Our Bodies, Ourselves (68 page)
Read Our Bodies, Ourselves Online
Authors: Boston Women's Health Book Collective
If you suspected that you were pregnant but turn out not to beâand you don't want to become pregnantâhere are some tips:
⢠Find a birth control method that is more suited for you. There are continual improvements and new options, and what may not have worked for you in the past could be substantially different now. See
Chapter 9
, “Birth Control.”
⢠Buy
emergency contraception
and keep a package on hand for backup.
⢠If you are being sexually abused, contact the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (rainn.org, 1-800-656-4673), or contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline (the hotline.org, 1-800-799-7233). More resources are available in
Chapter 24
, “Violence and Abuse.”
If you are not pregnant but realize that you wish you were, you now have time to prepare. To learn more about taking care of yourself and conceiving a child, see
“Trying to Conceive.”
Once you learn that you are pregnant, you will need time to adjust to the news and the vast range of emotions that follow. Even if you are thrilled, you and/or your partner may feel emotionally, physically, spiritually, or economically unprepared to become parents now.
Your next step is to decide whether to continue the pregnancy or to have an abortion. If you decide to carry to term, you may choose to raise the child yourself or have the child raised through closed or open adoption or foster care.
Many of us feel emotionally torn for a long time before we choose the next step. Your body will be going through hormonal changes that affect emotions and feelings. Quiet reflection and talking with close friends or family may help you think through the possibilities.
Yet it is important to make a decision while it is still early in the pregnancy, so that you can
either get prenatal care or have an abortion before the twelfth week of pregnancy, the easiest and safest time to have an abortion. Not making a decision will limit your choices.
IF YOU DON'T REALIZE YOU'RE PREGNANT FOR A WHILE
It is not unusual for women to be more than two months into a pregnancy before realizing they're pregnant. Culture and family upbringing may influence how you interpret changes in your body. Digestive problems, stress, or the flu can all be confused with pregnancy. After having taken so many risks without conceiving or trying for so long without luck, you might have assumed you couldn't
get
pregnant. For some of us, being pregnant is unthinkable, and we just do not accept the signs, or we do not want to make decisions about the pregnancy, so we wait until we are so far along that options are more limited. Whatever the reasons for the delay, it is important to seek medical care as soon as possible for your future and the health of a potential child.
Trust yourself; you can determine what is best. It is a highly responsible and moral act to clarify the right choice for you. The National Abortion Federation offers a free online guide that can help you decide. “Unsure About Your Pregnancy? A Guide to Making the Right Decision for You” is available in the Publications and Research section at prochoice.org.
A partner who is loving and nurturing can offer wonderful support as you face an unexpected pregnancy. But even if you don't have such a person in your life, you deserve and need to be respected during all aspects of pregnancy and decision making.
Most of us have a relative who believes he or she knows what is best for everyone in the family. Some of us also have mothers or other relatives who always welcome a new child in their home, no matter whatâand think you should, too. This could be because of religious beliefs, mourning over the loss of another child, or someone's identity as a caretaker. But this is
their
bias, and you are your own person with your own goals and needs.
Others of us have parents who are ashamed of and concerned about the effects of a child on them or their family. In either case, it can be difficult to go against your family's wishesâespecially when family members threaten to withdraw support or seem angry with youâbut ultimately you're the one who has to make and live with the decision.
Your partner may have passionate reasons for wanting you to carry to term or to abort, but even the most noble reasons might not reflect what is best for you. And sometimes the reasons are not so nobleâfor instance, he may fantasize that a child will suddenly turn your tumultuous relationship into a beautiful partnership. Or he may use a child or an abortion as another excuse to control your life.
If these situations are familiar, trust your instincts and seek support elsewhere. This is a vulnerable time for you; make sure to spend time reflecting on what you want, not what others want you to do. If your loved ones have strong opinions about what you should do, you may need to seek support to stand against their
opinions or to wait until you have made your decisions before telling them. Sometimes doing what your heart says means going against what others want. Seek help from an objective friend or family member, or a counselor or trusted mentor.
SOME COMMON MYTHS DEBUNKED
⢠A child will
not
automatically improve your relationship with your partner.
⢠Abortion is
not
more painful than labor.
⢠Abortion is
not
more expensive than having a child.
⢠Using drugs in the beginning of the pregnancy
does
hurt the fetus.
⢠Adoption does
not
necessarily cut you off completely from your child.
⢠Men
can
nurture and love a child the way women can.
⢠There
is
financial help for all of the options.
⢠There
are
no perfect mothers.
⢠Good mothering skills are
learned
through hard work, trial and error, education, and observing experienced and confident mothers.
Abortion is safe and legal in the United States, although your financial situation, age (if you are under sixteen), and where you live can make finding a way to get an abortion stressful. The safest, easiest, and most affordable time to get an abortion is within the first three months of pregnancy (calculated from the day of your last period). It can be difficult to get an abortion after twelve weeks. For more information, see
Chapter 13
, “Abortion.”
Having a baby can be expensive, particularly if you do not have health insurance. But help is sometimes available. You may be eligible for Medicaid or state assistance programs that offer health insurance to pregnant women who cannot get or afford health insurance on their own. For more information, see “Care for Pregnant Women Without
Health Insurance”
.
I was using the Pill with my long-term boyfriend. After we broke up, we had breakup sex, and the condom broke. One time was all it took! He did not want to be a father. I knew I could financially care for a child, but I did not feel it was moral to have a child who knew her/his father did not want her/him. I also did not feel emotionally secure [enough] to raise a child alone. I had an abortion and felt tremendously relieved
.
If you decide to carry your pregnancy to term, it is important to find a doctor or midwife who can determine how far along you are and help you get the care you need during pregnancy. For more information, see
Chapter 15
, “Pregnancy and Preparing for Birth.”
I was in a stable, if long-distance, relationship, with a supportive guy who I knew would be behind me no matter what I chose. I spent a week thinking, wondering, agonizing, and writing. At the end, I realized that I wanted to be a parent
,
I told my significant other that he could leave now, or he could stay and be a father. I'm glad he decided to stay. I've told my daughter, who is three now, this story many times. It's one of her favorites. I want to make sure she knows that I wasn't forced into having her, that I chose to be her mother
.
IF I CONTINUE THE PREGNANCY, CAN I STAY IN SCHOOL?
Poverty is the reality for nearly all teen mothers and their children. One huge contributor to poverty is lack of education. One-quarter to one-third of female dropouts say that becoming a parent played a role in their decision to leave school.
4
Additionally, nearly 50 percent of female high school dropouts are unemployed, as opposed to 30 percent of women who earned a high school diploma.
5
According to Title IX of the Education Amendments of 1972, teenage mothers have the legal right to remain in school, as well as the right to voluntarily enroll in special programs or schools for pregnant and parenting students. Many such programs in the United States assist teen parents by offering counseling, prenatal care, and day care, in addition to providing opportunities to obtain a high school diploma outside a traditional public high school. To find such a program in your area, ask a school guidance counselor or an employee at a local family planning clinic, or inquire at the office of your local school district.
Parenting with the child's father is not always possible or desirable. As more children grow up without a father at home and more women become economically independent, it is increasingly socially acceptable for us to parent on our own. Babies are remarkably resilient and adaptable when they have a consistent, emotionally nurturing caretaker who keeps them comfortable, properly fed, and safe.
If you decide to carry your pregnancy to term but are unsure about whether you'll be able to parent your child, you have several options, including putting your child into foster care and relinquishing the baby through adoption.
Foster care is a temporary situation. Throughout history, shared child rearing in extended families and among friends has helped ensure that as many children as possible have a chance to thrive. Almost a quarter of all children in foster care in 2008 were in relatives' homes.
6
Obtain a lawyer for negotiations for either informal foster care with a friend or family member or the government's formal foster care system. A legal document, even with a family member, will reduce a lot of assumptions and guessing about financial support, regaining custody, visitation, and many other factors.
The goal of foster care should be to provide you time to resolve your problems and make decisions about your parenting ability. Close to half of the children who left foster care in 2008 were in care for less than one year.
7
It is not in a child's best interest to remain in the foster care system for an extended time. Children who spend many years in foster care often end up going from one placement to another. If you have honestly reflected on your circumstances and believe that you will not be able to parent, consider adoption so that the child has the stable home she or he needs.
I started to take a real long look at my situation and what kind of a parent I would be and what I wanted my child's life to be like. It hit me like a ton of bricks: I was not ready, nor anywhere
near
ready, to be a mommy. . . . So I did a lot of thinking, a lot of crying, and a lot of soul-searching, and I decided that the best option for me would be to place my child for adoption
.
As recently as the 1970s, unwed women who became pregnant were sometimes sent away during pregnancy and coerced to surrender their babies for adoption. The secretive nature of closed adoptions is now considered psychologically unhealthy for both the woman and the child. Today, increasing numbers of birth mothers are choosing open adoptions, which allow birth parents to have some level of ongoing contact with their children. If you choose closed adoption, consider picking an agency that will keep information about you to give to the child and adoptive family if they request it. Also be sure that the agency is willing to help you find out how things are going later on, even if you feel now that you will never want to know.
Adoption can be a difficult choice. If you choose this route, you will be well served by creating a deliberate adoption plan with an adoption counselor and by using a reputable agency. A good agency pays for your legal and counseling services and does not offer you money. It treats you, not the adoptive family, as the client. To find a reputable agency, visit the Child Welfare Information Gateway (childwelfare.gov/adoption) or call 1-888-251-0075 and ask how to contact an adoption specialist in your state. Most states require adoptive families to undergo an evaluation. If your state does not require one, consider what your own requirements for the family would be.
Usually, you, as the birth mother, get to choose the adoptive family from a pool of applicants. If you are not offered this opportunity, you may want to choose another agency. Many agencies require adoptive families to provide yearly updates to the birth mother. It may be possible to write letters to the child and have them placed in a file for her or his future.
There have been many changes in multiracial adoption over the last twenty years. A good agency prioritizes matching the child's background with that of the adoptive parents. If that is not possible, look for a family with connections to a community that shares your values. If you or the birth father is of Native American descent, the Indian Child Welfare Act of 1978 may affect the adoption. (For more information, visit the National Indian Child Welfare Association's website, nicwa.org.)
You can also find an adoptive family through a newspaper ad, an independent adoption facilitator, a medical practitioner, or a lawyer. In such circumstances, you create the adoption plan directly with the adoptive parents and/or their lawyer. Keep in mind that the lawyer will have the clients' best interest at heart, not yours. Whether you choose an agency or a private adoption, it is advisable to have your own lawyer and counselor. An adoption counselor can work with the birth father and both of your families as well.