One Night, So Pregnant! (2 page)

CHAPTER TWO

T
ESS
waited for her jerky breathing to even out as she gazed through the windshield of her ancient car at the kitsch Victorian splendour of her friend Eva’s house in Haight Ashbury.

Eva and her husband Nick had taken over the whole building six months ago, after the birth of their son Carmine—or Carmageddon as Nick had renamed him when he’d started teething—and the scaffolding had only gone down this week. But already it looked like the wonderfully eccentric family home Eva and Nick had been aiming for. The wide bay windows glinted in the late August sunshine and seemed to spotlight the light blue trim of the pergola on the top floor. A shameful sense of envy mixed with the misery making Tess’s stomach heave.

She flexed her fingers, forcing them to relinquish their death grip on the worn leather cover of the steering wheel and lifted the housewarming gift off the passenger seat. Tess held the package a little too tightly as she climbed out of the Chevy. She didn’t bother locking the car. After all, who would steal it?

Tess had spent all her wages in the last year putting together a designer wardrobe any professional events planner could be proud of, but right now looking the part was the least of her worries. She worked on a freelance basis and had some lucrative contracts already for next year, but nothing spectacular. And she’d been living beyond her means. Along with her designer wardrobe she had recently moved into a new duplex in Parnassus that she adored, but which cost over three thousand dollars a month. She’d known she was stretching her budget at the time, but who cared about a few extra credit-card bills when her career was coasting along nicely?

Her lungs clogged and her stomach churned all the harder. Well, now she cared.

She didn’t have any real job security; she had fairly basic healthcare coverage and overheads that would sink her into serious debt if she took a break from work.

She’d have to start hunting for extra work and to do that she would need to look into more reliable transportation—and sell some of her precious clothes online. But even with a better car, what chance did she really have of finding enough work in the middle of a recession to provide for a career break and then two mouths to feed?

She blinked furiously, her eyes stinging.

Don’t think about it. Not yet. You don’t have to decide right away.

She walked up the front steps and pressed the bell, but the lump of anguish got stuck in her throat as despair overwhelmed her. She’d once thought she would never feel more alone than she had at fifteen, but after her disastrous encounter with Nate Graystone this morning she’d discovered she was wrong.

Please be in, Eva.

She squared her shoulders and tucked the present under her arm to press the bell again.

Eva had to be in. She was the sweetest, most genuine person Tess had ever met. They’d been casual friends in uni, but since Eva had moved to San Francisco three years ago and married Nick Delisantro, they’d become much closer.

Eva wouldn’t judge her, she would sympathise and comfort and help her figure out what to do. Eva ran a successful internet-based genealogy company. Eva was smart and analytical and sensible. It was how she had ended up with such a perfect life. A drop-dead gorgeous husband who adored her and a beautiful little baby boy...

Tess’s rambling thoughts skidded to a stop. She didn’t think she could stand to see Carmine, not right now. She glanced at her watch. No, no, it would be fine, Carmy would be having his afternoon nap. Eva was a complete stickler about her son’s routine.

Tess pushed her shoulders back and let out a shaky sigh when she heard the thud of footsteps. The latch clicked, the door swung open and Tess’s gaze landed on baby Carmine’s moonlike face, his round cheeks flushed pink and the soft brown curls stuck down on one side of his head.

‘Tess! Hi. Oh, my goodness, we didn’t have a lunch date, did we? I must have forgotten.’

Tess heard her friend say the words. But all she could see was the perfect little person in Eva’s arms. And then Carmine grinned, held up his chubby little arms towards Tess, as he always did whenever he saw her, and let out a belly laugh.

And the black hole of guilt imploded inside her.

* * *

Tess placed the gift on the kitchen counter in a trance as Eva popped Carmine into his baby swing. Her friend wound a dial on the swing and a piped version of something vaguely reminiscent of ‘Lullaby Baby’ tinkled out.

‘Look at him!’ Eva exclaimed as the baby chortled and pumped his arms up and down like a sumo wrestler. ‘Wide awake again after a twenty-minute nap.’ She wagged a finger at him, which made him giggle. ‘Your father is going to have words with you, Buster.’

‘I came to drop this off. But I have to go...’ Tess paused, struggling to think of an excuse as the tears and the nausea welled up at the same time.

Get a grip. Please, get a grip. It’s a bundle of cells. Not a baby. It can’t be.

But she couldn’t seem to feel anything but numb as Eva frowned. ‘Tess, what’s the matter? You look shell-shocked.’

Tess dropped onto one of the stools at the kitchen counter, the urge to escape replaced by the desperate need for comfort. For understanding. For an answer that wasn’t the one she most feared.

‘I’m pregnant.’ Her hands trembled so she clutched them in her lap.

Eva sat on the stool next to her and settled her hand over both of Tess’s. ‘I’d say congratulations, but you don’t look much like celebrating. When did this happen?’

‘Six weeks ago. Exactly. The night Dan dumped me.’

‘I see. I guess that’s not the best timing,’ Eva said gently, the sympathy in her voice and the stupid sound of the piped lullaby making emotion close Tess’s throat. ‘Have you told Dan yet? About the baby?’

‘It’s not a baby,’ Tess said automatically, although she already knew that desperate deception had stopped working the minute she’d laid eyes on Carmine. ‘And it’s not Dan’s.’

‘Ah,’ Eva said, but refrained from asking the obvious next question.

‘The afternoon he dumped me, Julie got the flu and asked me to help host an event she’d been organising for Galloway. It was a great opportunity to make some new contacts, so I couldn’t really refuse...’

Stop rambling. Stop justifying. You did what you did. Eva won’t hate you.

‘I was stressed out and I guess still in a state of shock about Dan. And when I got invited to the after-party, this guy hit on me. In a big way. And I hit on him right back.’ She shut her eyes, picturing Nathaniel Graystone’s focused gaze, the melting look that had made her pulse skip, and cursed the shaft of heat that washed through her, even now. ‘He was sexy and gorgeous and so focused on me, I was stupidly flattered.’ She opened her eyes to find Eva staring at her in disbelief. ‘And after two solid hours of flirting and touching and tempting each other—we just sort of went off like firecrackers.’ She paused, gulped in air to push the last of the words out. ‘In a utility cupboard.’

‘I see,’ Eva said.

‘He used protection, but it was all so hot and mad and rushed and...’ She threw her hands up. ‘Basically, it must have failed. Somehow. Because I didn’t get my period and I took three pregnancy tests this morning and they were all positive.’ The frantic confession came to a babbled and humiliating halt.

‘Okay,’ Eva murmured. ‘But how can you be absolutely sure it isn’t Dan’s? Your protection may have failed with him.’

Tess cocked her head to one side. ‘Highly unlikely, seeing as the last time we made love was approximately three months ago.’

Eva’s lips twisted. ‘There’s a surprise.’

‘Sorry?’ Tess said, a little taken aback by the sharp tone. Eva had always liked Dan. Hadn’t she?

‘Well, you and Dan generated about as much sizzle as a wet flannel.’

Tess didn’t know what to say to the matter-of-fact statement. ‘Was it that obvious?’

Eva sent her a level look. ‘What on earth did you see in him anyway? He bored Nick and I to tears, but we figured he must be a wild man in the sack. Although apparently not.’

‘I thought we were well suited,’ she mumbled, realising how lame and ridiculous that sounded. What had she been thinking? Sticking with a guy for so long who did absolutely nothing for her, in bed, or out of it? Had she actually been that shallow? That obsessed with appearances? That desperate to have what she considered a suitable boyfriend? No wonder she’d gone off like a firecracker with Graystone without any encouragement at all. She’d been sex-starved and desperate.

‘Hmm.’ Eva gave a low hum, her eyebrow lifting in a sceptical frown. ‘But not all that well suited in one particular area.’

‘Not in any area really,’ Tess agreed, ashamed of herself. How could she have spent a whole year dating a guy who didn’t mean that much to her?

‘Enough about Dan.’ Eva leaned forward. ‘Tell me about Firecracker Guy? Who is he?’

Tess huffed. ‘He’s not Firecracker Guy. He’s Complete and Utter Disaster Guy. His name’s Nate Graystone. And I stupidly went to see him first thing this morning after taking the pregnancy tests, because I thought it was the logical next step...’ Tess paused, gulped down the swell of nausea, and finally admitted to herself that was a big fat lie. She hadn’t rearranged her appointments for today and hightailed it over to Graystone’s offices to tell him about the baby because she thought he needed to know.

When those little blue crosses had appeared, she hadn’t been thinking about logic or taking steps. She’d been in a state of shock, and so terrified all she’d really been thinking about was passing the buck—and making this pregnancy Graystone’s problem as well as her own.

Eva grasped her hands again. ‘Stop it, you’re doing the shell-shocked thing again. What did this Nate Graystone say? When you told him about the baby?’

The word baby echoed in Tess’s head, making her flinch.

‘It wasn’t what you’d call a roaring success.’ Tess lifted up shaking fingers and tried to sound flippant. ‘First he hit on me,’ she said, counting off the injuries she’d suffered that morning and praying for some fortifying anger to make the crippling feeling of inadequacy go away. ‘Then he said the bab...’ She paused. ‘He said it wasn’t his.’

If only she could have been mad at him, instead of simply terrified. The sudden realisation of how pathetic she’d been had the tears she’d been holding back flooding over her lids.

‘Oh, Tess.’ Without a pause, Eva placed an arm round her shoulders and gave her a hard hug. ‘Don’t cry. This is not that bad.’

‘How could it be any worse?’ Tess said, the choking sobs lodging in her throat. ‘I got dumped by the most boring man in the universe. I’m pregnant by a guy who I don’t know and who thinks I’m a liar. I don’t have a stable job. Or decent health insurance. I just moved into a flat that costs three thousand two hundred dollars a month.’ She took a deep breath and finally said the thing that she had feared the most. ‘All of which means I should have an abortion. But just the thought of it makes me feel...’ she gulped in air, the hideousness of her situation assailing her for the first time ‘...that I’ve failed. That I’m a stupid, terrible, selfish...’ The sobs finally burst out of her mouth, the warmth of Eva’s arms only making her feel like more of a fraud. She didn’t deserve Eva’s sympathy. She didn’t deserve anyone’s sympathy.

‘Shh.’

At long last the sobs eased off, and Eva shifted back. The dampness in her friend’s eyes almost set Tess off again, but she refused to give in to the pity party.

‘The first thing you need to ask yourself is do you want to have an abortion?’ Eva asked softly.

‘I don’t think so,’ Tess answered instinctively. The tears spilled over again. ‘I’ve been trying really hard to pretend it’s not a baby. Not yet. But the minute I knew, I felt...’ she paused, lifted tear-soaked eyes to her friend ‘...different somehow. Connected. But I’m not sure I have any other options,’ she said dully. The one thing she couldn’t be now was insane. She’d been insane enough already.

Eva glanced at her son, who was happily bouncing in his swing like a gymnast going for Olympic gold. And then looked back at her, the smile in her eyes oddly peaceful. ‘If you want the baby, you should have it. Everything else is just logistics.’

Tess looked up at Eva, her heart shattering. If only it were that simple. ‘I can’t have it.’ But even as she finally said the words, she knew that it wasn’t an It any more, however hard she’d tried to make it one. It was a baby. It was her baby. And the fear of what she would have to do rose up her throat and wrapped its claws round her neck.

‘Yes, you can, Tess,’ said Eva gently. ‘This is your panic talking. You need to stop and think. You’re going to have to change your life, but all we’re talking about here is practicalities. You’ve got seven months to sort your life out before it arrives. And don’t forget you happen to be a master at planning for special events.’

The seconds ticked by as Tess struggled not to hope. ‘That is true.’

Eva took her hands, squeezed tight. ‘You don’t have to make the decision right away. But it is an option. One you should consider properly.’

Tess took a shuddering breath and placed her palm on her stomach, the feeling of connection that she’d tried to deny all morning surging back full force. ‘I do want to have it.’ Just being able to admit the truth out loud made the nausea settle. ‘But it’s not just the practicalities, the lifestyle changes I’ll have to make.’ That had just been a convenient excuse really, she could see that now. ‘How do I know I’ll be any good at it? Being a mother, I mean?’

Eva sighed. ‘You don’t. No one does. Not until they’ve had kids. Everyone has to learn parenthood on the job.’ A smile lit up her features. ‘It’s exciting and terrifying and exhausting and never, ever easy, but that’s what makes it the grandest adventure of your life.’

‘B-but you’re so good at it. Look at Carmy,’ Tess stammered. ‘You’re a natural. I’m not sure I am.’ Her own mother had died so long ago she could barely remember her. And her father had hardly filled the gap.

‘That’s sweet, Tess, but you have no idea how many mistakes Nick and I have made with Carmine. Luckily for us, he’s surprisingly forgiving of all our faults. All you can really promise a child is that you’ll love them. And that you’ll do the best you can. You’ll figure out the rest. You’re not stupid.’ Her pure blue eyes brightened with enthusiasm. ‘And we’ll help. You have friends. A support network and there’s always the possibility the father will want to help when he’s got used to the—’