or a counselor for comfort, understanding, and support. Women's groups and online discussion groups or chat rooms may also be helpful.

If you are dissatisfied and want to learn more about what happened, get a copy of your baby's birth records. Check them against your memories. Talk to the practitioner and others who attended your labor. Write letters to those you feel did not meet your needs; it may help them to become more responsive and respectful in the future. Going through some of these processes may make it possible for you to feel more at peace.

The transformation to becoming a mother is profound; the demands are huge. With a new baby you experience a new identity and responsibilities, a connection with someone who, having been part of yourself for nine months, now becomes an individual outside of yourself who needs your help and support twenty-four hours a day. Our society provides mothers with few if any rituals, resources, or social supports for this transition. Most other Western industrialized societies offer generous paid maternity and paternity leave, flexible working conditions, quality state-run day care programs, and well-organized midwifery services. Though there is little government support for new parents in the United States, many communities have active doula groups, birth networks, breastfeeding support, or new parents' organizations. These groups offer much-needed help with the joyful, difficult, passionate, challenging work of being a mother.

Even now, twenty-four years after my daughter's birth, I am still learning how powerful that event was. It is amazing how the experience of pregnancy, labor, and birth keeps reaching across the years of my life to open doors in my heart
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CHAPTER 17
The Early Months of Parenting

B
ecoming a mother changes everything in your life—turns it upside down—and makes you wonder who you are and whether you are the same person you used to be. Our feelings range from exhilaration to exhaustion, from confidence to uncertainty. Many factors affect how we experience this time in our lives: our physical and mental health and the health of the baby; our feelings about the birth or adoption experience; our ability to feed and nourish our baby; our readiness to be mothers; and the amount and kind of resources we have and support we receive from partners, families, friends, and health care providers.

Many of us find that being a mother brings deep pleasure, intimacy, and insight. Birth and breastfeeding give us a new
respect for our bodies. Caring for and cuddling our babies, we discover new dimensions to loving.

© Christy Scherrer

All three of my postpartum experiences have been among the sweetest times of my life. I felt centered and essentially satisfied in a way I have never felt before or since. Being with my babies gave me such incredible joy
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At the same time, almost all women experience some difficulties navigating the changes new motherhood brings.

During those early weeks, sometimes I wasn't sure where the baby ended and I began. I felt that I had lost my old self and was too tired, physically and emotionally, to find her again. But I was also discovering a new part of myself that I hadn't known about before: unexpectedly intense feelings for my new baby, a resurgence of love for my mother, connection with other women. I went from despair to overwhelming feelings of tenderness, all within the space of an hour
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This chapter focuses on the first few months of parenting, including the physical recovery from pregnancy and birth; breastfeeding, health, and well-being; changes in our relationships; emotional concerns; and some of the more common mental and physical health conditions we may face during these months.

The moments and hours after giving birth are an important time for resting and recovering from the hard work of bringing your child into the world. Though the initial exhilaration that often follows birth can leave you feeling energized, resting in these early days can help you have a faster, easier, and more complete recovery.

I had my baby in a birth center and was home in my own bed four hours after my daughter was born. Friends brought meals over for the first week so my partner and I could revel in the experience of our new family. My mother came later, when my partner had returned to work, and having those extra hands and caring presence around really helped me in those early days
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If you have given birth somewhere other than in your home, you and your health care provider will discuss when you should go home. The standard hospital practice is for women to go home one to two days after a vaginal birth and three to four days after a cesarean birth. These numbers are guidelines; the length of your stay may depend upon how you and your
baby are doing as well as upon your insurance coverage. If you give birth in a birth center, you may be discharged just a few hours after giving birth, but postpartum care typically includes home visits and frequent phone contact from a midwife or nurse in the first week. Postpartum home visits are also typical after a home birth.

Whether you had a straightforward birth or required numerous medical interventions, your body will go through many physical changes in the hours and days after giving birth.

For at least the first couple of weeks, your uterus will still be enlarged and you will still appear pregnant and probably be most comfortable wearing maternity clothing or other loose-fitting clothes. Whether or not you breast-feed, your breasts will swell and may leak milk, especially at night, when your body produces higher levels of the hormone prolactin. A supportive nursing bra and absorbent cotton breast pads can keep you comfortable during these changes, which for most women last just a few weeks. Be sure to change breast pads frequently to keep your breasts dry. Swelling in the legs, feet, and hands is common for several days after giving birth. If swelling is severe, you experience pain in one or both of your legs, or you are swollen more on one side than the other, tell your midwife or doctor, as these could be signs of a blood clot.

Nearly all women experience some kind of body soreness after labor and birth. Back pain or other body aches can result from the physical exertion of labor or from particular labor positions. These aches and pains during the first few days are completely normal. Soaking in a tub, getting a massage, and moving around can help alleviate general soreness. Pay attention to your posture as your body readjusts your center of gravity, and use pillows to support your body's alignment while resting and nursing.

Both women who have vaginal births and women who have cesarean sections experience vaginal discharge after childbirth. This discharge, called lochia, is blood mixed with material from the uterine lining that supported the baby in the womb. It is initially red, then will lighten to pink, then brown, before becoming clear or yellowish and finally stopping four to eight weeks after the birth. Women who have cesarean deliveries may have lochia for a shorter period of time, because much of this material is removed during surgery.

Your bleeding may become slightly heavier for a day or two when you become more active. If this happens, you may be doing too much; try resting for a day.

No one ever talks about it, but a postpartum woman's best friend is a box of high-quality overnight maxi pads—with wings! A friend told me to bring my own before I went into the hospital—and double up on them, front and back—so that I wouldn't have to rely on the hospital's awful ones that move and don't absorb anything anyway. It was great advice
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Like lochia, uterine cramping (pains and feelings of tightness in your belly) is a normal part of recovery from childbirth. This cramping is a sign that your uterus is contracting and returning to its usual size. Uterine cramping is often more intense for women with the second baby and babies after that. These “afterpains” generally stop being painful by the third day after giving birth.

To relieve the cramping, hold a pillow or a heating pad over your abdomen, lie on your stomach if this is comfortable, or lie on your side with a pillow between your legs and over your stomach. Over-the-counter pain medicines such as ibuprofen (sold under brand names such as Motrin or Advil) can be taken. If the cramping is worse during breastfeeding, try taking ibuprofen about fifteen minutes beforehand. Aspirin should be avoided because it can increase bleeding.

Perineal pain due to episiotomy, tears, stitches, or just the stretching of vaginal birth is also very common. It may be uncomfortable to walk or sit.