Oh Dear Silvia (31 page)
‘Yes. I’m here.’
He is hushed.
He touches her foot.
There is nothing to be done except to be there. So that’s what they do.
They sit on chairs and watch and wait.
Each person has their own loud internal dialogue with her, but none speak out. It isn’t necessary. It doesn’t feel awkward, it feels natural. It seems hallowed somehow. Like the only place to be at this serious and significant moment. They are the right people to share it, and they know that. They watch and they think.
It’s so very very quiet.
Occasionally they catch one another’s eye and when they do, they smile and understand. They all have permission to just be.
Gradually, her breathing becomes more and more shallow, until they are straining to hear it.
It stops.
It starts.
It stops for too long.
All of their breath stops.
It starts.
They start.
It stops.
Winnie has slipped into the room.
They all smile at her. She is the knower.
Winnie recognizes this is the Cheyne-Stokes change in
rhythm that she knows heralds Silvia’s end. Winnie is aware these strange breath patterns can be alarming so she very quietly starts to hum, to help everyone along.
It works. It’s wonderful.
She hums ‘Amazing Grace’, and they are all glad she does.
‘Hmmm.’
(How sweet the sound)
Ed leans in and kisses Silvia.
‘Hmmm.’
‘Bye Silv.’
(I once was lost but now am found)
Winnie takes their hands, one by one, and places them on Silvia’s arms and feet.
‘Hmmm.’
(Was blind but now I see)
Jo whispers, ‘Bye Sis. I’ll never forget you.’
‘Bye Mum,’ says Jamie.
‘Yes, bye Mum,’ says Cassie. ‘We love you.’
Ed reassures her, ‘You can go, Silv … it’s OK.’
‘Hmmm.’
(And Grace will lead me home)
One last strained breath.
She is gone.
Silvia isn’t any more.
Silvia
Friday 1.31pm
deep dark
sleep shadow
tired soul journeys on alone
drifting ocean
final tide
rolling back towards your touch
wash sing
soft climb
finish here begin beyond
turning home
eternal sorrow
forgive it foolish foolish love
feel you
waiting me
I am ’til I am not
slipping always
loving vanish
light kills darkness here I am
coming free
hold me
mummy
mummy
mummy
mum
Billie, my darlin’ daughter
The fantastic Sue Hunter (thank God for you!)
The mighty B. F.
Louise Moore
Emma Kilcoyne
Sharon Henry (M. B.)
Sue Perkins
Nigel Carrivick
Kathy Burke
Alfred Bradley
Jono and Judith Taylor
Barrie Gibson
Cynthia Hylton-Jones
Maureen Vincent
Robert Kirby
Neil Reading
Fiona McMorrough
Mark Bignell (Mike and Michelle) and all at Hamoaze House
David Gammell (Help for Heroes)
The astounding Frank Williams (Bootneck)
Doug Beattie
Mark Townsend
Michael Coady
Eamon Grennan
Richard Mabey
Roger Deakin
Will Cohu
Anthony Silverstone and Jemma Bellerose
Jane Pritchard, and all the doctors who helped at Ealing Hospital
Dr Andrew Scurr
Grumpy Vic at Ashridge Nurseries (Me: ‘I’ll call you back for more info,’ Vic: ‘Don’t bother!’)
Professor Michael O’Brien
Richard Lounsbury
David Roper
Liz Smith and all who look out for me at Penguin
Keiren O’Brien
All who cared for my beloved mum, Roma, at Derriford Hospital
And for massive support on the home front, Dave, Emma, Mike and the wonderful, wonderful Debs Walker
Dolly
‘You Can Leave Your Hat On’
Words and Music by Randy Newman
© 1972 (renewed) WB Music Corp. (ASCAP) and Randy Newman Music (ASCAP)
All rights administered by WB Music Corp.
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First published 2012
Copyright © Dawn French, 2012
The moral right of the author has been asserted
All rights reserved
ISBN: 978-0-14-194807-2