One to Love (One to Hold #4) (4 page)

“What are you talking about? I always listen to you.” He only paused a moment to squint at me then he dropped the knife and pulled out several long, bamboo skewers.

“I’m lactose intolerant, dumbass. You know this. Now hand me one of those.”

“Well, shit.” His tone was teasing, and he passed me a skewer. “I can still make you a plain burger. Of which you’ll eat every bite.”

“Sounds great! Just no bun. And no kebobs for me.”

His lips pressed together as he moved the cutting board of vegetables between us. I grabbed a potato and speared it.

“That’s your problem. Why no carbs?”

“I teach low-impact, strength-training classes. Protein is what I need. Look how bulked up I am!” Pulling back my sleeve with my pinkie, I flexed my bicep proudly. I’d never had muscles before.

He shook his head. “I’ve seen bigger lumps in Lane’s oatmeal.”

“What the hell!” I kicked his thigh. “Don’t give my baby lumpy oatmeal!”

“Ow!” He laughed, which made me laugh.

“Just because you’re all Mr. Muscles.”

“Muscles need fuel. You need to eat right.” He grinned, and for a moment, we only slid vegetables onto bamboo spears. I didn’t feel like old arguments.

“So what’s going on?” He finished his and moved around me to wash his hands then leaned against the counter still holding the towel. “You usually plan your weekend visits on Monday, not Friday night. Want to talk about it?”

I finished my kebob and reached for the towel to clean my hands. In the time it took to do so, my eyes went from his light brown hair touched with the faintest caramel highlights to his smoky hazel eyes. Patrick was so good-looking.
Why didn’t I feel more for him?

“I dunno.” I hesitated, feeling just the slightest bit nervous. “I haven’t been myself lately. I feel like something’s wrong with me.”

“Like what? You sick?”

“No,” I said, crossing my arms. Now I wished I hadn’t brought it up.

“Then what’s this about? What’s on your mind?”

Squinting my eyes closed, I thought about the pressure in my chest, about how it was so hard to take a deep breath. I thought about Patrick and me, and why a no-good punk in a magazine captured my attention when this sunny, Captain America didn’t.

“I feel like somehow I’m destined to make bad choices. I mean, I’ll get these opportunities, and then it’s like I run away or screw them up somehow.” Hopping down, I walked to the table, my back to him. “Like just for example, why didn’t I stay with you? You were sweet to me, and we had great chemistry. Why did I run?”

He walked over to where I stood, and I turned to study his thoughtful face. “It’s probably because you knew, deep down inside, that if you’d stayed with me, you’d be in jail right now.”

“Dammit, Patrick!” I punched him hard—left jab to the shoulder.

“Shit,” he laughed, rubbing the spot. “You really are bulking up! What was that for?”

“I thought you were being serious.” My brows pinched. “I need you to be serious for once.”

“I’m serious as a fuckin’ heart attack. If we’d stayed together, with how we both are... you’d have ended up sticking a fork in my head or something.”

Even though he was joking, I knew he was right, and it felt like a huge weight off my shoulders. “It’s only because you’re ridiculously sunny all the time. If you weren’t so obnoxiously good-looking, we wouldn’t even have Lane.”

“I guess that’s a compliment.” He leaned back against the table, crossing his arms and giving me The Smile.
Panty-melter.
“So why the sudden attack of self-doubt?”

“I don’t know.” Rubbing my stomach, I started to pace. “Back then, I was so afraid of being disloyal to Blake’s memory. I felt like if I even acknowledged a man was attractive, I was somehow cheating on him. When I slept with you, I thought I’d die for hurting him like that.”

“I remember.” His voice grew quiet. “But Ken, Blake is dead.”

“I know!” Pushing my hands into the sides of my hair, my mind went to last night and my experience with the box. “Yesterday I was looking at his things—at our things—and it was the first time I could do it without breaking down. I’m scared of what that means, Patrick.”

He exhaled deeply, and for a few minutes he only stood there, rubbing the back of his neck. “Like what? That you could have feelings for someone else?”

“No.” I was still figuring it out myself, but I pushed on. “I think, maybe I’m scared... like even if I don’t feel the pain anymore, I still remember how bad it hurt to lose him. I can’t go through that again.”

“Why would you have to?”

My chin dropped, and a curtain of dark purple slid over my cheek. Strong arms were around me at once, pulling me against his chest. His chin rested on my head as he stroked my back. “Love is a risk, babe.”

“If I’d stayed with you it would’ve been easy. I was safe, and we had Lane...”

“Now you’re fucking with your own head. You don’t like safe, and you don’t love me.”

I stepped away from him, embarrassed. “I do...”
Just not like that.

“Look at me.” He caught my shoulders, and I lifted my chin. “You made the right call. You knew it then, and you know it now. We would’ve eventually killed each other.”

I tried not to laugh, but I couldn’t help it. He was right.

“What’s worse is I wouldn’t have Elaine, and she is perfect for me. Just like there’s someone out there perfect for you.”

“If I don’t manage to screw it all up.”

“Don’t.” His voice was calm, a direct order.

“Don’t.” I repeated. “Just like that.”

“Just like that. Don’t borrow trouble, and don’t go looking for it. Put one foot in front of the other and stay open to what might happen.”

My lips pressed together as I thought about it. “And if I ruin everything again?”

“You won’t ruin anything. You couldn’t. When you find him, he’ll be right in every way. No forks needed.” He caught my hand and held it. “Will you try?”

The smallest hint of a smile tugged at the corner of my mouth, and I nodded. “I’ll try.”

At that exact moment, the door burst open and a tiny, golden tornado blustered straight at me. “Mommy!”

I dropped to a squat just as chubby arms flew around my neck, filling every part of me with roaring love and happiness.

“Peanut!” I cried, as he hit me with such force, I sat back on my ass.

“I couldn’t get him out of his car seat fast enough.” Elaine laughed as she put two bags on the counter. Patrick had gone to meet her, and she kissed him on the lips briefly, still talking. “He kept squealing ‘Mommy!’ like there was no tomorrow.”

I hugged Lane tighter, kissing his little neck and burying my nose in his sweet baby scent that always soothed whatever was bothering me.

“Mommy,” he said, patting the sides of my head, his baby blue eyes filled with wonder. “Purple.”

“That’s right!” I stood, hauling him up with me. “Mommy’s hair is purple. You like it?”

“I love it!” Elaine had just finished pouring him a sippy cup.

“Mommy.” He reached for her, and she handed it to him. She was as beautiful as ever dressed in a simple white tank and jeans, her straight blonde hair hanging loose down her back.

Patrick sidled up behind her, sliding his hands around her waist. “How long before Lane can say he has two mommies?”

Her eyes narrowed as her elbow shot back into his stomach. “Shut up.”

“Hot,” Patrick mouthed with a wink, but I only shook my head, hugging my little boy.

“Wish I could get away with crazy colors at school.” Elaine was back in the kitchen, unpacking the bags.

Lane pulled the cup away with a smack and plunged a chubby hand into my hair. “Purple,” he said again.

“You are so smart! You know your colors.” Rubbing my nose against his, I carried him over to the table, glancing back just in time to see Patrick kissing Elaine’s neck as she put the groceries away.

If I ever doubted staying with his daddy was the absolute best choice for Lane, seeing the two of them together always erased it. Here he had a stable home with two people who loved each other as much as him. I was still trying to figure my shit out, and I earned just enough money to cover my bills. It was hard, but this way I could see him as often as possible, and it felt like I had a family, too.

“Why don’t you guys go out tonight?” I called back. “I’ll stay home with Lane, and you can have a date night.”

Patrick was saying something low to Elaine, but he stopped to yell at me. “You’ll do anything to get out of a decent meal.”

“I’ll have my dinner with Lane.”

He finished whatever he was saying, and her eyebrows rose before she hopped over to where I was sitting on the couch. “I have a better idea. Let’s have a girls’ night!”

My brow lined, and I couldn’t help being suspicious. “I don’t know. I didn’t really bring anything for going out.”

“Are you kidding? We’re in Wilmington. It’s completely casual. We’ll just go to one of the little bars and have some girl talk and flirt.”

“Hey!” Patrick called from the kitchen.

“Kenny will flirt.” She shouted back. “Mel and I will merely judge her choices. It will be a very judgy evening.”

Squeezing my baby closer, my initial impulse was to say no, but I caught sight of Patrick’s encouraging face. I
had
just promised him I’d try.

“But I came here to see Lane.” It was a weak last attempt, and my little boy was already resting his head on my shoulder.

“He’ll be asleep before we leave the house,” Elaine said, rubbing his back. “You’re staying in his room, right? You can snuggle with him in the morning, too.”

With a deep exhale, I surrendered.

* * *

D
erek Alexander met us at the door dressed in a navy tee and jeans with a tiny infant perched on his shoulder. His muscles stretched his shirtsleeves, yet he was so careful with his little son—I silently acknowledged few things were sexier than the sight of a giant man cuddling a baby.

“Hey, Elaine. Kenny.” He pulled my companion into a hug, but I hung back.

It wasn’t only because he was ridiculously gorgeous. He was also the man Carl had gone to for help. The night I lost Blake, Carl also lost his little brother Max. It was a bar brawl, and the prosecution needed help building their case against the killers.

As a private investigator, Derek agreed to help us
pro bono
, which was a fancy way of saying
free
, and Carl always said it was because of Derek his brother got justice. I’d only met him once, because I wasn’t able to attend the trial. I’d pretty much fallen apart after Blake died, and it took a month before I even had the will to crawl out of bed. I’d heard the beginnings of what had happened that night and thrown up. After that, I didn’t want to know anymore—I just wanted it gone.

Carl sort-of adopted me as a little sister. He took care of me, bringing me food and even giving me a job when I was finally able to get on my feet again. I was eternally grateful to him and to this man standing in front of us for getting me through one of the toughest times in my life.

“Look at Dex,” Elaine cooed, taking the infant from his daddy’s arms. The dark-haired baby rooted into her neck but didn’t wake, and I watched as Derek rubbed his little back, eyes brimming with love.

He was like this gorgeous, giant mountain of perfectness, and my stomach was so tight, I couldn’t even face him to say Thank You.

All I could manage was a quiet, “He’s really cute.” I blinked quickly to meet Derek’s intense blue eyes and then away just as fast. “How old is he?”

“Six months, next Tuesday.” His voice was deep and soothing, and while it was difficult to hold eye contact with him, I could tell he was an amazing dad from the way he touched that little guy.

Melissa breezed into the room, and his expression changed again. The look that passed between them was enough to make anyone envious.

“You’re sure you’ll be okay here without me?” She smiled, rising on her tiptoes to kiss his lips.

Derek leaned forward and swept her into a huge hug. “Yes, now get out of here and have some fun with your friends.”

She laughed, squeezing his massive arms. “You make it sound like it’s such a prison sentence being here.”

A low rumble, and she took Dex from her friend’s arms. “Goodnight, my love,” she whispered before kissing his baby ear and carefully handing him back to Derek. “Let me know if he wakes up or cries or
anything
.”

“He’ll be fine.” Derek cuddled his little boy. “Now go before I change my mind.”

His eyes twinkled, and I knew he was teasing. Regardless, Melissa hesitated until Elaine grabbed her by the wrist.

“Good lord, you two are going to drive me crazy. Enough with all the hermit behavior.” She dragged her friend out the door with Melissa still glancing back at her gorgeous husband and darling infant.

Following, I couldn’t even criticize her. I remembered when Lane was that age. He’d stayed with me at first because I was nursing him, and I didn’t want to leave him for anything. Of course, I didn’t have any reason to leave him—he was all I had.

“He’ll only be an infant once,” Melissa argued, going slowly to the car. “I can’t help it if I hate to leave him.”

“I know how you feel,” I said giving her a smile. “I understand it a lot.”

Her blue eyes met mine, and she ducked, crinkling her nose. “I’m sure Elaine’s right, though. It’s good to get out of the house.”

The Dancing Gypsy was a small place with beaded curtains and colorful accents. A stage was in one corner and a bar in the other. Several wooden, diner-style booths were peppered around the room. I ordered a cosmopolitan while Elaine had a margarita. Melissa got a glass of white wine.

It didn’t take long to get our orders—the place was pretty empty. Still, we were decked out. Elaine had changed into a bright red top over her jeans, while I’d pulled on khaki jeggings and a long-sleeved black tunic. Melissa wore a sleeveless black dress with a fun, flippy skirt and heels.

“I really shouldn’t drink, since I’ve got to feed Dex,” she apologized, taking a small sip from her glass.

“And now you’re done!” Elaine used best teacher voice. “No more baby talk! It’s a Saturday night, Kenny’s getting laid, and you’re having nothing but adult conversation.”