Original Sins (63 page)

“Jealous?”

“Yeah, I wish I were a lesbian.”

Emily laughed. “How come?”

“Because I love women, and so many of the neatest ones are gay.”

“Can you blame them?”

“Anyhow, the women's movement is where it's all happening right now politically.”

“I suppose it's not too pleasant to go from being the champion of the oppressed to being the oppressor?”

“No, it's not. It's like when whites got kicked out of the civil rights movement by the arrival of Black Power. Only then, we had Vietnam to move on to. I miss that sense of community we used to have. Do you remember? The feeling we were all working together on something really important.” Justin told the men's group, one of whom told Maria, that he was waiting for her and Emily's relationship to “burn itself out.” Emily was going through a phase. He had learned at the meditation center the only way to hold on to something was with an open hand.

Emily began phoning Maria every morning around nine, after Matt and Justin had gone and before going out job hunting. She told Maria she liked knowing where Maria would be each day and what she'd be doing, so Emily could visualize her in situ. Maria seemed touched.

Since they were all old friends and sophisticated about sexual liaisons, Emily invited Maria to the apartment to dinner one night. As she brought out an eggplant casserole, Justin said, “You've got a good cook on your hands, Maria.”

Maria glanced at him, her fork halfway to her mouth. “Yeah, this is great”

“Makes up for the way she cleans.” He laughed.

Maria glanced at Emily. Apparently it was a joke. Emily smiled. Then frowned.

“She's good at what she likes. But she doesn't have much staying power.”

“Uh, well …,” said Maria, “I don't think I see what you're saying.”

“All I mean is that there's a certain brilliance about her. But there isn't much beneath that surface sparkle. Wouldn't you say?”

“Well …”

Emily was crawling with anxiety. She glanced from one to the other.

“I mean, I've known Emily for so many years now, and have seen her grow and change in so many ways. And sometimes I wonder if she has a core …”

Maria asked pleasantly, “Would you like this glass of wine in your face, Justin?”

He laughed amiably.

“Who wants coffee or tea?” Emily asked, Amy Vanderbilt racing out to avert catastrophe.

Maria made excuses and left.

Justin said, with a paternalistic twinkle, “Well, I'm glad you've got somebody who'll watch out for your interests, Emily.” He patted her on the shoulder.

During their next phone call neither Maria nor she referred to the dinner. As they were about to hang up, Emily said, “When shall we get together?”

“Oh, I don't know. Give me a call soon. Or I will you.”

“I've been wondering. How about if we set a couple of times each week to get together—say Tuesday afternoons and Friday nights or something.”

“Huh?”

“Well, then we'd be able to plan our other stuff around those times.”

“Well, I don't know … Sure, why not?”

Justin's work was going well, and he had rented loft space in Soho. He said, “You know, I've been thinking, Emily. Maybe we should move to the Village.”

Emily stared at him. Who was this “we”? She thought that had been settled. Maria was ten blocks away here. “I don't really want to leave this area, Justin.”

“Yeah, but it would save me over an hour a day commuting.”

Emily said nothing.

“Plus subway fare. And I could come home for lunch.”

“Justin
… ,” she began irritably.

“I mean, I don't like to pull rank, but I am the one who's paying the rent now. And maybe we need to alter our living arrangement to make things easier for me.”

“Maybe we should think about living separately, then,” she snapped.

“Well, I suppose that's a possibility. But wouldn't you miss Matt?”

“What?”

“Well, I'm sure as hell not leaving my son alone with a bunch of man-haters.”

“I don't hate men,” Emily protested with hatred.

“Well, let's both think this over.”

In bed with Maria, Emily said, “Justin's thinking about moving to the Village.”

“What? By himself?”

“Actually he's thinking about ‘our' moving to the Village.”

Maria said nothing.

“Maybe we should live together, Maria.”

“You can't afford to stay where you are on your unemployment?”

“Of course I can. Don't be so unromantic, silly. I was thinking how nice it would be to wake up next to you every morning. And to sit around in the evening and watch the news. Matt and Cleo could be like brother and sister.”

She frowned. “Yeah, but I don't want to live with anybody, Emily. I've done that trip. I need my privacy …”

Emily shrugged.

As Emily walked back into the apartment, the men's group was meeting. As she washed the supper dishes, she heard them arguing about who had behaved worst to women and who was now the most full of remorse. After they left, Emily walked into the living room and began emptying ashtrays.

Justin looked up from his newspaper and nodded.

“Hi, Justin.” She tried not to get too close because she hadn't washed and reeked of sex.

“Did you know Matt has a cold?” he asked.

“Yeah, I noticed. Poor kid.”

“Yeah, I guess he's under a lot of strain.”

She looked at him for a while before saying “Why?”

“Well, a kid must sense when his home life is weird.”

“Is it?”

“Well, it sure isn't what most kids have.”

“Oh, I don't know.” She described the domestic arrangements of the women in her group, most of which were “different,” to put it mildly. Then she realized she was sounding defensive.

“Why so respectable all of a sudden, Justin?”

“Well, I just want my son to have what any child needs from parents.” He went into the bedroom.

Emily, chewing her nails, tried to visualize the hideous things that would happen to Matt because his mother had a woman lover. He would be ostracized on the playground. He would sprout breasts. He would need wall posters of Gertrude Stein to get off in adulthood. Jesus, what was she doing to her baby?

She raced into his room and stood over him as he slept. He
looked
OK, apart from a stuffy nose …

In bed Justin and she rolled over and hugged each other. It had seemed so natural for so many years. Now his body felt taut and bony. An erection prodded her stomach. Why not? It would be simple and friendly just to let him slip it in, as he'd done for eight years.

The thought repulsed her. “No.”

“Christ, who
wants
you anyway?” He turned away. She was swept with anxiety. The Great Ear needed Justin to want her in order to be sure he would stick around. In order to be sure she wouldn't be left all alone far from home surrounded by strangers. Her pride wouldn't allow her to pursue him to his edge of the bed. She took her need to Maria the next morning, knocking on her door unannounced. Maria invited her in for coffee, looking simultaneously pleased and irritated. She handed Emily a mug and sat down. Under the guise of getting milk from the refrigerator, Emily stood behind her and massaged her breasts.

“Actually,” said Maria, “I've got a deadline on an article. So I'm afraid I'll have to kick you out in a minute.”

It entered Emily's head that Maria was lying: Kate was arriving for a morning in bed … “I see.”

“Come on, lady,” she said, pulling Emily's mouth down to hers. “Don't use that tone of voice. You know I have to earn a living. We aren't all lucky enough to be on unemployment.” She grinned, and Emily felt better.

“When will you be finished?”

“By two, I hope. Or I've had it.”

“Can we get together then?”

“I'm afraid I'm tied up.”

“Who with?”

Maria looked at her. “I have to hand-deliver the article and talk it over with the editor.”

“Can I see you tonight then?”

“Is something wrong?”

“No, I just miss you, Maria.”

“Tonight's the women's meeting.”

“How about afterward?”

“I'm afraid I'm tied up.”

“Who with?”

“I'm not sure it's any of your business, but I'll tell you anyway: Kate.”

“Is she spending the night?”

Maria sighed. “You're doing a number. You know that? Listen, let's have lunch tomorrow. OK? And cool it, sweetheart. You know I'm crazy about you.”

Emily spent the morning with her datebook and calculated that she'd phoned Maria almost twice as much as Maria had phoned her. She also reviewed the last several times they'd made love and realized that, almost without exception, she'd brought Maria to orgasm first. Presumably Maria then made love to her because she felt obligated.

Who was Maria
really
seeing this afternoon? Emily disguised herself in a scarf and sunglasses and an old trench coat of Justin's and walked up to Maria's apartment building. She rang Maria's bell, but the buzzer didn't buzz for her to come up. Maria had already left for her assignation. Emily waited in the doorway across the street to see who Maria would bring home. She arrived at 3:05 with her daughter, Cleo.

When Maria left that evening's meeting with Kate, tears filled Emily's eyes. She got home to find Justin asleep. She sat on the sofa and imagined what Maria and Kate were doing at that moment.

Emily raced to the phone and dialed Maria's number. It rang half a dozen times. She pictured them pausing in their lovemaking long enough to decide not to answer. It rang six more times. By now Maria would be worried. It had to be important if someone was letting it ring so long.

Another five times. Their concentration would be broken. Maria would be sighing and searching for the phone with her hand.

On ring number nineteen she answered in a sleepy voice.

Emily hung up, triumphant that she'd stopped them!

At lunch the next day she said, “Maria, there's something I have to tell you.”

“What
, for Christ's sake?” Maria asked with a laugh.

“I think I'm falling in love with you.”

“Oh God, don't do that.”

“I thought you'd be pleased.”

“If you mean what I think you mean by ‘in love,' then I don't want any part of it. This manic-depressive trip where you give me the power to make you jubilant or miserable? Honestly, Emily, it's an illness to be recovered from, not a state to be cultivated. Don't succumb to it, sweetheart, please. We've got such a good thing. Don't wreck it.”

“Well, what is it we've got, if it's not love?”

“If it's nice, which it is, why do you care?”

“Well, I think I have a right to know.”

“Love, in love, friendship, marriage, divorce, separation, lust … We're presented with these categories. None fit our experience, but we all try to shoehorn ourselves into them. Don't label it. Just let it happen.”

“But how do we know what we're doing then?”

“We don't. But I'm willing to try almost anything, because I know for a fact that the old categories don't work for me.”

Justin took up with a new woman named Shelby. According to the men's group, she gazed at him entranced as he spoke and solicited his advice and opinions. She wore Oxford cloth button-down collar blouses, and sweaters tied by the arms around her neck. She was secretary to the chairman of the board of the paper company for whom Justin had done the public service campaign. She described everything as “terrific,” through clenched teeth, moving only her lips. She had a son Mart's age named Joshua, which she also pronounced by moving only her lips. They began taking Joshua and Matt to the zoo in Central Park, to F A O Schwarz's, to Rumpelmayer's for ice cream sundaes, on boat trips around Manhattan, all the places Justin had never dreamed of taking Matt in his first five years of life. Reportedly, Shelby thought Justin was a “terrific dad.” Matt talked about Shelby all the time: She baked cookies and made hot chocolate, played Monopoly.

Emily's parents arrived from Newland. They stayed at the Plaza, but Emily cleaned the apartment, served them carefully prepared meals, and took them to the Cloisters and on the boat trip around Manhattan. Justin behaved admirably, coming home at night rather than staying with Shelby, and discussing business with Mr. Prince, who looked relieved to be no longer under attack from his revolutionary son-in-law. Even Matt cooperated, watching his table manners, cleaning up his language, and not mentioning Maria or Shelby. Mr. Prince led them around the city on fruitless missions in search of bars and restaurants he remembered from his journeys in from Princeton.

After several days they decided to take a break from each other so that Emily could set up some job interviews. Justin and Matt went to Shelby's for the night. Late that afternoon Maria stopped by, and she and Emily ended up in bed. After making love, they fell asleep. Emily was awakened by her door buzzer. Groggily she got up and threw on a bathrobe and called through the door, “Who is it?”

“Your parents, dear.”

It was too late to pretend she wasn't there. Like a doe blinded by approaching headlights, she opened the door.

“Are we disturbing you?”

“Uh, no. I was going to take a bath.”

“We were over at Grant's Tomb and thought we'd stop by for some tea.”

“Uh, great. Come in.”

They sat in the living room. Emily was in a state of near collapse. At any moment the bedroom door would open and Maria would stumble out to the bathroom, naked.

“You're sure we're not interrupting you?”

“Oh no.” She was sending brain waves to Maria to keep sleeping.