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I paused for a moment. I could see a look in her eyes that felt familiar. It was a look I often gave her. The look that said it’s all been heard before only, she placed a “but” after it.

“
I know you heard me say it before mom. Maybe I’m just different than the people you read about on your laptop. Losing dad like that was awful, but I can’t dwell on it because I need to move on, we need to move on. I think about dad every day. When I close my eyes I can see him, but I still do what I need to do to keep moving forward. Most of the time I am surrounded by people, at work, school and with Christine and my friends. With all that is it so crazy to just want some time to myself?”

I didn’t even notice my voice raised and my breathing increased. I turned away from her upset. Why was she projecting her problems onto me? I could hear her get up from the bed and walk toward the door. I turned to see her standing in the doorway facing out. She looked back at me. The look on her face, it was almost like she failed in something she was trying to tell me.

“
No, there is nothing wrong with that, but there is also nothing wrong with asking for help. I want you to know I still turn to God because he gives me strength and helps me find answers. When I pray and give myself over to him, I feel a clarity that allows me to understand myself. I won’t stop worrying about you, Timothy. It’s what mothers do.”

She forced a smile on her face.

“
I will always make sure my favorite son is okay.”

Comedy is often a defensive mechanism. I’ve used it many times, when I used to care.

“
I’m fine mom, believe me.”

She wasn’t satisfied, but she decided to stop. I knew she would try again later.

She stepped into the hallway as I sat back down at my desk then spun around and called out to her.

“
Oh, and mom, I’m your only son, so of course, I’m your favorite.”

I returned a forced smile. She slowly closed her eyes as if what I said had hurt her, but that was impossible I said nothing hurtful. It felt as if her eyes were closed forever. When they finally opened she looks as if she was going to cry. I felt the urge to get up and comfort her when she turns and stepped out of sight.

I turned back to my monitor and just stared at the screen. Maybe I should have talked to her, not about my issues, but about hers.

“
She really doesn’t get it, does she?”

I had forgotten that Ashley was listening.

“
She complains that you spend too much time on your computer and right now she’s in her room talking to Aunt Jackie typing away on her laptop.”

I ignored her hoping she would go away. When she entered my room I wanted to turn around and ask her why she was listening in. She knew about the mirror as well and walked behind me pushing the back of my chair.

“
You don’t have to be a jerk. I’m not the one bothering you.”

That statement gave me a chuckle. I spun my chair around and looked at her.

“
Oh, you’re not?”

She looked more and more like mom every day. She even tied her hair just like mom did when she went off to school. There have been so many effects from dad’s death. Ashley’s youthful face and innocent smile had been lost.

“
What do you want Ashley? Why this interest in me all of a sudden. A few months ago you were in your own little world and now you want to spend your Friday nights with me?”

There was another look that I had seen more recently. Whenever I talked about the recent past or something that happened a few months ago, they would both look at me with shock and surprise. They had been getting better at hiding it, but I could still see it.

I tried my best to ignore it and did the same that night. Ashley sat down in the same spot mom was and looked up at me. Was she going to lecture me now?

“
I overheard your conversation with mom. You were right about me. After dad died I did keep everything bottled in.”

She stopped and looked toward the ground. This wasn’t about me. She had something on her mind that was bothering her.

“
What is it, Ashley?”

She looked up at me.

“
Life was hard enough before all of this. You may be lucky enough to be able to deal with it, but mom and I aren’t like you.”

I was right. They were projecting. They had trouble dealing with their own issues and so they put them on me. I crossed my arms in arrogance.

“
It’s not luck. Why would you not be able to deal, or adapt? What do we accomplish by thinking about it over and over? Nothing, all we do is focus on something we cannot change. We waste time searching for answers we will never find. When a tragedy happens people either adapt or they collapse. Some become advocates like that girl whose sister fell onto the elevated train tracks. She didn’t even die, but now she spends all her waking moments speaking out about rail safety. Tell me… really, what is she accomplishing?”

“
What if it isn’t about accomplishing anything? Maybe for her it is a way to make a tragic situation have some meaning. It’s possible she does it to help her deal with it, to help her heal.”

She didn’t understand. I couldn’t help but shake my head is disagreement.

“
That isn’t dealing with it and she isn’t healing. I wanted to go after the man who killed dad, but both you and mom convinced me to let it go. Even Aunt Jackie told me to let it go and she is always going on about some legal case she is working on. In the end though, all of you were right. I had to deal with the problem myself and work it out from within. You can’t look to others to solve your own problems even if they were directly involved.”

Ashley’s face grimaced when I mentioned the man who killed dad. It was no secret that the subject still bothered her, but I have seen her talk about dad’s death before. It seemed like she only looked that way when I specifically talked about it. Perhaps I was too blunt when talking to her about it. She was a teenager after all.

Ashley’s eyes went down to the floor. A visible wave of sadness washed over her face.

“
Sometimes even when you believe you have come to terms with something terrible that has happened to you… or something you’ve done.”

She paused to look up into my eyes.

“
When you’re all alone and the only voice you can hear is your own, you find out the truth about yourself.”

Her eyes told me that maybe she did understand. Ashley had withdrawn a bit herself. Like me she understood that sometimes to heal, you do need to be alone. She was just trying to get me to add on my thoughts to help her with hers.

“
That’s exactly right, Ashley.” I said turning back toward my monitor. “That’s what I need right now, to be alone.”

I didn’t mean to be so cold to her, but she needed to work through her own problems. The silence returned. I couldn’t tell if Ashley was still there until I felt the tips of her fingers brush against my shoulder before she turned and left the room.

The room was now silent again and it was a silence I wanted. That was until my mind started racing with all kinds of thoughts. Emotional baggage, that’s what all this was. You can love, grieve and then move on. That’s what anyone will tell you to do, but when you actually do it then there is something wrong. You are holding something back.

I couldn’t sit at the desk anymore. I pushed my chair away from me and slammed my bedroom door in frustration. I didn’t notice that I had left my patio door cracked open. I stepped onto the balcony; the cold breeze from the lake brought me some comfort.

This was the best time for me, standing out there listening to the wind, ignoring the irritating sounds of people scurrying below me. The night sky was so beautiful. I never wore my feelings like a coat, but that didn’t mean that I didn’t love my father. I felt the same way they did. I knew dad would understand me. Besides the night sky, looking across to the dark waters of Lake Michigan brought me peace. I wished I could be there.

Everything was ruined. I couldn’t even fully enjoy the tranquility of the night. I left the balcony closing the door behind me and crashed down onto my bed. The monitor flickered going into sleep mode, now only the moon casted it’s light into my room. They just couldn’t leave me alone. If only they could understand that there are far too many issues to deal with in the present, to continue dwelling on the past.

If only there was a way to let them know to let me be without causing them to worry about me even more. I didn’t want to think about it anymore, about anything. My eyes felt heavy. Sleep would give me some time to myself, but daylight was just around the corner.

Involuntary Solitude

It was the warmth from a ray of sunlight shining down onto my face that awoken me. Normally this would have upset me. I purchased thick black curtains against my mother’s wishes to draw together before I went to bed. That day however, I was well rested. Normally my nights were plagued with dreams that I had trouble remembering. Images of places and people I couldn’t fully recall. This didn’t happen that night. I didn’t dream about anything or I had fully forgotten the dream. Either way the outcome was satisfying. It was nice to open my eyes to peace and silence.

Wrapped in a feeling of calm I rolled over onto my stomach to check the time. Any serenity I had felt was ripped from me when I saw one thirty in bright red staring back at me.

“
Shit, I’m late!”

I jumped from my bed so quickly I staggered on my feet for a moment due to dizziness. There was no time for anything that I needed to do, but I couldn’t leave the house just after waking up. I stepped into the hallway and was pleased to find the bathroom empty. Every time I was ever in a hurry Ashley would be in there doing something that took forever to finish.

A cold shower would be the first of many punishments I would face for running late. I was to be there at one and by the time I reached downtown it would be well over two pm. I dressed quickly then rushed down the winding steps that overlooked our living room. There was no one around, but the scent of coffee and toast told me my mother was having breakfast in the kitchen. There was no time to see her. I opened the front door and as I stepped out, I poked my head back into the living room.

“
Mom, I’m running late to meet Christine. I’ll call you from the library later.”

One thing I never understood about high-rise apartments was the idea that we were all supposed to be a community. The association would always try to organize events and speak as if we were all friends and yet they designed the place like a hotel. This didn’t matter to me because I had no interest in meeting any of my neighbors, but all these long hallways looked the same. With the same maroon-colored Arabian style carpet against the cream-colored wood-trimmed walls.

My mind wandered to unimportant thoughts when stress crept in. The pressing matter was Christine and how she would react to my tardiness. One thing I did learn after several incidents was to call her when I was late. I was surprised when I pulled my phone from my right blue jean pocket to see that she had not called me. It didn’t matter. I needed to call her and the hope was that she would understand or at least be less upset.

I dialed Christine’s number while I pressed the call button for the elevator. I knew after our conversation last night and the matter of importance, she would think I wasn’t going to show. I love Christine, but sometimes love is more of a hassle than it’s worth. The call was picked up by her voicemail. She could have been ignoring me, which I could understand.

“
Christine, I overslept. I know it’s a weak excuse, but I’m on my way so don’t leave okay? Bye.”

The elevator doors opened. It almost surprised me. Normally it could take several minutes to get a car. People were always holding the elevator for someone or moving something. I returned my phone to my pocket and stepped inside. The elevator sped down to the lobby without a single stop. Again, I was surprised, but this time pleasantly.

Our lobby was recently remodeled. The president of the association went door to door talking about the imported Italian marble they installed on the floor. Everything about the lobby was redone to let all that visited know that the people in this building had reached a higher level of existence, it made me sick. I didn’t care to take notice of the changes they made, but today even though I was in a hurry, had to take notice.

The lobby was dead silent; it was never empty, especially on a Saturday afternoon. There were always people coming and going; it was like Union Station. The elevator doors began to close on me. Seeing the lobby empty should have made me happy, but it didn’t. My shoes echoed through the lobby as I made my way to the doorman’s station.

Nicolas was the only person in the building whom I could talk to. He was in his late thirties working his way through college. The man was extremely intelligent and actually taught me some things. The way the association and the tenants treated him disgusted me.

“
Nick!” I yelled. “Where is everybody? Hey!”

I leaned over the counter and could hear static coming from his portable radio, but he was nowhere to be found. I assumed he was helping someone bring in a package or something. The snobs here only looked at him as a doorman and nothing else.