On This Day (17 page)

T
hat Jenny really pulled off quite an event,” I say to Jim as I lift my glass of Chardonnay and examine the clarity of the wine in the light. Jim won’t let me order anything stronger than wine tonight. But that’s okay. At least I have him all to myself now. After seeing Nicole at the wedding, I realized my battle may not be quite over yet. I don’t give any of this away to Jim. Part of my plan is to keep playing oblivious. I figure this will give him an easier out when he dumps Nicole. And, as they say, what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him. Of course, it hurts me. But it’s a pain worth suffering if it keeps our marriage intact. And that’s all that matters.

“She’s a good girl,” he says as he glances toward the doorway. Is he hoping to spy Nicole? “A good addition to the Fairbanks family.”

“And she seems to understand the importance of maintaining appearances,” I add, partly to be conversational and partly to remind him how aware I am of this important fact. “She’ll be an asset to the firm, don’t you think?”

He nods and takes a slow sip of his pale ale. “I already talked Michael and Jenny into hosting next year’s Christmas party.”

“Oh,
really?”
I consider this with some alarm since I usually host the annual Christmas party. “Why the change?”

He laughs. “Good initiation for the new guy.”

“Oh.” That makes sense. Still, I feel like I’ve become even more unnecessary, sort of shoved aside for the new girl, whether it’s Jenny or Nicole. And I’m sure my face gives me away.

“I thought you’d be relieved, Suzette,” he says with a tinge of exasperation. “You’re usually exhausted by the time it’s over.”

I wave my hand. “I think you’re remembering back at the beginning, before I figured out the right people to hire to do the actual work. Now I’ve got regular caterers and party planners and the works. It’s really not that difficult.”

“Well, maybe you can help Jenny figure things out.”

I brighten a bit. “Yes,” I say, “that’s a good idea.”

I notice him looking at the door again, long enough that I turn to see who he’s staring at.

“Isn’t that your new friend?” he says in a dry tone.

“Yes,” I say, somewhat relieved to see Elizabeth. Maybe she can help spark this lagging conversation. It seems I can barely engage
Jim tonight, as if his head really is someplace else or with someone else. I wave at her, and she comes over to our table.

“Want to join us?” I offer.

“Yes, please do.” Jim jumps to his feet and pulls out a chair for her, as if he, too, is relieved to have company. “Have a seat. Elizabeth, is it?”

She smiles. “Yes. And you’re Jim, right?”

“We’re almost related,” I say. Then, noticing Jim’s creased brow, the sign that he doesn’t agree with me, I add, “I mean, since Elizabeth is Jenny’s aunt and you’re Michael’s boss.” I sort of laugh. “Well, you know.”

Thankfully Elizabeth steps in. “Especially after being up here at the lake for a couple of days, spending time with the same people, it does almost start to feel like one big,
happy
family.”

I suspect she’s being sarcastic, but you’d never guess by her expression.

“It reminds me more of being at summer camp,” says Jim with a slight frown. “And the truth is, I never much cared for summer camp.”

“But wasn’t the wedding beautiful?” I say, realizing how redundant and stupid I sound, even to myself.

“It all went so smoothly,” continues Elizabeth. “Without a single hitch.”

“Uh, excuse me,” says Jim suddenly, and then he’s standing. “I’ll bet you two won’t miss me for a few minutes. I just remembered
there’s a business associate I wanted to speak to before dinner.” And just like that, he’s gone.

“That man”
I say with a growl. “I think the only way to keep him in one place will be to Super glue his shoes to the floor.”

Elizabeth kind of laughs. “Sorry about that. How’s it going otherwise?”

I shrug. “Okay, I suppose.”

Then the waiter comes over, and Elizabeth coolly orders an iced tea. “With lemon, please.”

Irritated that she won’t actually imbibe with me, I chug down my Chardonnay and order another. “How long until dinner?” I snap at Elizabeth.

She looks at her watch. “About twenty minutes. That chili and hot dog not staying with you, Suzette?”

“Ugh, don’t remind me. I’ve been tasting it all afternoon.”

She laughs.

“Where’s Phil?”

“I don’t know. Fortunately, Eric talked him into helping him with something.”

“Eric?”

“Jenny’s dad.”

“Oh. Right. So have you two talked yet?” I ask, suddenly curious to hear how Elizabeth’s marriage problems are faring.

“Phil tried to talk, but I’m holding him off. I decided that I don’t want to deal with this until after the dinner.”

“Maybe you’ll realize it could be wiser not to deal with it at all,” I suggest. “Let sleeping dogs lie, as they say.”

“That might work for
some
people …” Elizabeth sighs deeply. “But I refuse to live with a lying dog.”

That makes me laugh, and then the waiter brings our drinks. “Cheers,” I say as I hold up my glass.

“Cheers,” she echoes without much enthusiasm.

“Oh, don’t be so glum,” I tell her. “Having a cheating husband isn’t anything new. Good grief, it’s been going on since the beginning of time. I’ll bet that Adam even cheated on Eve.”

“With whom?” she asks in a dry voice.

I shrug. “Oh, I don’t know. I’m just saying—”

“That I should forgive and forget, just sweep it under the rug, look the other way?” she finishes for me. “Move on?”

“Maybe. If it saves your marriage.”

“And what kind of marriage does that leave you with?”

I roll my eyes and take another sip without responding to her jab.

“Sorry, Suzette,” she says quickly. “I don’t mean to judge you.”

“Fine.” I put my glass down with a loud clink. “All I’m saying is that it might be the lesser of two evils, you know?”

She studies me closely. “I’m not sure. What exactly do you mean?”

“Well,
think
about it, Elizabeth. What are your choices
really
? I mean, we’re not getting any younger. Do you seriously want to
go through being single again? I, for one, did not enjoy being single. I mean, do you remember
dating!
The pressure and stress of trying to meet the right guy, and then all you went through trying to hook him and get him to the altar.” I shake my head. “I do
not
want to go back there.”

“Just because you’re single doesn’t mean you have to date or remarry.”

“What about money?” I add. “Do you have any idea what your lifestyle becomes when you’re single? It’s not just cut in half, you know; some women drop down to poverty level.”

“I have a good job,” she says. “I’m a partner in my own business.”

“Well, okay, maybe you’ll be fine. But you’ll have to do with a lot less. Trust me; I
know
what I’m talking about.”

“So you’ve done some research, have you, Suzette?”

I know she’s teasing me now, but I don’t care. “I keep my ears open,” I tell her. “I have a couple of girlfriends who’ve gone through the divorce wringer. I don’t see that much of them anymore since they’re not in our circle now, but I hear the rumors.” I point my finger at her. “And that’s another thing. Do you realize that you lose most of your friends with a divorce? At least you lose the married couples. No one wants to have anything to do with you. It makes them too uncomfortable. Like I said, putting up with a cheating husband really is the lesser of two evils.”

She actually seems to consider this as she sips her iced tea.

I watch a couple of musicians setting up in a corner. “Looks like
they’re having live music up here tonight,” I comment. “The tall dude with the goatee isn’t bad looking. I wonder if he’s available?”

She turns to look, then just shakes her head. “For someone who’s determined to save her marriage, you sure like to look around, Suzette.”

I laugh. “No harm in looking. And, hey, if it’s okay for Jim, maybe it’s okay for me, too. Maybe that would level the playing field a little.”

She frowns. “Seriously, Suzette, you mean you’d consider having an affair just because Jim has? How’s that going to help?”

“I don’t know. But it might be fun.”

She finishes her iced tea and sets the glass down. “Well, it’s about ten minutes until the dinner, and I want to freshen up a bit and get a shawl from my room. It gets chilly at night up here.”

“Up here in the sticks, you mean.” Then I drink the last bit of wine and consider ordering another.

She puts some money on the table, then looks at me. “You coming?”

I shake my head. “No, I think I’ll wait here for Jim.”

She looks slightly concerned now. “Are you sure?”

“Don’t be such a worrywart, Elizabeth. It’ll make you old beyond your years.”

“Well, I hate to leave you here by yourself.”

I laugh, then nod over toward the musicians. “Hey, I’m not by myself. Don’t worry. I’ll be just fine.”

She doesn’t look quite convinced.

“Go on,” I tell her, waving my hand. “I’ll see you at dinner.”

“Ten minutes,” she says, as if she’s my mother.

I give her my best placating smile. “Ten minutes,” I echo.

Finally she’s gone, and I do order another drink. I’m tempted to get a Cosmo this time, but since Jim may return any minute, I decide to play it safe and order another Chardonnay. Maybe he’ll think I’m still on my first one.

But ten minutes come and go, and Jim does not show up. I sign the bill and take one last look at the musician. It looks like he plays keyboard since he’s getting it all set up.

“You guys doing music tonight?” I ask.

“Yeah. We’ll be playing from eight until closing,” says the keyboard guy.

I give him my best smile. “Maybe we’ll check it out,” I say. “After we’re done with this wedding business.”

“You here with the wedding?” he says.

I roll my eyes and sigh. “Yes. And I swear it’s been the longest day of my life. It’s like the never-ending wedding.”

“Well, come on back here when you’re done,” he says with a wink. “Maybe we can help you relax a little. Kick back, you know.”

I nod. “Sounds great.” One way or another, maybe I will come back here tonight. If it’s with Jim, we can do as he says—just kick back and relax. And if I’m alone, well, who knows what might happen!

J
eannette told me that this place has an elevator, but it’s down at the far end of the lodge and a bit of a walk for my old legs. So I’ve been taking the stairs instead. It’s only one flight, but this time, I feel as if I can barely lift; one foot and then the next. I cling to the railing, willing myself to pull up with each step, but I might as well be climbing a mountain.

By the time I reach the landing, I am completely winded. Thankfully, no one’s around to see me puffing like I’ve just run a three-mile footrace. I pause and pretend to be looking at the lobby below as I attempt to catch my breath. Then holding to the chair rail along the hallway, I slowly make my way to my room, unlock the door, and go straight to the bed, where I immediately collapse. I have never felt older than I do right now. Old and feeble and very, very tired.

I let my hand rest on my chest for a moment, feeling for my heartbeat, which, unless I’m imagining things, seems a bit wild and irregular.

“Without heart surgery,” my doctor warned after my last hospital stay, “you may not last six months, Margaret. You may not even last six weeks.”

But that was nearly twelve weeks ago, and here I am, still going. Oh, I realize I’m not going very fast. In fact, I’m not going anywhere at the moment. I’m not even sure I can get up now. I look at the clock by my bedside and see that it’s still a few minutes before dinner. Perhaps it wouldn’t hurt to take a quick nap. Or maybe even a long one. With all those guests down there, I can’t imagine that anyone would miss me.

Although I really would like to make it back down there to the dinner, and I certainly don’t want anyone to worry about me, I know my only option right now is to rest. Hopefully I’ll get my second wind. I remember that I promised my Eric a dance. Oh my, how I would love to see Jennifer and Michael taking that first waltz! Such a lovely couple.

I close my eyes, and I will myself to relax. But this crazy heart of mine just keeps on thumpity-thump-thumping as if it has a rhythm all its own. And somehow it doesn’t feel quite right. I decide to sit up and see if it gets any better. But on it goes, making these odd little jumps and thumps, and I am getting seriously concerned that I may be having a heart attack.

I reach for the phone and pick up the receiver. But then I realize
how an emergency of this sort would put a serious damper on the rest of the wedding festivities tonight. Imagine the sirens, the paramedics, and all the fuss over an old thing like me. No, it’s just not worth the trouble.

So I set the receiver back and tell myself it’s nothing—only my imagination and a bit more exercise than I’m accustomed to. Even so, I feel anxious as I lie back down, and I do wonder if this might be the big one. Perhaps I’m about to join my dear Calvin after all. And, really, what would be the harm in that?

Well, except for my poor family. I can’t imagine their distress if they were to find me up here …dead. Perhaps it wouldn’t be until morning. By then the newlyweds would be long gone, and I wouldn’t have spoiled everything. But my poor Eric would be devastated. He’d probably even blame himself.

I notice the hotel stationery by the phone and decide I should write a brief note. Just to assure them, if I should die, that I am truly at peace, that I am home with the Lord and my dear Calvin. And that they should not worry or even feel bad for me.

And so in my unsteady hand (I used to write so beautifully), I carefully pen a letter I hope will reassure them in the event of my demise. Of course, even as I do this, I tell myself it’s unlikely that I’m really dying.

I finally finish the note, seal it in an envelope, and lie back down on the bed for just a brief rest. Just five minutes of shuteye, and then I will go downstairs and join my loved ones for the rest of the party. My heart is still fluttering a bit, and I know what my
doctor will say when I get home. That is, if I get home, and to be perfectly honest, I’m not entirely sure that will happen. I’m not even sure I care. Although I will worry about my cat. I hope my neighbor will decide to adopt her. Or perhaps Jenny will after she returns from her honeymoon, since she’s always liked Libby and will now have a home of her own.
Dear Lord, please watch over my cat
.

Even if I do make it home, I have no desire to undergo heart surgery. Why should I bother with such challenges at my advanced age? Why not just let things progress naturally? What do I have to live for at this stage, anyway? I’ve stayed around long enough to see my youngest grandchild wed. What more does life have to offer an old bird like me?

I suppose it would be nice to see Jenny’s children. But she said that they don’t plan to start their family for about five years. And I know this heart of mine cannot possibly last that long. Don’t even know if it can last the night.

It’s in the good Lord’s hands, I finally tell myself as I drift off to sleep. He can decide what’s best for me. Whether it’s tonight or next week or next month, I will trust his perfect timing for my life and for my death. He knows what’s best, and I am in his hands.