On Her Six (Under Covers) (18 page)

Her gaze dropped to the floor.

He brushed a stray blond hair behind her ear. “Can you see why I don’t want you there? If something happened to you…” That damn unfamiliar stab of worry pierced his gut. He didn’t ever want to see Sam hurt. He wanted to pull her to him and hold her there so he was sure she’d be safe.

“But what about you?” Her gaze fell to his chest, and her eyes zeroed in on his heart. His scar. Her finger traced the outline of the circle.

He shivered slightly at her touch. “What about me? I can take care myself. It’s what I’m trained for.” When she gave him a
look
, her finger slowing its motion on his skin, he gave a small laugh. “Okay, except air conditioners falling out of windows and Germans on steroids.”

Her finger circled his scar again. “What happened?”

He knew what she meant. “Sam, I don’t think—”

Sam’s gaze lifted, full of softness when it met his. “Tell me. Please. I want to know you. All of you. This wasn’t an accident, was it?”

Most bullet holes weren’t accidents, but he didn’t point that out. Her expression was too sincere. “No, it wasn’t. It was very intentional.”

“Tell me.” Her palm flattened over his heart, covering the scar as if she could erase the memory of it for him.

Chapter Twenty-One

Ash sighed, but deep down he wanted Sam to know about his past. For so long he’d kept it locked away, fighting to forget. But now, with her blue eyes pleading, he realized he needed to tell her. It was a part of who he was, and he wanted to share it with her.

“When I said the team going in to extract Viktor Heinrich isn’t mine, I meant it.” He hesitated. “But what I didn’t say was they used to be.”

She kept her hand over his heart, her thumb stroking his skin. Her eyes warmed to a bright, comforting blue. He could trust her. He saw that now.

“I…” Christ, the emotions flooding him made him sick. Reliving all this shit again was torture. He’d trusted Lorena and she’d shot him. Left him for dead. Now he was trusting Sam, opening up to her, and it scared the shit out of him. “I was the team leader, responsible for the lives of my men and the citizens in the town where we were stationed in Argentina. José Serrano is a major supplier of most of the world’s drugs. He’s from that area. Never been caught. He’s got lawyers that would make a pit bull cry.” Ash laughed without humor. “We’d been there six months. It was a small town, so we knew just about everyone. But then—” He rubbed his neck, trying to ease the tension.

“Here.” Sam reached for his hand and led him to his bedroom.

They lay on the bed, his arm around her shoulders, her head nestled on his chest. At once, it became easier to talk.

“Our intelligence officer told me a local woman would be meeting us. She had information about Serrano. She supposedly worked at his estate as a housekeeper. The plan was for her to give us the layout of his property and help us apprehend him.”

Her head jerked up. “But why? Why would she help if she worked for him?”

His lips thinned. “According to my intelligence guy, her family had been killed and Serrano was holding her captive as an indentured servant. Keep in mind—this was a remote part of the country. Very low income. These kinds of things happened all the time. The story was plausible. I didn’t question it.” His gaze narrowed on her. “Nor did I question her once she walked into the bar to meet us the first time.” Closing his eyes, he thought back to what Lorena had looked like that day. He’d never seen anything more perfect in all his life. Long, dark brown hair, full sensual lips, cat-like brown eyes, and a curvy body that would send any man to the Promised Land.

When he met Sam’s earnest expression, he knew he’d been an idiot. Lorena’s beauty didn’t compare to Sam’s. Sam was twice the woman Lorena would ever hope to be. Open. Honest. Giving. Lorena was none of those things. “I guess you could say I was a bit thunderstruck. I took one look at the woman and fell. Hard.”

Sam’s hands roamed his bare chest, softly caressing. It was so soothing, his eyes grew heavy and started to close.

After a minute of silence, she asked, “Then what happened?”

He took a deep breath. “She knew things. Too many things. Those who lived in the area were either indebted to Serrano or terrified of him. No one ever came forward to help turn him in like Lorena had.”

“Lorena.” Sam spoke the name as if it held some significance.

“I should’ve known. Should’ve listened to my team. She started giving us information we hadn’t asked for. I was greedy, so pleased that this beautiful creature was so forthcoming. I never imagined it could be a trap.” He shook his head at his own foolishness and ignored the pressure building in his temple. “I was so stupid. Blinded by her sex appeal. But I guess that was the point.”

“How could you have known?” Sam asked. “You thought she was trying to help.”

“My team warned me. They saw what I couldn’t. They knew something wasn’t right and I didn’t listen. Luke—” Ash swallowed in order to mention his best friend’s name out loud. “Luke tried to talk sense into me, and I didn’t listen.”

“Luke? Was he one of the members of your team?”

Ash nodded. “Luke Calder. Tyke and Reese are the others.”

Sam perked up at the mention of the names. Her head rose from his chest, and her hand halted its motion.

Ash gave her a questioning glance.

She shrugged and snuggled back against him.

Her soft cheek nuzzling into his shoulder felt so good. So right. It took the sting away from finally getting the words out.

“They all tried to warn me. But I took everything Lorena said, and I made plans to raid Serrano’s estate. I was overconfident.” He gave her a sideways glance. “
Arrogant
. Tyke went to the director, told him of my plan. Director Landry gave me a direct order to stand down. Said we didn’t have enough evidence to extradite Serrano. My intention was to use Lorena to testify against him. But the director still didn’t buy it. I gave the order anyway.”

He swallowed again, preparing for the next part. “I told Lorena when the mission was over, after we caught Serrano, I was going to leave the agency for her. We were going to travel the world together. No more danger for either of us.”

Sam’s fingers froze. Ash wasn’t sure if it was because he’d said he’d quit so easily or if she felt a twinge of jealousy.

He stole a glance at her. She remained quiet, hiding her hesitation behind a smile.

“Turns out, she didn’t work for Serrano.” His fists clenched, and his hold around Sam’s shoulders tightened. “She was his daughter.”

Obviously not expecting that, her words gelled together. “But—how—she—what—”

“He’d sent her, knowing we were there to get him. He used his daughter for his own selfish fucking needs. And she did it. Whether it was from fear or love, I don’t know. She and I were together for months. We got close. I brought her to meetings, rendezvous with the team, and she reported back to her father on what we were doing the whole damn time. He knew we were coming from day one. And we—no, I—played right into it. And the laughable part? Serrano wasn’t even there. He’d hightailed it to one of his hideouts weeks earlier.”

“But, how could you have known?”

He jerked away from her. “I could have, damn it.”

She fell against the mattress from the surprise. She righted herself, placing her back against the headboard.

“I should have,” he said more calmly. “But I didn’t listen. Luke was my best friend. Above everyone else, I should have listened to him. He warned me, and I wouldn’t fucking listen.” His chest heaved in a large rush of oxygen. “On the day of the raid, a little boy was killed.” He glanced at Sam for her reaction. He wanted shock, disappointment, and horror. He needed to feel shame for his actions. But she kept her expression hidden, blanketed by a barricade of softness and sympathy.

Slowly and through clenched teeth, he said, “It was my fault.” She asked for this, so he’d make damn sure she knew
all
of it. Every last fucking detail. “Do you hear me? I killed him.”

Her eyes widened a bit, but still she didn’t give in.

“I did it. And I have to live with that for the rest of my miserable life.”

Her hand went to his cheek. “Ash, you did what you had to, I’m sure of it.”

He brushed her hand away. “Bullshit. The kid wasn’t even supposed to be there. Lorena was supposed to get everyone out.”

“Ash—”

“He was there when we went in. We caught movement, something flashed, it was too fast to tell what it was. We should have waited. Should have given it a few more seconds. But when you’ve got a gun in your hand and your life’s on the line, you make sure you and your team get out no matter what. That’s what we did. When the bullets started flying, we shot back. Anything that moved. The same was true on the other side of the battle lines. The boy was caught in the crossfire. If I hadn’t called the raid—”

“Oh, Ash…”

She reached for him, but he pulled back, determined to suffer for his sins. “Then Luke went down.”

Her breath hitched.

“He’d gone after the kid. Tried to pull him away. They both got hit. Calder dropped and fell on top the kid. Blood poured from everywhere.”

Her throat bobbed as she swallowed.

“The Kevlar did its job,” he said. “Luke only suffered a cracked rib from the bullet’s impact. Tyke and Reese stayed with him and the boy, trying to get them out. I kept going. I had to find Lorena. I needed to make sure she was safe.” A sour taste invaded his mouth. Blood pounded in his ears. “She was throwing things into a bag when I found her. I practically pulled her down the stairs. And that’s when we saw him. The still, lifeless body lying on the floor. Tyke and Reese had gotten Calder out, but it was too late for the boy. They had to leave him. When she saw him, Lorena screamed and dropped to her knees. She held him against her chest and sobbed. I didn’t have time to feel. My only thought was to escape. It didn’t matter that her father wasn’t there. I’d go after him another day. She and I were getting out of there alive. I yanked her from the floor and carried her as she kicked and screamed.

“Once we were back at the safe house, I held her, so thankful she’d made it out alive. We finally passed out around dawn. When I woke up, she was sleeping, so I went and checked on my team. No one was happy to see me. Barely got a nod from any of them. Contempt was so thick it nearly choked me.”

He paused, lost in his thoughts. His body sagged against the headboard. “When I…when I went back in to check on Lorena, the bed was empty. Of course thinking something had happened to her, I rushed into the room. Then heard the door close behind me. When I turned, she stood with my service pistol in her hand, aimed at my heart.”

Sam had stilled next to him. He wasn’t sure she even blinked.

“
Por asesinar a mi hijo
,” he said in Spanish. “Do you know what that means?”

With an unfocused gaze, she shook her head.

“For murdering my son,” he whispered.

Her eyes cleared and a tiny rush of air escaped her lungs. “Ash—”

“She pulled the trigger and that was it. Next thing I know, I’m staring at a white ceiling, hooked up to monitors.”

Sam settled herself against him, her head on his chest. Wetness touched his skin. “It wasn’t your fault.”

His body stiffened at her words. “You’re wrong.”

“No—”

“It was my team. My decision. And that boy paid the price.”

“But, you couldn’t—”

He jerked away, severing their contact. “I could, damn it. I could have prevented it.” After a few breaths, he said, “But I didn’t. And I have to live with that.”

“You were only doing what you thought was right.” He opened his mouth to rebut, but she cut him off, “Ash, listen to me.” She grabbed his face and none too gently turned it to hers. Her eyes blazed as they bore into his. “It wasn’t your fault. You got played. That’s what Lorena wanted. That’s what her father wanted. And it worked. It would’ve happened no matter what.”

“But—”

“Stop it!” she shouted. His blood roared in his veins at her boldness, and his stomach tightened. “I won’t let you blame yourself. I won’t.” Her expression was fierce, her cheeks flushed with purpose. “What’s done is done. All you can do now is learn from it and move on.”

Thinking back to his life after the mission, he recalled those awful months of recovery. How he’d felt—lying in that hospital bed, useless and used up. Lorena had seen to it. She couldn’t do it all the way though. No, she’d missed his heart, leaving him to remember everything he’d been responsible for.

“You don’t think we’ve all had shit to deal with?” The acidic tone of Sam’s voice burned through him. “You don’t think I feel remorse or regret for the way my life’s turned out?”

He stared at her, unable to respond.

“All I’ve ever wanted to do was help people. I’ve wanted to wear that badge for as long as I can remember. Never wanted anything so bad in my life. And I can’t do it. But you can. You have the power to change things, Ash. To make them right. And you’re choosing not to. You’re choosing to let her win.”

“Sam, I can’t—”

“Bull.” She crossed her arms. “You
won’t
. There’s a difference.”

Unable to bear her honesty, he looked away, ashamed at the man he’d become. She was right. He’d blamed himself for so long, choosing to ignore his options. It was easier to be pissed off than take responsibility for his actions. That hurt worst of all—showing Sam how weak he’d been. Having her point it out was like a fatal stab through his heart.

No one had ever been able to get through to him. He’d never let anyone in. Then this woman came along, turned his world upside down, and punched him in the damn gut.

“Sam, I—”

“You need me, Ash,” Sam said, as if hearing his thoughts. “As much as I need you. So we’ll do it together. We’ll make this right together.”

He didn’t comment. He couldn’t, because she was right. He did need her. Her smiles, her confidence, her body.

All of it.

His draw to Sam was nowhere near what he’d experienced with Lorena. It was stronger. Much stronger.

But if something happened to her… If Heinrich’s goons came back. If they shot at her again and this time didn’t miss. Or if she went to that compound and something went wrong. If Heinrich found out she was there. What would Ash do then?

Blame yourself.
The answer was plain as day, echoing in his brain, taunting him.

He couldn’t bear it. Wouldn’t. He wasn’t going to bring another woman into his life and get her or her family killed. She’d already lost her father. There was no way he’d allow her to lose her grandmother, too.

No, the best place for Sam was as far away from the compound as possible. The farther he could keep Sam from Heinrich, the better. Until Heinrich was apprehended. It was the only way to keep her safe. No way he was giving her the location.

“Come on, Ash. Admit it. You need me.”

Nothing.

“Ash…”

More silence.

“Ash, come on—”

“I don’t,” he said, the words passing his lips in a rush. “I don’t want or need you, Sam.” His stomach clenched, but this time it wasn’t even in the ballpark of pleasant.

This was the best way. Otherwise she wouldn’t leave it alone. She would’ve kept pushing and pushing until he finally broke. Which he would have, given time. She had that effect on him. He would’ve looked into those sad blue eyes and told her the location of the compound, the floor plan, and the exact place Tyke and the boys had spotted her father’s look-alike.