Only With You (2 page)

I wasn’t completely good either, nor did I pretend to be. I was true to myself. I never made promises that I’d abstain from sex before marriage or only date good guys. I had a few tattoos, I dressed edgy, and my songs weren’t as sweet as those of some of my counterparts. I liked to think of myself as a nice hybrid between Taylor Swift and Avril Lavigne. I had tween fans, but as I’d gotten older I’d started to pull in older audiences, which was good since staying power was important in the music business. It was all about evolution and growth, and I’d successfully done both of those things with my third album.

“You lost
your virginity to one of the most notorious womanizers in the music business, Syd. That probably wasn’t the best way to maintain that image of yours.”

I held up a finger to make a point. “
I wasn’t trying to maintain any image. The media assumed I was a certain way, but I never said I was virginal. I’m not Jessica Simpson. And how do you even know who I lost my virginity to, huh?”

That probably should have been the first thing I said, but instead
by not squashing what he’d accused me of, I just gave away something that no one else knew.

Ryder laughed. “I didn’t.
You just confirmed my suspicions though, thank you very much.”

“Ugh,” I said, rolling my eyes at him as he continued to laugh. “You are such a jerk.”

He continued to laugh. “Dude, I can’t believe you actually slept with Sam Douglas! He’s such a dirtbag. It was bad enough to see you in pictures with him, but you actually had sex with the guy! I hope you got tested.”

“Ryder!” I exclaimed
, appalled that he would say that.

He shrugged and grinned. “I’m just saying. He’s been around.”

Yeah, Sam Douglas had been around. I’d known that, but I hadn’t cared. When the lead singer of the rock band Shadowcast had approached me at an awards show a few months after I’d put out my first album, I’d been completely taken with him. I’d also been dumb enough to go back to his hotel room with him that night. He broke things off with me after a few weeks, which I should have seen coming, and I had gotten tested twice in the next few months just to be sure he hadn’t left me with any other parting gifts outside of a broken heart and a scarred ego. Thankfully he hadn’t.

“I’ll have you know we used protection
all the times we slept together, thank you very much.”

“And thanks for that visual,” Ryder
said, shaking his head. “What did you see in him anyway?”

“
He sucked me in with those lips and that hair and his voice,” I grumbled. “Ugh. I kind of hated myself after that. I really appreciate you bringing up such a shining moment in my personal history.”

“That’s what all the girls say
about him,” he said, shaking his head. “You really do have the worst taste in men, Syd.”

I pouted involuntarily as my eyes started to fill with tears. I couldn’t help it.
I was drunk, and I knew I sucked at picking out men. It depressed me to think about it, but I always fell for the bad boys, the exciting ones who I knew would break my heart. I couldn’t even control it.

“Aww,
no. Don’t cry,” Ryder said when he saw me starting to lose it. He wrapped his arms around me in a squeezing hug.

Then suddenly everything felt a million times better.
I tried to ignore how freaking phenomenal his arms felt and how amazing he smelled – all woodsy and masculine and so familiar it made me want to let the tears spill over for a completely different reason. But it was seriously freaking me out at the same time. When had I started noticing how Ryder smelled? I’d just seen him in August, and I hadn’t once had any urges to grab his face and kiss him like I was now.

I laid my head on his shoulder as he held me, simply basking in the way it felt to be wrapped up in him.

“I’m sorry, Syd. I didn’t mean to make fun of you. You’re not going to go all diva on me, are you?”

I laughed. I couldn’t help it. He always knew how to make me laug
h when I was feeling like shit, and calling me a diva was a surefire way to do it.

I pulled away from him and shoved against his
chest. “I hate you,” I grumbled, but I couldn’t help smiling as I said it.

He grabbed me again, pulled me against his chest and lowered his head so his lips were right by my ear. “You love me,” he said, his breath warm and inviting as it grazed my skin.

I only needed to turn my head and our lips would be inches apart. Damn, but I couldn’t do that. I might have been freaked out, but it would freak Ryder out even more if I were to try and kiss him.

“You love me,” he repeated. “It’s why you came here instead of going somewhere fabulous for the holidays. What will
Celebrity Weekly
say when they hear you had macaroni and cheese and boxed wine tonight instead of ringing in the New Year at some fabulous celebrity filled club?”

I shrugged. “
If you don’t tell them, they’ll never know. Besides, I don’t care. I’m sick of everyone caring so much about what I do, who I date, where I go. I need a break from all that.”

I lied
back down on the floor again which prompted Ryder to lie next to me.

“
Well you got one. When do you have to go back?”

“Not until the sixth.
And I’m going to lay low until then. I figure I’ll stay in, order room service, do a little writing. Just hide for a while, you know?”

“I wish I could stay,” he said, looking wistful all of a sudden. “I miss you.
We never get to see each other anymore.”

“
I know! I miss you so much. I haven’t met anyone in L.A. who could replace you.”

Damn, now he had me feeling bad again. We used to be inseparable, but ever since I’d moved to L.A., and now with him living in Florida, our relationship had been pretty much relegated to the phone. We saw each other twice a year or so when he’d come visit me for a long
weekend or join me on tour for a few days, but that was it. And being here with him now made me realize how much better life was with him around.

I hated that he’d decided to go to college on the East Coast. He’d gotten in to UCLA, Oregon and Washington, but in the end, he’d picked
the University of Florida. I’d been voting for UCLA for obvious reasons, but my vote hadn’t carried enough weight, I suppose.

His jaw dropped in offense. “You’d better not replace me.”

“No way,” I said sincerely. “You’re right, I love you too much.”

He beamed at me, and his stupid, sexy dimples popped out once again.

“You’re sure you have to leave tomorrow? You can’t stay one more day?” I pleaded, suddenly wanting to grab onto his shirt and never let him go. He couldn’t go back to Florida if I was holding onto him.

He nodded. “Yeah, I have to get back. You know, buy my books, figure out where my classes are, and we’ve got Spring Rush coming up.”

“I can’t believe you joined a frat. It just doesn’t seem like you.”

He shrugged. “Nah, the guys are cool. Frats are big in the south, and they’re not what you’d expect. It’s just guys hanging out, drinking beer and
playing video games most of the time. And we have parties a lot. It’s cool. You should come visit and see for yourself.”

I laughed. “Yeah
, right. I’m not sure that’s the best idea.”

I could just imagine what would happen if I set foot on a college campus
, let alone at a frat house. It would be mayhem. I got recognized everywhere I went. The paparazzi trailed me constantly, and my fans, who were incredible in their own way and probably just wanted to meet me, could be a little intense. I rarely went anywhere without security anymore. I wouldn’t subject Ryder or his friends to that kind of craziness.

Ryder
rolled over and propped his head up on his elbow. “Why not? No one believes me when I tell them that Sydney Chase is my best friend, even though I have the pictures to prove it. They think I just have some weird obsession with you.”

“
You do,” I teased, poking him in the stomach.

Of course my finger was met with taught muscles. Fant
astic. Ryder had a six-pack now. Great.

“Whatever,” he said, grabbing my finger and squeezing it for a few seconds before he released it.

“It’s fine. I get it,” I said, continuing to tease him. “I know you’ve been in love with me for years, biding your time, just waiting for me to tell you I feel the same way. Don’t try to hide it.”

I giggled, that last tequila shot having gone to my head
rather quickly. Had I been more coherent, I might have noticed the dark cloud that passed over Ryder’s face as soon as the words were out of my mouth, but I didn’t see it. I wasn’t looking for it at all.

“Yeah, right,” he joked. “That’s exactly how I feel.”

He rolled over onto his back then, and I followed suit, looking up at the ceiling. I’d seen that ceiling so many times as a kid, and I’d actually missed it. It was weird to miss something like a ceiling, but Ryder had long ago put up those glow-in-the-dark stars that spelled out Ryder + Sydney, and just seeing the words made me feel at home. I noticed he’d also added a poster of me over his bed.

“It’s why you have that creepy poster on your ceiling,” I teased.

“Creepy, nothing. That’s my best friend you’re talking about. Be nice.”

Okay, so that was kind of sweet. If he’d have been straight, I might have wondered if he stared up at me while he jerked off, which was an image I didn’t want in my head – or maybe I did, since now that I thought about it, it sounded kind of hot. Not that it mattered, though, because there was no way I was the image in Ryder’s head when he got off. I didn’t have a penis.

I turned my head to look at him. I knew I should just say what was underlying in my twisted mind without giving away how much I suddenly wanted to rip his clothes off so I could see the amazing body I just knew was hiding under there.

“I’ve
really missed you, babe,” I told him honestly, banishing the thoughts of what it would feel like to run my hands up his bare chest. Ryder had always had a slight build, but somewhere between starting college and now, he’d filled out, and the way his green t-shirt stretched over his chest and hugged his arms let me know how fantastic he probably looked when he was shirtless.

He took my hand in his then, eliciting those tingly feelings once again, but I pushed t
hem away. I couldn’t get wrapped up in them. I’d never be able to have him like that, but it was okay. Aside from how hot I suddenly thought he was, what I liked more was the comfort that came from being with someone familiar who I knew loved me unconditionally – the real me, not the me who was portrayed for the world to see. Ryder knew all of my faults, my fears, and the secret parts of me that I’d never let anyone else see.

He looked over and met my gaze then. “I’ve missed you too. We should make time to see each other more
often. I don’t like going for months at a time only talking on the phone.”

“I know,” I sighed. “My life is just crazy.
You know that. If I’m not recording, I’m rehearsing or writing music or doing a photo shoot or an interview. Awards season is coming up, and I’m opening The Grammys, plus I’m performing at the Oscars since the song I wrote for that movie
Shameless
is nominated. Then there’s the tour.”

As I talked, I took notice of how Ryder’s
dark hair fell over his forehead. He was so cute, it was painful to look at him and not be able to touch him like I suddenly wanted to.

Wow
, that had to be the alcohol talking.

“Sounds like a hard life. I’m taking
Organic Chemistry and Calc III this semester,” he said glumly.

“That’s because you’re a smarty-pants
Environmental Science major for some unknown reason,” I teased him.

“Actually I’m double-majoring in
Environmental Science and Poly Sci,” he corrected me, and I rolled my eyes.

Ryder was one of the smartest people I knew. He had grand dreams of being
an environmental lawyer, so he’d decided to dual major as an undergrad. He was the only person I knew who got excited about things like the ways humans could positively affect global warming and what we could do to prevent certain animals from going extinct. It was actually kind of admirable – and a little adorable when he got on a roll talking about something he was passionate about.

“You’ll ace those classes, and you know it,” I told him.

“I guess,” he said, shrugging. “It’s just going to be a lot of work.”

I noticed he didn’t refute my statement, because he knew he’d ace his classes. It
was one of the things that honestly made Ryder so sexy to me. I loved how smart he was, and where I was artsy, he had a science brain and had always been good at the things I failed at. But we’d always complimented each other so well.

Growing up, he’d been this scrawny, nerdy boy who was shy and quiet, but
he was so sweet, and I loved him so much. I liked to think that I helped bring him out of his shell with my fearlessness and ambition. And he’d definitely come into his own in the past few years. The once skinny, scrawny guy had grown into a sexy twenty year-old with a killer smile and a body to match. He was still shy though, and I wondered if he knew how he looked to the outside world, if he knew just how hot he was. I had a slew of friends who’d seen his picture and told me how gorgeous he was. Whether Ryder knew it or not, he was beautiful.