Our Bodies, Ourselves (22 page)

Some queer spaces are more accepting of fat women:

I'm a queer fat femme of Italian-American and middle-class background. How I experience my sense of self in regard to gender and sexual orientation shifts depending on the context. In straight spaces, I'm likely seen as a straight, fat girl. Since I'm fat, my sexuality is not celebrated or recognized in mainstream society, because fat people are not supposed to be sexual…. In queer contexts, however (when other queers perceive my femmeness as queer), I feel quite different. My fat femmeness is celebrated as hot and sexy. I feel motivated to wear clothes that show off my curves, large ass, hips, and breasts.

Is your school or workplace welcoming to LGBTQ people, or are sexual orientation and gender identity either completely ignored or joked about in cruel and demeaning ways? If you've come out, is your family supportive, or have family members made you feel unwanted unless you “change”?

Some cultures teach us to fear and hate homosexuality and gender variance in others and in ourselves. This hatred hurts all of us, no matter our sexual orientation or gender identity. It turns us against friends and family members, depriving us of important relationships. It causes us to deny attractions or identities that are right for us. And it prevents many from publicly acknowledging friendships with queer or transgender people.

Heterosexism is the assumption—in individuals and in public policy—that heterosexuality is the only normal orientation. A woman whose partner transitioned from female to male reports her mother's response to her new “heterosexual” status:

We are literally the same two people, but after my partner's transition, my mom started sending him birthday cards and inviting him to family events. I thought she'd have a hard time with it, but she was like, “Woo-hoo! Now my daughter has a partner I can actually talk about with my friends!”

Homophobia is fear and hatred of people who are attracted to the same sex:

© Ellen Shub

The internalized homophobia—the nagging fears of incompetence, being too different, being unlovable—are still hanging around in my head. But getting up each day …each time I do something positive, the homophobia inside me has less power. And each time we do something positive for each other, the homophobia in society has less power.

Transphobia, likewise, is fear and hatred of gender-variant people.

Heterosexism, homophobia, and transphobia lead to laws and practices that deny LGBTQ people legal, religious, and social privileges that heterosexual and cisgender people take for granted. In most places, we are prevented from getting married, filing joint tax returns, and being covered under a partner's health insurance (except in companies and cities that allow benefits coverage for domestic partners). We face job and housing discrimination, and the media often ignore or misrepresent us. Essential safer-sex educational materials, when presented in schools, often omit same-sex relationships.

Violence, homelessness, police brutality, chronic underemployment, and poverty disproportionately affect transgender people. Many of us who don't easily fit within the two-gender norm find it difficult to attend school, hold jobs, or even go to public restrooms without fear of rejection, harassment, violence, or even arrest.

As a female-bodied genderqueer, I choose to use the women's restroom, but often find myself dealing with unpleasant comments or looks and, on a few occasions, verbal or physical threats/assaults.
As a result, I have avoided using public restrooms, as much as possible, for seventeen years and have now developed urinary tract problems.

It is difficult for trans people to access many services such as rape crisis centers, emergency medical care, homeless shelters, group homes, and domestic violence shelters because these spaces are segregated by sex. Discrimination and harassment in the health-care system mean that we often miss needed medical care. Trans people of color and low-income trans people also are affected by racism and class discrimination that exacerbate the difficulties faced by trans people in general. Transgender and transsexual people also sometimes face discrimination within the queer community:

No one talks about the mental difficulties faced before—and especially after—the transition. Like, for instance, being a (trans) dyke. Like being referred to as “he” in lesbian groups. Like being banned from places, like the Michigan Womyn's Music Festival.

In many places in the United States and around the world, activists are challenging homophobia and transphobia, and achieving positive change. The Think Before You Speak campaign (thinkb4youspeak.com) raises awareness of the prevalence and consequences of anti-LGBT bias and behavior in America's schools. One goal is to get kids to think twice before saying, “That's so gay.” The Policy Institute of the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force (thetask force.org) works to advance equality for LGBT people and trains young leaders for the future. The National Black Justice Coalition (nbjc.org) works to eradicate racism and homophobia and advocates for the unique challenges and needs of LGBT African Americans. In schools and colleges, in workplaces, in religious organizations, and in the military, LGBTQ people and our allies are mobilizing for justice while committing the radical act of simply loving each other.

Relationships and Sexuality

CHAPTER 5
Relationships

In preparation for this fortieth-anniversary edition of
Our Bodies, Ourselves
, more than three dozen women, representing a wide range of ages, identities, and experiences, spent several weeks discussing sexual relationships. They asked and answered questions and responded to one another's stories and reflections with encouragement, wisdom, and humor. Their words go back to the book's roots: women discussing their bodies and their lives and learning from the experiences of other women.

Earlier editions of
OBOS
divided the discussion of relationships into two separate chapters—women who love men, and women who love women. In this edition, women of all sexual orientations discuss their lives, from what they enjoy most
about being sexual to their experiences in relationships that span racial and other differences. They also reflect on media images and representations in popular culture that have influenced their views of dating and marriage.