Once Upon Another Time (37 page)

They both turned
to look at me.  Even from across the deck, I could feel Gavin’s love for me. 
As I basked in his admiration, I felt surely, nothing could ever break us
apart.   

In the attempt to
vanish David from her life, Laura had trashed every skimpy nightie and lingerie
item associated with him.  This landed us at the mall on a Sunday afternoon so
she could restock.  While she shopped inside a lingerie store with a fancy
French name, I sat in a small sitting area at the front of the store.  The brocade
covered Louis XV replica sofa, end tables, toile vases, and luminously buffed
maple hardwood floors, made it seem as if I were sitting in someone’s posh
living room.

As I savored the
last morsel of Godiva chocolate and sipped a complementary glass of champagne,
I vowed to have a talk with Gavin about the whole spirit world dilemma.  The
thought of keeping secrets from him was grinding at me.  Complicated was an
understatement.  How in the world would I explain that part of him could very
well be Matt?  Would he believe my theory that something extraordinary had
happened to him while in the hospital years ago?  Or would he think I was a
loon?

The fact that he
was a believer in the Laws of Physics that state that souls can’t be destroyed,
but that they can be transformed from one state to another seemed to be a good
segue into opening up the discussion of how Matt’s spirit could have leapt into
his body.  Even to me, the thought sounded ludicrous.  However, Gavin did say that,
if the Law of Physics is correct, our souls are eternal, and therefore, they
still exist after death.  I made up my mind I’d tell Gavin that evening.

Twisting the band
on my watch to see the face, it crossed my mind that if Laura lingered in the
expensive lingerie shop much longer, she’d have to work on a plan to subsidize
her living expenses.  The shop had the atmosphere of an art gallery where
saleswomen didn’t speak above a whisper.  Delicate camisoles, garter belts, and
bras hung artfully on walls, lit like museum quality paintings.  Nothing had
price tags so I pulled a clerk to the side and inquired about the price on a
lemony camisole that caught my eye.  By the expression on the woman’s face, you
would have thought I had asked her to go outside and lick a wad of gum off the
sidewalk.

“Psst! Aubrey.”

“Finally,” I said,
as Laura emerged from around the corner carrying two black tote bags, with
Peu
de fleur
in silver lettering scripted across the front.

“Get me out of
here quick, before I’m forced to ask my father to give me a loan against my
trust fund,” she whispered.

As soon as we passed
through the doors of the little French shop and into the mall, it was as if
we’d entered a bakery.  “The aroma of cinnamon buns is simply irresistible,” I
said, as I attempted to make a beeline for the food court. 

 “Hey, where do
you think you’re going?” asked Laura.  She raised an eyebrow.  “I thought you
were on a diet.”

“I know, but just
imagine savoring the plump sweet dough of cinnamon buns filled with a gooey
mixture of cinnamon sugar and pecans, butter cream frosting melting on their
golden tops.  Yum.”

“Aubrey,” she said
with a frozen expression on her face.

“Stop looking so
serious,” I said.  “I had a moment of weakness.  It’s over.  Come on, let’s
go.”

I stomped off in a
huff, when I noticed Laura wasn’t walking beside me.  Stopping to turn around,
I saw her peering into the display window of the jewelry store.  I marched back
to where she stood.  “You have some nerve talking to me about cinnamon buns,” I
said while planting a hand firmly on my hip.  “You clearly told me you had an
addiction to spending way too much money on jewelry, and here you are, checking
out your next expenditure.” 

“What?”  She
turned toward me with a quizzical stare, her eyes unblinking. 

“Why are you
staring at me like that?”

“Um, well…”

She said nothing
more and hesitantly turned to look back into the jewelry store.

I followed her gaze
and peered through the display window filled with an assortment of diamond
rings, ruby necklaces, and cascading pearls, when all at once the earth seemed
to shift off its axis and tumble over. 

“I cannot believe
this!”  Laura said fiercely.  “Is there something in the water?  Have men
around the world gone insane?  And doesn’t that bitch know wearing white after
Labor Day is gauche?”

Vanessa stood at
the counter.  Her tight hip-hugging white slacks accentuated her heart-shaped
ass, while a sleeveless pink knit top rode above her midriff to show off a tiny
waist.  Pink manicured toes peeked out from strappy, four-inch sandals as she
laughed excitedly, while holding a diamond engagement ring up to the light to
watch it sparkle.  Gavin stood beside her.

  My heart slammed
into my chest, my breath caught in my throat.  I had three options.  Storm into
the jewelry store and demand to know what was going on.  Call Mother Paula for
guidance on what to do next.  Run out of the mall and not let Gavin see me. 

In that split
second, I was too afraid to know the truth.  Too afraid to hear him tell me
that he’d enjoyed being with me, but that I was just a
frigging
distraction,
a test to see if he was truly in love with Vanessa.  Therefore, I chose option
three, and fled.

Running like a
deer in the forest who’d just heard the rustle of fall leaves, I bolted down
the mall corridors while dodging shoppers, kiosk displays, strollers, and
groups of teenagers.  People pulled to both sides of the escalator as I bounded
down the moving steps with Laura chasing after me while calling my name.  My
lungs burned as I raced straight ahead toward the wall of doors that led
outside to the parking lot.  Like a combat jet at full throttle, my body
practically slammed into the cold bar that opened the door as I ran out into
the muggy outside air.  My eyes stung with tears, while the sky overhead was
like a dark gray slate of gloomy clay. 

“Aubrey, stop!” 
Laura pulled me back as I stepped off the curb, and narrowly missed running
into the path of a passing car.

“Just settle
down,” she said earnestly.  “Maybe we jumped the gun on this, because I have to
believe there is some perfectly sane explanation for what we saw.”

A loud clap of
thunder boomed and the skies rumbled.  I couldn’t breathe in the moist, musky
air.  “No,” I said numbly, as I shook my head.  “What we saw was Vanessa
picking out an engagement ring.  There’s no other explanation.  Mother Paula
was right.”  My body wrenched as I sobbed.  I felt sick to my stomach.

“You can’t let it
end like this.  You have to go back in and talk to him.”

“No.  Gavin’s
obviously changed his mind about me.  He lied about working overtime at the
office today, and I knew there was a reason he never said those all important
three words of
I love you.
”

A light drizzle
began, as strobe light flashes cut across the darkened sky as we walked through
the parking lot, when a second crash of thunder rumbled around us.  Feeling
faint, I needed a place to sit.  I considered the asphalt, but made it over to
the boulevard in the middle of the parking lot and sat down on the curb.  Laura
sat down next to me and looped her arm around my shoulder. 

“Are you feeling
okay?  Dizzy maybe?”

“I don’t know.  I
just need a minute.” 

Chilled by the
drizzling rain and sudden cool breeze, my body shivered.  As I lowered my head
to keep from passing out, tears spilled from my eyes and disappeared into the
black asphalt.  

“Gavin wasn’t all
that great anyway,” Laura proclaimed, loyally.

“Yes he was,” I
said.  “He loved to go shopping with me, and he was sensual and caring, and
listened and took note of everything I’d say.  Dammit!  He was like the holy
grail of metrosexuals and somehow I managed to lose him.”

Laura pulled a
mountainous pile of clean tissues from her purse.  “Here, I don’t need these
anymore.  I overestimated the amount of tears I’d shed for David.”   

“I don’t need them
either,” I said, as I let my tears mix with the drizzle.  A yellow glow from
the arced overhead parking lamps cast a glistening sheen over the black asphalt.
“Years ago, my dream was to find a man that was multidimensional,” I said while
gazing drearily at the long row of glistening car bumpers.  “Someone who shared
my views of the world, someone handsome and intelligent, someone who had a high
sperm count and loved children and I found Matt.  All I want now is someone
with a good heart and a generous spirit, someone who knows how to turn on the
washing machine and likes to cook.  I thought I’d found that man in Gavin.  But
considering the fact that all my relationships have the shelf life of produce I
should have known better.”

“Stop beating up
on yourself.  The important thing is that you’re a strong, independent woman
and we’re going to get through this...together.” 

“I thought my bond
with Gavin was strong.  I thought he was in love with me.  Sure, he never said
the words, but I thought I’d read it in his actions and heard it in all the
wonderful things he’d say to me.  How could I have been so wrong?”

Laura pushed a wet
tendril of hair off her face and tucked the two tote bags under her loose
bohemian blouse to keep them dry from the drizzle.  “Okay, I don’t want you to
get your hopes up, but maybe you’re not wrong,” Laura waffled.  “Like I said
before, there might be some reasonable explanation for why they were looking
at, um...engagement rings.”

“You’d have a
better chance convincing me a rabbi should be the next pope,” I said
sarcastically.

Laura’s hand found
mine.  “I know I’m not much of a consolation prize, but you still have me.  We
have each other, and I have to believe that someday we’ll each find that one
guy who’s perfect for us.  Right?”  Laura asked imploringly, as tears of
sympathy welled in her eyes.

I wanted to
reassure her that everything
was
going to be all right, and that we’d
one day marry the men of our dreams.  I wanted to tell her we’d both find the
epitome of happiness and love and that everything would work out fine, and that
we’d never be alone again.  However, as I looked into her eyes, all that came
to mind was that I wasn’t sure any of it would ever happen for either of us.

“Sure we will,” I
said, as I stood and pulled Laura to her feet.  “Come on, let’s go home.” 

Lightning flashed
across the dark sky, clouds let loose, and heavy pellets of rain poured down. 
Puddles of dingy water splashed up under our feet as we dashed across the
parking lot to Laura’s car, while sheets of rain cleansed the tears from my
face.

* * * *

It was well past
midnight, as I sat in the darkness of my living room and gobbled spoonfuls of
Ben and Jerry’s Chunky Monkey.  For hours, I had dissected every aspect of my
relationship with Gavin--in excruciating detail.

Did he throw me
over for Vanessa because I’d break out in a rash whenever he watched the ESPN
channel, or because I’d written letters to my dead husband?  Maybe it was
because I wasn’t as pretty or as sexy or had a great body like Vanessa, or maybe
he preferred women who lack depth, intelligence, and personality and spoke in
an annoying breathless kind of way.

Anticipating he’d
call to check in with me that evening, I knew I wouldn’t be able to keep it
together.  So as soon as I’d arrived home from the mall, I left a message on
his home recorder telling him Laura had a relapse of sorts or some dumb lie
that I couldn’t even remember the details of ten minutes after I’d said it.  Another
fat lie was telling him I’d call him in the morning. 

Confronting him
about his secret little life and listening to deceitful explanations for why he
wasn’t at work would have been too gut wrenching.  Mostly, I didn’t want to
hear him say goodbye.  I needed time to get things straight in my head. 
Knowing I’d be a mess at work the next morning and that I’d never be able to
avoid seeing him, I planned on calling in sick.  Returning to work on Tuesday
would work out much better, as Gavin had scheduled a flight out of town to bid
on a huge construction project and he wouldn’t return until Thursday.  Like any
good lawyer, this gave me time to prepare my brief.

As I dug into the
carton of melting banana ice cream chocked full with chunks of chocolate and
walnuts, I tried to focus on how happy Gavin and I were.  However, none of it
could wipe away the image I had of Vanessa.  Her sleek naked body sprawled on
his bed, her lustrous auburn hair cascading over his pillow and Gavin looking
down at her with the look of rapture on his face.

Afternoon sunshine
streamed in through the open patio doors, whitewashing the top of the cherry
wood kitchen table. A salty breeze blew in, carrying with it the gentle
whooshing of waves breaking over white sands and raucous squawking of seagulls.

The atmosphere
seemed too bright, too cheery, as I sat at the kitchen table in my breakfast
room systematically plucking the raisins from a loaf of cinnamon swirl bread. 
I wanted the day to be dark, bleak, dreary, and rainy to fit my defeated mood. 
I wanted to plug into my iPod and torment myself with old songs like “The First
Time I Ever Saw Your Face” and “How Am I Supposed to Live Without You.” 

Popping the extracted
raisins into my mouth, my reflection stared back at me from the small flat
screen TV on the kitchen countertop. 
At least do something constructive
today
it seemed to say.  My fingers stuck to the remote control as I
pressed the “on” button.  I licked the sugary cinnamon from my fingers and swiped
the remote across the sleeve of my cotton robe to clean it off.  Thankfully, I had
managed to make Nicholas breakfast and get him on the school bus that morning,
which had seemed to be an ambitious feat.