Once Upon A Time (Historical Romance) (21 page)

23

Jilliana had been on Falcon Bruine for three days. In that time she had seen little of Ruyen. Most often he was away from the castle, and he rarely had his meals with the family.

Tonight he had dined with them, but Jilliana had excused herself directly afterward and gone to her chamber. She'd had no wish to be drawn into one of the family's sinister conversations. Also, she had not wanted to give Ruyen another opportunity to slight her before the others.

She tossed and turned on the lumpy bed, unable to sleep. Finally, with a heavy sigh, she slipped out of bed and moved across the room to stand at the window. Throwing wide the shutters, she allowed a cool breeze to fan her face.

A full moon hung in the sky like a huge ball, illuminating the countryside and allowing her to see all the way to the ocean. The island was lovely in the silvery moonlight, but in the light of day, there were flaws. And there was something evil here too; she could feel it in the very depths of her soul.

She was startled when she heard someone knock on her door. She thought it might be Netta returning, so she invited her in. However, the silhouette was a man's and she knew it would be Ruyen.

"You are not in bed," he said, stating the obvious.

"I could not sleep."

When he moved closer to Jilliana, her whole body seemed to be washed in moonbeams. He looked at the pert little nose that Katharine had criticized—it was perfect, like the rest of her.

"You left rather soon after dining, Jilliana."

"I was weary."

"Weary of the company?" His tone was biting. "Does the queen tire so easily of us island folk?"

She blinked at his stinging words. "I tire of pretense, rudeness, and unkindness."

He was standing closer to her now and she could feel his breath on her cheek.

"The other night I observed that you were entertained by James. You appeared to be engrossed in every word he spoke to you," Ruyen said accusingly.

She felt a sudden rush of elation—Ruyen was jealous! She felt no need to tell him that their major topic of conversation had been irrigation.

"It is true that I found Sir James to be pleasant company. He has many sides to him. He can be witty and amusing, but he has his serious side as well. Do you not think so?"

"James does not often cross my mind. I have never liked him overmuch."

"Pity, he speaks highly of you." Now she raised her eyes to his. "Why have you been avoiding me, Ruyen?"

He looked surprised. "Is that what you think I have been doing?"

"It appears so to me. I am sure everyone else thinks so as well."

"That was never my intention. I do not know if I can make you understand what is happening on Falcon Bruine. There is much that requires my attention. Do you believe me, Jilliana?"

"Of course. You have always been forthright with me. I have known from the beginning that you love Lady Katharine. Although I found it somewhat humiliating to watch the two of you together, I was not unsympathetic to her plight."

"I was not speaking of myself or Lady Katharine, Jilliana. Much trouble has come to the island in my absence. I can say no more, but I do have a duty to the people who live here and I am attempting to—" He paused as if he had said too much. "But I will not bore you with such talk."

She turned her back to him. "Was there something in particular that you wanted to say to me?"

He wanted to slide his hands around her waist, pull her against his aching body, to bury his face in her sweet-smelling hair, so that her sweetness might drive away some of his devils.

"I know it hasn't been pleasant for you here. Would that I could have saved you from this."

She turned back to him. "Ruyen, Falcon Bruine is not what I expected. I have never seen such miserable conditions as I saw in the village."

He drew a long breath. "Do you think I tasted one morsel of food that first night or any time since? I have done what little I can to ease the hunger, but my people need more than food."

"Then they must be helped."

"Has it escaped your notice that I have no power here? Henry stripped me of everything. What 1 do must be done in secret. But I will not discuss this with you, for fear of placing you in danger."

She realized then why he had been so often absent. He was preparing to confront his mother. Why had she not guessed this before?

"Do not fear for me. Just do what you can for your subjects." She placed her hand on his arm. "Allow me to help you. Humphrey can leave tomorrow for Talshamar and return with enough food to see them through the winter."

Ruyen stared into her upturned face. "You would do this for me?"

"I would do this for anyone in need, Ruyen."

He lightly touched her face. "The world has not seen your like, Jilliana. I know of no ruler with your compassion. There are those who would destroy your sweetness and crush your spirit."

"Do you speak of yourself?"

He gently touched her lips. "Perhaps I am the greatest danger to you of them all."

She blinked her eyes. "Do not think because I was raised in a convent that I am weak, Ruyen. I have strength and I know how to use it."

He felt sorrow tug at his heart. "Beware, Jilliana. Your goodness may not be enough to battle the evil that is building about you. If it were in my power, I would send you away now."

"Will you allow me to help your people?"

"I thank you for your offer, but no." There was an edge to his voice. "What happens on Falcon Bruine is my responsibility. If they are to be helped it will come from me."

"Ruyen, it is not weakness to accept help from someone who gives it willingly. Should you change your mind—"

"I won't."

They were suddenly staring into each other's eyes, both remembering the times their bodies had blended. Her lips parted as he bent his head and pressed his mouth to hers.

The passion that they had tried to hide for so long ripped through both of them, fusing them together.

In a frenzy, they undressed and he lifted her in his arms and carried her to the bed.

They joined in a heat of passion, their lips hungrily touching. His hands were stroking, caressing as he became reacquainted with each soft curve.

"I have wanted this," he said, raising his head and looking softly into her eyes. "I tried to stay away from you, but I could not."

Her hand moved over his muscled shoulders. It was enough to know that he desired her. "I am glad you came," she admitted.

"When I am near you, I can only think of taking you to bed. I first took you by order of a king, but I now take you because I need you as surely as the air I breathe."

Their lovemaking was frantic, as if each feared it would be the last time they would be together. Jilliana yielded to his every need, and he took time to satisfy her as he had never done before.

Afterward, he held her tightly against him, drawing on her strength for the days ahead, the days when he must walk the path of life or death alone. If only he could get her safely away from here before the final confrontation with his mother.

"Ruyen?"

He kissed her fingers. "Yes."

"I am confused."

He shook with laughter. "I never thought to hear such a confession from your lips."

"Do not laugh at me."

He pretended seriousness. "Tell me what is troubling you, Jilliana."

"How can it be that love and mating are two sides of the same coin, yet not the same?"

He ran his hand along her thigh, lightly caressing her until she trembled with delight. "That is desire. You want me, I want you. A man can feel desire and yet it does not always touch his heart."

"I see. You desire me—you love Katharine."

He pulled back, feeling suddenly disturbed. Again, he tried to remember what color Katharine's eyes were, but he could not. He stared into bewildered blue eyes and pulled Jilliana back to him.

"I only know that I desire you more than I have ever desired a woman," he said, trying to be as honest as he could. "Let that be enough for now."

He kissed her, and she clung to him. She could not put a name to what she felt for him, but she knew it went deeper than mere desire. She worried about his safety, she grieved for the unrest among his people, and she feared what might happen. Could passion be this strong? If so, then love must be more painful than anyone could endure.

Jilliana was now certain that she was with child because she had missed her monthly bleeding. Soon she would tell Ruyen about the baby, but not now. Why did she hesitate? Because when she told him about the baby, she would sail for Talshamar.

She pressed her lips to his, knowing that she could not bear the thought of leaving him. Call it desire, or call it love, she needed him.

Suddenly she was reminded of her duty to her own subjects. She must not think only of herself. She must tell him now, even though it would set him free to go to Katharine.

She got out of bed and moved to the window, while his eyes followed her. She feared to look at him lest she change her mind.

"I have decided that I will be leaving in two days' time. I would leave sooner, but it will take that long for Humphrey to make the arrangements."

Ruyen came quickly to her, turning her face into the moonlight so he could read her expression.

"Why do you say this now?"

She tried to speak, but a lump had formed in her throat. His eyes were searching, probing, and she dropped hers before the intensity of his gaze.

"I am with child. There is no reason for me to remain longer."

She heard his sharp intake of breath. "So, you take my child and walk away."

She felt stinging tears form behind her eyes; she must not allow him to see her cry. "It is what we agreed I would do. I gave you my word, and I will keep it. Will you keep yours?"

He felt dazed, as if someone had struck him hard in the stomach. "Yes," he managed to grind out, "I will keep my word."

She touched his arm. "Ruyen, I have tried to tell you something before, but you have never listened to me. Even now, I am reluctant to do so."

He waited for her to continue.

"Does Lady Katharine understand that it was not your choice to wed me?"

The moment was so poignant, he had not expected her to speak of Katharine. She had just told him she was going to have his child. What in hell did that have to do with Katharine?

There was questioning in Jilliana's eyes. "Do you want me to explain to her what happened?"

"She has been told the truth."

"I believe I can make her understand that you never stopped loving her."

Anger riveted through him. "I do not need anyone to speak for me—certainly not you. Since the day I met you, I have not had control of my life. Woman, did God put you on earth to torment me?"

"Forgive me, Ruyen. I thought—"

He grabbed her, slamming her against his body, holding her so tightly she could scarcely breath.

"Forgive me," he breathed against her ear.

It was the first time he had asked her pardon. "For what, Ruyen?"

"For taking your body as you lay so softly in my arms willing to receive my seed. Forgive me for wanting you even now."

She touched his face, wishing she could express the words that begged to be spoken. She was so new in the world beyond the convent walls, and she had not yet learned the rules by which others lived.

"If I have caused you pain in any way," she said, "then I am truly sorry. If there is anything I can do to help you, you have only to ask."

He stared into blue eyes that seemed to have caught the reflecting moonlight. She was leaving. He would not be able to touch her, to watch the gentle way her hips swayed when she crossed a room. He would miss the sparkle in her eyes when she laughed, the kindness she had shown his sister and others in need. Poor Cassandra would be devastated when Jilliana left.

"Have you told my sister you will be leaving?"

"I have not said so, but she knows it will be soon. She and Netta know about the baby."

"You told them before you told me?"

She smiled. "They told me."

"There can be no mistake?"

"Netta is positive." She shook her head. "I will miss Cassandra. She has become like a sister to me."

He tilted her chin upward. "And what about me; will you miss me?"

Why did she feel the tightness around her heart? Why did she want to lie her head against his shoulder and have him hold her so tightly and never let her go?

"I— Yes, Ruyen, I shall miss you."

She turned back to the window, fearing she would cry.

Ruyen moved just behind her, his hands resting lightly on her waist.

"What if I ask you to stay?"

There was regret in her voice. "You know I cannot. You have your duties and I have mine. Our lives were ordained from the beginning and we cannot turn away from those who depend on us."