One Swinging Summer (29 page)

As he brought me to the brink once again, I turned my head to my right and watched as the couple beside me was doing it doggie-style.

She was next to me, her head even with mine, on her knees. Her breasts were swaying with his thrusts. She saw me looking at her and smiled. My hand reached out of its own accord, almost tentatively. It wanted to touch her. She saw my tentative reach and she said, "Go ahead. It's OK."

"Yeah?" I asked, just to be sure.

She smiled, and said, "Yeah."

I touched her breast, stopping it in mid swing. As Caleb teased me, driving me crazy, I felt the weight of her breast in my hand. Her nipple pressing against my palm. Her man continued to slide in and out of her, and Caleb stopped his oral teasing and knealt between my legs, now teasing me with the tip of his cock.

He ran his hands up and down my body, playing again with my breasts, as he pressed himself gently against me. He slid slowly, oh so slowly home. As he sat still for a second, deep inside me, I took my hand off of my neighbor's swinging breast and ran it over to her other one. I played with her breasts as her man kept sliding in and out of her.

I took my hand off of her and turned my attention back to Caleb. He was slowly teasing me again. Pulling all the way out, and sliding so slowly back deep inside.

I looked to my left and realized we had company now there as well. There was another couple on that bed. He was laying on his back, as I was, and she was blowing him, her ass in the air. They were at an odd angle, he was far from us, but she was close.

Caleb reached out his hand and rubbed her ass. I thought that he should have asked first, but she didn't seem to mind. Actually, she leaned into his attentions. Soon he was fingering her from behind and still buried deep in me, thrusting faster now. She scooted in closer toward Caleb's hand, now right next to us.

I turned my head back to the right, and watched as our original couple came together. He was still behind her doggiestyle, and she had her hand working between her legs. Once she started to come, he started thrusting faster and faster, moaning his release as she was coming down from hers.

Watching them, and with Caleb's thumb making circles against my clit as he slid in and out, I finally fell over the edge Caleb kept bringing me to. Feeling me come, Caleb started driving into me. Harder, faster, his finger's still on our neighbor.

At that moment I happened to look to my left and saw the girl that Caleb was fingering look back over her shoulder and say the words, "Fuck me, please."

Still in my post sex fog, I didn't react fast enough, but Caleb did. He pulled out of me and in one quick movement he was deep inside our neighbor, nailing her from behind.

About the time that I looked up at him in horror, he also realized what he had just done. He looked down at me with a panicked look on his face. But it was too late. Two more quick, panicked thrusts and he came too.

CHAPTER 35
AN UNDERSTANDING

I tried to reassure Caleb in the dressing room afterward, but we were both in shock. We had quickly left the bed, grabbed our clothes and come in here. He kept saying, "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to. I mean, I meant to, obviously. But, I wasn't thinking. I'm so sorry."

I said, "I know. I saw the whole thing. You just reacted faster than I did. I get it. We were playing with fire. I don't blame you. I wish it hadn't happened, but..."

He gave me a hug, holding me tight for a long time. I clung to him, not sure of what else I could do. "Let's get out of here," he said.

We drove away, heading to his house as it was starting to get lighter outside. We drove in silence, each in our own thoughts.

"Are you OK?" Caleb asked me quietly, about halfway home.

I turned in my seat, and faced him to answer. I opened my mouth to say something, but nothing came out. I gulped, and tried again. I took a deep breath, looked into his worried eyes, and burst into tears.

Caleb pulled the car off of the freeway at the next exit, and parked in the nearest empty parking lot. He unbuckled both of our seatbelts and pulled me to him, holding me tight as I cried. I let it all out as he held me. Once I started I couldn't stop.

The shock was wearing off and the graphic visual of watching him with another woman played over and over in my head. It was a short but powerful scene. Her begging for him. Him immediately, thoughtlessly, instinctively turning to her. My panic welling up when I couldn't say no fast enough and rein him in. His terror as he realized, blending with his expression as he came inside her.

I sobbed against him, and he held me tighter not saying a word. What could be said? The details were sharp, I could never un-see them. For the first time I was grateful for the night that I had no memory. It was more kind, not to know.

I didn't even blame him. I wasn't angry, not at all. I understood how and why it happened, in a way I never would have if I hadn't been there with him. But I was still crushed. I was heartbroken. I guess building walls around my heart, thinking we could play this game unemotionally and unattached was false. This viseral gut reaction didn't make sense if I didn't care for him. To fall apart this completely over an honest mistake just opened my eyes to how much I cared about him. And that realization made me cry even harder.

This wasn't how it was supposed to go. I was using him, remember? For a fun, carefree, erotic experience to look back on when I was old and married to someone else. This was all supposed to happen in a bubble, with no hard feelings or consequences. I wasn't supposed to care.

Caleb held me tight, even as my sobs faded into hiccups. He didn't know how to help me so he just hung on. I think he was as surprised by my reaction as I was.

"We don't have to go back there. Ever again. OK? We won't go back." He said, petting my hair and kissing the top of my head.

We sat there a while longer, in silence, watching the sun come up. "Come on. Let's get home. We can go to bed and talk about this some more later. OK?" I found some tissues in his car and wiped my tears and blew my nose. "Ok."

We rode the rest of the way in silence. I sat beside him on the truck seat and he held my hand as he drove. When we got to his house, we went straight upstairs, took our clothes off and climbed into his bed.

We lay on our sides, facing each other. He pulled me close and I rested my head against his chest. I wrapped my free arm around him and he used one hand to pull my leg over his before settling his arm around me. It took me a long time to fall asleep.

When I opened my eyes the next day, we were still laying in the same spot. We hadn't moved at all, still holding each other tight. After a few minutes I realized from Caleb's breathing that he was awake too.

"Good morning." He whispered cautiously.

My face was buried in his chest, so I kissed the skin there reassuringly, and said good morning back to him.

"Ready for some coffee?" He asked.

I wiggled away from him just enough to be able to look him in the eyes. "Yes, please." I answered him, searching his face for signs. Of what I wasn't sure.

When he came back with two cups I was dressed in shorts and a t-shirt, sitting on his patio. It was afternoon and hot outside, but I barely noticed. He handed me a cup, and sat down in the chair beside me. After a few sips he said, "Want to talk about it?"

I answered with, "Not particularly." But smiled wanely at him, knowing we needed to.

He smiled back at me, and then rubbed his free hand over his face, yawning and waking up.

"I'm not angry." I started, wanting that out there.

"Not even a little?"

I thought about his question, searching myself. I wanted this to be an honest conversation.

"No, not even a little bit. Anger isn't it."

"What is it then? The biggest one?"

"I'm not sure." I said slowly. "Sadness? Hurt? Confusion?"

"Jealousy?"

My eyes flew to his at that quiet question. I teared up as I searched his face. I nodded slowly.

"I thought that might be part of it."

We sipped in silence for a while.

"Your reaction took me by surprise." He said softly.

I just looked at him, my eyebrows up.

"You seem so tough, that's all. I would have been less surprised if you were pissed. If you had yelled at me the whole way home. I didn't expect tears."

"I didn't either."

We drank quietly some more.

"I never meant to hurt you."

"I know that." I said.

He looked at me, holding my gaze.

"I know." I said again. "I do. I realize that it wasn't intentional, honest. You wouldn't hurt me on purpose. I know that, deeply. Or I wouldn't be sitting here now. I wouldn't have come this far with you if I didn't believe that."

He nodded, breaking eye contact, satisfied with my answer.

The fact that I was hurt was something that had taken me by surprise, and I wasn't ready to examine that right now. That meant that I hadn't protected my heart like I thought I had, and I wasn't ready to face that. Or anything that led to.

"I don't want to lose you over this. I care about you. I meant what I said last night. We don't have to ever go back there. You don't have to worry about that."

I nodded. I was glad he understood. And that he chose me. I was done with that place. All of those places. My intent when we started this adventure was pure, a little harmless fun. But now it was different. If I was starting to fall for him, I couldn't keep going there. And if he was willing to not go there anymore either, to choose me over the lifestyle I had introduced him to, well, that was all the answers I needed right now. The rest could wait.

CHAPTER 36
OR NOT

Caleb and I talked on the phone a lot over the next week. Sunday, after our conversation on his patio, we let the subject drop. We tried to enjoy the day together and put the weekend behind us. I was grateful that we tried to keep things as close to normal as we could, under the circumstances. I didn't want to dwell on things, escpecially since we had come to an agreement that we were done in those sex clubs.

I just wanted to move past it and see what a normal relationship with Caleb would be like. Since we had addressed it early on his porch, the rest of the day didn't seem like there was a big elephant in the room. But, there was the fact that we didn't have sex again that weekend, which this week on the phone did feel like we were tiptoeing around a smaller elephant. I kept imagining this smaller elephant dressed as a french maid for some reason.

I didn't know what to think about this tulle-clad elephant. I was glad that we didn't have sex right away. I wasn't sure I was ready, with the visuals I still had in my head of Caleb with her. But, they say if you fall off the horse you should immediately get back on, or it gets harder the longer you wait. I almost felt like we should have had sex, whether I really wanted to or not. To claim him back or something.

I was looking forward to Friday night and going back to our old routine. Until we could put some distance between that weekend and our new relationship, I was afraid things would be awkward.

I dressed up for the club and for Caleb. I wanted to show him that I was still the sexy, daring person he had originally been attracted to. The woman who was up for throwing her panties at him from a car and almost willing to ride naked through a drive-thru. I didn't want him to think I had changed anything other than my openness for the clubs.

We met Caleb's crowd for dinner. Mark and Maria were lighthearted. Mark said his mom was doing well, she had come through her health issues better than anyone had expected. Brenda had been able to join us again, so she and Jean rounded out our group. We hadn't spent much time all together since the night we went to the gay bar, so much of dinner was the four of us telling tales, filling Mark and Maria in on the night they missed. By the time we all got to the club, we were relaxed, laughing and ready to have a great time.

I danced with the girls a lot. All of them- Maria, Jean, Brenda and Kate and her group. I got quite a few close, slow dances in with Caleb as well. At one point we had to laugh because we spotted Tina at just about the same time that she spotted us. She stopped in her tracks, wide-eyed like a deer in the headlights. Then she turned around and walked away. No linebacker kisses tonight.

I had filled Kate in when her and I were alone, telling her why we wouldn't be joining her and Michael tonight. She understood completely, not even rubbing it in that they tried to warn us about taking things slow.

The evening passed in a fun, care-free environment full of friends, drinks, dances and kisses. I realized that I was relieved not to be going to That Other Club tonight. I had enjoyed the experience, for the most part. But I was glad to be able to move on from it, my curiousity about the whole scene had been satisfied. I now knew exactly what went on behind those closed doors. And as much as I really liked certain aspects of that lifestyle, I knew in my heart that I wasn't comfortable exploring that scene with someone that I had realized I had strong feelings for.

I mentioned that while Caleb and I were dancing. He had me tucked up against him as we moved, like he usually did. I leaned back from him a bit, so I could see his face as we talked.

"I am glad we aren't going with Michael and Kate anymore, you know. Thank you for going with me on that wild ride, there isn't anyone else I would have been open to trying all that with. I know we went too far, too fast, but I'm glad it was you that went too far and too fast with me."

Caleb looked down at me, confused. "You don't want to go tonight?"

It was my turn to look confused. "No. Of course not. We talked about this Sunday. You said we never had to go back, not to worry about it."

"I meant The Lakehouse. I'd never ask you to go back to The Lakehouse."

"Oh. I thought..."

"You don't want to go to That Other Club either? Ever?" Caleb asked me, seeming genuinely surprised.

I shook my head no, at a complete loss for words.

"I thought you liked it there? The dressing up in costumes. The shadow box. The sexy nakedness of the place."