Authors: Rae Earl
Hattie Moore. Nickname â “Bones” (YES! I'm skinny with noÂ breasts but I'm mostly EMBRACING it)
(That's what my family call me.)
Derby. That's it! I don't want to be stalked. Who actually writes their address anywhere?! Weirdo Jen told me 1 in 7 people are capable of murder. I don't want them to know where I live. (Weirdo Jen also thinks trees can attack you with their branches if you abuse their trunks with graffiti. She might be slightly paranoid. I'm not risking it though.)
OMG! Like I would?! No, thanks, spammers. I do
not want half-price pharmaceuticals. I had to explain what Viagra was to Dimple. It was OFFICIAL near death from embarrassment.
Date of birth:
Who wrote this diary information bit?! Gran?!
Obviously someone who has never heard of Internet security.
In fact definitely Gran â all her passwords are “password” or “Gran”. She thinks no one will ever think of that.
Best day of the year:
Best day of the week:
Thursday. No Matfield â the EVIL
teacher who has killed art and craft for a generation of innocent children and teenagers.
August. No Matfield! Weirdo Jen says she has slaughtered creativity. Actually Weirdo Jen's MUM said that. If adults know that we are getting tortured with glue and tissue paper why don't they do anything about it?!
Best time of the day:
4p.m. No Matfield and it's usually before Mum gets home. DOUBLE FREEDOM from the forces of darkness.
. Goose has seen it 27 times but a man who spins webs from his wrists and probably eats fly-and-small-insect sandwiches in private just makes me want to VOM. Why do men never grow out of YUCK stuff? I was OVER worms at 4 â if things in the garden can't even be bothered to grow a face I'm not interested.
Nothing with fit boys singing stupid songs about how much they love me when actually they only snog models, TV presenters who accidentally but totally on purpose flash their nice pants or Miss “I'm so pretty my face may explode” Gorgeous Knickers (MGK).
Not Jane Austen. She can wind her neck RIGHT IN. Sorry, Dimple, I know you think she's great but Mr Darcy does not exist, has never existed and grumpy men are not sexy. They just get fat and old and want their dinner at the same time every day. I remember my grandad. He hated Christmas and didn't wear sexy britches, just green cord trousers with stains on them for weeks. AND they always smell weird. If Mr Darcy
exist I bet he talks to the vegetables in his allotment and smells of eggs.
. I'm not being shallow. I LOVE FASH. Especially when it goes totally mental and people wear lobsters on their heads. Gran says it's “ridiculous” and “things with claws should be in a cream sauce not on a hat”. Gran is not fashion forward. She is fashion hopelessly-lost-in-a-foul-dress-desert-and-the-search-party-has-been-called-off.
YouTube. I'm a bit off Facebook. MGK just uses it to spread stuff about me on Messenger, like “Hattie Moore only has a shower when her mum forces her to”(I am totally clean and use Impulse), “Hattie Moore couldn't tie shoelaces till she was 11” (so what if it's true?) and “Hattie Moore's gran has a Scottish lorry driver toyboy who brings her boxes of broken biscuits from his truck”. This might be true â Gran always has manky custard creams in her house and the packets look GROSS. It could just be her cupboards though. She daren't clear them out as Princess the dog tries to eat EVERYTHING. And I mean the actual tins too. She punctured a can of spaghetti once, ate half of it and played with the rest of it on Gran's pure-wool rug. Even after a bottle of Vanish you can still see the stringy orange stains.
My room. As long as my mum and brother aren't in it. My mum stands there asking me why I've got a funny look in my eye â she watches too many crime programmes â and my brother actually tries to give me a funny look in my eye by poking something IN my eye. Like the time he put vinegar in a water pistol and went STRAIGHT for my face. No, Mum â not “just high spirits” and “considerable aiming talent” â TOTALLY MENTAL.
My gran (But don't tell her!).
Miss Gorgeous Knickers (especially now we are totally related) and Matfield. They get the gold medal for total cow faces.
Gran says I HAVE to fill the next bit in “just in case”. She also says wear nice underwear “just in case” you get run over. I'm pretty sure that if I ever get hit by a bus I'm not going to be too worried about my diary OR my pants but ANYWAYâ¦
In case of accident or emergency call:
MUM â She IS my mum BUT she might be too busy making fry-ups for builders in her cafe or moaning about the state of the house to actually listen to you telling her I'm seriously injured. Though, after last year, I now realize she's actually amazeballs lovely inside and didn't tell me about my real dad because he is medically useless.
ROB (stepdad) â Driving instructor. He's on hands-free for most of the day but won't answer if his pupil is trying to parallel park as he says that “85% of people can't do it and never will be able to”. He's in a car so he can get to a hospital quickly but won't go over the speed limit because if he loses his licence â he'll lose his job. Also he's precious about his leather interior, so if I'm bleeding put carrier bags over the seat first. He's LOVELY though. COMPLETELY TOTALLY LOVELY. He's been around since I was born. He's black so we know he didn't “do the Hattie deed” (that's what my brother Nathan calls it).
GRAN â DON'T call Gran if I'm in trouble. She's mental already and she will panic. She can barely use a mobile phone as it is and if she's at bingo there's no point. She will NOT answer. Also if her dog Princess wants anything or is “trying to talk to her” other humans are NOT important.
DIMPLE â My BEST friend. She is REALLY annoyingly AMAZING â totally sensible and smart AND her dad is a surgeon. She is aces to ring BUT never risk it after 7 p.m. Her dad works funny hours and if he's on call and you ring the home phone he goes mad. He will shout at you for “talking about gossip when somebody's head could be exploding”.
Actually now I'm writing this he HAS got a point. In an emergency he could be saving MY brain. That IS slightly more important than the fact Dibbo Hannah's new boyfriend tried to pierce his nose with a stapler.
There's no point calling Dimple's mob. She loses it every 5 minutes.
WEIRDO JEN â I love her but because of her white witch beliefs she thinks that you can cure flu with herbs, oats and chanting. If my leg is dropping off I need more than a nice song and a mint-and-turmeric-paste blend.
NATHAN â My brother. DO NOT CALL. He has caused me more injury than any other person ON EARTH. When I was little he used to pull me down the stairs one by one till my bum was RED. He also tried to sellotape me to the wall every Christmas as a human angel “decoration”. He managed it till I was 9 and could fight back. If he hears I'm in hospital he will probably come and put me entirely in plaster “for a laugh”.
GOOSE â Actually he would be fantastic to call. We've lived next door to each other for ever and he's UNBELIEVABLE in a crisis, like when Gran ran over the shed last year. He could also probably sing me out of a coma â as long as he doesn't do anything from
. He starred in it last month at school and I am OVER hearing him doing the entire musical. I'd decide to stay unconscious if I had to listen to “Close Every Door to Me” again!
It's complicated though because I don't know HOW I FEEL ABOUT HIM. He's been my friend for so long but then I get these weird thoughts in my head and sort of tingles. I know he's just my friend but â¦ when other girls are near him I feel sort of jealous. I feel like shouting, “Get your paws off him, woman! He'sâ¦”
I think I do know what I feel but I'm scared of just admitting it.
In fact don't call him. I need to get physically better not more emotionally confused. Hormone-mess could stop my recovery.
KEITH â My REAL dad, the one I'm about to meet. Don't call. He lives in Australia. He didn't care at all for the first 14 years of my life. Plus in an emergency what can you do from Australia?! Not even send a card. Keith has never managed that.
PRINCESS THE DOG â Don't call her. She's a dog. LOL! And she's not a kind, useful rescue sort of animal either. She'd let any human die for a pork chop.
MGK â OH, COME ON, HATTIE MOORE â BE SENSIBLE! I know you are meant to list everyone EVER here JUST IN CASE, BUT NO. I may have found out she is my TOTAL half-sister but she is also my TOTAL ENEMY. (Is this like EastEnders or what?! No â THIS is actually MY life. Thanks, Mum and Keith.) Even though she is now my relative it means NOTHING. DO NOT contact her. She's like my brother. She'd turn up in casualty and take a video of me for YouTube â especially if my injuries were embarrassing â like a broken nose. DEFINITELY DO NOT call her if I have a face accident or even a bad zit. Let me suffer alone. It's better that way.
IN FACT â in case of accident or emergency just call 999 and don't tell anyone I know. Thank you.
So much has happened, I need to get it down! Dimple says in times like this it's important to assess WHERE you actually are and WHO you are.
Goose wants to see me urgently. Face to face. Could this be it? The moment that we get all this weird stuff sorted? We NEED to sort it out. I NEED to sort it out. Weirdo Jen calls it “the friction between 2 souls that may have been entwined since the time of the pharaohs”. Dimple calls it “Hot Lust Tension”. I think I prefer Dimple's theory. The thought of being a mummy and covered in bandages freaks me out. It reminds me of what my brother would do to me given half a chance.
I've just hidden the first-aid kit to be on the safe side. There were only some Mr Men plasters, 1 bandage and an antiseptic wipe in there but Nathan could ruin my life with that. He's got a mind that is dedicated to causing me massive brain pain.
I think I just need to admit that â¦ I LOVE GOOSE. WHY DENY IT?! IT'S TAKEN OVER MY ENTIRE BRAIN! OMG! I'M IN LOVE WITH A GEEK. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?! THIS WAS NOT MEANT TO HAPPEN!