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The producers looked at each other, looked at Eleanor, We could do that. You could? We could do that, yes. You could do a naked skydiver? We could, yes, we could.

Gabrielle comes around the corner of the house, whacking the grass with a cracked broom handle. There was a scream for attention in each whack. She has lost one of the gold earrings her grandmother gave her. She wants to be absolved. She leans on Eleanor, rocking gently.

How’s my girl, says Sadie.

What, Eleanor asks Gabrielle. What do you want? What? Gabrielle won’t mention the missing earring. We have heard
enough about the earring, thinks Eleanor. She was too young for gold. Eleanor is tired of Gabrielle. Tired of the wedding. Tired of losing things. She wants it to be tomorrow already. Her neck, the back of her neck, she realizes, is tired.

Hi, Sadie, Gabrielle says. Then she grabs Sadie around the waist in a fit of passion, burying her face.

I love you so much, Gabrielle says.

Are you having a good time at the wedding, honey, Sadie says.

Gabrielle rocks harder, stamps her foot.

Eleanor says, What?

Nothing.

Tell me.

Nothing. My earring, she whimpers.

You’re impossible, Eleanor says. Philip comes out and sits beside them.

What’s the matter with her?

The earring your mother gave her. Philip rubs his hand over the stubble on his chin.

The French, he says, are sometimes full of crap. Do you get that feeling?

Is it crap, Sadie says.

Philip says, But still, I’m like you, Sadie, I prefer the French. Where’s Maurice, Eleanor says.

He’s showing Constance the dish he made for the wedding. Seaweed something or other.

We’ll have to eat seaweed, Eleanor says, how gloomy.

Nobody has to eat anything they don’t want to, Sadie says.
He’s very clear about that. It’s part of his
thing
, his whole thing. He thinks it’s totally fucked up to eat out of politeness. And you don’t ever lie, or make promises; that’s also part of his thing.

We all have a
thing
, Eleanor says. If someone makes a dish you eat it, that’s my thing.

Philip says, I’m not eating seaweed.

Or marry for convenience, says Sadie, you never do that, according to Maurice, even if you need citizenship to get a job so you can stay in the country and be with your lover whom you supposedly love.

I’m eating it, says Eleanor.

Or marry for any reason. Or have children, because that’s a promise in itself. Never making a promise is part of Maurice’s thing too. Although he loves children, says Sadie.

I also love children, says Eleanor, children are also part of my
thing
. Staying married is part of my thing. And just generally being nice to people. I believe in
being nice
.

Philip grabs Constance’s dog, who is trotting by and stares into his eyes.

This dog wants to tell me something, Philip says.

Maurice loves other people’s children though, says Sadie. He loves this little girl for instance. She gives Gabrielle an extra squeeze.

Philip says, I think the dog is starting to look like Nicolas Cage.

Eleanor says, Try new things, right? Isn’t that right Philip? My god, there’s a whole ocean of seaweed out there.

They shot the skydiving scene during a blizzard on the Bally-Halley golf course. The man they’d gotten to play the part was strikingly beautiful. Eleanor had said, You have a beautiful face. He was surprised to hear it. He’d been a weightlifter, said his thigh had once been twenty-eight inches around, he couldn’t buy a pair of pants. His body was a separate thing, a thing by itself, he said while folding a Caesar salad into his mouth. He wasn’t successful as an actor, had turned to repairing fridges, which is what his father did. A part comes up every now and then, he says. A part like this. She can tell he doesn’t think much of nude skydiving. Of course, there’s a stuntman to do the actual dive. But the actor must run across the field without his clothes.

Costume had sewn tiny heating pads into the straps of the parachute, but he was nude in the snowstorm. All the crew in knee-length eiderdown, the actor completely nude, running through the snow, gathering the parachute behind him. Eleanor hadn’t written a storm but there it was. The shoot had been postponed and there was the storm. Two women waited outside the scope of the camera with thick blankets. The hulking actor trembling with frostbite. Everybody averting their eyes from his purple dick. The director called cut, and the girls ran up to the naked actor and flung the blankets over him and there was a consultation.

What the hell? I thought that was good, he called out over the field, hopping from foot to foot. Someone wiped his nose.

Snot? Snot on my goddamn face? I do the best goddamn performance of my
life
and there’s
snot
on my face. Come on, let’s do this thing, let’s do this thing, he yelled.

The first time Philip cheated on her, if you can call it that, when it’s out in the open, when there’s an understanding: Eleanor and Philip had gone to a movie together, and afterwards they sat in the car, which was parked facing their house. It was raining, and the yellow clapboard of the three-storey house wiggled and snaked.

Philip said, There’s something I forgot to tell you. When I was in Montreal for that conference, two years ago. I told you about the jazz, and the weather.

You told me about that, she says.

On the last night we were all going to a party in a hotel room. This woman and me, this very beautiful woman, we got into the elevator together. It was late at night. And we got out on the wrong floor. We were talking, about the conference, papers we’d heard. We got out in front of a floor-to-ceiling window, a whole wall of glass. And there was the city in front of us, spread as far as you could see, the lights. It was so beautiful. It shocked me. And I said, How beautiful. And this woman, she touched my hand, and she said, Yes, let’s get a room.

He turned the car on and let the wipers clear the glass for two swipes, and their house was solid again, the clapboard straight, and the car filled with music, the radio was on loud, jazz, several horns, Miles Davis, maybe, and he turned it off. The house went soft, melting. She looked at him under the streetlight. A splatter of rainy shadows migrating over his nose, across his cheeks. His hand still on the key, looking straight ahead.

How does this confession change things? The yellow house is still yellow, the harbour beyond, the Atlantic Ocean, the rain
hitting the street so hard it rises in a silver fur under the streetlights. It makes Philip a stranger, she thinks. Like in the beginning, when she sat on the frayed arm of the chair at Kibitzer’s and just wanted to go home with him but was afraid. Maria Schneider making herself come without touching — they don’t exchange names, she and Brando, they just fuck while his wife lies in a coffin.

And you forgot to tell me this.

I decided not to tell you. I decided not to tell you, and then I forgot to tell you.

But that night, when I spoke to you on the phone from Montreal, she says. She tried to think of the night. He had called every night, waking her. She loved being dredged out of sleep, trawled into the bedroom. Out drinking, he’d said. A bunch of Newfoundlanders at the conference and his paper had gone well, he’d called to tell her something about flowers and stars. They had been drinking outside, it was an outdoor pay phone he called her from. Flowers had fallen into his beer, or birdshit. It was birdshit. Nothing about stars. There had been laughter in the background and she’d fallen back to sleep, blissful.

With great effort she speaks to Glenn Marshall: Last summer Gabrielle wanted a ladybug, but they’re like grace, you can’t will them, either.

Glenn rises from his chair and his snifter of brandy smashes. She sees it fall, hot amber coming up to the mouth of the glass like a jellyfish.

You prepare for grace, he says. Thomas Aquinas said, Get ready. That’s his advice, prepare.

Yes, she thinks, you wait. She glances at the window, but she can’t see Philip, he has moved into the kitchen. She thinks of her mother and the white mink, how much was lost when her father died.

Eleanor says, It’s about a girl who comes through grief via a sexual awakening.

The story editor says, What does that mean?

She says, When my father died, because essentially this script is about my father. Pleasure is a kind of betrayal, to feel pleasure, any kind of pleasure, after a death. Because pleasure is life affirming, and to go on living, enjoying life, when someone you love has died is to accept their death. And acceptance is a kind of betrayal, is my thinking here.

The screenplay is a messy jumble. Everything out of order. Full of dream sequences (self-indulgent, according to the story editor), the death, snowstorms, pregnancy, a prison where Sandra teaches art to a young woman who had attacked someone with a hammer (of course it’s all true, the screenplay tells exactly what happened, her mother struggling to get the lawnmower into the trunk of her car so she could mow her husband’s grave and finally throwing it at the car with a superhuman burst of strength brought on by grief).

The story editor takes up a coloured marker and approaches a flip chart. He draws a timeline.

He says, A half-hour screenplay is twenty-four pages. I want
the grief fully realized by page four. I want to see the character attempt to overcome grief three times by page twenty. Three failed attempts, but each time she gets closer. I want the sexual awakening on page twenty. By page twenty-four she has come through.

And who is the father, the story editor asks.

Who is he?

I mean who is he, really, the story editor says.

She remembers her father bringing a Portuguese sailor home for supper when she was seven so they could hear a foreign language. She feels a burst of tears coming, her nose. But she won’t cry in front of the story editor. In the elevator she noticed his black turtleneck, his raglan, his polished shoes. He has uncapped the marker. Death has made her father finite. She could list all the things he was. Everyone else, this man with the marker, Philip wanting to leave her, Sadie working on her film, everyone else is changing.

Like what was his favourite food, says the story editor, who did he read. What did he take in his coffee. You have to know these things about your character.

Who was it Eleanor’s father used to read before bed?

Harold Robbins. Eleanor can see Harold Robbins in raised gold script. Her father would fall asleep each night with the book open on his chest, having read only a page or two.

After her father died, Eleanor’s mother had a nervous breakdown, and then began to see Doug Ryan. Eleanor first read Harold Robbins while her father was still alive, just two pages. Two forbidden pages when she was thirteen.

They had been jumping off the Ryans’ wharf, knees tucked up. The smack. Plunging down through a tunnel of bubbles and the murkiness near the bottom of the lake, the mossy struts of the dock, underground springs spurting up, making warm pockets, remembering the eels balled together in the darkness.

Eleanor had known about sex, the facts, for a long time, of course. She had been kissed. (She’d just let her horse, a fineboned pacer, out of the barn and the mare had bucked and reared, front hoofs pawing the clouds, neck tossing, back legs step-stepping in the deep snow, and Eleanor caught the yellow nylon rope snaking past her jeans, the mare yanking her arms, her hands burned by the rope, digging in her heels, her mother had company, and they’d brought their son, three years older than Eleanor, sixteen, he was drinking a cup of tea he’d taken from the house, standing in snow up to his knees, she had loved the horse, had spent winter evenings in the mare’s stall with just a flashlight, the smell of linseed oil she used to clean the tack, the brushes, she knew the animal’s body, the shiny black knees, the way to pick up the hoofs and remove stones with a pick, a flame of pink inside the right nostril, the wet snuffle of giant lips against her palm when she held out half an apple, the smell of manure, the molasses in the grain, the water bucket with a skin of ice, the blue salt lick, smell of horse in her hair, under her nails, outside trees creaking together, the starry, dark blue sky. Walking back to her house through the trees, all the while her family going bankrupt, the television murmuring, her father hitting the adding machine, hitting the adding machine, the washer going, piles of money in front of him, a dish with a
sponge for counting, the adding machine, until morning, when she woke and found him leaning on the counter looking through the kitchen window at the sun coming up. He had cut up a grapefruit for her breakfast with a maraschino cherry in the middle. He was drinking his instant coffee.

Catching the horse’s nylon halter, kelly green, bright against the blue sky, white clouds, after coaxing the mare into stillness, the white of her eye, Danny Martin came up to her and kissed her lips, he took his time, she could feel the mare’s breath on her wrist, he was holding the cup and he tasted of milky tea out there in the snowbank on a spring day, the snow creeping back off the pavement, the asphalt shiny, the horse.

For weeks after, months, she imagined the kiss while falling asleep, and when her father sat her down on the plaid sofa and took her two hands in his, cradled them between his, explaining they would have to sell the horse, his heart nearly broken, she could hardly remember why she had ever wanted one.)

Harold Robbins described being overcome. Sexually overcome. Losing control. To think that such a thing could happen to adults. Those who made the world stable. Even after the bankruptcy, when there were less treats in the cupboard and no new clothes for a long time, everything had a certainty.

She understood why she hadn’t been allowed to read the Harold Robbins. Her parents hadn’t wanted her to know, and knowing, she could feel herself crossing over, becoming adult.

Terrified of the eels, which were definitely thickly knotted under the wharf, kicking hard to the dazzling surface of the lake; but as soon as she gets there, thirteen-year-old Eleanor
instantly forgets the eels, climbs up the slimy ladder to jump again, ribs heaving to catch her breath.