Read Old Jews Telling Jokes Online
Authors: Sam Hoffman
Old Jews Telling Jokes (16 page)
The room is full of men and women, the men wearing tuxedos, the women properly attired for such an august event. Dr. Drobkin approaches the dais, puts his notes on the lectern as he’s about to give the talk, and suddenly the papers all slide to the floor.
He bends over to pick them up, and as he does, his tuches is against the microphone, and at the very wrong moment, lets one ride that reverberates throughout the room, magnified by the microphone. Somehow he gains his composure and delivers his paper. No sooner than he’s done, he grabs everything up and makes a quick exit through the rear door. And never comes back to the town again.
Well, many years pass, his mother is on in years, and he has to go back to town to care for his mother. He does so under the name of Dr. Cohn, makes a reservation at the local Hyatt under that name, gets there under cover of darkness, checks into the hotel.
A bright-eyed and bushy-tailed room clerk says, “Oh, good evening, Dr. Cohn. Have you ever been in our town before?”
The doctor says, “As a matter of fact, young man, I grew up here, I got my education here, got my doctorate here at the university, and I moved away.”
The young man says, “Oh, why haven’t you been here, sir?”
“Well, a number of years ago, a very embarrassing thing happened here and I just didn’t feel that I could come back and face the people in the town.”
“Doctor, far be it from me, a young stripling, to advise a distinguished older gentleman such as you, but if I can give you anything from my experience and my young life, things that I thought were
embarrassing and people noticed, I later found out that no one even knew that they happened. I’m sure that’s probably true of the thing you think is so embarrassing.”
“No, I doubt that anyone has forgotten this.”
“Well, was it a long time ago?”
“Yes, it was a very long time ago.”
The young man says, “Was it before the Drobkin fart or after?”
A Note About the Drobkin Joke
Sent to the Old Jews Telling Jokes website by L. Weinman:
You may, or may not, be interested in knowing that the “Drobkin” joke has a
looooong
history.
As told on your site it is almost identical to a story in
A Thousand and One Nights
, which I believe was written down about the year 1200.
In that version Abu-Hassan is a very wealthy merchant, and one night holds a grand dinner for the caliph and many men of importance.
During the dinner he breaks wind “loud and terrible.” Feigning a call of nature, he runs away.
There are at least, by memory, about one hundred pages that describe his travels and adventures over the next ten years.
He finally decides that it may be time for him to come back home, but he wants to check things out.
He, by this time, does not appear to be the same man who left—age and adventures—and he wanders around the town without hearing anything bad.
On his way to his house, he passes a woman and her daughter sitting/working in front of their house.
The daughter asks the mother, “When was I born?” and of course, the mother answers, “Thou wert born on the night Abu-Hassan farted.”
Ronnie Busch is the third Busch brother to tell a joke on the site. He has always been remarkably fast with a one-liner. When I decided, after college, to forgo law school and go into the movie business, he quipped, “Great! Rin Tin Tin needs a stand-in.” It turned out not to be true. Rin Tin Tin has this little bitch he’s been working with for years.
Mr. Ginsberg is a resident of Rossmore. He’s ready to go to Florida for the winter and he goes in to see Dr. Schwartz, an internist.
The doctor says, “What’s the problem?”
He says, “Well, I’ve been having these silent gas emissions, and I just don’t know what to do about it, and it’s causing a lot of problems and a lot of embarrassment.”
“Well, tell me about it.”
“The other night we were playing bridge; my wife and I were at the Grossmans’. And during the course of the evening I probably had six or eight of these silent gas emissions. It created a little bit of a noxious odor, but they were all silent so there were really no problems.
“We went home and it happened again the other night at dinner so I decided to come see you. As a matter of fact, I’ve had eight or ten of these incidents as I sit here today. What can you do for me, Doctor?”
The doctor says, “Well, the first thing I’ll do for you is send you to a hearing specialist.”
When Charlotte Bornstein began the Charlotte-James skin-care company in Los Angeles thirty years ago, she fulfilled a lifelong ambition to “be in the skin business.”
A very small man walks into a psychiatrist’s office. He says to the psychiatrist, “By any chance, do you treat dwarves?”
He says, “Yes, I do. You’ll just have to be a little patient.”
A Bonus Joke from Charlotte Bornstein
Invisible Man
A guy walks into a psychiatrist’s office and says to the secretary, “I need to see the psychiatrist, immediately.”
The secretary says, “What seems to be the problem?”
He says, “Well, I think I’m invisible.”
So the secretary knocks on the door of the psychiatrist’s office, walks in, and says, “Dr. Smith, there’s a man in the waiting room who claims to be invisible.”
The doctor says, “Tell him I can’t see him.”
Larry Zicklin endowed the Zicklin School of Business at Baruch College. He also endowed the Carol and Lawrence Zicklin Center for Business Ethics Research, at the University of Pennsylvania’s Wharton School of Business.
A redheaded lady, beautiful lady, walks into the doctor’s office and says, “Doctor, you’ve gotta help me. I’m in terrible pain. Everything in my body hurts. Not one thing, but everything.”
Doctor says, “Everything?”
“Absolutely everything.”
Doctor says, “Show me.”
She says, “Well, look. [Presses head.] Oh! I’m in terrible pain when I do that. [Presses neck.] Oh, and that’s worse!”
She touches her side, and then she starts to scream. She touches her leg; she’s in anguish.
Doctor looks at her and says, “You’re not a redhead, are you?”
She says, “Well, not really.”
He says, “You’re a blonde.”
She says, “I am. How did you know?”
He says, “Your finger’s broken.”
My dad was the only one of the first season’s joke tellers to come back for season two. Initially I wasn’t sure if it was a good idea. But he sat me down and patiently explained that if I didn’t let him tell a few more jokes, I wouldn’t be allowed to go to the prom. This is probably good, as I have no idea where I put my gray Capezio jazz shoes.
A Frenchman, a German, and a Jew are walking through the desert and it’s so hot in this desert.
They’re schlepping along and trudging, and the Frenchman says, “I am so tired. I am so thirsty and tired. I must, I must have some French wine.”
They’re trudging along and the German says, “I am hot. And I am tired. I must, I must have some good German beer.”
They walk a little farther and the Jewish guy says, “Oy am I tired. Am I tired, am I tirsty. I must. I must.
“I must have diabetes.”
Herman Koltnow
Tea Leaves
Becky woke up one morning with a tormenting rectal itch. She had never experienced anything as terrible. She thought she could suffer in silence, but as it became more severe she had to seek help.
She told her neighbor Sadie. Sadie said, “I know just what to do. When you have your tea, take the leaves from the pot and apply them to the itch. You’ll feel better in no time.”
Becky did as she was told, applying her tea leaves to the area. She had a few hours of relief, but later in the day the itch was back, worse than ever.
In despair she decided to consult Sammy Schwartz, the local quack.
“Sammy,” said Becky, “I’ve got a problem: a tormenting rectal itch.”
Sammy looked pensive and said, “Becky, get on the examining table and I’ll see what it looks like.”
Becky positioned herself on the doctor’s table and Sammy, in his best professional manner, went to investigate.
“Oy!” cried Sammy in shock.
“What is it?” Becky asked frantically.
“You’re going to meet a tall stranger and take a long voyage.”
Getting OldFlorida, as in Southeast, and Surgery, as in Plastic
“Doctor, I can’t pee.”
“How old are you?
“Ninety.”
“You’ve peed enough!”
It would certainly be Hebocentric to claim that the Jews have suffered the effects of aging and the march of time more than any other ethnic group (although it could probably be argued that the Jews have probably kvetched more about it!).
Through two groundbreaking discoveries, however, the American Jew has probably had more success than any other group in history of reversing or at least mitigating the unpleasant side effects of a long life. The American Jews did not invent either of these remedies, and we certainly do not lay claim to using them exclusively, but we have been strong proponents and advocates of both. These are: Florida, as in southeastern, and surgery, as in plastic.