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Every ounce of strength was sucked out of my body by his words. I did not want to believe it, but my mind was already analyzing what the doctor told me making sense of it. Having my mother and sister worry over me it never made much sense it was almost as if they knew something was wrong with me and was just waiting for it to manifest itself, but even though what Doctor Leafs said was becoming more believable to me there was something missing.

“
That’s not possible. How could I have been here for a year? I… I remember things. Before all this, I remember the day of the accident. The hospital, the funeral; Yesterday... I woke up. Everyone was gone. It was... it was real.”

It was not just remembering. Everything that had happened since my father’s death, it was not possible it was a delusion. Doctor Leafs placed his hand on my shoulder and looked directly at me. Looking into his eyes I saw the compassion that I had thought was not there. Also, there was something else about him, like a faded memory.

“
Hallucinations often feel very real, Timothy. We knew that your treatment had risks. There was always the possibility of a relapse or worse.”

“
My treatment… then everything that I remember from the last year….everything I saw yesterday…it was all a hallucination?”

Knowledge more than experience has shaped my outlook and opinions on things. I read about the affects a traumatic event can have on the mind. While I believed that my ability to reason, to adapt and to deal with all the different situations I have been part of would prevent me from ever having to worry about that happening to me, there was always doubt.

“
It isn't clear. It would be one thing if the fall caused you to forget what happened last night, but to cause you to forget the last year...”

His face told me that even he did not know what could cause such an event. My father’s death at the hands of a drunk driver, I can accept that it could have done something to me, to my mind. What I had to ask was what event could have led to that other world I was in and a total replacement of all my memories of the last year.

“
What happened last night?” I asked.

“
I believe it started the morning before. You were moved to a less secure room a few weeks ago pending your release. You showed no violent activity and were no longer a danger to yourself so you were allowed more freedom.

Yesterday morning Ashley visited you alone. I thought it was strange because she had never done that before. She brought with her a yellow folder and seamed upset and unwilling to talk to the nurses. Because of your progress there was no reason to keep your sister from visiting you.

She was only in there ten minutes when she stormed out crying. One of the nurses went to check on you and found you sitting calmly on your bed looking over some papers. When the nurse asked if everything was okay you told her that the man who had killed your father was released on a technicality.

You told them that your sister was extremely upset, but that you had already forgiven the man for what he did. They assumed that your sister was not pleased with your reaction to this news. When they notified me I made a note to come check on you before you went to bed just to be sure.

I never was able to come see you. You left your room in the middle of the night and were found roaming the halls. You were screaming out for your family and Christine. When we approached you, you ran, falling down the stairs.

We still need to discuss what happened. Obviously the news did affect you much more than you let on, but why it would retrigger your hallucinations I am not sure. Again, there are tests to be run to make sure there is no hidden physical damage. Once that is done we can return to dealing with the physiological.”

It was all coming together. Sitting up in that hospital bed I tried my hardest to think back over the last year. The news of the accident, the hospital, the funeral and then everything after that was a blur except for two repeated themes.

Aunt Jackie agreed to watch over the case of the man who killed my father. My mother and sister did not want anything to do with it, not even to hear what became of him. I personally understood that, but I wanted to be there when he was sentenced it was not about emotion it was about justice.

My family’s concern began with keeping me from following the case. Even Aunt Jackie kept me away. It was easy enough to keep track of it on my own, but for some reason in that moment I did not. I accepted my family’s advice to let it go. Strangely, there was part of me that admired them for not having their lives consumed by following the man.

I told them that the man did not matter and I did not even want to know his name. That should have been enough, if they and I had been able to move past him, then that part was over. Then why did the remainder of my memories deal with my family’s continued concern over my well-being?

While it was true that since my father’s death things had different was it not expected that things would be that way? My life was complicated long before and my beliefs were already established. Was I really that different? In the end all that analyzing did not matter. Those memories were false, that life a lie.

“
I was searching for my family and for Christine. But...I never had any problems like this before. I've always been able to deal with any problem and adapt to it. I remember a few months ago my sister found me unconscious on the bathroom floor. They told me I slipped and fell coming out of the shower, but something just didn't feel right. I put it out of my mind, but now that you've told me that all those memories are false... How is it possible for me to have a break down so severe that it would cause me to have these delusions?”

The more I talked about it out in the open the more I remembered from the last year, but I was still confused, unsure of what was real and what was not.

“
We all would like to believe that we can deal with any situation. Men especially have a problem admitting to having emotional and mental problems. Often we feel that showing emotion shows weakness and we are even expected to keep everything bottled inside. Beyond that, people in general have a tendency to lie to themselves. They convince themselves they are okay when that is the farthest from the truth.”

When you are all alone and the only voice you hear is your own, you find out the truth about yourself. Whether Ashley’s words were from a real memory or not they rang through more than ever at that moment. Regardless of everything else we were back to the number one issue, what we all are searching for.

“
The truth…Doctor Leafs, with all these false memories mixed in with the real ones how do I know what the truth is?”

“
In many cases, Timothy, people who suffer from delusions and hallucinations recall real events. However, they remember them differently than it actually happened. Your family and Christine visited you many times and it's possible you took those real events that occurred here and modified them. An example, you had a picnic on the grounds with Christine a few weeks ago. That was a real event, but you would believe that event happened differently and in another location.”

He was right. I remembered having a picnic with Christine in Lincoln Park near the duck pond. She wanted to go to the zoo, but I did not even want to be outdoors. She just sat there looking at me. Her eyes were saying that she had lost me. I caused her so much pain. It is no wonder that my mind would create a situation where she was going to leave me.

“
So...what happens now, Doctor?”

“
If you're ready we continue the treatment. We made progress in the past and with a few refinements I believe we can cure you permanently. The key is that you are ready to accept the treatment and believe in the world you are in now.”

I was told that I have a great mind, a mind that can think things through in many different ways simultaneously. It was the reason I was a gifted student and top of my class. I was also told that when a part of you is too strong the rest of you could become weak. I believed that meant the body so I kept physically fit, but now I know what they really meant.

The flowers Christine brought me smelled so sweet. If the choice was between a world burning down around me and me being trapped alone in it or admitting that my emotions lead to a mental breakdown then there was no choice.

“
I don't want to live like this, in here. I thought that I could... I was wrong. I want to get better. I'll do whatever it takes if you can help me.”

“
You are helping yourself, Timothy. By accepting the truth and asking for help you are already on your way to recovery.”

He squeezed my arm and smiled. It comforted me. Dr. Leafs took the chart from the nightstand; he stood and walked toward the door then stopped and turned around.

“
Christine arrived an hour before you woke up. She has been waiting to see you. I'm sorry I kept this from you until now, but I needed to know your mental as well as physical condition. I need to speak to Doctor Stormed and there will need to be some tests before we restart your treatment. For now just rest and I'll check back in on you later.”

He left and it felt as if he took many of my burdens with him. I did not care that he had kept Christine from me, to know that she was there and that she had stuck with me was all that mattered. I felt a happiness I had not known in a long time. I was prepared to rethink everything, change who I was and who I wanted to be.

I heard the door handle turn; my heart began to race and for the first time that I could remember it felt wonderful. Any remaining doubt and uneasiness was burned away when Christine entered the room. I squeezed my hands together quickly closing then opening my eyes.

Seeing me a look of relief and joy came over her face. Christine smiled; she rushed over to me tears rolling down her face. Her smell was sweeter than the flowers. She wrapped her arms around me and held me tightly. It was warm, soft, and real.

“
They wouldn't tell me much. I didn't know what happened to you. I was so worried.”

I did not want to let her go. To hold her there forever would have been fine. They say you do not appreciate what you have until it is gone. I lived that. Fortunately, it was in my mind and I was given another chance, a chance to be who I should have been.

“
I love you so much, Christine. I'm sorry…for everything.”

She pulled away taking the warmth with her. Her eyes searched mine looking for the man she loved. She opened her mouth to speak; I pulled her back into my arms and pressed my lips against hers. I had seen, smelled, touched and now tasted. Everything was as it should have been.

“
I love you, Timothy. If nothing else please know that.”

She held me tighter and took in a deep breath.

“
Timothy, you said ‘I’m sorry’. Sorry for what?”

This time it was I who let go. I felt shame for how I had been. Though I did not remember specifically what I had done, I knew I did not show her the love she had shown me. I hung my head. I did not want to look in her eyes. I did not believe I deserved to.

“
I've put everyone through so much. I didn't mean to cause you so much pain, not over me.”

She grabbed hold of my chin lifting my eye level to hers.

“
You have nothing to be sorry for Timothy. There have been times I felt I wouldn't make it. Everyone feels pain that's why we have loved ones to help take it away. That's why we are all here for you and we always will be.”

I could tell she did not know the extent of what had happened to me. Part of me wanted not to tell her, but that would be something I would have done in the past.

“
I thought I lost you...lost everyone.” I began.

As soon as I spoke those words, her smile disappeared. She cupped my face in her hands, the concern on her face was apparent. I felt horrible for taking her smile away.

“
It happened again...you being all alone?”

All of this because of me, because of the way I chose to handle certain things. The pain I brought to others because of my unwillingness to accept it myself. I did not even remember truly crying when my father died, but at that moment I felt it. My emotions were at the brink, about to overflow. Then Christine’s smile returned as she brushed her hand down my face.

“
I'm here and your mom and Ashley are on the way. We're not going away Timothy. Never forget that.”

She pardoned me for any crimes I committed against her, but the jury in my mind was still out. I stood from the bed, my feet coming to rest against the cold floor.

“
I was so stupid.” I whispered.

I felt Christine’s finger glance across my back as I stood up from the bed. Her gasp called me back to her, but I needed to stand, to think. I walked over to the window and stuck my face in a ray of sunshine. I looked out over the courtyard and fully understood what my train of thinking had brought me.

“
I just wanted to look outside. I needed to see that there were people out there. I know this is real and where I should be Christine. I would have never made it in that other world. Not without my family, my friends, not without you. This time I will get better, with you by my side I can…”

She was gone; in an instant she was gone. I had only looked away for a moment and in that moment my nightmare had returned. My eyes searched the room a hundred times in a second. Terror was already wrapping itself around me, strangling me.