Our Bodies, Ourselves (118 page)

Aging itself is often seen as a condition that we have to do something about—giving rise to the phrase “medicalization of aging.” The natural changes in our bodies associated with growing older become defined as diseases or conditions that always (rather than sometimes) need medical supervision or intervention, including drugs or surgery. Self-acceptance as we age can be hard-won but invaluable.

A popular newspaper column by Shirley Haynes has made many rounds via email. In response to a young person asking how she feels about being old, Haynes wrote, “I was taken aback, for I do not think of myself as old.” Then she thought about it some more:

I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, and my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become kinder to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend. . .
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I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the bikini set. They, too, will get old (if they're lucky). . .
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So, to answer the question, I like being older. It has set me free. I like the person I have become
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As we grow older, we create new patterns and adjust to changes, sometimes with a heightened awareness of the passage of time and the preciousness of present moments. Some of us in long-standing marriages or partnerships may experience renewed pleasure at having shared so many life experiences and be enthusiastic about growing even closer.

It may be time to redefine roles and to set new goals as our relationships change. What new interests do we develop as individuals or as a couple? What kind of lifestyle do we want to have in our retirement years? Where do we want to live? What are our long-term support and service needs in case of illness?

Reaching this stage of our lives may also be cause for assessing our relationships. Some women leave relationships that they previously tolerated. Older women who initiate divorce after having a put a lot of thought into it can feel exhilarated by a new beginning. If a partner initiated the dissolution of a long-term marriage or partnership, it may be difficult, at least at first, to take these next steps alone or to consider dating again.

Family relationships—and our place in the generational hierarchy—also shift and change. Our families may be genetically and biologically related, blended, or extended. Many of us are getting used to becoming grandmothers, greataunts, or godmothers to the children in our lives; 80 percent of those age sixty-five and older have grandchildren, as do 51 percent of those age fifty to sixty-four.
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We may have developed ties to families into which our grown children have married or to the grown children of new partners, as well as to the second families of former spouses.

These experiences can be trying as well as fulfilling. One sixty-five-year-old woman says:

My life feels full, and with an open heart I develop evolving relationships with my sons and daughters-in-law and their families, but I do find it hard that my husband and I are the oldest generation with no buffers
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A lesbian woman in her seventies describes this decade as the most fulfilling she's experienced:

I live close to my family, including five grandchildren, and I am in a live-in relationship, so I am very fortunate to have a strong social support system. Retirement has opened up many choices, and I am very active
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Once our children leave home, we may think we have more space and freedom, only to find they are returning home, at least temporarily. More of us are caring for younger generations, too. According to a 2010 Pew Research Center survey,
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one child in ten in the United States lives with a grandparent; about four in ten of those children are being raised primarily by that grandparent.

For some of us, our friends are our family, and we will care for them (and they for us) as we age. These important bonds are often overlooked or minimized by others who see our lives as lacking if we aren't close to our families or don't have relatives living nearby.

© Sam Ditzion

No matter how we define our relationships, social connections can have a positive effect on our health. As many of us know, isolation can be very hard to endure. Bonding and renewing bonds with spouses, lovers, family members, friends, and neighbors can improve our well-being and even longevity. Even pets can have a positive effect on our outlook.

A ninety-eight-year-old woman says that in addition to taking care of her health through sleep and diet, she continues to spend time with friends: “I socialize with other people, not just in my building. And I laugh—a lot!”

A seventy-three-year-old describes the importance of keeping connected with her spiritual community:

Last week I sat in a group of older women discussing religion and spirituality and was reminded of our midweek prayer meetings sixty years ago. . . . I nourish my spirit through music, nature, and meditation, but mostly through relatedness to people I love
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© Ellen Shub

These are the years when we are likely to experience and mourn the deaths of friends and loved ones in increasing numbers. Many women live longer than their male spouses or partners, often by a decade or two. Nearly 42 percent of women age sixty-five and older are widowed,
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compared with 14 percent of men. Looking closer at the age demographics, 25 percent of women and 7 percent of men between sixty-five and seventy-four are widowed; 52.5 percent of women and not quite 19 percent of men age seventy-five to eighty-four; and 76 percent of women and not quite 38 percent of men age eighty-five and older.

In addition to the official widows, millions of us have lost unofficial partners—female and male. Grieving may be complicated when unconventional situations make it hard to be open about loss and to receive essential social support from friends and community. One woman reflects on her partner's suicide:

Years ago, when Trudy discovered that she had cancer . . . she drove to the hills above our home early one Sunday morning and put a bullet through her heart. It pierced my heart, too, for it ended our eighteen years of life together. Trudy's death caused me to close the door in denial of my lesbian feelings. It took eleven years for me to begin to creep cautiously from the closet
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Support that does come through makes it easier for us to grieve and helps us to find solace in our day-to-day lives. A core group of friends can make all the difference:

We have a women-over-70 group. We let down our hair and talk about our problems and help each other by providing a sustaining set of relationships
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At this point in our lives, some of us would rather not have one special partner. Maybe we've been single all along. Maybe we have been divorced or widowed and have grown accustomed to being on our own. We may have achieved a satisfying and deeply erotic relationship with ourselves spiritually or through self-pleasuring, or we may enjoy celibacy and create intimacy through friendships or social outreach.

Forty percent of women age sixty-five and older live alone, compared with 19 percent of men in this age bracket.
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Some women would prefer to have a partner but don't. If you are over sixty, it may be hard to find a suitable partner of either sex. Straight women are subject to a double whammy, because with each decade of age there are fewer men in our age range, and those men may prefer to date younger women.

One woman in her early seventies says:

An older woman tends to know what works and doesn't, is independent and more self-sufficient. Older men don't like being by themselves
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Being older does not have to mean remaining unattached for the rest of our lives, nor does it have to mean forgoing sex. Some of us have met compatible partners with whom companionship and pleasure are possible. In addition to reaching out to family and friends for help making connections, matchmaking services and online dating sites for older adults have multiplied in recent years. Social networking sites can be a way to develop relationships based on shared interests.

Sometimes connections happen when we aren't even looking. Women meet old flames or potential partners in volunteer activities or in new jobs. A widow of twenty years met someone in her building when she was almost ninety:

Some of it is dumb luck, of course. He thought he was a one-woman man. I thought I was too old! We first got to like each other over time. Then it took us by surprise and developed into love. At first we hesitated to admit we had feelings for each other. Now, even though our backgrounds are very different, we seem to be on the same wavelength without trying very hard
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Some of us know women who learn to walk and dance again in their eighties after hip replacement operations or masters athletes who excel in their fields, despite not taking up a sport until they were past midlife. People begin healthier lifestyles at every age, but many of us also encounter health challenges with increasing frequency and severity as we age. These issues affect many aspects of living. A sixty-nine-year-old woman living in New York City says:

As I age, I am more aware of the potential of a life-altering health event or a life-threatening illness. One friend has a terminal illness, and another recently fell, developed back problems, and is temporarily somewhat physically limited. I try to keep this in perspective, but it's certainly more on my consciousness than it was when I was younger
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A woman who is sixty-three adds:

I have been with age-mate friends and family as they have been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes,
hypertension, skin cancer, breast cancer, uterine cancer, arthritis, and other chronic diseases, as well as loss of strength and stamina. I have seen how it takes longer for all of us to heal after a minor illness or injury
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