One Down: Bayou Heat (Pantera Security League Book 1) (6 page)

She glanced up. Into the face of the male before her. He was all sharp angles, and misery swimming in the dark depths of his eyes. He blamed himself. Still. And she could see that the guilt of failing his sister had clearly shaped his life, defining him in a way he probably didn’t even realize.

“Oh, Cerviel.” She impulsively leaned forward to place a kiss on the hard line of his jaw. “It wasn’t your fault.”

When she pulled back, his eyes met hers. “It doesn’t matter if it was or wasn’t,” he said, the threads of sadness in his voice tugging at her heart. “It feels like it’s my fault. Every minute of every day.”

“I’m sure your parents helped you—”

“They believed it, too.”

Shock flew through her. “No…”

“It’s all right. It’s done. It’s why I left, accepted our leader’s call and became…this.”

“This? What is
this
?”

He shook his head, and she thought she’d lost him. That maybe he was going to shut down, shut off and tell her he couldn’t tell her anything. But when he found her gaze again, his eyes betrayed not only a deep pain, but a desperate need to connect. If just for a moment.

“I’m essentially a ghost, Hallie. To everyone, my parents included. I don’t exist.”

Her brows knit together. “What do you mean?”

“To everyone, except a select few, I’m dead.” His jaw hardened. “That’s all I can tell you. Frankly, it’s more than I should be telling you.”

She gaped at him. He wasn’t serious. Why would he seek out something like that? A position like that? Even as she thought the question, she knew the answer. His sister was dead. It was only fitting that he was too, in the only way that worked.

Her heart squeezed with pain. It was universal, the language of loss.

“Trust me,” he said as the air inside the cave grew suddenly colder. “It’s better this way. Better for them.”

“You may believe that—”

“I
know
that.”

“Stop. Don’t say any more.” The words came out in a rush, and without thought or good sense, she leaned in and kissed him. One simple, gentle kiss, then another until he was silent, except the catch of his breath.

She had zero experience, just instinct. But she not only had to make him stop talking, she had to prove to him that he was very much alive. And wanted.

“Hallie,” he uttered on a low growl against her lips.

Believing that the animal-like sound was a call for more, she smiled and leaned in to kiss him again. But he pulled back and cursed viciously.

Heat surged into Hallie’s cheeks. Oh god… She wanted to melt into the floor. Embarrassment and shame spiraled through her and she sat back on her butt and groaned. “I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t be,” he insisted.

She stared at the rock and dirt floor, illuminated by the lantern. She couldn’t look at him. “I wasn’t thinking—”

“Hallie—”

“If you have a girlfriend, or god, a wife—”

She heard movement, then his hands were on her, warm, heavy palms on either side of her face. “Look at me.” His tone forced her chin up and her eyes to meet his. “Listen,” he said in a fierce voice. “I belong to no one. I have no mate. Your kiss”—his gaze dropped to her mouth and his nostrils flared—“was my heaven on earth. My mind is gone and my body is pulsing with a need I never even knew existed. But I don’t want to… Shit. After what you’ve been through…you deserve—”

Understanding finally dawned, and she cut him off quickly. “Hey. Wait a second. That’s my choice.”

He stared at her, wary, hungry.

“I decide what I deserve…
male
.” She punctuated the word. Wanting him to see her certainty, her strength, her resolve.

Dark eyebrows lifted over even darker eyes. “I’m just saying that perhaps you should focus for a moment on the past, knowing the truth and settling it, before you start on…” As he searched for the right words, those eyes flashed with a fire that was barely contained. “The future.”

She inhaled sharply as a soft hum vibrated around her heart.
Future
. Was he actually suggesting they might see each other after all of this? Would the ghost actually allow himself to be resurrected for her?

Stop.

“Listen to me, kitten,” he continued, staring deeply into her eyes. “The passing years have helped to ease the pain of losing Evie, but it still isn’t easy.” His gaze searched hers intently. “Just as facing your own past won’t be easy. But the truth—”

“Will set me free?” she finished for him, her brow lifting.

He gave her a halfhearted smile. “Something like that.”

She drew in a slow, shaky breath. Forget the future, planning for it or praying for it. Maybe he was right. Maybe she needed to know, deal with what had come before so she could see a clear path ahead. A real path. Hell, if Cerviel could endure the gnawing regret and guilt at the death of his sister, she could find the courage to rip aside the barriers and peer at what was behind them.

However disturbing it might turn out to be…

“You know how to do this?” she asked him. “Take me back?”

He nodded. “It’s not a perfect science, but I’ll do my best.”

“And you’ll stay with me?” she demanded.

“I’m not going anywhere, kitten,” he said, his words sounding like a pledge. Like something that went beyond the moment.

Something that spoke directly to her heart.

With a hiss she released the breath she’d been holding. “Okay. Let’s do it.”

His training had been lengthy and in-depth. As it should be. To extract truth or memories from the mind was no easy feat. In Cerviel’s experience, humans fell under the weight of regression therapy far more easily than Pantera. So he’d wondered how Hallie would respond as he’d guided her through the initial calming meditation. What part of her would take hold as the suggestions were offered—how much puma blood did she have within her?

Under the glow of the small lantern, Cerviel stared down at her, lying on her back on a bed of leaves. Eyes closed, face relaxed, she breathed easily. This beautiful female he’d guided into a deep trance. This female who trusted him. Who’d kissed him… Who had more Pantera within her than he’d guessed. It had taken almost an hour to bring her to the state she was in, and he needed to move quickly.

“With each exhale, Hallie,” he said in a slow, soothing voice, “I want you to release all the stress and tension that has built up inside you.”

Her lips parted and her inhalations grew deeper, while her exhalations were slow and weighty.

“That’s right. Every sound you hear, every breath you take sends you deeper within yourself.” He waited for a few seconds, watching her, assessing. “Very good, Hallie. Now, I want you to go back, back…follow the trail through the trees. And as you do, you’ll see each year ticking by. Stop when you’ve reached five.” He waited for several seconds, wanting to make sure he saw flickers of movement on her eyelids. “Good. Now, just observe what’s around you without emotion.”

For several moments she was quiet, still, then her lips began to tremble, and her hands clenched and unclenched.

“There’s nothing to fear,” Cerviel said softly, gently. “You’re just observing.” When he saw her fingers relax, he smiled. “Excellent. Tell me what you see, Hallie? Are you alone?”

“No. I’m with my father.” She sounded calm, even. “Out at our house on the lake in Minnesota. It’s our favorite place to be.” A smile touched her mouth. “It’s summer, and we just got back from fishing. Me and Dad. We want to show her, my mom, what we caught. She always pretends to be scared of the fish, but she’s not. She’s not afraid of anything…”

“Hallie?” Cerviel whispered when she fell silent.

With the light from the lantern illuminating her face, he could see tension on her brow, her breathing increasing and her legs trembling.

“Hall—” But he was cut off.

“The door to the lake house is open,” she whispered, pained. “I hear something… Oh, god, it’s…Mom!” Her voice broke. “She’s screaming. Dad and I…we drop everything, the fish, the tackle, everything and run inside—”

A cry escaped her lips and her face scrunched up in pain.

Shit.
He had to get her back.
Now.

“You’re observing, Hallie,” he reminded gently, moving in closer. “Listen to my voice. You’re not there. You’re here in the cave with me.”

“They want me!” she cried, deaf to him now. “Oh god! They’ve come for me.” Her eyes popped open, and they were huge and stunned as she stared at the ceiling of the cave. “It’s my blood. From the transfusion I had when I was ten. I have the blood they want!”

Cerviel touched her arm. This had gone too far. He was going to bring her out.

But before he could say or do anything, Hallie was on him. With a snarl of fury, she shoved him to the ground and leaped on top of him. Cerviel’s cat rushed to the edges of his skin, wanting to break free, but knowing it wasn’t welcome outside the Wildlands. Straddling him, her face contorted in pain and anguish, Hallie reached out for his throat. A scream broke from her as she squeezed, her nails digging into the skin of his neck.

Even though his airway was threatened, he didn’t touch her. Wouldn’t dare. Her eyes were still open, but unfocused.

“Take me back!” she screamed. “Take me home! What are you doing? What are you doing to me?”

“Hallie,” he whispered hoarsely. “Kitten, you’re all right. You’re safe.”

“I’m going to kill you,” she said through tightly gritted teeth, her fingers pressing deeper, harder into his flesh. “Just like you killed them.” Her voice broke and her eyes filled with tears. “Made me watch… They were all I had. They were my life.”

Fuck.
Stars glittered before his eyes, but he didn’t lay a hand on her. She was talking to whoever had abducted her. The bastards had murdered her family in front of her. No wonder she’d forgotten it all.

“Wake up, Hallie,” he urged, his voice nearly gone from the pressure of her fingers. “Sweetheart. Look at me. Shit! Hallie!”

Her hands suddenly froze on his neck. She blinked. Then she started panting.

“You’re here with me,” he rasped. “Look at me, female.”

Her eyes were darting right and left. She swallowed, blinked almost obsessively.

“Cerviel?” she hissed.

Her gaze dropped like a stone. To him. Her lips parted and she screamed.

“Oh my god, oh my god.”

She ripped her hands from his neck and covered her own mouth with them. She stared down at him, at his neck, then up into his eyes. Tears were streaming down her cheeks, and she just kept shaking her head. Over and over.

“I’m so sorry.” The words were muffled. “What have I done?”

“Hallie, it’s okay.”

“No! It’s not.” She scrambled off him and ran to the back of the cave. She wrapped her arms around her knees and sat there, rocking herself.

Shit. Goddess.
He’d been wrong to press her on this. Clearly she hadn’t been ready. What an asshole he was. Pushing her right after she’d come out of that hellhole.

He didn’t go to her. For long minutes, he just sat there, saying nothing. Listening to the breeze outside the cave and letting her breathe—letting her come to terms with what she had revealed. What he’d forced her to reveal.

About ten minutes in, she finally spoke. Her voice was weary, but resolute. “I’m so sorry, Cerviel.”

They weren’t the words he wanted to hear. And he wasn’t going to say it again, that she had nothing to be sorry for. She wouldn’t hear it anyway. He wanted to know if she was okay, if her heart hurt, if she hated him for pushing her into the regression. But he suspected she wouldn’t be truthful, vulnerable with him after what had happened.

So maybe he needed to be that for her.

“After Evie died,” he said slowly, softly, “I woke up every night screaming for her. I thought she was still alive and when I learned she wasn’t I tore my room apart. That went on for months. It always felt so real. It never gets perfect, Hallie, but I swear it gets better.”

She didn’t say anything.

“Did I fuck up, kitten?”

“No.”

He shrugged. “I know the truth can be ugly as hell, but at least it’s the truth, right?”

“I know. It’s just…”

“Tell me.”

“I didn’t get a chance to mourn them,” she whispered, tears in her voice. “Or miss them. Or say goodbye. I just—feel so…broken.”

Yeah, I know.
“Me too.”

She inhaled sharply. “What do I do?”

He left his spot near the edge of the cave and went over to where she sat, her back to him, in the shadows of the lantern light. “You take time. As much as you need. And you heal.”
I’ll help you. Shit, I want to help.

She turned around. “What if I don’t ever heal? What if I can’t forgive or forget? What if I can’t live a normal life after everything that’s happened?”

He stared at her, his heart thundering in his chest. Goddess, she was beautiful. All he wanted to do was take her pain away. He knew how she felt—well, some of it. Wanting to run, escape, anxious all the time… He reached out and brushed a tear-soaked strand of hair off her face, tucked it behind her ear. “Right now, all you have to do is breathe.”

“What?”

He nodded. “In and out. One minute at a time. One hour at a time. One day… Don’t worry about any of the rest of it.”

They were so close, too close, their faces inches from one another. Her hazel eyes were almost green from her tears as she stared at him. Goddess, it was in direct violation of the blood oath he’d taken when joining the PSL—assets were off-limits—but he truly didn’t give a shit. He wanted to taste her; her lips, her tongue, those tears. He wanted to hold her against him, stroke her hair and her back, take away her sadness and leave her with an everlasting smile.

And if it cost him his job, so be it.

As Raphael had said, sacrifices had to be made.

Maybe she felt it too, because as cold air rushed into the cave and swirled around them, she leaned in and brushed his lips with her own. Again.

“Hallie…” he ground out, his flesh tightening, his hands balling into fists.