One Special Christmas & Home for the Holidays (7 page)

Impulsively Kate reached out and touched his hand. “I'm sorry, Eric.”

Startled, he dropped his gaze to her slender fingers lightly resting on his sun-browned hand. It was funny. He couldn't remember a single time during his entire relationship with Cindy when she'd touched him in quite this way, with such heartfelt empathy and simple
human caring. His throat tightened, and he swallowed with difficulty.

“So am I,” he admitted, his voice suddenly husky. “I always believed marriage was forever, that if things got rough you worked them out. But by the time I brought up the idea of counseling, it was too late. Cindy had already given up. She finally asked for a divorce, and under the circumstances I agreed. But in my heart I still feel married. I spoke those vows in the sight of God, and I can't forget them as easily as she did.”

“What do you mean?”

“She remarried a few months after the divorce became final. She and her new husband live in Denver. It's not that I'm judging her, Kate. I leave that to God. But it wasn't the right thing for me.”

“So that's what your mother meant when she said she'd better take this opportunity to play grandmother,” Kate mused aloud.

Eric looked surprised. “She told you that?”

“Yes. The day I met her.”

“Well, maybe my message is finally sinking in. But I know she's disappointed. As the only child, I was her one hope for grandchildren,” he said ruefully.

“Hey, hey, hey! This conversation looks way too heavy,” Frank interrupted with a grin. “Time to liven things up a little. Okay, Kate, one more round of lawn darts. I feel renewed after that meal.”

Kate smiled and glanced at her watch. “I really need to get home,” she protested.

“Eric, convince her.”

Eric shrugged. “He'll be a bear to work with if he doesn't get a chance to redeem himself.”

Kate laughed. “Okay. One more round.”

Fifteen minutes later, after she had once more soundly beaten her host, she and Eric said their goodbyes.

“He'll never live this down, you know,” Eric told her with a chuckle as he escorted her to his car, his hand again placed possessively in the small of her back.

“Oh, people will forget,” she replied with a smile.

“I won't,” he declared smugly.

“Eric! You aren't going to use this against him, are you?”

“You'd better believe it,” he asserted promptly, grinning as he opened her door. “What are friends for?”

Kate shook her head and slid in. A moment later he took his place behind the wheel. “You know, he's going to be sorry I came tonight,” she predicted.

Eric smiled. “Maybe so. But do you know something, Kate?” At the odd note in his voice she turned to look at him. “I'm not. I had a really good time.”

At his words, a feeling of warmth and happiness washed over her like a healing balm. “So did I,” she admitted quietly. “Thanks for asking me.”

“It was my pleasure.” As he pulled away from the curb, he glanced over at her. “Maybe we can do it again sometime.”

Again? Kate wasn't sure that was wise. It wasn't that she found Eric's company lacking. He was a great conversationalist, an empathetic listener, intelligent, well-read—not to mention incredibly handsome. She liked him. A lot. And therein lay the problem. She liked him
too
much. While she might have reached a turning point in her life tonight, she wasn't ready to deal with relationships—at least, not the male/female variety. And that included Eric—despite the fact that he wasn't even in the market for romance.

Like Eric, Kate believed in that “till death us do
part” vow. Even though she was no longer bound by it, in her heart she still felt married. Yet being with Eric tonight had awakened feelings long suppressed—and best left undisturbed, she decided firmly. Though her reactions had been subtle, they spelled danger. Intuitively she knew that Eric Carlson's very presence could disrupt her life by raising questions she wasn't yet ready to address and forcing her to examine issues she wasn't prepared to face.

She turned and gazed out into the night with a troubled frown, oblivious to the passing scenery. Even her mild reaction—or maybe
attraction
was a better word, she admitted honestly—to Eric tonight made her feel guilty; as if she were somehow betraying the love she and Jack had shared. It was
not
a good feeling. And the best way to keep it from happening again was to stay away from the disturbing man beside her.

It was as simple as that.

O
kay, maybe it wasn't quite
that
simple, Kate conceded the next Sunday as she waited for Eric to pick Sarah up for church. Their paths were going to cross every Sunday at this rate unless she decided to take Sarah to services herself. And that wasn't likely to happen anytime in the near future. So she'd just have to get used to seeing him once a week and maintain a polite distance.

Except that would be easier said than done, she acknowledged with a sigh. There was just something about him that drew her. Maybe it was his eyes, she mused. They were wonderful eyes. Understanding. Warm. Caring. Compelling. She'd never seen eyes quite so intensely blue before—nor so insightful. When he gazed at her she felt he could almost see into her soul.

Strangely enough, that didn't bother her, even though she'd always been a very private person. Maybe because—stranger still—she felt as if they weren't just recent acquaintances, but old friends. Which made no sense. For all practical purposes, they'd met less than two weeks ago. Nevertheless, the feeling of familiarity
persisted. It was disconcerting—yet somehow oddly comforting.

The doorbell rang, and Sarah dashed to answer it. Kate followed more slowly, grateful that Eric's attention was distracted by his young greeter long enough for her to take a quick inventory—and then struggle to regain control of a breathing pattern that suddenly went haywire as she stared at him.

Kate had always known that Eric was a handsome man. He had classic Nordic good looks, and in a different age might have stood at the helm of a questing ship. Yet his gentle manner and kindheartedness were at odds with those Viking images of old. It seemed he had inherited the best of both worlds—ancient athletic virility and modern male sensibilities. It was a stunning—and extremely appealing—combination. And never had it come across more clearly than today. In a light-gray summer suit that emphasized his lean, muscular frame, and a crisp white shirt and dark blue, patterned tie, he was by far the most attractive man Kate had seen in a long time. Or maybe he was just the first one she'd
noticed
in a long time, she acknowledged with a frown.

He chose that moment to look up, and his smile of greeting faded when he saw her troubled expression. “Everything okay?”

She forced the corners of her mouth to lift and closed the distance between them. “Fine.”

“Not having second thoughts?”

“No, of course not.”

He studied her for a moment with those discerning eyes, as if debating whether to pursue the subject. Much to her relief, he let it rest. “We usually go to breakfast
after services. Would you like us to swing by and pick you up? Make it a foursome?”

“Can we, Mommy?” Sarah asked eagerly. “I could get pancakes. I like pancakes,” she told Eric.

He grinned. “So do I.” He transferred his gaze back to Kate, and his expression softened. Or was it only her imagination? she wondered. “How about it, Kate?”

“I appreciate the offer, Eric, but your mom told me that's your special time together. We wouldn't want to intrude.”

“Actually, it was her idea. But I had the same thought. She just brought it up first,” he said with an engaging grin.

“Oh. Well, maybe another time. I really hadn't planned on going out at all today. I need to work on some lesson plans.”

“Now what's that old saying? ‘All work and no play makes Jack a—'” At the sudden pallor of Kate's face, Eric stopped short, his jaw tightening in self-reproach. Of all the stupid remarks! “Kate, I'm sorry. I just didn't think.”

“It's…it's all right,” she assured him shakily. “It's just that— Well, that saying was Jack's motto. He was a great believer in keeping things in proper perspective. He always made sure we took time for fun, and he never forgot to smell the flowers along the way.”

“I have a feeling I would have liked him,” Eric said quietly.

She summoned up a sad smile. “I think you might be right.”

“Are we going now?” Sarah asked impatiently.

With an effort, Eric released Kate's gaze and smiled down at the little girl. “I don't think I've ever seen
anyone quite so anxious to go to church,” he teased. “God will be very happy.”

“I just want to show Aunt Anna my new dress. Mommy bought it for me this summer and we were saving it for a special occasion.”

Kate liked the deep, rich sound of the chuckle that rumbled out of Eric's chest. “Well, we won't tell God that's the reason you want to hurry. We wouldn't want to hurt His feelings.”

“I want to go to church, too,” Sarah assured him. “I like the singing.”

“I'll walk out to the car with you,” Kate said. “I'd like to say hello to Anna.”

The two women exchanged a few words while Eric settled Sarah in the back seat, then he rejoined them.

“You're sure you won't come to breakfast, Kate?” Anna asked.

“Maybe another time. But thank you.”

“I'll see you back to your door,” Eric told her.

She looked at him in surprise. “That's really not necessary.”

“Yes, it is. I have something I want to ask you.”

He fell into step beside her, and she looked up at him curiously. “Is there a problem?”

He smiled ruefully. “That depends on how you look at it, I guess. I have another favor to ask, and I'd like you to consider it while we're at church.” He reached up and adjusted his tie, and Kate would have sworn he was nervous. “In addition to my job, I'm on the board of several local health-related organizations. As Mom told you, I have a tendency to slightly overextend myself,” he admitted wryly.

She smiled. “I think her exact words were that it's
harder for you to say no to a good cause than for a gopher to stop digging holes.”

He chuckled, and a pleasing crinkle of lines appeared at the corners of his eyes. “That sounds like Mom. Anyway, next Saturday night there's a black-tie dinner dance that's the culmination of the annual fund-raising drive for one of the organizations. Usually I try to avoid these things, but I can't get out of this one. I could go alone, but to be honest, it always feels a little awkward.” They reached her door, and he turned toward her. “So I wondered if you might go with me. Will you think about it while we're at church, Kate?”

She gazed up into his clear blue eyes, and for a moment she felt as if she were basking in the warmth of the summer sun under a cloudless sky. It was a good feeling—one that had been absent from her life for a long time. But it also made her nervous. She dropped her gaze, unsure how to answer. Something told her she should say no immediately. But she didn't want to hurt Eric's feelings. He had gone out of his way to be kind to her and Sarah. And besides, she had enjoyed their time together the evening before.

“Kate?”

She looked back up at him, took a deep breath and suddenly decided to follow her heart. “All right, Eric. I'll think about it,” she agreed.

She was rewarded with a smile that lit up his face and made his eyes glow. A person could get lost in those eyes, she thought, mesmerized by their warmth. “Thanks, Kate. And don't work too hard while we're gone.”

“N-no, I won't. See you later,” she said breathlessly, then quickly slipped inside.

For a long time after he left, Kate stood with her
back braced against the front door, trying to reconcile her conflicting emotions. She felt more alive than she had in years—but she was also troubled. And she knew why. Her gaze strayed to her wedding picture, and she tenderly traced the contours of Jack's dear, familiar face. Her love for him was as strong now as it had been on that day nearly eleven years before when they'd been joined as man and wife. It had not diminished one iota.

But other things had, she thought sadly, tears welling in her eyes. Certain images and sensory memories were slowly slipping away, despite her desperate efforts to hold on to them. The funny, dismayed face Jack always made whenever she served carrots. The deep timbre of his voice during their intimate moments. The feel of his freshly-shaved skin beneath her fingertips. The distinctive, woodsy scent of his after-shave. The way he always tilted his head as he cut the grass.

All of those things were fading, like an old photograph in which all that remained were vague outlines of images that had once been sharp and clear and vibrant. Soon she would only be able to remember the
fact
that those things had once been special, not the unique qualities that made them so. She was losing Jack, bit by bit, day by day, and there was nothing she could do to stop it. The sense of distance and the ebbing of memories had accelerated in the last few months, she realized, and it left her with a sick, hollow, helpless feeling that seemed destined to plague her well into the foreseeable future.

And then, out of the blue, Eric Carlson had stepped into her life. With him, she didn't feel as hopeless and depressed. In fact, he made her feel things she'd never expected to feel again—attractive, womanly, cared for. He'd awakened in her needs that she had suppressed for five long years; needs she'd thought were forever
locked within the cold recesses of her heart. Slowly, under the warmth of his gaze, those needs were beginning to thaw. And that scared her. After all, she was a lonely widow. He was a handsome divorced man. Even if the widow was still in love with her husband and the divorced man still felt married, it just didn't seem like a safe combination.

Kate wasn't sure what to do. But she knew whom to call for advice. And she intended to place that call just as soon as she poured herself a cup of coffee.

 

“Kate? What's wrong? I thought it was my turn to call
you
this Sunday.”

“Nothing's wrong, Amy. I didn't mean to scare you,” she apologized quickly, dismayed by the alarm in her sister's voice. “I just had some free time and thought I'd call you first, that's all.”

“Thank God! I didn't mean to overreact, but—”

“That's okay. You have good reason. My unexpected phone calls haven't always been exactly uplifting.”

“Yeah, well, hopefully those days are over. So what's the occasion? It's not my birthday or anything. How come you're springing for this Sunday's call?”

“Can't I be generous once in a while?”

“Look, neither of us can afford to be generous. Why don't I call you back tonight, as usual? It
is
my turn. Every other week, remember?”

“I remember. But I just wanted to talk. Unless… Are you getting ready for church?”

“Nope. Cal pulled a midnight shift at the park last night and is sleeping in. We're going to the second service. So I've got the time. But you haven't got the money.”

“Will you quit with the money thing?”

“I'd like to. But neither of us can afford to treat money lightly—no pun intended. Just consider the facts. You're a single working mother with huge medical debts. I have three kids, my husband makes his living dressed like Smokey the Bear, we live in a log cabin and I make quilts to keep the wolf from the door. Case closed.”

That wasn't quite the whole story, but Kate let it pass with a smile. “You forgot one thing.”

“What?”

“You love every minute of your life.”

Kate heard her sister's contented sigh. “Yeah, I do. But we'll never have money to spare. I'm always sorry we couldn't do more to help you, Kate.”

“You did the most important thing, Amy. You were there. You and Mom. That was worth more than gold.”

“Still, gold comes in handy sometimes. Speaking of which—how are you doing with the bills?”

“Okay. I pay off a little every month. I figure at this rate I'll be free and clear about the time I'm ready to retire.” She tried for a light tone, but didn't quite pull it off.

“You know, Kate, sometimes I think that… Well, I've never said this before, but…but since things turned out the way they did, it almost would have been better if—well—if Jack hadn't…” Amy's voice trailed off.

“I've thought about that, too,” Kate admitted slowly. “But at the time I was just grateful he survived the accident.” She paused and took a deep breath, determined not to dwell on what might have been. She needed Amy's advice about the future, not about the past. “Actually, in a roundabout way, that's one of the reasons I called today. You'll never believe this coincidence, but the
doctor who saved Eric's life at the accident scene is Sarah's new pediatrician.”

“No kidding? That's weird! Did he recognize you?”

“Uh-huh. Even before I recognized him. As a matter of fact, his mother is watching Sarah for me while I teach.”

“How in the world did you arrange that?”

“I didn't. He did.” Kate explained, ending with Eric's offer to take Sarah to church each Sunday.

“Wow! I doubt whether my pediatrician, nice as she is, would ever take such a personal interest in
my
kids,” Amy commented, clearly impressed.

“I've been really lucky,” Kate acknowledged. “But I do have a sort of…dilemma.”

“So tell me about it.”

In halting phrases, Kate told Amy about Eric's marital situation, their evening together and his second invitation.

“So I honestly don't know what to do,” she admitted at the end.

As usual, Amy honed right in on the key question. “Well, do you
want
to go?”

Kate frowned. “I—I think so. I like him, and we had a really good time. But when I'm with him I…I feel things I haven't felt in a long time. And then I feel guilty.”

“You have nothing to feel guilty about,” Amy declared firmly. “You're a healthy young woman who's been living in an emotional cave for way too long. Why shouldn't you go out and have a good time?”